#supporting kai

Cinder’s Perspective-

Living a Nightmare:

There, it was that look which she had got from all other people over the years. She had been foolish enough to think that he would have been different. That he of all people would understand, after all he was the Emperor of the Eastern Commonwealth. There she was laying hurt on the stairway but all what he and the people would care about would be her cybernetics. In the end, the Emperor’s personal guest was a cyborg. He had flinched at her sight. His eyes showed confusion then shame, regret and soon came disgust. He did not look disappointed that she was being taken into custody by the Lunar Queen for her execution on Luna. Better he looked happy; maybe the Queen was just saving him a whole lot of embarrassment. 

He had said,” You’re even more painful to look at than she is.”

 She had never believed her partial synthetic heart could break into a hundred pieces but hearing him say those words it did.

Later she escaped and caused him many more problems. He had to deal with the threat of an intergalactic war, why would he not hate her after all what she had done. She kidnapped him. He gave her his support only after knowing that she was Selene, the long lost princess of Luna. It was more of a political move to dispose Levana off the throne with someone younger and naïve so as to avoid a war. She knew it but yet her foolish self thought that the Emperor did it with some other motives.

After she had defeated the Lunar Queen, they had a professional relationship like all other world leaders. The press tried their ways to bring up statements of personal sentiments towards each other but it was a hopeless cause. They had not ever addressed each other as ‘Cinder’ and ‘Kai’ since the end of the rebellion. All kinds of attraction between the two if any were never spoken about. She had thought that the Emperor would not hold her against her cybernetics. She had believed that they could have at least been friends but it was a fantasy. They were never supposed to be anything, their paths were not supposed to cross but yet they did and it had been the greatest tragedy of her life. He believed that whatever happened between the two was an illusion. They did not address their pre-rebellion relationship but she wanted to. She wanted to know that the feelings were mutual and not just on her part. 

Iko had tried to make the two friends but it was too awkward for them. Yet he was not the only one. Even Thorne had problems dealing with her cybernetics at first. The sweet little Cress who should have understood what it felt like did not look to her like a human. Scarlet and Jacin did not talk much about her cybernetics. They had come to accept her abnormalities but delusional Winter liked her Selene. She did not like cyborg Cinder. She was the one person who was most open about her cybernetics and Cinder had come to quite appreciate it. The Earthen leaders did not raise their prejudice against cyborgs. Lunars were better at handling her cybernetics then Earthens to say the least. They felt that cybernetics was quite cool but the opinion was restricted to the people who had been called as rebels during Levana’s term. The aristocratic population of Luna did not like to look up to a cyborg Queen.

She was disappointed when Wolf did not understand her. After all, both of them owed their tragic bodies to science. They had been made and changed into laboratories, tested upon like some lab rats. She had thought that he would understand her as they had suffered for similar reasons. But guess what things do not turn out like the way you want them, she of all people should know that. Even though a wolf-hybrid soldier,he was still human, she was 36.28% not.

She recalled the time when she had addressed the issue of Cyborg laws on Earth in one of the world meetings. Everyone had looked to her as if she had grown another head. Although they had promised to look into the matter half-heartedly, she came to realize that such promises were foolish to be taken into account and kept. Over the years she had learnt ways to get over her cybernetics criticism but the Emperor’s look still haunted her. She had told Iko that she should take a skin grafting as she could no longer handle people gawking at her cybernetic body parts. Iko had denied calling how she was a symbol for all the cyborgs on Earth. Iko had shouted how her cybernetics was nothing to be ashamed of. Little did she know that she was not ashamed of her cybernetics, she regretted having them. She did not remember having a full body with cold and touch susceptibility, having eyes that could cry with tears of joy instead of notifications of increased secretions of hormones like dopamine, endorphin, oxytocin and serotonin. She could not remember how she had blushed, how color rose to her chubby cheeks when she giggled before she was burnt alive. She did not want to live in times like this. In times when memories of being a social outcast haunted her, when prejudices tried to drown her happiness.

Today was one such day. It was the Annual Peace Ball and she was invited by Torin. Not the Emperor but his royal advisor, maybe she had misjudged the Emperor’s hatred for her. She was happy that it was Torin at least he had not hated her for her being a cyborg however they were on more civil grounds now. Torin was not quite bothered about her abnormalities like the others and she was grateful for that. She was about to be announced and that’s when all the bitter memories came back. She could drown in her tears if she could cry. Iko had fretted about how she had to look pretty for the camera. She had no strength left to tell her that she was no longer the Queen that everyone wanted to please and take good pictures of. She missed Peony and that’s when the headache kicked in.

She was the Emperor's personal guest, this was what she had been told but so were the other leaders. The Emperor had not shared a single dance with her in the entire evening. While the Emperor was off welcoming dignified guests unlike a Cyborg Queen, she had danced with unwanted nobles but it was not out of their will, it was more for power and position and forced respect.

