#step-dads

also me when an Adult Male is within an 100 meter radius:

This just happened to me and I wanted to share it because the outcome was amazing!

While at the bank, I was talking to the gentleman behind the counter, Justin. I have been waited on by Justin several times in the past but this day was the first time we really had a conversation outside of bank business. He asked me if I had done a commercial for Cisco Systems recently, which I replied yes. He congratulated me and then proceeded to tell me how he always wanted to be an actor but gave it up 12 years ago when he  got married and had a baby. I was interested in what he said next and this is the reason for this particular blog today.

He said that he thought about going back to acting several times, but when his second child came that is when his dream became more distant. So, for his family, he decided to get a job as a banker. That was 9 years ago.

**Before I go any further I want you to really understand how precious life is and how quickly it flies by**

Then I asked him why he didn't try and pick acting back up. I could clearly see how passionate he was about it from the tone of his voice and the way he lit up talking about the past. He then proceeded to list around 15 different excuses on why he couldn't go back and out of those 15 excuses, only one was a legitimate reason (kind of).

#5 My wife would definitely not agree with me going back to acting because my current job is stable and provides benefits. She would absolutely hate it if I brought it up.

I of course agreed with Justin, I mean having the support of your loved ones is very important. I asked him if his wife got upset when he mentioned giving acting another try. He smiled and shook his head and said "Oh, no no no I would never actually bring that subject up to her. There is no chance she would ever go for it." "Wait" I said. " You have never actually mentioned this to her?" He explained to me that over the years he brought it up in passing, but it's usually treated like a running joke.

You see, Justin does not see his family as his rock he sees them as his excuse not to chase his dreams. He is using them as a shield to block out his passion and then assumes that his family would resent him if he ever mentioned it. I could definitely understand where Justin was coming from and when I first got into acting my family treated my decision like it was the worst thing in the world. Then I re-met my current wife, took on the responsibility of her five kids, and in a lot of peoples eyes, complicated the shit out of my acting dream. My wife knew what I did for a living and instead of resenting me for it, she gave me her full support and so did my kids. That love, that support, that belief, has allowed me to not only chase this dream but to do it with a full heart. But all of that was only possible because I shared my passion with my wife and explained to her why I was doing it. I was honest with her about not wanting to give up; and to be honest, over the years I actually quit acting twice but my wife brought me back.

This is the information I shared with Justin. I explained to him that is was time to see his family as the reason to chase his dream not the excuse to stay away.  You could see his wheels turning! "I'm going to bring it up to her" he said. I gave him my personal cell phone number and asked him to keep me in the loop. Two days later I received a text from Justin that simply said -She's in-. Today at the bank I asked him how everything was going and he replied, Great! He had signed up for a few acting classes and is getting his mojo back for the business. He is not sure when he will completely walk away from his full time job but is excited to know that his dream is alive and well.........

Your family is your rock. Your family is your drive. Your family is your heart..... They are not your excuse.......... Stay Focused

Balance. That’s what we all need. What most seek, and some argue against.

Not just work life balance. I mean BEING and DOING balance. Balance between making it happen and letting it happen.

Some argue you must work hard and take action to achieve anything in life, and they are right in a way. Action is needed and hard work does have its place if you wish to succeed in accomplishing things in this world, however the sacrifice should never be you LIFE.

Your life quality. Your presence. Your happiness.

Overworking leads to anxieties and stress, which usually leads to poor decision making.

Quality work is achieved when you are present, when you love what you do. You can still work hard, but your hard work should come from a state of wanting to do the work, not from having to do it because you have so much on your plate.

Each action you perform should be conscious and present. If you have too much on your plate, and are always thinking about another task while performing the current one, nothing is going to be done to the best of your ability.

It is far better to complete 1 job fully, complete and perfectly than 100 unfinished and incomplete.

In every moment we should ask ourselves what is really important?

What is really important today?

