#suididal

~~~~~~~~~ TW for suicidal thoughts (it doesn’t happen but is suggested)

Phil knows when you say the word god people think of Prime. They think of large churches with wall to ceiling windows, a man who rose up from nothing and took on the un-touchable. Slaying and drinking the blood of a fallen forgotten god, becoming the very thing he killed. Or people might think of XD, a demi god set on gathering followers to only get the deed to their souls. A transactional god, Phil thinks. You deal with him, you deal with where you end up after death.

However when Phil thinks of a god, he thinks of a god who loves, breathes and cherishes the land around them. Their name has been lost a long time ago, longer than Phil’s been alive. But he also knows that when you deal with them, you don’t deal with your life, unlike some. Now he would never put someone down for their religion but at times he finds himself wondering what people see in Prime and XD.

All he seems to see is two angry children playing savour, very badly at that. At least his god, HC, doesn’t lie, doesn’t hold back information and doesn’t ask for anything after death. Phil thinks he’s lucky to have lived so long serving a grateful god. Even now as he sits upon the forest floor, snow soaking into his pants and freezing his legs as he prays, he’s so happy he’s been blessed by them.

He can remember the day he’d heard their voice in his ear - if you can even call it that - and how sad they sounded when they set their gaze upon him. A young man who had nothing left to do, nothing to live for. Other gods would send their worshipers to death, all while his did everything in their power to keep him as far away from the ledge as they couldn’t.

~|HC|~

It was long ago when he’d felt lost, hope drained from his very bones and thoughts reaching for any reason to keep going, to maybe build another temple, another mansion, anything that distracted him. Yet he found nothing but endless clouds below and a longing to do something he could never put into words.

“Phil?” Phil shook his thoughts away as he turned his head away from his balcony.

“Yes?” He asked the servant girl who stood in the doorway. Her brown hair flowed with the breeze, eyes a dark blue compared to his light ones. “Do I have a new request from the king?” He asked, fully turning his back to the clouds below them. There’s a fuzziness in his chest, hope he thinks, that he has a job he can do.

The servant girl shook her head, eyes trained on him with worry. The feeling went away quickly after that. “I was just concerned, you’ve been up here for hours…” She got quieter the more she talked, gaze moving from him to the clouds around them. The king, a man who ruled with a kind smile but strict instructions, made Phil his personal builder and planner. Which at the time was a blessing, he’s done so much on his own. He’d love to help out the ever growing kingdom, be a part of something more.

But then the years went on and he’d been given less and less work. The kingdom was buzzing with energy and everywhere he looked he could see something he helped plan or built. It’s finished, repairs going to the lesser more unskilled workers, leaving Phil with nothing but grand balconies to look off of. He’s grateful that the king didn’t just throw him to the side when the job was done, let him have a room in the castle. It didn’t stop the longing he's afraid.

“It’s quite beautiful.” He says back, realizing that he hasn’t replied to her. “The sunset I mean, it’s the perfect view to see it.”

The girl looks back at him, lips thin as she takes a step forward. “The sunset was forty minutes ago.” She says, hands curling around the rails as she looks off into the distance.

Phil pauses, turning to look out and the endless stair filled sky. “…it was?” He questions. Had he really been standing here for that long? The look she gives him makes him believe her. It’s not the first time he’s lost track of time after all. “Sorry, I guess I’m just very spacey today. You know me.” Even though she probably doesn’t, this being there first meeting and all. She must be new, he thinks quickly.

The girl hums as she turns away from the rails and to the door. “Should I tell the guards that you're out here? So they don't become worried when you're not walking around or in bed.” Phil nods without facing her.

“Thanks.” He says quietly as he hears the doors behind him shut. Just like that he’s left alone once more with his thoughts. He’s never been a very emotional man. Phil does what needs to be done and that’s that. He does what he needs to to survive, because there’s not much he can do now except that. There’s no next big project or kingdom needing his help or store keepers needing a new coat of paint on their walls.

