synopsis. sophia tries confronting solani about her eating disorder, but lani refuses to admit that anything’s wrong. later, during a failed attempt at eating with the group, solani gets overwhelmed and runs out, spiraling.
tags. angst, lani freaks tf out (finally), if you hadn’t guessed my bias before u really won’t now (that’s a joke), lani finally reveals what’s really going on & why; eating disorder (bulimia), mature language, panic attack, this one’s dramatic af
solani woke with a start.
her eyes blink open against the too bright sunlight, disoriented for a moment. then the haze lifted, and her stomach dropped like a stone. her phone buzzed faintly on the nightstand; she grabbed it, more for distraction than interest. the time glared back at her: 10:30am.
and then the memories slammed into her all at once and she shot upright, eyes wide. "oh my fuck," she cursed, clutching at her chest as if physically pained by the memory. last night hadn't been a nightmare she could simply shake off—they all knew.
panic surged hot and fast and she stumbled into the bathroom, gripping the sink as her chest heaved. her reflection swam before her eyes, tears threatening to fall as she felt herself begin hyperventilating. she reached for the sink and cranked the tap, splashing ice cold water onto her face over and over until the sting shocked her lungs into slowing. breathe. in. out. again.
her vision steadied enough to meet her reflection, and what stared back at her was anything but kind. solani looked a mess—her eyes were bloodshot and nearly swollen shut, her hair stuck out in every direction, her cheeks tearstained. no wonder everything had seemed blurry at first. she stared at herself, pure disgust boiling in her gut as she thought, what the hell am i going to do?
her worst fear was here; the secret she’d guarded with every ounce of strength, all shattered in one night. they knew—they knew and they'd force her to recover, force her to eat. they'd make her gain back everything she'd worked so hard to lose. she imagined herself swelling, not from weight but thoughts, brain filling until she exploded out of pure sadness. bile rose in her throat.
a sudden knock jolted solani from her spiral.
"lani?" sophia's voice, careful and gentle, from the other side of the door. solani froze. "it's soph. can i come in?"
solani remained silent as she scrambled back onto her bed, phone in hand and eyes glued to the screen as she pretended to be preoccupied with anything but her thoughts.
sophia waited a beat more before opening the door slowly, her expression soft. "morning, baby." solani barely flicked her eyes up before returning to her phone and sophia's chest ached at the sight. "lani." she stepped closer, gently plucking the phone from the teenager and tucking it into the pocket of her own sweatpants. "lani, can you please look at me?"
the girl's hands immediately went to her sleeves, tugging them low over her knuckles. she stared down, picking at a cuticle until it bled.
"solani.” sophia coaxed, firmer this time. "i need you to look at me."
with visible effort solani lifted her gaze, eyes darting everywhere but toward sophia.
"look—i'm sorry." the older girl began, voice low. "i'm sorry about what manon told us, but she only did it because she loves you and couldn't let you keep hurting yourself. i'm sorry it took so long for us to see it, and i'm sorry it took so long for us to act. but we're here now, lani, and we're going to help you."
"what don't you guys understand?" solani grit her teeth. "i don't want your help." she looked up then, eyes narrowing as they met sophia's. "i hate you."
"i know." sophia didn't flinch. "and that's okay, because we love you." solani felt tears burning and looked away, blinking rapidly as she willed them to stay back, but sophia only moved closer. "can i hug you, lani?"
solani hesitated and for a moment sophia was sure she'd turn away, declining any comfort, but the teen surprised her by reaching forward. solani instantly melted into sophia's chest, gripping onto the back of her sweatshirt as she cried into the comfort she both desperately craved and hated so much.
when solani's sobs began to soften sophia shifted slightly, cupping her face. “alright.” she wiped away the streaks of tears with her thumbs and held her gaze, steady and unflinching. "lanibaby, we need to talk about this."
solani's stomach dropped and she pulled back from sophia, voice sharp. "no, we don't."
"listen to me." sophia returned her hands to grip the teens wrists not tightly, but just firm enough. "first, i need you to know that not a single one of us is upset or mad at y—"
"i don't even know what you're talking about." solani interrupted defensively, refusing eye contact.
"yes, you do." sophia's patience began to fray. "when did this start?"
"when did what start?" solani played dumb. maybe if she feigned confusion or amnesia or even gaslit the shit out of sophia—she was that desperate—she would give up on this interrogation.
however, luck did not seem to ever choose solani rodriguez’s side.
"lani, you know what i'm talking about." sophia sighed, frustrated with solani's lack of care. it seemed to her that the teen did not give a single shit about any of this.
"i don't." solani pulled her hands back from sophia's grasp and crossed her arms stubbornly.
