#syrup ramble

5. Sister Agnes

She ran that conclave like the damn military, fed and cleaned and washed for all those geriatric men, and the only person who even remotely thanked her was some guy she's never seen before in her life. And THEN one of the sisters under her care gets under the immediate scrutiny of these weirdos and just as she tries to calm her down, this sopping wet cat of a Dean comes insisting on talking to her, fighting with Agnes like a sad divorcee wanting to see his kids again. AND he makes her print 108 copies of a document full of simony. Agnes should have put poison in their food.

4. Aldo Bellini

Had to grapple with the dilemma of wanting the papacy, not feeling worthy of the papacy, knowing he's the best chance at preventing a fascist freak from getting the papacy, AND grieving the loss of the late Pope...not to mention the whole Tremblay fiasco. He deserved a bit more of a bitch fit. AND to top it off, he fumbled his sad bisexual boyfriend and lost him to a beautiful angel of a man and Bellini can't even do anything about it bc the boyfriend-stealer is the new fucking POPE....the film should have ended with Bellini jumping Tedesco and biting him.

3. Sister Shanumi

Not only did she already have a difficult life before entering sisterhood, she has to come across the asshole who left her with A CHILD when she was NINETEEN here in the middle of a sequestered conclave???? And then the man throws some public tantrum and now she's stuck in the middle of some mess she didn't even wanna be in, AND the sopping wet cat of a Dean wants to hear everything that happened in the form of a confessional. Shanumi should have whacked every cardinal in there with that tray.

a very close 2. Thomas Lawrence

Who put this sopping wet cat in charge of a conclave, huh? Grieving the loss of the late Pope while already struggling with doubts about prayer and his place in the church, he then has to wrangle 100+ old men to actually follow his instructions, while also fighting off ppl trying to gaslight him into being the Pope. And THEN he ALSO has to deal with SCANDALS and RUMOURS and FASCISTS and FIGHTING WITH YOUR BF. Then he almost EXPLODES. And if you count book canon, this man also had CANCER and is doing all of this in remission!! Reason why he doesn't get number 1 is bc he landed himself another beautiful boyfriend out of this whole affair. Lawrence should have set the entire Vatican on fire.

1. Vincent Benítez

Imagine you're a beautiful angel of a man that's had a difficult life, but nevertheless stayed kind and open-minded and continued to extend that same kindness to others by helping women and victims of sexual assault across the Congo/Afghanistan in your line of work, getting to put what you believe in to practice. Then your whole life crashes down when you're told a life-changing biological difference that made you question over 30 years of your existence and dragged you into the darkest time of your life, even if you did manage to crawl back out again and regain your faith. And THEN the Pope fucking dies and you have to leave your home and flock knowing you'll likely die if you ever came back, but hey you're curious to meet all the other nice, selfless cardinals like yourself out there, only to get face to face with fascist racist sexist morally corrupt WEIRDOS who all seem to have forgotten the basic tenets of your faith. But whatever, after this you'll never see them again, so you give them a piece of your mind, a verbal knock on the head to remind them of who you guys are supposed to be, and THEY ALL UNANIMOUSLY VOTE YOU AS THE BOSS FOREVER and now you can never go home even after you die, and all those fascist racist sexist morally corrupt weirdos are now YOUR fascist racist sexist morally corrupt weirdos. Also this:

Disclaimer: Not Italian, not a chef, just a girl who's procrastinating way too hard on her assignments right now.

One can also blame @combeferres-mothematics for starting this train of thought...

Myriel: Cappelletti, really only bc they look like little bishop hats to me.

Valjean: Spaghetti. A classic, everyman pasta to suit his average, everyman name/persona.

Fantine: Mafaldine, also known as Riccia. Looks like an unfurled ribbon, named after Princess Mafalda. Reminds me of Fantine's curly golden hair (Riccia, too, means curly!)

Cosette: Orecchiette. The "little ears" pasta, to match her nickname "little thing".

Javert: Penne lisce. Commonly disliked because its been too smoothed out and can't hold onto sauces as such. Would be much better if it still retained its rough edges like the penne rigate. (Penne is one of my favourite pastas so don't kill me Javert lovers)

Marius: Elbow Macaroni. A little goofy, but like Valjean, its very much a classic, everyman pasta. Suits his self/reader-insert persona.

Enjolras: Angel hair. Sorry this was too easy to not grab at it.

Grantaire: Lasagna, solely because he's very Garfield-core to me

Bonus:

All of Les Amis de l'ABC: Alphabet Spaghetti. They're friends of the ABC after all!

Tholomyès: Dick pasta. Quite literally self-explanatory. Idea courtesy of @calico-cows .

Based on their promos, I believe these are (from left to right) Orsino, Viola, Olivia, and Sebastian?

Also based solely on vibes alone, far left might be Sir Toby...?

Apparently the play consists of a mix of historical and modern aesthetics/designs, with both traditional pansori and contemporary rap (?) performed on stage.