Is it necessary I rush out of the house to get to work? 
Must I be in the office in my head, while my kids are talking to me, unconsciously ignoring them completely. What if I lost my loved ones today, can I honestly say I was committed and present to those that really mattered to me?

One of the most powerful principles in maintaining life perspective is to start the day picturing yourself at your own funeral. Ask yourself, if I died today – did I live what truly mattered every day. Did I live how I wanted to live? Or was I, like most, just obsessed with getting things done.

Can I do better, starting right now?

Picturing yourself at your funeral is powerful because it helps you to understand that material things, and chasing the big dollars isn’t really that important. You can’t take money with you, you can’t take fancy cars with you, and your loved ones will never care about what you did in the office. They will only care about who you were and how you made them feel.

This doesn’t mean you go quit your job and live in a cave with your family

You can still thrive in business and you can still make huge sums of money

The point here is to always be mindful of what is the most important in your life

There will always be things that need to get done and always things that remain undone. They are not more important than your happiness NOW. They are not more important than THIS MOMENT. They are not more important than those you love. Just ask anyone that has lost a loved one suddenly.

Don’t wait till it’s too late to start living. Don’t wait till it’s too late to understand what’s really important in your life. Don’t wait until it’s too late to be happy!

Be lighthearted. Be joyful. Don’t take life too seriously. It is meant to be enjoyed, no matter what you are doing .

For many life has become a competition of being better or having more than the neighbors. Keeping up with the joneses is how the majority of the western world lives. If we have less, materially speaking, we feel like less of a human. If we have more our egos explode. This is not what life is about people! If you are chasing THINGS you will never be happy, and always be chasing. Then you will die, and no one will care, because your soul died long ago. There is nothing wrong with money, or being extremely wealthy. Money is great when placed in the right hands. There are so many great people on earth, who do great things with their wealth. We are talking here about those who are obsessed with money, obsessed with material things and being better than their friends, and neighbors. We are talking about those who measure ones success by ones possessions.

If you think money is the most important thing on earth, try counting your money while holding your breath…

Money is not the answer. LIVING fully now is the answer.

LOVE is the answer.

KINDNESS is the answer.

COMPASSION is the answer.

HAPPINESS is the answer!

What does it mean to ‘Change the Narrative’? One definition I’ve read says, “Changing the narrative is synonymous with changing the story. This means either something has happened that changes things or you are making something happen that changes things. Or, you are choosing to focus on something else that happened which changes the story/narrative.”

Although this definition is good, I still want a more simplistic way of looking at this. So, I’ve decided to look at the movie Jaws. The movie Jaws is a story about an insatiable man-eating shark. All the stories about insatiable, man-eating sharks add up to a broader narrative of sharks being dangerous and predatory creatures. The narrative and stories about sharks rest on powerful deep narratives about the human relationship to nature and a fear of the unknown.

Basically what this means is that our FEAR can be directly linked to our first introduction and mental images of the narrative we’ve been conditioned to believe as true.

This was so interesting to me, especially when I really took a moment and thought about why I can’t stand the ocean. (And why my biggest fear is being eaten alive by a shark.) This fear is largely based off of my untrue, and yet self-created understanding of sharks from the first movie (narrative) in my head.

In order to change the perspective, you have to change the narrative.

Sure, you get the point with Jaws. But what about family dynamics? When I think back and remember the first time I was introduced to the phrase ‘stepparent,’ I remember the quote “NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!” I remember watching that movie as a kid and thinking to myself, man, stepparents must all be evil people who only want to deliver pain and suffering.

I kept that mental image throughout my childhood and into my teen years. Any time I referred to the phrase ‘stepparent,’ I immediately and unconsciously labeled them in my head as evil or scary.

“When you begin to change the way you look at things; the things you look at change.” — Wayne Dyer

In a way, I am grateful for the narrative I had growing up because it prepared me for my future. I knew that becoming a stepparent was not going to be an easy road, but I was optimistic.

