Rolling over in my bed with a groan, I peeked a glance at my alarm clock sitting on my side table. 6:45am. I hated waking up early on a Saturday! With a small sigh, the covers were flung off and I stood up to stretch. The boys had been gone for about 5 days now. They had adamantly refused to let me tag along this time and as upset as I was, I understood why. They just wanted to keep me safe and if I was being honest, I was not 100% after our last hunt.

Slipping my feet into my bedroom slippers, I made my way out of my room and down the hall towards the boy’s rooms. I stopped at the first door on the right and pressed my ear against it for a moment. When I heard nothing from inside, I gently turned the knob and pushed the door open. Nothing. Pulling the door shut I made my way to Sam’s bedroom only to find nothing as well. The boys are still not home from their hunt. Now I was upset. It had been 5 days now and not once had Sam or Dean contacted me about the case. Was it going so well that they didn’t need any research done? I doubt that. Dean would do anything in the world to get out of the research.

Finally, I decided that it was way too early in the morning to be dealing with this and I made my way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Then I would contact the boys myself.

As I filled up the machine with water and coffee grounds, my mind drifted back to when I first met Sam and Dean. We had met when I was only 10.

You see, hunting ran in my family as well. My mother and father were hunters. When my mom found out that she was pregnant with my sister, she quit hunting and eventually so did my father. My parents eventually were able to settle down into a normal life, and two years after my sister was born, my mom found out she was pregnant with me. Fast forward several years to the night of my 10th birthday, a monster broke into my house and killed my parents and my older sister. John Winchester and his friend Bobby had been tracking the monster and they saved me before the monster could hurt me. With the monster dead, John and Bobby tried to figure out what to do with me but since I had no other family members, there was no where for me to go. Bobby took me in and raised me, along with Sam and Dean, who spent more time at Bobby’s than with their dad.

At first it took Dean a while to warm up to me. We became a lot closer when he realized that he had someone his own age to help take care of Sam. Sam and I instantly bonded over our love of books and learning. It helped that I was not nearly as tough on him as Dean sometimes was. As we got older, the three of us grew even closer when John and Bobby would take us all on hunts together. I had finally started to heal after losing my own family, because I had a new family, one who would protect each other from everything.

One day, John came back to Bobby’s place only this time, Sam wasn’t with him. John had his version of what happened, and Dean had his. I had never seen Dean so upset and heartbroken in my life. Sam had gotten into Stanford and had tried to tell his dad about it. John had instantly gotten defensive and accused Sam of not wanting to find the demon that killed Mary. They had argued and John finally told Sam to leave and never come back. My heart broke for Dean. We lost something that day, a little piece of me died as another member of my family left me.

Taking a sip of my coffee, I frowned as the memory of Sam leaving came to mind. I don’t know why I had started to reminisce about the past, but sometimes it was nice to take a little trip down memory lane, even if some of the memories weren’t always happy ones.

I had some cleaning to do around the bunker before the boys came home. If they didn’t return tonight, I was going to have to go hunt them down myself. Finishing off my coffee, I set the cup in the sink to wash later and headed back towards my bedroom so that I could change out of my pajamas. I opened up my closet and happened to glance up at the top shelf. Sitting there was my old guitar. It was the only thing I had taken from my house after that horrible night. The guitar had been my fathers. He gave it to me that night as my birthday gift along with the promise of teaching me to play.

I popped open the latches and pulled the guitar out of its case and just looked at it. It had been so long since I had last played it. Placing the strap over my head, I positioned the guitar in my lap and placed my fingers on the fret board. With just a strum or two, memories flooded back to me of teaching myself how to play up in my room at Bobby’s house. With a quick tune and some more strumming, the guitar was finally ready to play again. My fingers fell into what fell like a natural place and I strummed the E minor scale. As I strummed, a song that my mother used to sing to me as a kid came to mind.

I remember tears streaming down your face

When I said, “I’ll never let you go”

When all those shadows almost killed your light

I remember you said, “Don’t leave me here alone”

But all that’s dead and gone and passed tonight

As I sang, flashback to a rough hunt that Dean and I had been on together came to mind. It was one of our first cases without John or Bobby. We were probably about 18 years old and John was out chasing a clue towards finding the yellow eyed demon that killed Mary while Dean and I handed what was supposed to be just one or two vampires.