"solani." sophia's voice hardened. "when did you start developing an eating disorder?"
at this the younger girls head snapped up, eyes blazing. "i don't have an eating disorder." she spat. solani suddenly found herself angry that the older girl would even accuse her of such a thing; eating disorders were serious and required a lot more. solani simply wasn't doing enough to have an eating disorder. she was only on a strict diet, was only practicing self-discipline. it was just a distraction.
"yes, you do." sophia argued back, "i know you don't see it, but you do—whether you think so or not."
"sorry to break it to you, sophia, but i don't." solani scooted backwards against her headboard, putting a bit more distance between them. "i'm just sad. i don't have an eating disorder."
"you're making yourself throw up, lani." sophia shook her head sadly, "you've dropped four sizes, you fainted at rehearsal, you lie about eating. your hair is thinning and falling out, solani. baby, you are sick."
"i'm fine, sophia." solani quickly swiped at the hair that had fallen onto her mattress. what sophia was saying made sense to the teen but oddly enough, she didn't feel saddened by them. in fact, it filled her with an odd sense of pride; the confirmation that someone thought she had an eating disorder proved she was not only distracting herself from her cloud of grief, but the others as well. in her twisted, sick mind, solani believed she was doing the right thing. they would see her as determined instead of miserable. independent instead of orphaned, resilient rather than sensitive.
"no, you're not." sophia stood from the bed, scanning the room briefly before turning in the direction of the teens bathroom.
solani shot to her feet and trailed right behind the older girl, protests getting louder when she saw what sophia was heading for. "no soph, that's mine!" she lunged for sophia's arm that held the scale but the older girl did not budge.
sophia only shook her head before leaving the teen’s bedroom, passing her roommates in the kitchen as she made her way out of the apartment and down the hallway toward her own unit.
solani followed the entire way, ignoring manon and daniela calling after her as she slipped out behind the group’s leader. "soph, please don't. please just give it back!”
sophia placed the scale in her closet as they reached her bedroom. solani tried pushing past the older girl to retrieve it, but sophia was much taller and stronger, simply lifting her and setting her down on the bed. "lani, you need help and having a scale is triggering." sophia sat down beside her, wrapping an arm around the teens shoulders. "and we need to talk to the girls tonight. we all just want to help you."
"no, there's nothing to talk about." solani instantly shook her head, vehemently disagreeing. "i'm fine!"
"yes, there is. we're all part of a group together; we need to be there for each other." sophia sighed. "we've been trying to let you process your grief on your own terms, but i think we went about that all wrong. i'm sorry we've let this go on as long as it has, but we're going to help you now."
solani was absolutely frantic trying to think of anything to convince the older girl otherwise. "well this is my personal buisness and you can't tell anyone. that breaks confidentiality."
"baby." sophia breathed, "that's not what confidentiality means. i am not your therapist, doctor, or lawyer—i’m not bound by any confidentiality clauses.”
hearing this solani blinked. once, then again, then again until she frustratedly flopped backwards on sophia’s bed, breaking into yet another round of tears. sophia moved beside her and rubbed her back, whispering sweet nothings into her ears for comfort.
after crying herself dry solani tried one last ditch effort—begging pathetically.
"please, soph. please." she sobbed. "you don’t—you don’t get it. i need it."
sophia's heart shattered but she tightened her hold. "baby, you don't see what we see. you're already perfect. i know you're going through so much right now, and we aren't going to let you do this alone."
solani stops arguing, defeated. she couldn’t tell sophia the truth behind this mess—that it wasn’t really about weight or looks at all. (well, at least that’s not how it began. it had become one of the reasons, but that’s not what initially sucked solani in.)
sophia didn't move for a long time after that, even after solani's sobs had quieted into hiccups and silence. the youngest lay numb against her, entire body exhausted, head tucked against sophia's collarbone.
megan and lara appeared in the doorway then, hesitant as their eyes darted between the girls on the bed. "how is she?" megan whispered; sophia only shook her head in response. there wasn't a neat answer.
solani stirred faintly, pulling back just enough to mutter, "i can hear you."
megan winced, stepping fully into the room. "sorry, lani. didn't mean to talk over you."
solani doesn't reply, instead busying herself with tightening the sleeve of her sweatshirt around her wrist.
"you hungry at all?" lara reaches out to smooth a hand through her curls. "we have strawberries!" her voice lifts slightly, hopeful as she watches the younger girls reaction.
but solani's body only stiffens and her stomach twists, the idea sending alarms blaring in her mind. she shakes her head hard. "no."
"okay," sophia sighs, gentle but firm. "but you're gonna eat something soon. doesn't have to be now."
"no." solani repeats, firmer this time.
megan glances at sophia then back at the teenager. "um, maybe just a little. you haven't had anything since yesterday, and—" she trails off, leaving out that whatever solani did ingest yesterday, she didn't keep down.
the teen's eyes snap upward, blazing. "i said no."