Can't find any clips of the show (but I haven't exactly done the most thorough research...) so I can't determine how it's like, but I'm in LOVE with the concept of incorporating classics into different cultures (as evident by my multicultural AUs lol) and so I'm already sold based on the premise alone 😌

Combeferre transfixed by three blows from a bayonet in the breast at the moment when he was lifting up a wounded soldier, had only time to cast a glance to heaven when he expired. (5.1.21)

Not only does he go out doing what he always wanted to do (helping, rather than directly harming others), he dies with a final glance up towards the sky, which reminds me of:

[H]e said: "Revolution, but civilization"; and around the mountain peak he opened out a vast view of the blue sky. (3.4.1)

Much of his 3.4.1 description talks about how much he dislikes bloodshed, that he prefers the peace of the future, and the purity that it will bring once their fight is over; moreover, he believed that:

A conflagration can create an aurora, no doubt, but why not await the dawn? A volcano illuminates, but daybreak furnishes a still better illumination. Possibly, Combeferre preferred the whiteness of the beautiful to the blaze of the sublime. (3.4.1)

My idea, as always, involves Cosette, who drops into the Vatican gardens, spooking Benitez but they obviously get along well almost immediately, especially since they have a common language* and she's very clearly just an overwhelmed 18 year old girl who's currently staring at the Pope in awe.

Cue buddy cop situation where Benitez helps Cosette find Valjean again, while she vents about her worries regarding her depressed, self-sacrificial father, and he simply stands there and is like ah. he unfortunately sounds very familiar, my young friend (aka Thomas Lawrence).

And it will end with Benitez somehow bringing Cosette with him to a papal trip to Paris, where timey wimey stuff happens and Valjean tearfully finds and hugs Cosette again. Then he gets a gentle, but firm, talking-to with the POPE about being kinder to himself, and they depart happily, with Benitez blessing Cosette and her soon-to-be marriage.

Will I write this? Well. Take a look at my ao3 posting history rn and you tell me 😭.

Marius (substitute teacher)

This man does not muster enough displeasure to scold his students enough to scare them. Once a student argued back and Marius replayed it in his head for two weeks straight.

Bossuet

Ridiculously cheerful all the time; no student has ever angered him because if he does get upset with them, he just looks like this:

Valjean (Principal)

Only managed to get this high bc of his authority status as a principal. Otherwise, the students LOVE him. He's like the grandpa everyone always wanted. And they can detect a distant aura of sadness around him too, so they don't really wanna prode him too much.

Joly

Very cheerful, but when he gets upset he goes "hey guys :-( you are being very rude; please let me finish my slides, alright?" and he sounds SO earnest that his students just quieten down. He gets frustrated on other people's behalf though, so he gets more snappish when students are interrupting a classmate's presentation, for instance.

Grantaire

Students aren't frightened that he scolds them; they're frightened that he's going to lecture them for forty minutes straight and never let them go. There's a folk legend about a student who was half an hour into a scolding when Grantaire paused, forgot where he left off, and started his tirade all over again. No one dares to try and recreate that.

Javert

He's only intimidating because he's the Discipline Master and can therefore easily give them detention/suspension. Otherwise, his lectures are always the same words, in the same inflections, and contains the same ol boring "respect your elders" message. The students have a bingo sheet to secretly tick off the Common Javert Phrases during his scoldings.

Fantine

Has a soft spot for children so she doesn’t get too harsh when she lectures them. Still manages to lock down the Silent Look of Displeasure with the Finger Point though, and has won enough terse arguments with Javert to be placed higher than him.

Combeferre

The master of the "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" face. Any student who tries to argue back always gets hit by a devastating retort that has them rethink their life's decisions for a full day. Takes off his glasses and sighs and shakes his head. Says "I expect better from you" and whatnot. Very soul-crushing but ultimately not terrifying.

Éponine (substitute teacher)

Similar to "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed", but it's more like "I'm not mad, I just find it embarrassing you're doing this right now". Very sarcastic and just laughs when students try and derail her classes. Students are more afraid she'll just snap one day because she doesn't actually scold, she just rants into thin air until her students quieten down and focus again. A real enigma, that one.

Prouvaire

It's because theyre so sweet that makes their angry moments a lot more frightening. Alas, their lectures tend to veer towards weird and unfathomable analogies that confuse the students rather than frighten them, but the tone of their voice still sends shivers.

Bahorel

Students are prematurely frightened of Bahorel because of his height and his loud, booming voice. He doesn't scold as much but when he does, he does use his voice to his advantage. Bahorel also personally brings them to Valjean’s office if they’re being real jerks, and his STOMP STOMP STOMPs down the corridor can send anyone running, teachers included. Otherwise, he’s nice!

Courfeyrac

Similar to Prouvaire, Courfeyrac is this scary because no one really expects him to be able to get /this/ scary. He oscillates rather quickly between the Cool Teacher you can goof around with to being quite impatient and snappish, especially if students cannot tell when it’s time to have fun and when it’s time to get serious. Is the one who argues with Enjolras the most often during English department meetings, which is a scary enough feat by itself.

Feuilly

Quiet and reserved, and doesn’t like it when students goof off in the workshops, so his reputation for being strict is already there. He also argues loudly and publicly with Javert and even other teachers, so students know he’s not one to mess with. Also seeing Mr Enjolras be so subservient to him freaks them out, so his students are a little nervous at first but they eventually end the semester absolutely in love with him <3

Enjolras

Similar to Bahorel, it’s mostly his looks that gets him this reputation 😔. Very Psyche-esque where students and other teachers are afraid to get close to him because he’s too pretty to make eye contact and strike up casual conversations with. Also doesn’t help that he’s rather quiet and only really speaks when he's refuting an argument that he will. not. back. down. from. Has the perfect Look that will freeze hell twice over (à la 3.4.1 where he glares at people who try to flirt with him) and his classes and debate club are run almost Socratic-like where he will push for his students to expand on their answers more and more until he's satisfied with their responses. Ironically, he rarely gives a good, proper scolding and his voice never rises loud enough to be considered a yell; he's captivating no matter what tone of voice he uses. Absolutely nerve-wrecking, bullets-sweating stuff, but at the end of the day, the kids still know he's quite lovely.