#tales.

infuriating. that's what it was. her luck had never been great but to be placed in this environment right as she had been planing her great escape seemed both a curse and a blessing. she felt fortunate, at least, to have her cousin by her side, the one whose visions she could always trust and who's skills would greatly aid them in their endeavor.

"do you believe we'll be able to succeed on our quest to find this knowledge? maybe it can help me make a successful escape," she sighs wistfully, brushing some dust of her gowns before setting another step before the next.

had it not been for their clumsy attempt at catching the books they had in hand, ace probably would have been able to save the fall of the coffee cup. he saw it coming from his periphery but his reflexes hadn’t been fast enough, the lukewarm content spilling all over her white turtle neck, staining the rest of her plaid blazer too. he mutters a curse beneath his breath as he ushers for the staff if they have any paper towels in hand, the woman rushing to the back room to grab some. 

“you good?” he asks despite himself. there’s a line creasing between her brows and he can tell she’s a little flustered. soon enough the expression turns into a pout, probably sulking at the thought of walking around with a giant stain on her clothing.

”i look like a giant mess.” she whines quietly and looks up at him with a frown. 

he can’t stop the quirk that takes over his lips, an eyebrow cocking slightly. “just a little mused, but nothing too bad.” the assurance isn’t enough for her and he can tell by the way she dabs at the front of her chest, his eyes falling over the brown pigmentation against the white fabric. 

“tell you what,” he starts, moving to assist her. he keeps in mind to be careful and wipe around at areas not too close to her chest area. “we can head back to my hotel and i’ll lend you something clean. i’m sure you’ll be able to work something out with this blazer of yours, it wont look too bad.”    

the flicker of hesitation in her eyes is brief, probably just desperate to rid of her coffee stained coffee. he laughs at the thought, casually flinging an arm to rub at the small space between her shoulder blades. even as they’re heading out of the shop she’s fussing and sulking about so he continues to soothingly rub the same spot. “it’s fine, jes. you’re just going to make it worse. besides, you smell good with that coffee stain on you, i’m feeling all energized.” 

he knows she’ll not take the teasing lightly and she doesn’t when he feels her jab her arm onto his side. he groans but grins to himself, leading the way back to his hotel room.

they don’t take a long time in the hotel room, with jes continuing to complain about her soiled outfit as alex quickly tosses her a neutral colored top, something he knows she’d appreciate as to not stick out like a sore thumb in the crowd. “it’ll be baggy casual,” he teases in his best fashionista tone, lounging on the sofa while waiting for her to change. 

the thought of someone else in his clothes catches him in a rather uninhibited emotion, even anticipating how she’d look like in it. he can’t say he’s imagined her clad in his clothing from the short amount of time that they’ve gotten to know one another but now that the idea has crossed the threshold of his thoughts, he cannot get it out. so when she steps out of the room while tucking at its length unceremoniously, he holds his breath and just stares.   

“it looks good on you,” he compliments, running a tongue over his lower plush. he knows exactly the reason why he suddenly feels heated: it all has to do with the sight of her in his shirt, eating her in its size. he could be mistaken but he thinks he reads a flustered expression cross her features before she flashes him a bashful smile. 

and now a few hours later he finds himself standing right beside her, a stupid grin plastered to his face. his cheeks are so stretched against the biting january wind from smiling so widely but he doesn’t really notice, not when jes is right beside him. he steals a glance. she looks comfy and cozy and warm and there’s nothing more satisfying but the sight of her winter kissed cheeks and the sated expression she wears. 

“so this is it,” she breaks the comfortable silence as her uber pulls up the curb, its hazard lights blinking momentarily. she looks up at him, her eyes twinkling against the rays of sun, feeling himself sinking in her dark orbs. “i’ll text you later?”

Isle of Dead Mann who tell no tales.

the interview went on and the atmosphere felt akin to a documentary where there were only questions, no back and forth or any sort of conversation happening. a very straightforward q&a that held a somber tone. she gets asked light things to which she answered with delight. she talked of things that kept her calm and somewhat happy like eating sushi, playing with her dogs, writing letters to friends and fans, talking to her mom on the phone, and shopping for clothes or anything cute. she gets lost in the blissful musings but only until she's asked, "what do you first do when you access the internet?"

"internet? i don't use it very often."

"how many times do you search your name?"

"zero." she let out a chuckle and at this point, her peaceful demeanor had changed into one of anxiously combing her hair.

-

seeing the new online hashtag trending made her heart sink, years of wretchedness that she had been suppressing turned into some compilation for people to psychoanalyze. she remembers it all and it comes in flashes. the death threats aside, the videos manipulated to fit the lazy narrative were the most striking along with the unnecessary and very unrelated slutshaming that came along simply because she happens to be a woman. as much as she would be relieved for people to know her side and truly see what was beneath the surface to clear her name of malicious judgments, it wasn't a pleasant feeling.

it was happening again; the abrupt onset of discomfort. the palpitations, the sweating and trembling, her heart pounding against her chest. one hand on her stomach, she tried to direct her breathing but the more she scrolled, the more she felt smothered. then her hands stop, numbness taking over it. the same numbness ran along her arm and then the rest of her limbs. up, up, and up until there was nothing but static; a subtle tingling.

-

"what do you want to be if you can live another life?"

"myself."

"where's your ideal travel destination?"

"hawaii. there are no insects there." she really did hate insects.

"what do you want to do before this year ends?"

"travel."

"travel where?"

"europe." she shook her head and hands dismissively. "no, i'll change. i want to go to the sea. i want to go swimming in maldives." somewhere secluded, she thought. a place where she can drown her thoughts.

"what do you want to do if you're given a week of vacation?" there was a pause, but it wasn't for long because she knew exactly what she wanted to say and she did so, smiling through her words. "i'm not going to contact anybody. disappear. no one would be able to find me."

-

disappear.

like one of her idols once sang- big girls don't cry. however heejin found that at times she couldn't help herself. in moments like these she sought the comfort of solitude and let her loneliness embrace her as the crushing weight of her decisions fell upon her shoulders.

realistically heejin is aware that they are overthinking the whole process of creating a vlog. that does little to ease their thought process, nor the pace at which they find solutions that solely create 3 new problems. an endless spiral of never-ending pondering which only resulted in more wrinkles to appear on their young skin.

alas it was they now found themselves just short of a breaking point where they'd either have to relent and ask the coach or determine by themselves what actually mattered and what they could carelessly toss aside. so heejin decided to emerge from their silent pondering with a sigh and a proposition.

to be performing with crystallis was as much of an honor as it was a paradox. she had trained with some of the members and now found her place in the shadow while the spotlight shone on them.

heejin didn't mind. the idol spotlight was not the one she was seeking after all. it still felt... humbling in a way and left her wondering if it hadn't been her should she have put her mind down to actually debut as a performer. she wonders how the other- younger trainees feel that have been around for almost an equal amount of time but pretty much grew up with these surroundings. heejin couldn't imagine doing that, glad to only have joined when she was a little older at least.