#takingsteps

Being paranoid isn’t just the thought someone is out to get you. It’s not just a fear that something bad is going to happen. It’s a lot more complex than just that. Being a paranoiac comes with a lot of baggage. It’s actually more exhausting than most people realize. Being paranoid is never being able to go in public normally. It is CONSTANTLY analyzing your surroundings. It is ALWAYS knowing where the threats lie. It’s moving without being seen but still seeing everything. It’s watching what’s in front of you but listening to what’s behind you. It’s your mind constantly running and making up “what if” scenarios in your head that you know will never happen, but needing to be prepared for it anyway. It’s lashing out at the guy behind you because you prepared him to be a threat, but was actually just a fellow shopper tapping your shoulder to return something you dropped behind you. It’s believing ANYONE at any moment is going to be the one to get you. Being paranoid is preparing for the worst without any evidence or reason to believe the worst is even coming. It’s a lot of battling yourself on what’s realistic and what’s not, and then seeming crazy to others that are subjected to all your nonsense. It’s knowing it IS nonsense but still not being able to turn it off.... because...well, what if? Being paranoid is never trusting anything or anyone, but still trying to live a normal life around it. Being paranoid is hiding your paranoia all together. It’s buying lipstick for your doors instead of your lips so you’d know if anyone came in. It’s balancing coins on window sills and a padlock on your bedroom door, outside AND inside. And self medicating because you’ve never had the chance to explain it to someone who will listen. It’s a lot to live with...

I’ve lived with this unjustified,maybe even unrealistic, extreme distrust in people for about 15 years now. I’ve never even openly talked about it until now. Recently I’ve come to believe that keeping it in has actually been really destructive to my own peace of mind and mental stability. I think a lot of my paranoia stems from what started as PTSD, and never getting the help I probably needed with that. over time I subconsciously developed my own ways of coping that probably weren’t the most healthy. Looking at this piece of me through a different lense has been eye opening.

There’s so many stories that tie into this post it’s almost impossible to know where to begin so eventually after I’ve written most of these short posts I’d like to put them all in chronological order and publish them in that fashion to give you guys as my readers a better understanding of how I’ve become this way. It will take time but if you keep with me until I’m through I will have written a book of my life in segments....And I honestly cannot wait to share it as a whole one day.

I’m not sure where I go from here or how I’m going to continue to grow from this. Just talking about it I think has been a step in the right direction. Being that it’s been 15 years with this I don’t think that it will ever completely subside but I think learning more about it and just being aware and noticing my own patterns and behaviors will help manage the symptoms. I’ve finally come to terms with seeking help from others with this. Even though the trust isn’t there now, doesn’t mean it can’t be built.

I’m going to be continually taking steps until I get where I’m going. This is only my beginning.

This is 2025 2020thrive

Optimistic and thriving

Growing and willing

Experiencing and learning

The CP Diary’s aim is to help you improve your mental, emotional and psychological wellbeing so that you can make a difference to your life. That doesn’t mean I can cure or fix your problems, you will need to do that yourself. My blog is about helping YOU make the changes in your own life. The tools are there for you.

The CP Diary helps improve your 'mental health'

What I write helps you to help yourself improve your mental health, to acknowledge you have issues that you need to deal with, to accept they belong to you, to understand what they are, so that you can bring closure on your issues.

Take control of your 'mental health'

Once you start taking control of your mental health, it's something that can change the way you feel about yourself, about your life. You can go as slow or as quickly as you want. Just remember to include and deal with your past experiences. Read my blog and read my books. Psychological change can't happen without.

Take steps

Taking Steps Towards Positive Change can change your life, and is freeing, but first you need to be accepting and to put the work in.

If you're interested in dealing with your mental health and you fancy grabbing copies of my books, you can order Kindle or paperback copies on Amazon, and through the following link https://linktr.ee/Ilana_Estelle

Some things didn't go the way you wanted them to, but I'm so proud of how you learned to let go of things that were no longer serving your growth. Nonetheless, this year might be tainted with stinging pain, but do you even realize all the hustles that were paid-off? You rock! I'm glad you finally realized that detours aren't always about you going off on your own; they're the universe's way of taking you to places you’ve never been before and teaching you to build a strong foundation within. Keep taking your little steps for the following years. I love the woman you are becoming. :)

-k.a

-k.a

Take your time getting back on track. Be gentle with yourself.

-k.a.

-k.a