So he stands on a balcony, hands itching to grip the railings just to help him over them. Phil’s not an emotional man, by the gape in his stomach he knows there’s nothing there. Yet he feels his eyes watering and hands going tighter around the rails. He’s not emotional and yet he swings a leg over, the other following quickly behind. He’s not emotional yet he contemplates the worst, because there’s nothing left for him.

A king doesn’t come to power because everything’s alright, a kingdom doesn’t grow without war. And Phil doesn't end up on the edge of a castle because he has someone waiting for him. War took things from everyone, and it took his future from him. Took kind eyes and loving kisses, took grumpy little hands and babbling nonsense, it took everything. Phil’s a builder because it’s distracting, it’s time consuming. But now, he’s bored and his thoughts are not at all nice to him.

It’s always easier to quit a job he thinks as his hands loosen. Phil closes his eyes and imagines what he would be doing now, if war never crossed his path. Maybe reading bedtime stories next to a loving wife. His daughter snuggled between the two, seven years old. Not having seen her own mother get taken away by soldiers at four, father being beaten as he tries to protect both of them. He imagines maybe having a second child on the way, maybe a boy this time.

Not being alone in a castle he built but doesn’t own, crying to sleep as he tries to remember every memory he has of the two of them. The wind pushes against him like thunder, loud and roaring in his ears. If he’s being honest with himself, it feels like he’s floating, or maybe even flying. He smiles and opens his eyes. He sees clouds, a dark sky and for the first time, purple eyes staring right back at him.

He startles, shooting his head back in surprise as the woman in front of him smiles. “Hi!” She greets, hair flying all over the place as they fall. She doesn’t seem at all stressed or afraid.

“Wa-what-“ he looks around like this was all a dream and he’d suddenly be back in his room. But no, he just sees a dark sky with stairs shining in all their glory. The woman looks around too, hand on her chin in thought. Phil had no words, air being pushed out of his lungs the farther they descend.

“I guess I’m a little late.” She starts off, a chuckle falling from her lips. “I thought you wouldn’t do it, at least not tonight at least!” She’s smiling, why is she smiling? There literally falling, death growing closer every second like an animal hunting down its meal. Phil must have made a face because she suddenly looks stern, hands reaching out towards him. “The names Hardcore, but call me HC. Also I’m a god and I thought you’d be the perfect worshipper!” She yells over the loudness of the wind around them.

Her voice booms, loud against Phil’s own heartbeat. He takes a second to register her words before he’s trying to see if he can fall a little bit away from her. She must be crazy-

“Don’t look at me like that!” She says, lisp pulled down into a frown. “Your hardworking, a great builder, kind and great company-“ She goes on to talk about more things that makes him such a great worshipper. But to him it sounds like she’s trying to hire him for a job more than anything. “-oh and the benefits!” She says, eyes sparkling.

“Benefits!?” He screams out the question, not sure he could even be heard. She hardly looks like a god, let alone be giving benefits. Yet again, this just makes her sound like she’s trying to offer him a job of some sort.

“Ya!” She yells nodding. Phil hums, he guesses she heard him. “You get me as a god!” Phil raises an eyebrow at that, looking down to see the clouds rushing you to meet him. Maybe he should have picked a lower balcony-

“You're supposed to be listening to me!” She yells, making him look up at her.

“I'm sorry Ms…”

“HC.” She fills in happily.

“…right. But I don’t want a god.” He says.

“But you want a job.” She says with a smug grin. “One that you could never get bored of, isn’t that right Philza?” Phil looks away from her, thoughts racing. Maybe if he was in the right mind he would think more before just talking, maybe actually question her about being a god. Because she doesn’t look like one and she could have easily been a random woman who jumped just like he did, just wanting a kick before they both go. But he’s not in his right mind, and Phil doesn’t care enough right now to pretend he was.

“…go on.” He says, not yelling this time, he’s too tired to. The clouds pass them and he spots the rocky ground below them. He doesn’t have much time left, it seemed.

