#stolag

i was going to include the tag "squilf really do b out here committing murders" but (a) it's only one and (b) it felt unnecessarily spoiler heavy

it is Deliberately Ambiguous who the second parent of squilf's kits is.

but i do have an answer

god i just. squilf. bb. there's

something terrible about wanting change: change that would be Good for your society

but then your ticket to it tries to kill your father

and then you kill him

and now it's like...well, change didn't work

i also just like that squirrelflight's reationship to starclan is so ambiguous

oh! you have No idea how many times i made myself cry. tears were frequent. top hits:

lostface and squirrelflight's conversation at the lake

squirrelflight and firestar after she kills hawkfrost

the final scene

anyway i need to go to bed but like. i just. i've been thinking a lot about what it means to be Thunderclan and you know. ironically, i didn't really explore anything i meant to with mothwing.

i ended up telling a very personal story about relationships and loss, not anything like what i meant to. which sort of left a hole because like. jay and alder's pieces aren't going to work as well, i don't think, without what moth's piece was going to cover.

so i have all of these ideas that are bouncing around in my head. about thunderclan and what it means, about who hawkfrost is in this au, and i sit down to write "for moments that we stole" and it's. it's supposed to be about the three times squirrelflight loses someone. and it is, it still is, but.

see, there's a big hole in the stolag au that i wasn't going to fill, not until i finished "it's been promised to another" and realized that i needed a squilf piece to finish the arc. and then moth's piece. well. anyway i digress; i haven't covered what it's like to be left.

which is an idea that i'm a big fan of.

and i made a joke about how thunderclan keeps giving away medicine cats. i still haven't decided if i'm going to keep willowpelt alive, but frostfur's litter is still there.

and like. hnnng squilf said, "i see ur outline and say fuck you"

which like. it's been Ages since she's done that to me. but you know i'm not complaining.

because i also have a chance to finally dig my fingers into what makes thunderclan thunderclan. i've done that for riverclan and windclan, and i've outlined the edges for shadowclan (and i'm determined to find something in shadowclan to write an au about so that i can finally explore some of those ideas), but thunderclan just. is.

and i'm, of course, disatisfied with that. i don't want that. and i was Supposed to do this with mothwing, my outline says stuff about that, but. i didn't. as one does.

so it's very. it's very fun for me. i've gotten to explore beauty standards, and this passage which j'adore.

But he looked alive again. The wind was good for him. Maybe he needed it; maybe WindClan needed wind like prey needs water.

Feathertail and Stormfur looked different, too. She had her mouth open, tasting the air, her tail held as high as a kit's, and Stormfur was hiding it, but he was happy, too.

Maybe they needed this; maybe RiverClan needed water like plants need sun.

Tawnypelt was still injured, but she barely let it show. She didn't wince when the salt must have sprayed in her wound, and even though Squirrelpaw knew she was leaning on Brambleclaw, she made it look subtle. Maybe she needed it; maybe ShadowClan needed strength like trees need roots.

Brambleclaw was focused, his head set forward. He didn't waver to watch the water or close his eyes and let the wind rush through his pelt. Squirrelpaw knew he needed this; ThunderClan needs duty like kits need mothers.

(obligatory pre-edits)

and like. hnng thunderclan. i have so many thoughts.

there's stuff that i. there's a passage right after this that's 100% more spoilers than i will give on this, even tho like. i don't think it's actually spoiling anything. but it's a very important character moment.

anyway so then i get to the lake and. and hawkfrost's name is not in my outline. but i'm working on this scene, just when squilf gets her warrior name, and we get to this point

She could see his resemblance to Brambleclaw, but everything was sharper. Like she had only seen Brambleclaw from the edges of her vision, and now she was finally seeing him in focus.

which is just. very happy with that.

and ig what i'm saying is it's very ironic bc it's been Ages since a piece has gone off the rails this much. like i might have to check iaffl for continuity, and then like. and then edit that.