#stuart shanker

Stuart Shanker:

“You get these behavioral patterns developing of how a child deals with stress. By around the age of two, those are starting to get entrenched.

The terms we use to describe their temperament when they’re two, there’s a high likelihood we use the same terms when they’re six, ten, etc.

But these are fundamentally ways of dealing with stress. (…)

Kids that would be identified as “bad babies” had low vagal tone, “good babies” had high vagal tone. What does that mean in English?

The sympathetic system burns energy. The parasympathetic system recovers, restores energy, repairs.

Every time an infant has a stress, it triggers the sympathetic nervous system. Now the parasympathetic has to recover, restore. 

If the infant’s stress load is too great, the parasympathetic nervous system loses its elasticity, its capacity to bounce back. (…) 

If you dramatically reduce the physical stressors in the environment of premature babies — turn off the light, get rid of all the alarms, speak quietly, etc. — what you find is that these babies were burning way too much energy trying to cope with all the stressors.

The baby now has more energy for growth, metabolism. So you cut the hospital stay in half. Babies grow better, faster, are healthier.

Temperament is really a reflection of how much stress that kid’s been under and how they deal with that stress.

Why do we say that temperament is something that could in principle be changed? 

Through the five steps of self-regulation, we’re trying to give the child the tools for managing their own stress in a constructive, growth way. (…)

When I was a child, I would shy away from social interaction when I was overstressed.

Today, when I am really calm and in a rounded state, I love social interaction, I like a party or a crowded restaurant, I get a certain kind of energy from it.

But when I’m overstressed, I can’t handle it, I’ll run away from the party.

What we want with kids is deepen their understanding of these temperamental traits, so that they can recognize that it’s not the time for them to go to a crowded restaurant.”

@autisticrevolution posted something from a someone talking about the burdens of having an autistic sibling. I’m autistic, with two autistic kids, and I also have a background in child development and parenting. I taught my son how to control his overwhelming emotions when he tantrums. 3 was a difficult age, and we got through it, and he now regulates his emotions better than a lot of NT children. We are getting there with my daughter, who is 4 and still throws tantrums, though not in public. I had to use different techniques with both of them. The problem I see so many parents take with autism is they work so hard to control their child and bend their child to their will, and that doesn’t work (it doesn’t work with NT children either, but my son and I both have a strong core of “you can’t make me!” that is definitely autistic). Teaching your child to control their own behavior is a game changer, and the younger this is done the easier it is. It also takes a lot of effort when they are young but pays off when they get older because you don’t have to do it for them anymore. Greenspan focuses a lot of this. Stuart Shanker’s Self-Reg, while not specifically for autism, is also a great approach and includes ADHD, sensory issues, and just regular NT issues.

I get so frustrated with these characterizations of how difficult autistic people are, though. For one, it’s not my experience. The most exhausting part of my day is emails or when I have to make a phone call. My 7 year old is at an age where he is a lot of fun, my 4 year old is growing out of the terrible 3s (3 is the worse age, NT or autistic in my mind) and I love seeing how she’s growing. Yeah, they wear me out because I’m not a very social person and I need a lot of quiet time, but I’d have that problem regardless of whether or not my kids are autistic.

How this perception affects me is when I try to find activities for my son, who does want to play with other kids even if he can’t always figure out how. Next week we’re going to a condo my husband’s family has. They have organized activities for kids there and my husband loved them growing up and wants to see about letting my son join in. While we’re sure he’d have fun and behave, we’re never sure what reaction we will be greeted with when we say “B is autistic and he doesn’t talk much, but he loves to play and follows directions well.” Will there be a look of horror? Will they refuse to let him join the group? Will they insist my husband or I come with just in case something happens?

And then if the other kids are mean to him, will they have someone trained in helping NT kids learn how to interact with kids who are a bit different (they have some excellent programs for it)? OK, long shot but I can dream.

Seldom when I see people vent about their autistic relative do I see them asking, “what can I do different to help?” Seldom do I see someone willing to try something that is paradigm shifting (when I do see it, I admire those people for their willingness to do something radically different. And it is exciting to watch how it pays off for them). When I’m frustrated with my kids I have to keep in mind that while I can share my point of view, neither of them can. And while it is frustrating that I can’t always understand them, it’s more frustrating for them that they can’t communicate and make themselves understood.