#spideystarkss

They knew that you were Bucky Barnes’ everything. That you were more important than anything that Bucky had come to love in this new world he was being introduced to. That you were introducing him to. They knew that if they got to you, they’d get their soldier back because Bucky would sacrifice himself for you any day. He had miscalculated because you would do the same for him.

After everything that Hydra had done to him, after everything they had done to ruin his life and make him into a weapon to terrorize the masses with, this was the worst thing that they had ever done to torture him. One miss-step and the building was coming down, crumbling around you as you were knocked out, placed in the current coma you were under in the Med Bay.

He had sworn that the moment happened in slow-motion. One minute you were fighting off two agents while Bucky and Clint fought some others and Nat snatched the flash drive from the control panel. The next, a grenade had gone off, an explosion erupting, sending you all stumbling out of the remains. Once Bucky was able to get up, he found your body, your face battered and bruised with a large gash across your jaw.

He had never felt so helpless, so worthless in his life. He cradled your head, breathless. In a moment of instant panic, he hoisted you in his arms and ran to the quinjet where you were rushed back to the compound.

Bucky wasn’t the only one hurting in the wake of your severe condition. Steve had been pacing the whole ten hours that you were in surgery with Bruce and Dr. Cho while Wanda sought comfort in Vision in the waiting room. She had been crying since she saw her best friend beaten to a pulp.

Tony consoled Pepper who was a crying mess and Bucky could just see how badly your father wanted to burst into a sob. His baby girl was fighting for her life and all of the resentment he felt towards the man who had taken his daughter away from him, kept threatening to spill out in the middle of the mass amount of medical professionals he had employed.

Bucky didn’t have it in him to even move a single muscle. He sat in the chair where he had watched you get wheeled behind swinging doors with doctors and nurses rushing to give you oxygen and check your pulse.

Your blood was stained onto his hands, ingrained into the divots and creases near his flesh knuckles. His metal hand had formed into a fist, teeth gritted as he rocked himself on his feet. He wanted to scream or cry but he felt nothing, he didn’t allow himself to. It was his fault that you were so damaged and he felt the full force of guilt weighing him down in the same way that Hydra had forced him to harm thousands of people. He felt their pain; he saw the fear in their eyes. He had ruined so many lives and now you were suffering the same fate all because of him.

His eyes were becoming almost too heavy to keep open. The bags under his eyes weighed heavy and he wanted to sleep so bad. But he couldn’t. He was far too afraid that he’d fall asleep and you’d slip away without giving him a chance to say goodbye. Back during his Hydra days, he had been accustomed to keeping his eyes open for days at a time. He was too fragile to keep them closed while the threat of torture and murder bit at his heels like wild dogs.

These days, he was so used to sleeping within seconds that his head hit the pillow. It wasn’t the bed that let him dream peacefully but the woman in his arms. You had made everything easy for him; you were an angel.

No sleep had been in the foreseeable future as he stared at you from the chair beside your bed. It had been three days since you had returned from the mission and you were still not awake. Bucky hadn’t moved much either, insisting on staying put besides taking a shower but other than that, Steve basically had to force food down his throat. Bucky felt as though he didn’t deserve to eat if you weren’t able to.

He could see your grin so vividly, picturing how excited you got when it was time for lunch. He remembered your date at the diner his mom used to take him to as a kid and how much you loved everything about the place. Bucky could care less about where he took you as long as you were there because he loved you.

But now, now you were in a coma, your face swollen and patched up while various tubes filtered through your skin. He could barely stomach looking at what he had done but he forced himself to. He deserved to go through the pain of knowing what he did while you were in pain inflicted by him. He had sworn he’d protect you and take care of you but somewhere along the line, he had failed. He didn’t think that there was a way to fix this but he sure as hell needed you to wake up.

“Buck?” Steve called from the door of your med bay room and stared at his friend in concern. “Buck.” He repeated but Bucky was in no shape to be listening or talking to others. Not while the love of his life was fighting for her life.