*flashback*

“DEAN!” I screamed as I took off in a run. John had sent us to Louisiana for a small vampire case. It was supposed to be 2 maybe 3 vamps but instead ,we found an entire nest of about 9. We had killed all but 3 vamps and as I swung my machete again, I saw Dean fighting off the leader. As I ran towards them, the third vampire came out of the shadows and sank his fangs into Dean’s neck before tearing away from him. I quickly swung my machete at the leader and beheaded him before turning and taking down the final vamp.

“You’re gonna be okay. Just hang on!” Tears ran down my cheeks as I started to panic. Thinking quickly, I pulled off my flannel and pressed it against his neck to put pressure on the wound. Blood was quickly soaking through the shirt and I was terrified. Dean was scared too; I could see it in his eyes and hear it in the way his words trembled.

“Please don’t leave me alone here.” He whispered to me. The bleeding was slowing but Dean was beginning to lose consciousness. The blood loss was taking its toll on him.

Tears kept falling as I looked at him like he was crazy.

“I’m not going to leave you here!”

“Why are you crying?” His eye lids were starting to droop, and I panicked. Shaking him I tried to keep him awake.

“Hey! Dean! You can’t fall asleep; We have to get you out of here. I’m never gonna let you go and I’m not gonna leave you here. Now get up!”

Dean grunted in pain as I helped him up off the ground. His movements were slow and sluggish, but it was only a few feet to the car. ‘Just get him in the car and then get him to the hospital’ I kept repeating it over and over until we finally arrived at the local medical center.

*end flashback*

Dean had gone into shock by the time we made it to the hospital. I could only watch as doctors rushed him away from me and into surgery. After he had been given a unit of blood, some IV fluids, and had been stitched up, I sat beside his bed that night and waited for him to wake up. I hummed this song to him in hopes that he could hear me and would wake up. When he finally did wake up, I cried in joy because I thought I had almost lost him. I couldn’t take the loss of another person.

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You’ll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I’ll be safe and sound

I remember when Dean and Sam lost their father. Dean had been in the hospital after another hunt had gone wrong. The three of them had been in a car accident after the hunt. I’ll never forget that phone call or the fear that filled my body when I heard what had happened. Bobby tossed his keys to me and I rushed to the hospital as fast as I could but by the time I got there, John was dead. After the boys had been discharged, they told me what had happened. Dean had been trapped outside of his body and a reaper had been after him. John sold his soul and a gun called the Colt to the yellow eyed demon that he had been hunting for so long. His soul for Dean’s life.

There was a war going on outside and only we knew what it was. As hunters, we knew about the things that go bump in the night. There was a war brewing and we were the only soldiers that could fight it.

Don’t you dare look out your window, darling,

Everything’s on fire

The war outside our door keeps raging on

Hold on to this lullaby

Even when music’s gone

Gone

After their father died, Dean and Sam told me all about the demon that their father had been hunting. They told me about their mom and how the demon had killed her and had almost killed Sam. They told me about how their Dad had gotten obsessed with finding it and everything that he had done. Although John was strict with the boys and I, he was still like a father to me. With the loss of John weighing over me, that night I locked myself in my room and just cried. I cried for the loss of John, for the loss of my family, cried with relief that Dean was safe, I just cried.

I couldn’t lose another family member. I didn’t know how much more I could take. If only I had known what the future had held for me, maybe I would have gotten out of hunting because all that was awaiting me in the future was loss and grief.

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You’ll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I’ll be safe and sound

I let the last chord echo thorough out the room as I trailed off on the last few words. I was started by the sound of clapping behind me and I spun around on my bed to see Sam and Dean standing in the doorway with small smiled on their faces. I instantly threw my guitar off onto the bed and ran over to give them hugs.

“Careful!” Dean warned and I jumped back before I could touch him.

“It’s okay, just bruised a bit. Just don’t hug too tight.” He chuckled out.

