#personal entries

an absolute icon rave dancing queen (co owner of club, belly dances splits twerks with a full bottle of soju balanced perfectly on her head the whole time) blew a kiss at me after seeing me admiring her from across the room then came up to me to give me a hug and kiss me on the forehead and cheeks and called me beautiful and asked me to dance with her I feel like I had been baptized like this is what life is for like WHO NEEDS MEN FR

I think people would be surprised how much I talk with Morpheus. It’s all for work, but dreams and prophecy are so intrinsically linked that we cross paths often. 

Before I was the god of prophecy, people used to see the future at night. It was called “the truth that appeared in the darkness.” When I took up the mantle, I put an end to that practice. The wild prophecy that whispered through the winds at night was harmful. Without a proper interpreter, the glimpses of the future would be misconstrued. It often caused panic, and unnecessary death. But my efforts could not fully sever the connection between the future and the darkness. 

Sometimes, I wonder if this is a sign that prophecy should never have been mine. That by slaying Python that day, I meddled with something I never should’ve touched. I try not to let it bother me. 

Anyways, while all this was happening, I relied on Morpheus a lot to find a solution. He was very much my elder at the time, and he helped me through my inexperience. Nowadays, I meet with him and his Oneiroi often, to keep track of what prophecies have slipped through into other’s dreams.

This is the first time I spoke with him about my own dreams. It brought me back to our first meetings, when I was young and looked to him for guidance. 

I met with him yesterday. I won’t lie, I was at my wit’s end. It’s been months of these fates-forsaken nightmares, and it’s starting to shake me. It’s hard to admit, but I was scared. I hoped Morpheus could at the very least bring me answers.

Morpheus was kind to me, as he always is. He’s a very stoic man, but I think that’s just due to his job. He always has this look in his eyes, like his mind has wandered far away. When I was younger, I thought it meant I was boring him, but I've since learned that’s just his default. That’s how I knew he was being attentive as I explained my dreams to him.

I tried to keep it brief. Morpheus has seen every dream in existence, so I was certain he wouldn’t need more than the cliffnotes. Falling into chaos, disintegrating into the void, strings of unintelligible prophecy, etcetera, etcetera. I was proven wrong when Morpheus informed me that he had not seen any of my recent dreams.

I’ll pause for effect, just so that can sink in. 

(If you're confused, dear nonexistent reader, that is literally impossible. So, yeah.)

Apparently, he had seen all of my dreams as a mortal, which is so embarrassing, but had seen nothing after I ascended. When I asked him what that meant, he said --

I have to write this. It terrifies me, but hiding away from it will do nothing.

He said that it’s likely that these dreams stem from Chaos itself, something way above both of our paygrades. He can’t see them because he’s simply not allowed to. Because of this, he said, there was nothing he could do to get rid of my dreams.

I tried to keep a straight face, but I’m certain Morpheus saw my horror. These dreams haunt me. I already live a nightmare every day, unable to visit Meg, terrified for my children. I thought if I could just fix this one thing--

I left. I didn’t want to know what Morpheus thought the dreams meant, or figure out how what I saw connected to prophecy. That was what we always did for everyone else’s dreams, but I don’t think I could’ve handled it. I didn’t even look at Morpheus to see what he thought. I selfishly wished he might have been concerned for me, but with the bombshell I just dropped on him he was likely just wary. A connection to chaos like this is dangerous. I won’t lie, I don’t think I could handle myself if Morpheus began to see me as a threat.

I can’t keep living like this. Is this a punishment? Have I finally angered too many people, and caused too much pain? One thing is certain, I’ll get no answers writing here.

my name is dmitry, i’m 25 y.o., and i’m a white trans man who’s really into deep space nine!

this is my science fiction blog, where i post about sci-fi, as well as 90s/00s futurism & y2k

check out:

cyber tag: things i like that have to do with tech/electronics/futurisms. mostly in the 90s-00s realm but not exclusive to it

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the visuals: cool art!

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Months ago when I was impatiently awaiting the release of the movie Crazy Rich Asians, I did not expect for the movie to affect me this much.

When I finally watched Crazy Rich Asians and the Netflix film To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, I knew that both films have done just that.

Crazy Rich Asians is a romantic comedy-drama that tells the story of Rachel, an NYU professor who accompanies her boyfriend to his best friend’s wedding in Singapore and learns that he’s the son of the richest family on the island and To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before is a teen romantic comedy that follows Lara Jean, a teen romantic who writes secret love letters to boys when she wants to get over them who then discovers her private letters have been mailed to their recipients.

Crazy Rich Asians is the first movie from a major Hollywood studio to feature a predominately Asian cast since The Joy Luck Club (1993). That’s 25 years ago. To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before features a Vietnamese-American as the lead.

If this is not a big deal, I don’t know what is.

