#suicidalthoughts

The Last September (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/story/380312460-the-last-september?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_myworks&wp_uname=NousagiKing 

Kson's always-busy friend and ex-coworker Karen suspiciously asks to hang out. There's only one reason in Kson's mind why: the one request she cannot bear. As Kson searches for her answer, she relives the trauma of her past job and her bitter departure.

2020 was a long time ago, but I still haven't forgotten. I wanted to put those emotions into a story. Thanks for the memories, Kaichou. (As always this is a work of fiction, even if based on real events.)

There is absolutely not a single thing I like about this body.

I want to crawl out of this skin. I want to tear it apart. I want to destroy the useless sack of flesh and bones I was born with.

It's all just... So gross and disgusting.

Why do I even bother trying anymore. Nothing i do is ever good enough

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t know who I am anymore. I constantly feel like I am on the verge of breaking down. I feel like I am going crazy, and if my mind is an ocean, my thoughts are a tsunami. I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate, I can’t even think straight. I am a fucking mess.

I am not capable of healing. Every single thing that has hurt me and caused me pain or broken me in some profound way has distorted into this wound that bleeds at the slightest touch

Life has given me countless examples to show it’s never going to be okay. That I don’t deserve to be okay. Forget better, or good. And I think I deserve to opt out of such a life

Sometimes it becomes too much

and I’m just not enough -

not enough to overcome.

not enough to live through.

not enough to survive.

I’m just not enough.