"okay." lara lets out a slow breath. "we'll wait, but you're not skipping. we aren't letting you do this anymore, lani. it's not healthy."
solani narrows her eyes then. "i'm pretty sure you were the one who told me there was no right or wrong way to grieve."
"this is different and you know that, solani." lara sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. "what you're doing isn't even grieving—it's avoiding."
sophia's gaze darts from the teen beside her back to the girl in the doorway, sensing emotions blending into tension. "okay. meg, lara, why don't we give lani some space for now, all right?" she stands, giving solani one last squeeze before letting go. "we'll be right in the kitchen if you need us."
solani stays silent, watching the three of them go with an overwhelming sense of dread pooling in her gut. they were watching now. all of them—no more slipping away, no more hiding. the thought made solani want to scream.
solani didn't plan on falling asleep but her body had given out anyway, already exhausted by her dramatics so early in the morning. when she woke, it took her a moment to recognize where she was—yoonchae and sophia's apartment, alone in the latters bedroom.
remembering how she had ended up here in the first place the brunette pushed herself upright, eyes darting immediately from the nightstand, to the dresser, then to any small gaps between furniture and back again like she might've missed it—but she hadn't, because her scale was gone. apparently sophia was far smarter than solani had initially given her credit for.
a wave of anger floods through the teen and she tightened her jaw, dragging a hand over her face. it didn't matter how hard she looked or how much she begged; sophia would never relent, and now that everyone knew, solani would never be able to buy a replacement.
she didn't plan on going into the kitchen, either, but the dryness in her throat had grown impossible to ignore and she desperately needed a glass of water; but the second she rounded the corner of the kitchen, she found herself face to face with all. six. girls.
"hi, lani." yoonchae greets, far too cheery.
solani didn't answer. instead she crossed to the counter, grabbing one of sophia's glasses and filling it slowly from the tap. she sensed everybody's eyes on her and suddenly felt another wave of anger wash over her. why did they have to find out? why couldn't they just leave her alone? she swallows thickly, gripping the edge of the countertop for a second too long before turning back around.
"i know it's kinda late for lunch but we needed to eat, so i just made grilled cheese." lara nods toward the table where six empty plates sat neatly arranged beside a pan stacked high with sandwiches, the smell of melted cheese thick in the air.
solani's stomach turns at the sight but she forces a neutral expression as she gave a slight, silent nod. she walks toward the table without a word, grabbing one of the sandwiches and placing it onto her plate before sitting down. she watches as each of the other girls take their own places; dani to her left and manon on her right as the other four girls sat on either side.
"just eat as much as you can, sol." megan encourages gently, her voice stripped of its usual teasing edge.
solani didn't respond, instead just stared at the plate in front of her. daniela shifted beside her and solani caught the way her gaze lingered slightly before moving on. she realized they were deliberately trying not to hover too much or overwhelm her, but it only made her feel like she was taking a test she knew she wouldn't pass.
"lani, you need to eat." manon pleaded after solani had outwardly refused to take even one bite in the past fifteen minutes. "please just try."
"i'm not hungry." solani murmured, the first words she'd spoken since she woke in sophia's room. she hated this, hated that they all knew and were now making her eat when she so obviously did not want to.
manon just sighed, reminding herself to be patient. this was solani's first time eating since they had all found out, and they needed to give her grace. so the older girl simply cracked a closed smile, allowing solani a few minutes before giving her another gentle reminder.
another twenty minutes passed and solani had still not budged. the teen, partly out of spite, had refused to take even a single bite, instead busying herself with separating the melted cheese from her bread.
"lanibaby, please try to eat a little." dani sighed finally, tone teetering towards frustration.
solani clenches her jaw, unable to hold her own frustration in any longer. "daniela, i said i wasn't fucking hungry!" she shouts suddenly, shoving her plate across the table with a bit more force than intended. she watches with wide eyes as the plate shatters to the floor, sending glass shards and food flying across the kitchen floor.
the room was silent as each girl slowly turned to look at solani who looked bewildered at her own reaction, bringing shaky hands to her gaping mouth in shock. she felt tears well in her eyes as she looked from the ground to the girls and back to the floor again. the worst part of it was that the older girls didn't even look angry; they looked sad, which somehow felt worse.
"i'm sorry." solani voiced, voice cracking. she pushed her chair back and stood on shaky legs, quickly racing out of the kitchen and down the hall, door shutting loudly as she disappeared into her own apartment.
the six older girls remained in the kitchen, frozen in surprise at solani's outburst. it wasn't the act itself that shocked them, it was the fact that it was solani; arguably the gentlest of them all, their youngest, someone who practically lived her life walking on eggshells out of fear of upsetting others.
megan rises from her seat with a sigh, reaching for the broom. "i'll get it." she sweeps the sharp shards into the dustpan silently, then moves to clean the spilled food. "let's just give her a minute."