Gently I wrapped my arms around him before moving over to Sam. With a frown ,I pulled back gently before I shot out and smacked both of them on the back of the heads.

“Hey! What the hell!?”

Taking a step back, I put my hands on my hips and glared at both of them.

“5 days?? You couldn’t call and tell me you were alright?”

Sam looked down sheepishly and Dean suddenly found the wall interesting.

“Well?” I said, tapping my foot on the ground

“We ran into a bit of trouble on our way back.” Sam mumbled out, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck.

Sighing I let my hands fall from my hips before I looked at their faces. Looking closely, I could see that both boys had cuts and bruises on their faces.

“Come on and sit down so I can clean you up. Then you can tell me what happened.”

As the boys moved into my room and sat down on my bed, I went into the bathroom only to come out with the first aid kit from under my sink.

“Start at the beginning Sam.” I poured a small amount of peroxide onto a cotton ball and began to dab at one of the cuts on Dean’s forehead. As soon as the cotton ball made contact Dean flinched away like I had stabbed him.

“Really?” I asked in a deadpan voice.

He just crossed his arms with a huff and pouted. Staring for a moment, I broke at his pushed-out lip and started giggling. Instantly he broke into a grin at his successful attempt at making me laugh.

“Alright, alright.” I giggled out. “Tell me what happened.” I began to gently push on dean’s ribs to make sure that nothing was broken before moving over to check Sam.

“We got caught by the police.” Sam mumbled out.

“What was that?”

“I said, we got caught by the cops!”

I just rolled my eyes and kept quiet while they shared their story of what happened. I finished up treating Sam and closed up my first aid kit.

“Well, at least you are home and safe. Why don’t you take showers and change, and I’ll go make us something to eat okay?”

Dean and Sam both cracked a smile before gingerly standing from the bed.

“Thanks, Y /n.” Dean wrapped me in a hug, and I felt him press his lips to the crown of my hair before letting go and heading down the hall. Sam too wrapped me up in a hug before he went towards the showers.

I could finally feel myself relax as my body and brain finally got the message that the boys were okay.

 This Time:

I felt my heart stop and I stared at him with wide eyes.

“What do you mean? ……He’s….he’s dead.”

Cas began shaking his head at me and my breath caught.

“No y/n, he’s alive. He’s back. He is with Dean and your father right now and I can take you there.”

I could feel my eyes welling with tears as his words hit me. Sam was alive?

“No…”

I could feel Cas staring at me and my body filled with anger. I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream. Why would he lie to me like that?

“I thought angels weren’t capable of lying Cas, but you have proved me wrong.”

My head was still down but Cas could see the glistening of tears landing on the bedspread from where he sat. Without warning I spun around to face the angel, my face etched in fury.

“How could you of all people do this to me Cas!? How could you stand there and lie to my face like that!?” I yelled.

Castiel flinched at my yelling but at that moment, I couldn’t feel sorry for him. Was this some kind of punishment? To taunt me with Sam’s death? To make me pay for not being able to save him?

“I know you are upset Y/n but believe me, I’m not lying to you. I’ll take you to him and let you see for yourself. I don’t know how he is back, but he is y/n. I would never do something like that to you.”

I let a sob erupt from my throat and I sat down on the bed and began to cry into my hands. Cas hesitantly placed his hand on my back and began to rub in a circle.

“Dean once showed me that this was comforting to some humans. Is it helping? I can stop if you want.”

I couldn’t help but laugh a little. He sounded so concerned. Shaking my head, I took in a shaky breath before speaking.

“I’m sorry Cas...I’m sorry for yelling at you. I know you would never lie to me like that. I’m sorry.”

“Come now, I’ll take you to him Y/n.”

I wiped my tears and grabbed my bag off the bed before standing in front of Cas. I watched him place 2 fingers on my forehead. The world spun for a moment and I thought I was going to be sick, then suddenly I was standing on the front porch of my fathers’ salvage yard. The old ‘Singer Salvage’ sign was hanging down some and a few boards on the front porch were broken.

“He is in there y/n.”