I assumed that because I was marrying one of my childhood friends it was going to be a walk in the park. But I learned, very quickly, that my wife, her mom and dad, the grandparents and a few of her friends all shared the exact same narrative towards stepparents that I had. To make matters worse, my wife’s mother and my wife’s grandmother were both abused and molested as kids, so you can image how closely they watched my every move until they saw how invested I was in building a strong family dynamic.

Today, I find myself fighting for a progressive narrative change, as it pertains to the way society values stepparents from all walks of life.

As a stepparent, I don’t want to be compared, labeled, or seen as anything else other than someone who stepped up and committed to the journey.

I have worked my ass off over the past ten years to build the perfect amount of trust within my family, but I was only successful because I chose to approach this journey differently. I had to challenge the status quo and change the way I valued myself and my worth within the family. Once I did that, my entire world changed for the better.

I was finally able to narrow my focus and build a strong foundation for the future. The best part was that I finally altered my personal narrative towards being a stepparent and never looked back.

The steps I took required patience, discipline, and most of all compassion:

First I worked on myself.

Then I worked on my relationship.

Then I focused on the kids.

It took years of trial and error before I was able to create this method of positive family growth. The trick, honestly, is balance. And reminding yourself that what you’ve been conditioned to believe doesn’t have to be (and isn’t always) the truth. 

My reason and purpose for being a stepparent is to cultivate a power family dynamic centered around trust that will withstand the test of time.

When I made the decision to become a stepparent 10 years ago, a common phrase I heard repeatedly was, “You are a better man than I am.” I took that statement literally and at face value. I just naturally assumed that they were all referring to the fact that because I was accepting responsibility for five kids that were not biologically mine, that they couldn’t or wouldn’t ever do it.

Fair enough. I mean, there are not a lot of men that I know, in their 30’s and single, who would drop everything they are doing right now and fully commit to parenthood. And that’s completely understandable.

However, as time passed, I began to realize that embedded deep inside that statement, were life lessons and values that I needed to learn if I ever hoped to succeed at being a stepparent.

Sometimes being a stepparent feels like a never-ending battle that you’re (sometimes) fighting alone.

Stepparents always have to try harder. We over stress about things we can’t control. We tend to walk on eggshells to avoid awkward situations and scenarios. We all hold things in when we shouldn’t. We don’t enjoy ruffling feathers or causing problems of any kind. We tend to “go with the flow” to avoid unnecessary arguments. We sometimes feel afraid to confront or suggest things in fear of actions or reactions.

We all feel like it takes longer to secure our place in the family due to outside interference and distractions (Ex: bio parent, other stepparents, step-grandparents, bonus aunts, uncles and cousins) as people often assume we are living with one foot out the door.

We all walk around, either consciously or unconsciously, with the feeling that people view us only by the social labels associated with being a stepparent or by the people we were in the past.

It has been 10 years since I committed to my family and I went through almost everything listed above. And honestly, sometimes it doesn’t feel any easier.

As a stepparent, I’ve walked on eggshells:

My mother-in-law and her mother (grandma) were treated horribly by several step-fathers in their lives. So, even though I’ve known both of them for almost my entire life, that did not change the way they looked at me when it came to being the “new” dad in the house.

For the first 5 years, I had to constantly hold back my ideas, thoughts, feelings, and actions when I was around them, in fear of their reactions. It did not matter what I did as a stepparent, their perspective would never change until my wife and I took control of the situation and showed them they had nothing to worry about.

As a stepparent, I’ve overexerted myself trying to be ‘perfect’:

My kids lost their bio dad to a heart attack when he was only 37. He was a hard worker, owned two successful companies, and was an all-around great Dad. Those are not easy shoes to fill, nor did I try to fill his shoes in any way.

I instinctively knew that if I wanted to succeed, I would have to do things my way, instead of trying to compete with his legacy. The amount of effort I put into the family, on a daily basis, can be measured by the amount of love and trust we have for one another.

