#streamofconscious

“I am your sun. The center of your solar system. The nucleus of your galaxy. The essence of your universe. I shine because I am your world, And you are mine.” —AuBree Binta

My head is in such a strange place.  Lately, memories surrounding my sister’s death - memories that had been suppressed - started resurfacing.  After last week’s surgery, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands to think about things.  Thinking often ruins the illusion. 

I have this vivid memory that’s on my mind 24/7 and I can’t seem to escape it.  It is the memory of the day of my sister’s funeral, while people were gathering inside our living room, I escaped to the bedroom I shared with my sister.  I remember being on her bed, my back against the cold wall thinking about the last conversation we had.  Her fiance, Wayne, came into the room and sat beside me, wrapping his arms around me telling me that things were going to be okay and I fell asleep for the first time in days.  When I woke up, he was still there holding me but crying too and I’ll never forget the moment of looking up into his face and seeing a man in emotional pain for the first time in my young life.  This was the last time that I would see Wayne, he called once after that but he’s been gone ever since.

It’s so stupid but a part of me thinks that the reason why I am good at SEO and keyword research is because I’ve tried every possible string of words, of location specific targeted keywords, long-tail keywords on Google and search partners in hopes that I will find Wayne.  I realise that he has moved on with his life and it has never been my intention to reconnect with him, I just have this urgency to know that he’s doing well in life.

I’ve learned that getting better is a continuous project, and I’m trying to learn to accept this. However, I’m struggling to understand how you know you are better.I feel like I’m doubting myself even more as I learn how to get where I want to be. I know what makes writing good, I’ve read good writers, talked to good teachers, and received feedback from friends and mentors.I’ve hit all the marks…

Phew. Why does it feel like a decade has gone by? Stuff has been happening. Some serious stuff, some crazy stuff, but I remain ever hopeful. Hope is the thing with feathers. – Emily Dickinson. I remain hopeful because I am hope, and you can be as well. Being someone who loves words, I use them often, but I also know they can come with inaction. You don’t need to know the right thing to say.…

I keep trying to find reasons to keep going. They’re wispy and light and fall from my grasp like fog rising at night. How do you know when it’s time to quit? I keep hoping a big sign will fall from the sky and tell me that I’m fine… that I’m going in the right direction. But all the signs I keep seeing are rundown and the letters are mostly gone, leaving behind patches of halfwords like, tur…

I’ve sat down to write a post about change numerous times now. Each piece different from the last because I can’t seem to get it right the first time. That feels a little on the nose. I wanted to allude to change as a metamorphosis, but that doesn’t feel quite right. Because a caterpillar in a chrysalis sits and lets change happen for a bigger transformation. Sometimes change is forced on you…

The cool days are gone and the humid ones are back from the trenches. I’m not a fan of this time of year. I hate the heat. Have I said this enough here? My dogs don’t like it either. As soon as I open the door, one of my dogs scurries back onto the couch and hides behind blankets so I won’t take her with me. I don’t want to go out there either, little dog, but you and I need to get out of this…