I spun around quickly, not realizing that Castiel had not left. He approached me slowly and gave me a small smile. It was strange to see the angel smile, but I couldn’t help but believe him. I walked up the stairs and reached for the doorknob. I paused then slowly retracted my hand back to rest at my side.

“What is it?” Cas asked from behind me.

“What if this is all a dream Cas? I don’t know if I could handle it not being real. It’s been almost a year…” I trailed off for a moment. “What if he isn’t the same? What if-“

I broke off, not wanting to think about it.

“You won’t know if you don’t see him.”

His face shifted and was suddenly set in determination, he then stepped forward, knocked on the door and quickly vanished.

‘Dammit Cas!’ I thought as I heard footsteps approaching the door. Moments later it swung open and I came face to face with the barrel of my father’s shotgun.

“Y/n?”

I gave my father a small grimace and shrugged.

“Hi, dad….”

He lowered his gun and instantly I was splashed in the face with Holy Water and I could feel him cut my hand with his silver blade.

“It’s me,” I said, spitting out some of the holy water that had gone into my mouth.

Instantly I was pulled into a hug and I could feel my father shaking a bit.

“Where the hell have you been you idjit!? I should shoot you where you stand for not checking in.”

Pulling back from the hug I sighed.

“I’m sorry…after everything happened…I just…I couldn’t…”

Bobby shook his head with a small frown. He was angry but he understood. When his wife died, he hadn’t handled it well. Everyone handles grief in different ways. He himself had drunk himself into a stupor. John Winchester was a prime example of what grief can do to someone.

“I get it, girl. You needed time- “

He was interrupted by a voice and I couldn’t help but smile a bit.

“Bobby! Who was at the- “

I smiled at the person as they entered the room and his eyes landed on mine.

“Hey, Dean…”

“Y/n…”

In 3 short strides, Dean was out the front door and pulling me into a tight hug, his arms wrapping all the way around me. He rested his chin on the top of my head like he was trying to make sure I was really there.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Y/n,” he mumbled into the top of my head.

I pulled back from the hug with a confused look.

“Why are you sorry Dean? You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Dean shook his head as he stepped away from me.

“I’m sorry for never calling to check in on you. I should have called, and I shouldn’t have left you like I did.”

He continued to apologize and ramble, and finally, I stopped it with a hand over his mouth.

“Dean. You have nothing to apologize for. You made Sam a promise and you kept to that promise. That’s it.”

Dean continued to shake his head and he pulled my hand off his mouth.

“I made Sam more than one promise. I promised him that I would take care of you and not let anything bad happen to you.”

“Dean I’m fine!”

“Cas told me about your hunting and your injuries. He told me everything before he came to get you. I know all about the recklessness and the constant hunting y/n. I should have been there to protect you!”

Before I could argue back, my father stepped in between us and put his hands up.

“Alright! Enough you two! It’s like cats and dogs fighting in here. Can we get back to the situation at hand? Like Sam being back from the dead maybe?”

The room was silent for a moment before Dean decided to speak up.

“I don’t know how he’s back, but he is.”

My eyes narrowed as I stared at him for a moment. I could tell that he wasn’t telling me everything, Dean could never look me in the eyes when he was lying or when he was withholding information.

“How long has he been back Dean?

Dean wouldn’t answer me, he just looked away. With a sudden burst of energy, I lunged forward and grabbed Dean around the collar and slammed him up against the wall. He let out a groan of pain as his back hit the wall.

“How long?” I ground out through clenched teeth.

Dean let his shoulders fall and he let out a deep breath.

“A year…but I just found out about him being back. He came and got me from Lisa’s just a few days ago. We’ve been trying to track you down since then. Cas finally showed up and told us he knew where you were.”

I laughed dryly and let Dean off the wall. My hands wove into my hair and I felt like ripping it out. A year…he’s been back over a year and I’m just now finding out about it. My hands dropped to my side and I turned to look at my father. I could tell by the way he was looking around and not meeting my eyes that he knew more than he was letting on as well.

“How long have you known Dad?”

“The whole time, but there’s something you should know y/n. He’s not the same as he was.” Dad shook his head and ran his hand across his beard. Something he only did when he was uncomfortable. “Something’s not right with him y/n. It’s like he’s not the same Sam. He doesn’t act the same way as he used to.”