The Emperor was busy dancing with the pretty woman that he had been courting. Iko had told her before they had flown to Earth. She had a headache for the entire night. Of course why would the Emperor not live his life with love and happiness? It’s she who was having problems even after all those years.

She was dancing with Queen Camilla’s son when the announcement was done. The handsome Emperor had gone on his knee and asked his pretty lady. They both looked happy and Cinder could not take it anymore. The lady had said yes and the cheers had erupted all around.  Before she knew she was being hugged by someone, it was Iko, her dear and only friend.

“It’s okay.” She had whispered. She had excused herself from the crowd and left the ballroom. She could not stand watching the two lovers and the happy crowd around her. It was ‘not okay’ she had wanted to shout to Iko but her color changing eyes looked somewhere between dark blue and grey. She could not figure it out. If possible then Iko would have cried her eyes out but they could not cry and Cinder had never been so thankful to her synthetic eyes. She was an outcast all along. She was an outcast with power and titles but nothing else. The Emperor would have the cruel, evil and heartless Levana as his wife and Empress to protect his people but he would not give Cinder a chance to be friends with him. He would not give her a chance to tell him the truth. He would allow the year old prejudice to control their lives. He would never love her. He would never love a broken cyborg. He would never love someone as worthless as Cinder.

In the end even though a Queen, she was 36.28% not human whose heart had been shattered by the same boy again and again.  She was defeated in her own life. Darkness was taking over her. She had already shut her eyes and the only amount of light was from the newsfeed fitted in her eye showing the news of Emperor’s engagement besides the picture of His Majesty and his fiancée. With this thought she had become broken all over again. She allowed grieve to take over, she could be human in her dreams. 

The darkness consumed her, just like the flame once had.

 ___

To be Loved:

She was gasping for air when she woke up and then there was a bloody headache. Thankfully it had not been her screaming this time. It took a moment for her to realize her surroundings- She was in her personal chambers. She realized how it was just a nightmare. At first the only comfort that she got was from the hand around her waist. It was the Emperor's hand. No, it was Kai's. He was Kai for her and not the Emperor of the Eastern Commonwealth. Just Kai- her Kai.

She was trying to calm herself by taking deep breaths, trying to recall all the happy memories with Kai and her friends. That time when Kai had proposed and she had said yes, when she had married him. When Thorne had helped her pick a tiara or when Cress and her had pranked all the others or when Winter had explained her childhood as a 3 year old toddler on Luna. She had far too many happy memories; she would not allow the nightmare to consume her.

Recently, her nightmares had an edge of sadness to it. They were increasing in numbers. Each night was a struggle between reality and her dark thoughts. Hopefully, Kai was in a better condition. She had learnt a new function in her control panel when she had gone to meet Dr. Nandez. She could mute herself at times according to her needs. The mute function worked in her just like it did for an escort-droid. 

After the rebellion came to an end, she had been having trouble sleeping. She never was vocal about her abnormal sleeping patterns. Iko had just assumed it was her being a workaholic. The mute function had helped her quite well to hide her nightmares from everyone while she was in Luna but it was different in Eastern Commonwealth. After she had given up her throne and converted Luna into a republic, she had returned to Earth. Kai had proposed and they had married later. It was difficult to hide the fact that you were having nightmares when you shared the bed with someone. Kai had found out. He was having his own troubles sleeping. After much convincing on his part, Cinder had agreed to go into therapy. Kai and Cinder were into it together. He talked about his problems with her and that helped him, talking helped him. She kept her problems bottled up. Maybe that's why he was recovering better in comparison to her. She always felt that he had enough on his plate without her adding her sleep troubles. Her nightmares about her loved ones death, Levana and failed rebellion had stopped. They had changed from fear to that of guilt and betrayal. Sometimes it was Peony accusing her of contracting her with Letumosis other times it was Kai unable to look upon her because of her cybernetics.

The therapy had helped. She pretended to have nightmare-less nights but who was she playing games with. Kai had already caught her so many times however she could not open up about her fears like he had. Cinder had lived her entire life being neglected and unloved. It was difficult for her to come to terms with the fact that she had people who cared for her. She needed time and he gave that to her.

She did not remember sleeping on the bed. She was sitting by the window waiting for Kai to return from his meetings that was supposed to end already. She must have fallen asleep before he had returned. Realizing that she had been thinking for far too long she tried to sleep, her internal clock informed her that it was only 3 in the morning. Cinder tried sleeping, sheep-counting, she cuddled closer to Kai. It was a failed attempt. Sleep won't come while she kept thinking about the meetings she had with the world leaders, Kai's birthday gift, Iko's request to go shopping and Torin's thoughts on the new policy they had talked about earlier. Hence, she gave up and rolled herself out of bed without disturbing Kai. Thankfully, Kai was fast asleep today. Maybe his meeting with the palace staff was exhausting. It went up pretty late. 

