#stubby

I cannot put into words how much I am struggling. I've never in my life connected well with people. I have a few friends (none I'd consider close other than my boyfriend ofc), I don't speak to my family. Animals and nature have always been my thing. They're who I connect with the deepest. Stubby was everything to me. He was my best friend. I've never done well with loss. When I was 18 my 25 year old abusive boyfriend shot himself in my driveway. Death has always scared me but everything was different after that; I was traumatized. I could never forget, to an obsessive extent (I also am diagnosed with OCD, so), that anybody can die at any time. I am terrified of losing the few peoole I have around me. Stubby being diagnosed with heart disease a year and a half ago petrified me. It was the worst thing they could tell someone like me. "His heart can just stop at any moment. There will likely be no signs up until the moment it starts failing. You can count his resting breaths (which I did, I have a note of them on my phone), you can make sure his life is as stress free as possible (he was SO loved and SO well taken care of, I have absolutely no regrets about that. I did everything for him I could have possibly done), but no matter what, it's going to happen when you don't expect it." And ever since they told me that, I have just been in a constant state of fear. When I'm at work or visiting my bf in California, I would constantly be asking my mom for updates and pictures. EVERY time I left the house I would kneel down and I would look him in the eyes and told him I love him so much and thank you for all of the years he's given me, just to make sure my last words to him were what I wanted them to be. When he was sleeping I would stop whatever I was doing for a second to make sure he was breathing. I can't explain how terrified I've been of this happening for so long. It's like I felt as though as long as my eyes were constantly on him and I never looked away, I could somehow keep it under my control, I believe this is mainly because of my ex's suicide. I was asleep when it happened with my ex, I convinced myself if I had only been awake it wouldn't have happened. I've started fights with ex's all because of this, just needing to know they got home okay, needing to know they aren't dead if they've taken too long to answer. I can't handle death. I can't handle loss. I never got therapy after that happened. I'm not saying I wouldn't still be gutted if I had or if that hadn't happened, but I know it makes it worse. This feels like my worst nightmare. Another life that I couldn't simply WILL to keep going. Another heart I couldn't simply WILL to keep beating. And one that I loved way more than my horrible abusive ex, one that has been with me since I was a child, one that gave me the comfort and love and support I did not ever receive as a child or growing up. This is extremely hard for me. I am having horrible thoughts. I do not know how to move on from this in a healthy way.