"bullshit." dani shook her head, halfway out of her seat. "we've given her a lot of 'minutes', and look where that got us. i'm going."
"no, wait." sophia cut in firmly, pushing back from the table and rising to her feet. "i'll go."
she doesn't wait for daniela's argument, moving quickly out of the kitchen and out into the buildings hallway, steps purposeful as she reaches the door to solani's unit. "lani?" she calls, knocking once before pushing it open. “i'm coming in."
she let herself inside, eyebrows pinching together at a sudden crash coming from the teens bedroom. she rushes down the hall until she reaches solani's doorway, heart breaking at the sight.
solani was stood in the middle of her room, chest heaving as tears streamed uncontrollably down her face. she swiped an arm across the top of her dresser, sending her jewelry box crashing to the carpet. it split open on impact, contents spilling out across the floor, but she didn't flinch. her hands shook, entire body held tight with a tension that felt dangerously close to unraveling.
sophia stepped forward slowly, careful as though approached a nervous animal. "look, lani, i get it. i get that you're struggling, and—"
"no, you don't get it!" solani cuts her off, voice cracking as she spun towards her. sophia paused, taken aback by the sudden emotion that solani had spent the past two months choking down. "my mom died, sophia, and she's not coming back. she's my mom and she's not ever coming back and i can't—i can't breathe!"
she hiccups, aggressively swiping at hot and rapid tears. "i can't breathe now that she's gone and no one understands and—" she choked on the rest, gasping, chest rising and falling dangerously fast. "and i tried so hard be small and perfect so i can stay in the group but i can't fucking breathe and—"
sophia steps fully into the room now, chest tight. "lani, what are you talking about? of course you're staying in the group."
"no, you don't understand." solani insists, shaking her head. "all the fans, the comments—"
"all of them!" solani cries, words spilling out faster now, tangled and desperate. "they're all saying i'll be too much and you guys don't want some miserable kid in the group—which is fine, i get it—but now my mom's gone and you're all i have left so i thought if i just focused on something else, if i tried really hard to stay small and perfect and not think about it too much, that i wouldn't have to feel it. and maybe then i wouldn't bring you down with me. but now you're trying to take that from me and i feel even more suffocated and—"
solani doesn't get to finish her tearstained monologue as sophia crosses the room in two quick strides, stepping around wooden shards from the broken jewelry box. she presses her body against the younger girls and holds her to her chest until solani collapses, knees giving way as she sinks to the carpet like an anchor to a seabed. sophia cradles her, holding the child through her onslaught of grief and rage and utter despair. she rakes gentle fingers through the girls tangled curls.
her tone is stern but cracked as she shakes her head. "there is nothing you could do that would make us not want you in this group." she tightens her grip on the distraught girl. "do you hear me?" she leans back, cupping a gentle hand under solani's chin and tilting her head slightly upwards. "especially not your grief—we've been waiting for you to cut the shit and stop pretending you were okay, 'cause we all knew you weren't."
"i thought it was working." solani huffs a watery laugh. she feels pathetic for believing her stupid idea had actually worked, when in reality the girls had just been waiting her out this whole time. "up until manon heard me...i thought you all believed i was handling it myself." her voice gets small, almost as if embarrassed by her next thought, "or...or that maybe you wanted me to handle it, because you thought i'd be too much, too."
sophia thinks back to when solani first returned after her mothers death. she remembers how they had expected the teen to collapse, how they'd braced themselves for her loud and messy grief because of mirrored the lani they knew—loud and messy and unfiltered. but instead they were met with a quiet, watered-down version who came off as hauntingly perfect, who never had a hair out of place or the slightest ghost of a frown. they had all assumed she just wasn't ready, assumed there'd be night in the near future where she came into one of her roommates rooms with red eyes like she usually did when hurt.
now, though, sophia's expression shifts immediately, guilt flashing across her face as she exhales slowly. "no, lani." she says, voice softer but no less certain. "we knew you were hurting, we just didn't push because we thought you'd come to us when you were ready—not because we wanted you to hide it." she brushes a hand gently through the younger girls hair, smoothing it back from her tear-stricken face. "we love you—all of you, lani. not just the easy parts, and not in spite of the parts that hurt. we love all of you."
there's a beat of silence as solani remains still, searching the older girls eyes for any sign of dishonesty. she finds none. "it hurts so bad, soph. i can't get it to go away. how can i get it to stop hurting?"
with a sinking feeling, the older girl knows there isn't much she can do to make this ache go away. "i don't know, baby. i wish i did." she frowns, pressing a gentle hand against the back of the girls head and pulling her back in. "but i've got you, lani. you're alright, i got you." she swallows thickly and holds solani even tighter as if she could hold her together, tether her there. and they stay like that, in a tangled heap on the carpet, until the teens desperate sobs turn into soft hiccups and, eventually, silence.
