#substantive thoughts

Today is a rugged day for me. I'm sitting here by the window, breathing in the aroma of the afternoon rain. My cup is half filled with lemon tea that has gone cold. There are twenty-three crumbled papers scattered on the floor, this just might be the twenty-fourth. All these are attempts to get back to the my long lost love—Writing. These papers are trials, a chance to write away the plaguing pain in my chest, but missing contrivance are debilating. The more I filled those pages, the more I knew I am not who I once was anymore. And each time I tore those papers, I felt devasted, almost pain. Like I tore pieces of me away. I miss my former self. I even tried capturing the twinge and the lacuna and the numbing, throbbing feeling of missing. But, I failed. How I wish I never left what I once relished. I don't know where to start from again, maybe because I don't know who I am anymore. Besides, I want to know myself once more. And, I guess this is the station, where I will be free to feasibly discover myself again. So here I am, starting anew, to contrive myself back. Here I am afresh, with a few of my random scribbling thoughts. Here I am, again.

~~Sana Afreen~~

I’m tired of being sad and having no clue as to why I am this way, so I’ll write about the happy bits of me. I just want to fill this world with more love and less pain, I see a butterfly and I’m easily distracted– how beauty will fly past you if you’re not even paying attention because you’re so damn sad all of the time. So I drop all signs of negativity and lean towards the positive, I am the only vibe that’ll alter my moods, so I must feel more wealthy than a million silver spoons even if I don’t have any, so I must create the art that likes to spill from my fingertips, we live such short lives– why not be the best version of yourself? Who will you be if tomorrow was your last day on this planet? Will you cry because it’s over? Or will you search the ends of the earth until you’ve found the fountain of youth? I’ve got a secret to share with you. You can be a 100 years old and still have the sweetest smile, you can be in your 20s and have a soul heavy enough to sink the titanic, life is strange, life is strange. We live our youth to buy pretty things, but live our oak days trying to make up more time– it waits for no one, the wrong turn will break you, a simple smile will turn your thoughts into poetry and a life of self-hate is a road that needs constant validation– why not be your own way out? Be your own lover, be your own brand of music, be your own kind of poem, be your own story of kindness, and if you’re not perfect just look around– nobody is. I’m tired of dreaming, I want to build it instead. You can’t be who you want to be if you’re still having the same thoughts from last year– you can’t change or heal in the right way if you’re not willing to break a few pieces of your heart because the clutter inside of our minds often match the attitude that we give off. So like a quote, so like a poem, so like a bedtime story- I’ll be happy. If I repeat it enough times, I’ll be happy. I just want to be happy. I just want to let go of the bad feelings. I just want to love myself enough to see a brighter day. You can’t change the world if you can’t even change yourself, right? If I repeat it enough times, then it must be real. I will be happy. ~~Sana Afreen~~

(1) We are all humans trying to survive.

(2) Nobody knows anybody completely, and that's okay.

(3) Don't allow the opinions of others to choose your destiny. Be like a free bird and fly, don't let yourself be in a cage that doesn't let you feel genuinely fine.

(4) Don't hold grudges. Don't allow yourself to hate anybody. Forgive them. Learn to love.

(4) Always keep a smile on your face.

(5) Be gentle, but be aggressive. Take a stand. Nobody will hear your voice if you stay silent.

(6) Stop expecting other people to act exactly as you would like them to. Instead, try being open to any and all reactions from others.

(7) Start building up your own happiness and confidence on something you do have power over: your thoughts and beliefs.

(8) Take time and write your feelings down. Never keep your feelings locked Deep Inside Your Heart and wait for for the volcano in you to erupt.

(9) People don't belong to people. We belong to nobody, nobody belong to us.

(10) Focus on the thoughts that build you up instead of the thoughts that tear you down and eat you inside.

(11) Do the best you can, improve yourself, you are growing and in this very moment you are enough.

(12) If you want to guard your heart- guard your eyes, ears and tongue.

(13) You need to fill yourself with love, not anyone else. Your happiness will not come to you, it can only cone from you.

(14) We cannot make someone listen to us or hear us if they don't want to.

(15) Do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are a true believer.

(16) It's OK to cry sometimes but always remember to leave your past where it belongs.

(17) Pray and build a close relationship with God. Tell Him everything and anything even if He doesn't respond. Most importantly, give thanks to him because He has allowed you to live one more day.

(18) Live for yourself. Live for God. Don't live for people's comment. Don't live to be a doll they can dress up and throw around. Live as only God and you yourself are the most important people that will ever be in your life. This is your life. This is it.