HC seems to register that as she faces her palm up. “I’d give you orders, as many as you want, to build creations to last generations. You’d have purpose, oceans to transform, dimensions to explore. There’s more than just taking orders from a king, you could take orders from a god Philza. You could also fall, fall to your heart's content but you’d be able to get back up again, because you're my follower and I’d be your god.”

Phil looks into her eyes, finding that they are like diamonds if they were purple. Shining in the darkness, a star, a light. “How do I know you're not lying, that I won’t get bored?” He asks, even if time is running out. He has nothing left to work forward to, why not quit while he’s ahead?

“Because I know humans, and I know what you really want.” He says, hand glowing hot red. “All you have to do is give me your wrist, and I'll give you the world upon worlds.” Phil looks at her hand, at the power that flows off of it and reaches out. Seconds before his time was up she wraps her hands around his wrist. He then promptly passes the fuck out.

When he wakes the first thing he does is check his palues. Finding that his heart was still beading and he was still breathing. At first he thought it was some kind of very sad dream, but when he takes his hand away he spots it. A weird heart symbol left on his right wrist for all to see. Phil goes to stand, but can’t as he stumbles back down. There’s a weight on his back, and later that day he finds that he’s grown huge black wings.

Benefits, he remembers HC saying all those years ago, there his benefits. Phil doesn’t return back to the castle, instead he finds himself in the woods. Sunlight reflecting off his feathers like they were crystals. He also finds HC again, her long hair being played with by a pink haired child. He pauses, eyes wide as he stares at her. “Is that?…”

“Yes.” She says, the child turning to face him. Small little tusks at the sides of his mouth. “This is your next job.” She stands, child being picked up and he,d on her hip as she walks over. Phil just stares not knowing what else to do. He thought the wings and weird symbol was all she was going to leave him with.

“I-why do you have them? What do they have to do with my job?” He finds himself saying, eyes stuck on the boy's red blood eyes.

She chuckles at that. “This is The Blood God, and you're going to raise him.” She says it like it's a fact, and Phil finds himself accepting that it was.

“Do I just look after him or?” He cuts himself off, watching as the child holds his little hands towards him. A small smile on his face. Phil feels the emptiness inside him disappear as something new grows there. Something he’s missed for a very long time.

“Yes.” HC says as she sets the boy down on the forest floor. “And when the time comes, I’ll return to bring him home. But for his safety, you’ll be his caretaker.” And just like that she disappears, leaving the two alone in the early morning.

~|HC|~

“Phil?” A gruff voice calls for him, snow crunching under the man’s boots. Phil stops in his praying, a routine he’s found himself in many times over the years. He opens his eyes and looks to the side to see Techno walking over.

“Over here!” He calls back, getting back up off the ground. Phil swipes to snow off his pants as his son walks over to him.

Techno looks from him to the symbol resting on his wrist. “Praying?” He asks with a huff, displeased already.

Phil rolls his eyes, wings rustling behind him. “Yes, Techno, I was praying. She says hello.” Techno grunts as he turns away from him, arms crossing over his chest.

“Why pray to her?” He asks as the two start walking over to the house. “You could be praying to me you know.”

Phil laughs as he bumps his shoulder with his oldest. “You know I can’t do that, you need to get your own followers, not try and steal me away.” Techno huffs again, mumbling something under his breath. They slowly make their way back home, trees clearing away as they enter their clearing.

The sound of humming draws their attention to their neighbour. Ranboo stands in the middle of the cow pen, checking over his animals. Phil then gets an idea. “Hey Techno?” The man in question looks over to him. “Want a follower?” He doesn’t have any time to question him about it as Phil turns to Ranboo. “Hey Ranboo!” He calls quickly, getting the younger's attention. “Techno wants to talk to you about something!”

And with that he flees to his cabin, hearing Techno yell after him. “Bruh!” He could hear the other yelling.