#sublevel

20+ years of sexual abuse, mental and emotional abuse, groomed by so many fucking men from 4 years old. ive done the math hundreds of times. ive been r*ped a MINIMUM of over a thousand times. what does that do to a person? does that happen to a person? am I a person? I can't be. if I was, I would have deserved better. someone would have saved me, right? someone would have cared if I had mattered. but I didn't. I don't. who could believe ive been r*ped over a thousand times? that sounds like obvious hyperbole. but my body count was over 400 before I was 6 years old. and that's tallying just what I remember modestly. who can fathom that. who can wrap their head around that? no one wants to. no one wants to hear about humans being capable of that. of doing that. to a child. and then to an adult, knowing what I went through as a child. grooming upon grooming upon grooming. my brain physically developed to be ready 24/7 to be r*ped because that was my fucking life reality for two decades. its literally all I know. I never leave the house without thinking about it. preparing for it. ive never known anything else. ive known no other way of surviving than at the mercy of predatory men. what do I do from here? where do I go? tell me what to think because im always wrong, im always unlearning, im always cutting out parts of me that other people grew for their profit. can I be a human? can I be a person? do I deserve it? yet? ever?