Walking out into the balcony adjoining their chamber, she said, 'I'm fine.' Cool air helps you become calm at least that's what that rom-com which Kai saw said. It was the day of the new moon. Luna would not be visible today. Although she had spent little part of her life there, she felt somewhat attached to it. Luna and being Lunar was a part of her and she had learnt to embrace it despite the horrors that Luna had stricken Earth with. The cool air might have been helpful as it helped her keep thoughts of her nightmare at bay. She had once told herself for hours that Kai loved her. Even though she was a Lunar and a cyborg he truly loved her. She had seen it for herself not that she doubted it but a little reassuring is what she needed from time to time.

“Ah!”

“Shhh..it’s me “he whispered into her ear. 

Kai. He had hugged her from behind and maybe her audio-interface did not hear his footsteps or maybe she was just too deep in her thoughts to realize that he was awake. Kai was not as silent as a cat rather he announced his arrival like the Emperor that he is.

“You gave me a heart attack, ever heard of informing before hugging people in the middle of the night?”

“Have you heard that according to the facts people usually sleep at 3 in the morning?”

She dared not answer that. Why could she just not have snuggled up closer to him in the bed than he would have not realized that she was awake. Now she had woken him up and he would talk about her problems until they were solved. He would be missing his chances of sleeping just because of her. She mentally scolded herself.

“Nightmares?” he asked slowly.

She nodded. He did not say anything after this. They remained silent for a long time. Something must be wrong. It was unlike Kai to be silent for so long so she turned around. He looked visibly shaken himself.

“You too?” she asked. He nodded hesitantly.

“The same one?” He nodded again.

“It’s okay Kai. I am here with you.”

He opened his mouth to say something but shut it, took a minute to get his thoughts together and spoke, “I had woken up and you were not there so I got all riled up and started frantically looking for you and then I saw you here and - ”

Before he could complete his rant she hugged him tightly. He did not waste any time before his arms had found their rightful place around her waist. She felt better just being near him- Kai worked miraculously on her anxiety. If he was a medicine he would totally help everyone get over their nervousness. It was quite his charm. Thankfully Cinder had him all for herself well not entirely as he was the Emperor so the well-being of the people was more important than personal well-being.

“Kai, why have you brought the blanket with you?” she asked teasingly.

He looked sheepish now. "Well after I saw you in the balcony and may I add on a cold night. I thought it would be good to... you know take a blanket to comfort you- and me as well. I don't want you to think that you need comfort like I need it too ...and it's okay to find comfort in each other and I have seen that blankets are necessary for comfort on cold nights and I thought to bring it along and now I am not so sure about my decision...maybe now that I know better I should just go back to-"

“Yeah. I know Kai.” she said grinning, obviously making fun of him. Although the Emperor of Eastern Commonwealth, Kai stuttered a lot while expressing his feelings and it was fun to watch the perfect diplomat stumble over his words from time to time.

“You are so adorable when you ramble about things as silly as blankets.” 

“Stop making fun of me. I am your Emperor.”

“I am your wife Mr. Emperor. I can make jokes at your expense.”

“I don’t remember it being mentioned in the list of rights you possess either as an Empress or wife.”

“It’s an unwritten law dear husband.”

“Well I withdrew your authority from this specific unwritten law as the Emperor, my lady.”

Having these banters with Kai, made her day as the Empress a bit more tolerable. It made her forget all about her worries and critics. Kai brought out the best of her. Something she would have never discovered if not for him. Falling into a comfortable silence, they decided to sit down on the couch that they had kept in the balcony for midnight scenarios like this. She guessed he had fallen asleep till he asked the question she had been dreading about all this time.

“So?” he asked worriedly.

“So?” she mimicked.

“Were you going to tell me?” he asked, his brows knitting together.

“What?” She asked, confused.

“Your nightmares?” he asked.

She had really believed he had forgotten about it just like she had. She had this gut feeling that this conversation would not end up without her being broken. She had been avoiding this talk for long enough now hence she decided to speak before giving rise to more complications.

“Oh that! It was nothing Kai.”

“Oh so now that you are having a nightmare it is nothing?” he was annoyed at her if not disappointed.

“I don’t want to talk about it now. I am rather happy now.” She had a slight sensation of a headache coming. If Kai pressed further she would be on the verge of a mental breakdown.

“Didn’t we talk about this Cinder? We would help each other and now you are backing out. Keeping everything bottled up will not help and no matter how much you try to hide it from me I will know it Cinder. How about cutting the crap and talking about it already!”

Cinder wanted to escape from the balcony. She was not so afraid to speak out about her problems than she was of being more or less guilty that she had kept her problems hidden from him.

