#sugarandspace

The way that Alec smiled at him, tired and weary but endlessly soft, made Magnus feel like his heart were being squeezed just this side of painful. It was the most vulnerable he had ever seen him, and it was simply theirs to share.

“Hey, Magnus… Why did you agree to this, us, like this?” Alec gestured vaguely. His eyebrows drew tightly together in consternation, and Magnus fought the urge to kiss the skin between into relaxing. “Why are you willing to hide with me?”

It had been a few weeks since their conversation about an arranged marriage for the sake of preserving the Lightwood legacy and foothold in the New York Institute. Maybe it was some kind of desperation that had driven Magnus to be so cavalier about his willingness to accept the “don’t ask, don’t tell” mentality of shadowhunters. The thought of losing the first spark of hope in love that he had had in over a century was excruciating, and concealing it so meticulously was a high price, but he was paying it. In a way, though, keeping this fragile thing between them a secret, left to grow in discretion, felt a little like a relief. Whatever it may be with time, it was theirs alone.

At the silence, Alec licked his lips nervously and started to say something.

Instead, Magnus held up a finger to his mouth to quiet him anticipatorily. Through a roguish grin, he said, “I’m going to need you to put on some underwear before you say anything else. I want to give that question the answer it deserves, but that’s a tremendous ask when you’re up against me like this.”

Alec rolled his eyes as if it were nothing more than a line, but there was something in his eyes that betrayed his self-satisfaction. And that was exactly what Magnus had intended. “All right, well then, look away.”

Magnus turned his back with exaggerated movements and crossed his arms over his chest with a smile. It was nice to have someone to be this way with again; it felt like liberation to have someone with whom he was free to be himself without the burden of titles and expectations. He was exposed when he stripped away the personas and facades that were like secondary skins. They were facets of himself that people expected him to have, but Alec never seemed to want him to be anything but Magnus. Not Magnus Bane, not High Warlock Bane, not Prince Regent of Edom.

“Are you decent?” Magnus teased after the sounds of fabric on skin had subsided.

In response, Alec came up behind him and leaned in just enough that his chest brushed Magnus’ back. “All done.”

Magnus shifted his weight to lean back into Alec lightly and reached back to thread his fingers into Alec’s still-damp hair. Softly scratching his nails through the soft strands made Alec hum contentedly. “We should sit so we can discuss your question.”

“Can we lay down?”

“Of course.”

They climbed on the bed over the sheets and comforter, and Alec immediately rolled over so Magnus could curl up behind him. He even lifted his arm away from his chest so Magnus could slide an arm over his hip bone and anchor his hand on his abdomen. This was something they had done once before—bearing their heart to anyone was hard for both of them, but this way made it a little easier.

Magnus took a slow breath, gathering his thoughts appropriately. “You’re a possibility, Alexander. A beautiful, liberating possibility that I’ve never had the fortune to come across in all my life.”

Ever melancholy, Alec replied, “How can you feel that way when I’m basically shoving you back in the closet with me, and asking you to sneak around and be ashamed of something that should be so simple. It makes me feel like a child to ask you to…stoop this low.”

“It was my choice, Alec. I chose to put myself in the position I’m in. And for the record,” Magnus added, pressing his lips to the back of Alec’s ear, “I’m glad that I did.”

Alec pressed back perceptibly closer to him, ducking his head to press into the crook of Magnus’ neck in a self-soothing gesture. “You’re not just saying that so that I feel less guilty, right? Because it doesn’t work if you don’t mean it.”

Many times throughout Magnus’ life he had been in the position of feeling at the disadvantage with the people he loved. He worried himself sick over whether he was being too clingy, too transparent, too vulnerable, and then he overcorrected and worried about being too aloof, too distant, and too unavailable. The cyclical questioning and self-doubt had ruined a lot of encounters before they even had the chance to become something concrete. Even now, there was a seed of doubt about what he was doing with Alec—maybe he was giving him too much credit, and maybe putting his own heart on the line was naïve.

“I don’t have the luxury of knowing what will come of this, Alexander,” he said carefully, “but I am certain that never giving it the chance would be something I would always regret. Will I always be content to be the soul of discretion in regards to you and what we may feel? Likely not. But you didn’t ask me for forever, and I’m not asking you either. I think both of us just needed the chance to be worth the risk of seeing it through to whatever end it might reach.”

Warm calloused fingers made their way down Magnus’ arm to lace between his own and squeeze gently. “I can live with that.”

Magnus chuckled and pressed a kiss to Alec’s hair. “I hope you can do more than that.”