I am a first-generation Asian American. I was born in Manhattan, New York, raised in Brooklyn for eight years, and currently reside in Queens, New York. My parents are both United States citizens who immigrated from Hong Kong and Wenzhou, China.Growing up, I never went through the challenges that my parents faced when immigrating a foreign country–assimilating into the culture, and tackling language barriers and cultural differences. My sister and I both were born into a life that my parents had to learn from scratch. My parents faced a lot of struggles and made a lot of sacrifices to enable my sister and me to have what we have today. What I did not realize was that I’d face many of my own internal identity battles when it came to how others viewed me and more importantly, how I viewed myself.

Back in middle school, high school, and college, the question “Where are you from?” was quite popular. When I reply that I was born here, in the U.S., you already know what is coming- I get a response of “No, where are your parents from?” or “No, where are you really from?” That’s when I finally understood that I wasn’t American like everyone else, I was Asian-American.

As a kid, I never thought I was seen as different. I didn’t feel alienated because I was Chinese-American. I never felt not white. However, preconceived notions continue to be made solely based on race. Even though I was born in the U.S., went to school here, work here, will others ever accept and understand that I am American? Will Asian Americans be viewed as anything but foreigners?

Despite the 150-plus-year history of Asians in the United States, when Asian Americans are included in U.S. history, we’re often presented as a model minority and are lumped together as a hardworking, passive, and successful minority. I was and am often viewed as too American to be Chinese and too Chinese to be American. This is how it feels like to be a first-generation American and an Asian-American. It’s the feeling of being able to be on both sides, feeling included, but simultaneously feeling not included.

I’m tired of having to bear derogatory, racist, and stereotypical comments just because I’m Asian. I’m tired of others associating everything I do with the fact that I’m Asian. Asians are NOT all the same. If someone is Asian, don’t automatically assume they are Chinese. I’m not a doctor or a lawyer. I’m a fantastic driver, thank you very much (and even if I’m a bad driver, it’s not because I’m Asian. It’s because I’m a bad driver). Don’t call me or my food exotic. I’m a human being just like everyone else. I am me and just want to be me for me–I’m not my ethnicity, race, or skin color.

As a child, I didn’t get to see myself in TV shows, movies, or stories. There wasn’t anyone like me on the screens. With the release of Crazy Rich Asians and To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, we saw two protagonists that happen to be Asian American.This shouldn’t be a big deal like this in 2018, but it is. Female protagonists of color are still rare in Hollywood.

In April 2016, I tweeted “America is still deciding what to think and do with Asians beyond offering comic relief in stereotypical roles” when Scarlett Johansson was casted as Major Motoko Kusanagi in the film adaptation of the Ghost in the Shell manga. The excuse is that there aren’t big enough Asian/Asian-American names to choose from. Well, without a conscientious effort, how will anyone ever break through and become familiar enough with the audiences to allow producers to confidently cast them to be a lead in a film?

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before is a film adaptation of Jenny Han’s book. Jenny Han turned down many film offers because some studios wanted the female protagonist to be played by a white actress. It’s important that Crazy Rich Asians and To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before do well because we need to show Hollywood that movies with Asian leads are an option, too. We want this to start a domino effect whereby more diverse stories can and will be told.

In no way are these two films made to represent ALL Asians and all experiences, but it’s a beginning that will hopefully shift Hollywood executives’ thinking and affect their behaviors of funding more works from diverse voices.

Crazy Rich Asians had many moments that spoke directly to me. Not only that but Crazy Rich Asians proves Asian American representation can be successful too. The film opened on Wednesday, August 15th. The film made $35.3 million from Wednesday to Sunday and another $26.5 million for the second weekend (this weekend)–a current grand total of $76.8 million!

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before is a teen rom-com I wish I had when I was in high school. In an opinion editorial, Jenny Han writes “What would it have meant for me back then to see a girl who looked like me star in a movie? Not as the sidekick or romantic interest, but as the lead? Not just once, but again and again? Everything. There is power in seeing a face that looks like yours do something, be someone. There is power in moving from the sidelines to the center…Because when you see someone who looks like you, it reveals what is possible. It’s not just maybe I could be an actress. It’s maybe I could be an astronaut, a fighter, a president. A writer. This is why it matters who is visible. It matters a lot. And for the girls of 2018, I want more. I want the whole world.” Read Jenny’s piece here.

Watch these two films. Show up. Be curious for people different than you…that’s when inclusion begins.

Be an ally. Recognize your privilege (you can be privileged without feeling privileged), own your experiences, listen more, have uncomfortable conversations, help yourself understand, consistently learn and unlearn, and be proactive in taking responsibility for changing these patterns.

We still have a long way to go but seeing the films Crazy Rich Asians and To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before doing well is a step in the right direction.