#syml

There are certain things in this world that trigger certain emotions. Certain scents in this world that trigger reminiscence. Certain tastes in this world that trigger a flutter of warmth in starving stomachs. These experiences are what make life worth going through the trouble of living. What grants a sliver of hope and life to the hearts that know only disappointment and death. To William, they were what weighed him down. The fence that divided him and perfection. Just another downside to being a bag of flesh, constantly rotting. He was aware that the person he wished to become was a goal impossible to reach.

And Judith had always made that fact slightly more bearable.

So squinting as he stepped out of the car, trying desperately to see through the fog wasn’t an irritation to him. He even enjoyed the idea of having an excuse to walk aimlessly. Although he scolded himself internally for yearning for such petty pleasure.

The sound of his boots clacking against the cobbled road. He stood in front of the car, his eyes glistening in the dim lamplight, the warm luminescence caressing his features. He inhaled quietly, the sound of the car being unloaded echoing throughout the stony village.

A smile graced his features as he picked up the aroma of nostalgia. A freshness unique to Haidhausen. A feeling unique to home. 

The usually bustling streets were quiet that evening. As if some divine being had granted him this moment. The time to recollect the things he’d once done in the urban area. Memories that had once taunted him for an eternity, now lay in front of his eyes. Something he’d chased for so long had finally been caught.

And how beautiful was it?

The small cafe on the end of the road. The one where he’d watched the lovers walk in and out, fingers intertwined like a declaration of their adoration for each other. He could remember the times when Judith would sit beside him on that pavement when he was a child, feeding him her philosophies. He’d always viewed them as incessant, wondering why she always felt the need to rattle on about the things that didn’t matter to him.

But there was one she’d always spout. So much, in fact, that it stuck with him. And he’d never forget the first time she’d told him about it.

She’d always liked words. Always enjoyed twisting them and finding clever double meanings. Comparing two words and picking them apart to form a genius idea on the best way to live her own life. There was one she particularly loved. 

“It’s a simple concept.” She murmured, watching the little boy with eyes that shimmered with intellect, “One I created myself. And you, brother, you get to be the first one to hear it.” A hint of pride laced her words as she continued.

“People often confuse the words ‘sole’ and ‘soul’. This was something that didn’t come as a shock to me. Both sound identical, correct?” She smirked lightly, preparing to reveal what she’d come up with. “But that isn’t all, brother mine. Not at all. Sole is a word that means one and only, in the simplest terms. However I have no doubts that you knew this.”

The girl grinned, “And soul? You have one soul, William. A sole soul, if you will.” She whispered, pressing a hand to his small, delicate chest. “You have to keep it safe. For it is everything that you are, and everything that you one day wish to be. It is who you are. And sometimes, it may just seem as if you’re lost, as if you haven’t a sense of who you truly want to be.”

She acknowledged that the fear of losing himself was always prominent in the boy, and it was something she’d tried to help him work on over the years. She never wanted him to feel afraid. “But you must never fear what can never happen. I promise that you will never lose who you really are, deep down. Because for as long as you live, you will always have what you need to uncover yourself. No matter how much you feel like you don’t know the route of your own mind.”

She placed a hand on his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Und du weißt, dass du auch mich immer haben wirst, Bruder.”

He shook his head, tearing his gaze away from the cafe with a huff. He looked over his shoulder, and at his parents, who were quietly conversing. His eyes narrowed in mild annoyance as he called out to them in a low tone, “Are we ready to see sister or not?” He grunted, desperation clouding his mind.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like to see her alone first?” His mother asked gently, “Maybe it might be best. You haven’t seen her in so long.”

He mulled over the idea for a moment, before nodding slightly, “Yes, I suppose you might be right.” He muttered, turning around to face the other way, “Would you mind taking my suitcase with you?” He murmured.

His father sighed, shaking his head, “You go. We’ll drop the bags off.”

William nodded once more, standing motionless, frozen in thought for a moment, before setting a foot in front of him and beginning to walk without another word. He attempted to ignore the bitter chill that vanquished the warmth that the memories had brought him. Each breath like a dozen knives piercing his lungs, and passing that cafe only twisted those daggers. He had to force himself not to look through the window, knowing full well that the shop had closed down years ago.

As he turned the corner, he felt himself relax as he basked in the feeling of finally shrinking away from the eyes of his parents. His heart thumped as he made his way through the fog. Although years had passed since he walked this route, he knew where he was headed.

Everywhere he looked sent a jolt through his being. Every place had a memory attached. His heart clenched and sobbed viscous drops of sour guilt, carrying it around his body. To each finger and each leg until every limb was emitting grief. Since the day he’d left, all he could think about was the fact that he was so dismissive towards her. He wanted her to hold him and tell him she forgave him. To tell him all about the new theories she’d come up with. About her plan on how she’d share them with the world. He didn’t care. He just wanted her to speak to him.