“Kai” she croaked. Her throat had gone dry with an itchy sensation in her thorat. She did not want to fight with Kai. He was the first person who had stood up for her despite her abnormalities and origin. She wanted comfort from him but without troubling him and telling her problems will obviously add to his troubles.

“Were you ever going to tell me Cinder?” he asked, almost accusingly.

She hesitantly shook my head, better tell him the bitter truth. Now he looked disappointed and even slightly furious. His hand tugged at his hair pulling them so that he would not lose his temper and make things worse for both of them.

“Why? I already had figured out that you were hiding the fact that you were having nightmares and suffering alone. The mute function cannot stop your body from going stiff every time you wake up gasping for breath. I wanted to help but you refused; denying the very fact that you were having nightmares.”

“I did not want to trouble you Kai. You already had enough to worry about without my nightmares. My nightmares are nothing compared to yours. I didn’t want to wake you up every night and snatch away your very little sleeping time. So sorry if I became self-sacrificing because I decided to suffer alone.“

“It’s okay to have nightmares and I disturb you all the time when I wake up screaming. You make me look weak after you decide to suffer alone and Cinder didn't we promise that we would be there for each other in sickness and health. I want to help you just like you do. Tell me if there is something wrong with it and I would correct myself. So you better tell me what nightmare you had that got you so shaken up? Speaking helps Cinder listen to me.” He half- yelled at her trying to make her understand it. 

We were yelling at each other and she could not help but be ashamed. Why does she have to be so heroic? to be the root cause of this fight.

“You wanna know what this was all about, right? Then let me tell you”, She was practically yelling as well. “I am scared of everything that happened to me. I am scared of how my life turned over night at the Annual Peace Ball, of how I went from being neglected to the Lunar Princess who was assumed dead for over a decade. I hate to say this but I am afraid that people will hate or maybe they hate me for being cyborg and the only reason they keep up with me is because I come from family who was full of power hungry tyrants or because I am married to you and insulting me will be like insulting the choices of the Emperor. My nightmares are about how you would turn out to hate me at that night of the Annual Peace Ball when Levana took me in custody or how Peony’s death is upon my head. Hell I am scared that you would stop loving me because I am a cyborg even though you have reassured me a thousand times that it is not relevant but Kai I am afraid of how fast my life has changed and it has not made me crazy yet which is quite surprising. I know you love me and believe me I love you too but all those people around me who hate me or when the reporters and someone who does not know me criticizes me it makes me question my worth. Selene is important to them, Cinder is worthless. I do not know how Selene was. I am just Cinder, the girl who came out of the lab under Michelle Benoit’s house. I am the person who is the ashes of the 3 year old complete Selene. I am what am left behind of her and that haunts me at times. You love something incomplete Kai and I appreciate you for that but when I am nervous I just realize that you could have any girl yet you choose broken Cinder and I can’t comprehend it Kai. I just can’t –“

Before she could say anything, Kai tackled her into a bone crushing hug. He had wrapped his hands around herso tightly that she felt vulnerable and protected at the same time. She was panting for breath and stars, she had just yelled at Kai who was trying to be helpful. Her retina scanner warned her about rapid heartbeats and how she might shut down if she did not calm herself. Her internal clock said that it was 4:00 am. She sends those messages away. She would not pass out with important matters at hand.

“I am sorry Kai. I should not have yelled but I just got carried away-” 

“Shh..be quiet.” 

She had a throbbing sensation in her head and stars she wanted to cry. In the end it was Kai who was crying. He was an emotional dork, that’s what Torin and Cinder called him. It just felt like he expressed all the emotions that had been taken away from her. He expressed both their feelings. He completed her broken self but she would not dare say this aloud. Iko and Thorne would tease her to the moon and back.

“Stars, Cinder I can’t believe you had so many things bottled up. It’s not good to keep it all in. I love you  and remember that no one can change it and let no one else tell you otherwise. ”

“I won’t mute myself from now on Kai. I promise.“she mumbled. 

He pressed his forehead against her and mumbled words of encouragement. Their breaths mixed in the spaces between them. Her heartbeat had risen again for an entirely different reason. His unkempt hair tickled her. Kai's presence and his faint smell of soap and fresh pages even when he had just been sleeping soothed her. Pressing her forehead against Kai, she realized that sometimes being brave is to open up about one's problem. It takes actual bravery to accept your problems than to run away from them. Kai and Cinder had survived the lunar rebellion; they could survive the post trauma of the it as well. Together they had saved the world, now it was time to save them before they were lost in pretending to be someone else that they were not- in pretending that they were fine when they were not. Maybe if she accepted his help like he had, they could heal each other. Something good really came out of this conversation. He loved her, cyborg or not. 36.8% Human or not, he will always love her.

Thinking about this, she said,” I am in love with you Kai.” And then she closed the distance between them feeling peaceful. 

 _x_

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