Radical Transparency - from Psychology Today magazine
Radical Transparency is a way of relating to your partner in which you reveal your inner self, your internal experiences, when youâre talking with each other about personal matters or conflicts. That means exposing your vulnerabilities, fears, as well as your desires and points of view about whatever issues youâre discussing.
Research about relationships that thrive for the long run, as well as new knowledge about positive development in general, underscore that Radical Transparency is a conduit for sustaining intimacy and connection for the long run. Or, for restoring and rebuilding it when itâs broken down.
Radical Transparency has two parts: One is being open and revealing about yourself to your partner. It includes letting go of inhibitions or defensive feelings you might be harboring about what you havenât revealed; but also, acknowledging your reluctance to do so. The flip side is being open and receptive to your partnerâs reality: his or her feelings, wishes, desires, fears and differences from yourself. It means openly encouraging your partner to express them to you.
Mounting research supports the value of Radical Transparency, including studies that find that people who are truthful about themselves experience more relationship intimacy and wellbeing; better romantic relationships. Also, people who have close relationships use more positive than negative words when communicating. Overall, studies find that positive connection and intimacy grow from being transparent about whatâs inside of you, but not from making negative judgments about your partner and focusing on them in your communication.
Radical transparency can be painful; perhaps relationship-threatening. But itâs more likely to open the door to strengthening the foundation of your relationship. People whoâve reflected on lessons from divorce often discover that in retrospect, according to a new study. Research also confirms that transparency in your intimate relationships has wide-ranging, long-term impact on your physical and mental health.
Sadly, so many couples report feeling alone within their relationship. That often reflects the consequence of barriers theyâve erected, blocking transparency about their emotions, thoughts, needs or experiences. For example, one couple described living, essentially, separate lives over their decade together. They had pursued their careers and personal interests, which they enjoyed. But they also kept more and more of their inner lives private. This gradually created a distant and strained relationship. Like many, they assumed that this was part of ânormalâ relationships. But it kills intimacy, and itâs also unhealthy.
Some Steps Towards Radical Transparency
Start by revealing one thing about yourselfâyour inner lifeâto each other. Make it something you havenât expressed before. It might involve some fears, aspirations, desires, thoughtsâabout anything.
Tell each other what you really want to be living and working for, or towards, as you continue through lifeâwithout judging what each of you reveal. Just receive it as new information about your partner.
Describe to each other what your sense of purpose in life is, at this point. Why you think youâre here, on this planet, at this moment in time; and what that means to you.
Reveal how you experience your work and career at this point, and why you continue to do it. Explain to each other why it does or doesnât feel in synch with your true self, your capacities, your values, your vision of life. Keep in mind that research finds that an enjoyable career has positive benefits for a relationship.
Those are a few steps. But in whatever ways you practice Radical Transparency youâre saying, in essence, âThis is me. This is who I am.â Itâs about showing your whole person: Your fears, desires, needs, hopes, and experience of life. Your desire to know your partner and be known in return âemotionally, spiritually, sexually. That doesnât mean that you and your partner are always on the same plane. But with Radical Transparency the two of you can face and learn to deal with where youâre not; and strengthen your intimacy around the areas where you are aligned.
