Frankly,most people straight women or gay men don't know what they are sincerely looking for. They want chivalry but they don't know what to do with it.

They want kindness,and dates but they aren't respectful nor do they appreciate kindness. Most dwell on pettiness and can't speak about anything other than surface shit.

I have always been drawn towards oblivion.

Sometimes i found it in cigarettes,

Sometimes in alcohol,

Sometimes in chemicals that promises transcendence and delivered amnesia.

Yet none of them compared to the rare moments when the numbness arrived uninvited,

When reality loosened its grip on my throat

Without demanding anything in return.

A strange serenity would descend upon me.

My limbs would grow heavy with exhaustion,

My mind suspended somewhere between consciousness and surrender.

For a fleeting moment,

I possessed just enough strength to feel and just enough weakness to stop resisting it.

Elation, melancholy, déjà vu, grief.

The emotions arrived together,

Indistinguishable from one another,

Until happiness itself felt like another form of mourning.

Everything became softer.

The noise receded.

The ache that lived beneath my ribs became distant enough to ignore.

Every escape is temporary.

Every borrowed heaven eventually demands repayment.

The feelings dissolves,

The illusion collapses,

And i find myself standing with exactly where i began,

Staring at the same wounds,

Carrying the same weight.

So what is the purpose of momentary salvation

If it merely returns me to my suffering?

What comfort is there is tasting paradise