Shaking my head, I could feel tears welling up, but I blinked them back. Instantly, I started to walk towards the front door. I couldn’t do this right now. I wasn’t prepared for any of this. The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs echoed through the room and I froze with my hand on the doorknob.

“Dean? Bobby? Who’s here?”

I felt my breath catch in my throat as the footsteps continued into the room with us and finally came to a stop in the same room.

“Y/n?”

I clenched my teeth and blinked away my tears harshly before letting out a deep breath. I dropped my hand from the doorknob and slowly turned to face him

“Mmm, I’m so happy you’re home.” Sam had been on a hunt with Dean for over a week now and they had just returned about an hour ago. It felt like she hadn’t seen him in forever and there was an ache in her chest. All she wanted to do was be held by him right now. She felt like at any moment, he would slip away from her.

“Y/n? Baby? You have to wake up baby! This isn’t real! Y/n? Y/n!”

“Y/n!”

“Y/N!!!”

I jolted awake on my pillow and instantly let out a sob. Of course, it was a dream. He was dead, and he wasn’t coming back, not this time. Sam was dead and there was nothing I could do about it.

*Flashback*

“NO! SAM!!! NO!!”

I lunged forward to grab at him, but Dean pulled me back to him and held me tightly as I screamed and cried. I fought and fought, trying to get to him, then all at once everything stopped.

I pulled my head away from Dean’s chest and looked around. Sam was nowhere to be found. I felt a weight settle in my chest as the reality of the situation hit me.

Sam was gone. He was in the cage with Lucifer, and he wasn’t coming back.

I let out a loud sob and fell to my knees where Sam was last standing, the hole that was once the cage, now closed and gone.  

“Y/n….”

My head snapped to the side and saw Cas standing next to me along with a fully healed Bobby. I let the tears fall even faster as I shot up off the ground and into the arms of my father. Bobby wasn’t my real dad, but he might as well be. My parents were killed a long time ago and Bobby saved me from being killed. He took me in and raised me.

“It’s okay sweetheart…. It’ll be okay.”

I could hear his gruff voice telling me over and over that it would be okay, but I knew it wouldn’t. I just lost one of the most important people in my life and he wasn’t ever coming back. So, I held onto my father and cried.

*End Flashback*

That very same night, both Dean and I left my dad’s house with no intention of returning. We had gone to a motel in Kansas and spent the night. The next morning, I woke up alone. I tried calling Dean, but he had disconnected his number. I knew where he had gone because Sam had Dean make a promise. Dean was with Lisa and I wasn’t going to track him down and try and make him leave. So, I checked out, hotwired a car, and took off after the next case. That was over a year and a half ago and it still feels like yesterday.

Shaking my head to get back to reality, I pulled myself out of bed with a small sigh. I wiped the tears from my face and groaned. I could feel a sharp stinging on my side where the stitches of my latest wound pulled some as I stood up. I hadn’t given up hunting since then, in fact, I had started hunting even more than usual. I was being reckless with my hunts, that’s why I have a huge gash on my side from a werewolf. Dad would kill me if he knew.

“Hello Y/n.”

With a gasp, I spun around with my gun drawn only to see Castiel standing there.

“Cas, what have I said about that? What are you doing here anyway?”

Placing my gun on the table and lifting my shirt, I grimaced at the sight of my wound. It was turning a slight yellow meaning that an infection was setting in.

“Let me.”

Cas took several strides across the room before gently placing his hand over the wound and healing it.

“Thank you, Cas. Now…why are you here? It’s been over a year since I’ve seen you. You haven’t answered any of my prayers and now you show up? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to see you but ya know…It’s odd.”

Cas took a seat on the bed across from me before speaking.

“It’s about Sam.”

I interrupted him before he could say anything else. I didn’t want to talk about Sam, it still hurt too much.

“I’m fine Cas. I’ve been a little reckless recently and I realize that. I’m gonna slow down hunting, but I’m coping. He’s been gone for over a year and a half, there’s nothing I can-“