How to talk to people who want company, but not necessarily your company
These are the people who treat you like their entertainer; they come to you when they want social interactions because they know you can set them up and facillitate them. They might enjoy your company, but its not so much you as it is company in general. Dont want to spend one-on-one time with you, or get too deep into their feelings.
Before meeting with them, take the time to remind yourself you are not responsible for their enjoyment. Often it may feel like you have to facillitate their social interactions (because you are!) and you may be constantly gauging their interest and trying to raise it. This can make you feel tired (doing work even on your social time) and bored (nobody caring about YOUR social needs).
Remind yourself that you are not a bad friend for ignoring them sometimes. You have your own social needs and cannot see to anyone else's if your own are not being fulfilled.
Include them in the conversation, but always give them an out. Ask them open ended questions but be prepared to shift the conversation back away if they clam up. Ex. X, dont you also love dogs? *Yes.* See? Dogs are universally loved.
Dont take their disinterest as a reflection on you. Theyre having a good time! If they werent, they would leave. Its horrible to say, but if theyre dettached from the conversation its because they dont care about the conversation.
You can rope them into conversation (if you feel the need to), but not too often. Every 10min or so. Too little is not a problem because theyre dettached, but too much can put them on the spot and irritate them. Theyll see this social experience as an "unpleasant" one and stop coming to you for their social interactions
* its important to distinguish these people from people with anxiety who rely on you to start social connections, or people who are shy/introverted. These people are specifically not as interested in being part of the conversation, just hearing it happen like a podcast. They dont WANT to be included per se.
A lot of the above tips involve things you can do for yourself, because in my experience, the best thing to do is dettach yourself from the dettacher (haha). Its healthy and sets boundaries. But if you really want to talk to them you can talk about the following:
How their life is going (open-ended but you can veer into categories like academics and careers. Steer clear of relationships unless youd be interested in knowing how the career/academics of the other end of the relationship is doing). Allows them to direct the conversation as theyd like
Travel plans and interests, or game plans and interests (but for games youd likely just get an update of what theyre playing and whether its good or not). Small things theyve probably thought about before but not had a chance to think about too deeply. Puts pressure off thinking about their "self" and makes for easy conversation. Leads naturally into a comfortable topic away from the present world for them
Do not push for details!!! They would be unwilling to give them to you and you will come off as nosey.
Listen to what they say, and get them to elaborate on general things theyve made a note to include but dont require introspection. Ex: *me and my partner recently went to florida.* oh! Florida must have been very hot this time of year!
