#suicidalbehavior

#weronoka

O

#2016lifenotes

Been a rough evening. My mood went bad when my son said he didn’t want steaks for dinner. I wanted to make something special. On came the anger. It ruined my night. Fortunately a movie called “Man Up” helped. I cried. I feel a little better. I need to cry more.

I need to cry for the life that has been stolen from the young version of me. At CSU I was taught to carry thru and protect all versions and ages of me. It makes me sad that young me’s dreams are broken. It makes me sad that middle me was ruthlessly treated and cheated on by my now ex wife. I’m sad. I started to feel suicidal but I pushed those thoughts aside as I have to protect the young and middle me.

#freebutterfly1989

Today I woke up sad. Woke up feeling a whole lot of different emotions. Mind fucking emotions. Emotions that seemed impossible to get away from. I panicked. My my mind was yelling at me. My thoughts we becoming so intense. It was telling me that I wasn’t good enough for anyone. That I was ugly. That I was useless, that I wasn’t good enough at my job. That I was stupid and forgetful. To go die. I wanted to die. I wanted all those feelings of today and other days to go away. I wanted the pain to stop. I thought about it, and I kept telling it no. No. I cried and sat in my bed wondering what to do,I looked around my room as if I were lost in my own room. Not knowing how to get out. Who was I suppose to talk to ? What Was I suppose to do? Do I kill myself here?  In my bed? With what ? how? I wanted to much to just take my life. To end this vicious cycle . To kill the demon, the enemy within me. I grabbed a xacto knife, and tried to cut into my arm. It seemed dull. That was frustrating. So I grabbed a blade I had taken out of a razor and just went over my arm with it, my leg, and my neck. then I calmed down after a while. Blood started to flow out of each wound. I felt better. My leg got the most of it. It does hurt and burn, but nothing serious. I do regret my arm, because the weather was getting nice. I am going to be hard on myself  these next few days. What to wear without them being seen by mom, and work will be my struggle. I fucked up. I hope that the weather isn’t nice. But then again I can’t be selfish and wish that, just because I fucked it up and can’t wear short sleeves for a while.I’m upset about my leg to. I don’t wear shorts, but this summer I hope to. I hope no scarring is left behind. I will do my best to apply bio oil daily. The one thing I hate about cutting is the scars. I know, I probably sound stupid saying all this, but it’s how I feel. It’s a cycle. A never ending cycle. I get depressed, I cut, I feel better, I get depressed about the scarring, then I go a while without cutting. It’s scary sometimes. I had one serious time that I tried to slit my wrist to try and kill myself, I obviously was unsuccessful  I freaked. I think I just expected to die right away. However I sat there for a few minutes, and then screamed for my mom. She took me to the hospital. I eventually snapped into reality and was like fuck. I don’t want to be put away into a hospital. So I lied my way out. Blamed it on the medication. The key is to keep as calm as possible. Not flip the fuck out. Just stay come. And say the right things. Then you get out. I think their is a possible chance in the future if I can’t put a stop to this that I could die from it. I have this thing now, well ive don’t it a few times before, but I go right for my neck when I cut. If I ever do die from a cut to the neck, it’s very possible that was a accident.  Unless one day im super fucking pissed off then that’s another story, but one will never know. Only I will, but I wouldnt be here to tell you that.

#ncc-seventeen-oh-pain

#playygroundeyes

Ten facts about me

1: I am real 2: I am valid 3: I am suicidal 4: I have been abusive in the past, but I an still a good person 5: I cry sometimes and it’s okay 6: I’m really really lonely 7: The words of those who despise me do not define me 8: I try really hard to make everyone happy and to make them stay, but it doesn’t seem to work 9: I want to be happy 10: I’m not something that can be easily cared about

#boysfallenangel

…

#starttheheadbanging

I feel it quickly coming over me Like the ominous clouds before a storm It’s like a noose around my neck With a rope of my own thoughts Just a silhouette of my former self An empty shell of who I used to be I am depression and anxiety I am eating disorders and sleepless nights I am blood stained wrists and razorblades I am suicide

#nextchapterplease

Everyone has had that I just want to die feeling. For me it’s when I know I’m going to have to live with the regrets. As I am writing this my boyfriend is breaking up with me. It’s not like we were together for a year and I know he doesn’t owe me anything but the promises he made felt real. Let me tell you something about myself, I try my best not to have regrets. I feel as though no one should live with any regrets so I forget the bad choices I’ve made and move on. I am not suicidal by the way Im guessing my first sentence suggests that I am, I promise I’m not. I just really hate my life right now and tbh I don’t know where I am going with this but I’m so over this chapter and I cant wait for the next.