As a stepparent, I’ve had to battle stereotypes and labels:

One of the biggest obstacles I faced as a new parent/stepparent was the perception people had of me as a MAN.

When I entered my family ten years ago, I was 31 years old, just starting out as an actor, and my only means of income was checks I received from the military. How was I going to stack up against a dentist that built two successful practices that translated into real financial stability?

The very first time I was introduced to his (bio dad’s) side of the family was a day I will never forget. Let me paint you a picture: Chris (bio dad) was a caucasian, blue-colored businessman, who was raised in the church. I was a retired Army Vet, who transitioned into the entertainment industry at an age where most men my age are building their careers. I was covered with tattoos and at the time I had my ears pierced, so naturally, I felt like I was being judged at every turn.

For several years I received nothing but anger and hate from his side of the family because they all felt like I was not there for the right reasons. It wasn’t until I started to find real success as an actor, that they changed their tone about me as a man and as a father.

What I learned years later was that the anger and hate was a mixture of pain and loss on their side and concern about the kind of father and husband I was going to turn out to be. They didn’t care about my tattoos, the car I drove, the career path I chose, or my Hispanic heritage. All of those reasons were self-inflicted judgments on my part.

All of this has taught me that when people say, “You’re a better man than me for being a stepparent,” they were really referring to all of the obstacles I would eventually face along my journey.

In many ways, being a stepparent is similar to that of a superhero. Think about it for a moment: We go where no man/woman dares to go. We fight evil and negativity almost every day of our lives in the hopes that one day there will be peace and happiness. We do little things for other people, sometimes with little or no appreciation.

But we go through all of it because as stepparents, we share a common goal and dream: to cultivate a power family dynamic, centered around trust, that will withstand the test of time.

If I had known then what I know now, I am not sure I would have jumped into the pool with both feet. Maybe I would have chosen the path of least resistance. Maybe I would have listened to my friends and family and walked away when they told me to.

But, as it turns out, my purpose on earth was to be a stepparent and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

As parents, we all tend to get overwhelmed by the rigor of life in one way or another. We get caught up and neglect the good, simple moments. We forget to choose gratitude. Instead, we worry and stress about our jobs, we begin to seriously doubt our self-worth, we second guess every action and decision, and we fail to cultivate and maintain the positive relationships in our lives that truly matter.

In short, we are losing precious time that we can never get back.

I am a father of five kids and it’s safe to say that my house can get loud and out of control at times. Yesterday, I found myself annoyed and frustrated because my older kids were screaming and yelling. I wanted to watch my show, and all my son wanted me to do was sit there and watch him play video games all day.

Who’s got time for that?

All I wanted to do was sit there and enjoy some peace and quiet and instead I had NO peace and TONS of loudness.

Put yourself in my shoes for a moment. Maybe you don’t have five kids, maybe you only have one or two. You understand why I was frustrated right? All I wanted was some peace and quiet so I could hear myself think. So yes, I was upset for a few moments, and then I realized something very profound.

“I will never be able to get this time back will I?”

Let’s look at the facts. My oldest daughter is headed off to college soon, my other daughters are growing up way too fast, so playtime with dad won’t last much longer, and my son is getting to that age where soon, Dad will no longer be the center of his world.

What will I miss by focusing on the negatives rather than what this situation could be?

So in that moment, I took a deep breath, scanned the room, and closed my eyes for a few seconds to express my gratitude instead of focusing on my attitude. I opened my eyes and all of the feelings of anger and frustration were replaced with smiles and laughter.

“You can always pause a movie, but you can’t ever pause life.”

After that deep breath, I was in Dad heaven and I never wanted to leave. I talked with my oldest daughter Brinley about boys. I got a huge hug from my daughter, Emma, which never happens. I played piano with my daughter Clara. I snuggled with my daughter, Aften, and yes, I even sat in front of the TV and watched my son play video games for about an hour. Then, to top the night off, I was able to spend quality time with my wife, free of distractions.

Everything changed the moment I chose gratitude over attitude.