#stresed

Even my therapist laughed at me when i told him i had a new job. He took his list of things for me to overcome and threw it away. Not out of spite of course, but because I’d ruined his plans to make small steps toward a better life and gone full blown into uncertainty. It wasn’t what I had planned for either. I only applied for the job because i was bored! Then it just kind of snowballed and now I’ve landed myself right in it.  Its a good thing obviously to most people, but for me its a huge test for my anxiety. I currently work in a detention centre, so as you can imagine, locked doors, keys and fobs to get around the building are the norm. Not ideal for someone who needs to get outside and near her car when in full blown panic. My new job is with the same company but in a bigger centre which of course means more doors and more keys. I’m scared shitless. What if it takes me ages to get from my desk to my car? What if I panic in front of everyone? what are they all going to think of me? what if im sick everywhere? what if i can NEVER get out? what if my panic attack NEVER stops? what if i NEVER stop throwing up and start shitting myself?

Literally so many questions, worries and fears in my brain just niggling away, stronger and stronger until I have my first day. Its exhausting. 

im so fucking tired and so behind on work and i hate uni but also love it and have a full on love hate relationship with all of my courses (i should probably seek help this isnt healthy and likely qualifies as a toxic relationship) and ahhhhhhhhh help why is life.

thats it. thats my first contribution to this blog.