“Mmm.” Alec yawned and rolled slightly, taking Magnus with him. “For now, though, I’m just going to sleep with it.”

“‘It’ being me?”

“By the angel,” Alec groaned, exasperated yet fighting a smile. “You talk too much sometimes.” Before Magnus could reply, he had captured his lips in a languorous kiss. Each one they shared felt like a discovery that Alec relished, unrehearsed and uncertain but wholehearted in the best way. The anticipation and enthusiasm of each new moment they shared was somehow so much better than any shared with Magnus’ most experienced ex-lovers.

Magnus pulled away just enough that their lips parted but their noses still touched. “I thought you wanted to sleep.”

“This is even better than my white noise machine. Having you here is…peaceful.”

“Aren’t you a romantic,” Magnus said dryly. But when Alec pulled him close again, he was helpless to resist.

Alec sighed. There was no use beating around the bush. Magnus would see through any attempts to brush it off, though Alec maintained that it wasn’t that big of a deal. They’d both seen him in a far worse state.

“There were some demons,” Alec began, perhaps unnecessarily considering that Magnus had known he was working. “We were fighting them, but well, in the thick of it I somehow managed to punch a wall?”

It came out as a question despite Alec knowing exactly how he’d managed to do it. He didn’t want to detail for Magnus that a demon had pissed him off so much that he’d gone for a punch instead of using his bow or that he’d missed when the demon had vanished on its own, reappearing a few feet away within seconds.

Magnus didn’t ask for those details anyway as he ran his finger over the bruise with a feather-light touch. It was a simple bruise, easy enough to heal. Magnus’ brow knitted together in confusion as he looked up from the bruise into Alec’s eyes.

“Why didn’t you use an iratze?”

Alec shrugged. There was no good answer.

“There was a lot going on, and it wasn’t that major. By the time the fight was over, I’d forgotten the bruise was even there. All I wanted to do was come home, so I came, and now here I am. It doesn’t hurt that much. Just a little ache whenever I flex my hand or touch something. Other than that, I forget it’s there.”

Magnus let out a gust of air, his expression a combination of worry, exasperation, and amazement that Alec didn’t know what to do with. Jace hadn’t even noticed the bruise and had likely assumed that, if Alec was hurt, he could take care of himself, which was true enough. Izzy had commented that he needed to heal it but also hadn’t put up a fuss when Alec had said he was going to Magnus’ loft with the bruise still on his hand.

He wasn’t used to anyone making such a big deal out of something as minor as a bruise. Shadowhunters were always covered in them, and it wasn’t that unusual to not bother with an iratze. At least, that’s what Alec believed.

With a slight roll of his eyes, Magnus waved his hand above Alec’s, blue sparks traveling between them. The bruise disappeared as quickly as it would have with an iratze. Alec pulled his hand from Magnus’ to give it an experimental flex, and sure enough, it felt like he’d never been bruised at all. He smiled at Magnus before pressing a quick kiss to his lips. Magnus leaned into the touch eagerly, one of his hands clutching onto the edge of Alec’s hunting gear jacket.

Alec tried to deepen the kiss, but Magnus pulled away, smiling at Alec’s pout. One of his hand’s found Alec’s formerly bruised one again, running his thumb over the knuckles.

At some point, without Alec realizing it was happening, he had become very good at reading Magnus’ facial expressions. He wouldn’t have thought it possible when they’d first met; Magnus had seemed like a locked box that Alec hadn’t had the key to back then. But somehow he had learned what he could from the outside of the box until it decided to open itself for him.

He knew what Magnus was thinking even though the warlock hadn’t said it out loud.

“I really am getting better about it,” Alec said. “Nine times out of ten, I use an iratze. This time I just forgot. I’m sorry.”

Magnus shook his head, giving Alec a small smile as his free hand came up to cup Alec’s cheek.

“You don’t need to apologize to me, Alexander. I’m only worried about you. Maybe it was just a bruise, but it was causing you pain. Please try to remember to heal yourself next time.”

Alec nodded, nuzzling into Magnus’ touch. It really was easier to remember that these days. Largely because Magnus’ sad face would loom in his mind’s eye whenever Alec was injured and hadn’t bothered with an iratze. His desire to avoid seeing that expression was usually enough, but that night, he had been too occupied with other thoughts to think of it before Magnus had seen him.

He took a step closer and laid his head on Magnus’ shoulder, allowing his eyes to flutter shut. Magnus’ arms wrapped around him, and Alec followed suit, taking in a deep breath and smiling at Magnus’ scent as it engulfed him.