He began to second guess what he’d originally assumed. Did she actually want to see him again? Maybe she’d hate him for leaving her behind. Surely she knew that he had no choice, right? She had to have known that he would never just leave her alone like that. It wasn’t his decision. He was filled with sorrow as he remembered how helpless he’d felt, how pathetic he must’ve looked, begging his father to stay, even if for just another day.

But none of it mattered anyway. What did matter was that he was seeing her again. That he was to feel her presence again within a few minutes. And that was a fact that balanced out his melancholy thoughts with a sense of serenity.

Before he’d left England, he was desperate to arrive in Germany. The country which he called home. But now, as he walked the streets, he was quickly reminded of why he had to leave. 

And that memory didn’t feel very homely.

It didn’t feel just, and it didn’t feel right. To just throw her into the dust only to have disappeared when it finally cleared for her. A girl whose only sense of stability was her family had it all ripped away within such short time. And he didn’t want to live with the regret of never saying sorry. Of never explaining himself. 

He dared to glance up, only to be met with the sight of his old primary school. He frowned, unable to tear his gaze away this time, as he was forced to relive another memory he’d wished to forget.

“You’re sure you’re okay?” Judith checked, holding his hand. It was clear she was hesitant to let go.

William pouted, tugging at her sleeve, desperate to be let go. “I promise, Judy.”

“You’re not worried? I always felt scared on my first days of school.”

“I’ll be fine.” The young boy protested, his eyes practically pleading her to let him go inside.

She glanced back down at him, a small smile tugging at her lips as she observed that he was clearly not afraid in the slightest. She glanced over him one more time, mentally reassuring herself that he was safe, and had everything he needed. With a final sigh, she slowly let go. “Have fun. I love you.”

He looked over his shoulder one final time, staring at her. For a few moments, the two held eye contact until the boy simply nodded, before turning around once more and making his way inside.

William exhaled. He didn’t said it back that day. He never did, and never had. The words had never left his lips. And now, he wanted to say them a million times over, just to get it into her head that he loved her. He really did.

To his left was a garden. It was one he’d barely set foot in, and yet it held the most memories. It whispered names like no other place. It had always been a place to reminisce. It was beautiful. It was like nature’s area to thrive in the neighbourhood. Where it was allowed to create soft grass, to ruffle the leaves of trees, to touch the hearts of those deprived of consolation.

But today, he had to pass through it. Without hesitation, he turned into the greenery, leaves crunching underneath his feet as if nature herself were aware of his presence, and welcoming him in. The gentle whistling of the wind allowed him to relax further as he listened to her divine song. It had a simple melody, one that spoke deeply of peace and recollections.

What had always stuck out to him was the amount of rocks and stones scattered around. He’d always wanted to come here, but never had a reason to do so. But now that he was walking through it all, it felt more melancholic than intriguing.

By now, the fog had become more of a mist, something that veiled the beauty of the land in a cloth made from memoirs, writing tales of people in the sky which would’ve otherwise been left untold. Punctuated by the stars and understood only by those who had long ago passed on. It was a sight that he was blessed with.

As he walked, he came to an abrupt stop. A certain stone had caught his eye. This one was in the shape of an arch, and it wasn’t eroded like the rest. He knew what he was looking at. He sighed, crouching down at the moss-covered rock. Taking a hand out of his pocket, and gently picking away the plant, he squeezed his eyes shut at what was underneath.

Here lies Judith Lewis.

A beloved daughter, sister, and friend.

He let himself drop to his knees at that. The mist suddenly felt mocking, and the sky felt far bigger than him, like it had authority over him. As if it knew it had Judith, as if it knew it would never give her back. 

He grabbed a fistful of grass, the sound of her piano echoing in his ears. The image of her hands delicately working the instrument to create a piece played with care and dexterity. “Judith, Judith.” He whimpered, not bothering to wipe away the remembrance that rolled down his cheeks freely.

“I’ve lost myself.” He choked, “What you said was impossible is possible. I’ve lost it all, because I’ve lost you.” He sobbed, throwing his head back with a raw groan of desperation, “I love you so much.” 

It were as if he were yelling about his pain up to the sky in hopes that she’d hear him. He didn’t bother worrying about who else might hear him grieve. He’d rather the whole world know that he loved his sister. That he wanted his Judith back. He just wanted to be held in her comforting embrace. A privilege he didn’t know he had until he’d gone and lost it.

He lowered his head, staring directly at the ground as he sat in front of her ghost, “You’ve always been so much more brilliant than I ever could be.” He swallowed thickly, his own words blocking his airway. “So, be brilliant for me now, Judy.” 

“Be brilliant and come back to me.”