“Bucky.” Steve placed his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, making his jolt in surprise. He caught his breath and then looked up at the blonde soldier.

“When was the last time you slept, bud?”

“I don’t know.” Bucky mumbled, putting his eyes back on his girl, watching her chest rise and fall to ease some of his jitteriness.

“You should get some rest. She can’t wake up and see you like this. You’re a mess.”

“If. If she wakes up. Based off of how it’s going, it’s not lookin’ too good, bud.” He spat in annoyance. Why couldn’t people just leave him alone to wallow?

Steve sighed and deep down knew that all of this had been built up. Bucky had been so afraid of losing you while you were perfectly fine that now you were actually hurt, he was a void of who he used to be. “She’s going to. You have to believe that she will because the way you’re going about it, it’s all wrong.”

“Leave me alone, Rogers.”

“Bucky-”

“Just leave.” Steve was no stranger to Bucky’s pointed attitude and somewhat off-putting remarks but he had a feeling that this was cutting deeper than any blade to pierce The Winter Soldier’s skin.

“I’ll be back around dinnertime. I’ll bring you something up. And please, just get some rest.” Steve patted Bucky on the shoulder before exiting the room and calling Wanda’s visit off. Wanda visited at least three times a day to try and get a reading on you but you were talented at blocking her signals, even when incapacitated.

Bucky glanced at your face, the most gorgeous face he had ever seen and felt tears welling up in his ocean blue eyes. There was a harshly wrapped bandage over your right cheekbone from where they had to sew up the deep gash that had made its way through your soft flesh.

The bruises were now turning a yellowish color as opposed to the darkened blue and purple that rose to your temple and jaw bone. There were various cuts littered over your cheeks and chin, ones even close to your eyes. Your lip had been busted and had to be sewn to aid in healing but your entire mouth was swollen.

A few salty droplets glided down Bucky’s cheek and his heart ached at what he had done. He hadn’t saved you in time and now he may never have time with you again.

Somewhere between the afternoon and evening, Bucky had left briefly to take an inhumanly fast shower before heading back to be with you. He sat at the edge of the bed you had shared and he sighed. He hadn’t had much time to grieve even though his thoughts tormented him at all seconds of the day. He began to let his eyes wander around.

They first hit the small couch that was in your room. It was deep onyx black with golden pillows set atop of it because you wanted it to mirror the color scheme of your own Iron Man suit. Bucky let out a breathy laugh softly to himself as he remembered when he was trying to read a book on the bed and after a few moments of silence, you threw a pillow at his head, engaging a pillow fight that ended in a stubbed toe and a broken lamp.

Next, he noticed some of your clothes left haphazardly on the floor, ones that he had specifically asked you to throw in the hamper before heading to the quinjet. Yet now, he didn’t have the heart to move them. He searched for you, in everything and anything. Of course, everything in that damn room had a memory laced within it. But one, in particular, was the framed photograph beside your bed. It captured a moment of pure bliss. You leaned up, kissing Bucky on the cheek while his eyes crinkled and was laughing because you licked his cheek.

He couldn’t help but let the dam break as sobs ripped through his taut chest and he buried his head in his hands. How could he lose you? How could he lose the one thing in his life that made his sorry life worth living in the damn first place? He wanted to break something, he wanted to scream and cry but he wanted you to be there to calm him down, to tell him that everything was going to be okay. But you weren’t there and it wasn’t okay. It wouldn’t be okay, not ever.

He must have been loud because a knock at the door made him snap out of his fit and get up, wiping away his self-inflicted pity tears. His eyes were red and cheeks were flushed as he opened the door and allowed his shoulders to sink.

“Thought a cat was dying in here based on the sounds you were making, my god.” Tony rolled his eyes, pressing passed Bucky and sitting down on the couch.  “But then it occurred to me, you don’t have a cat! You don’t have a cat in here, right Barnes?”

“No sir, we don’t have a cat.” Bucky looked down at his feet as he approached the living space and sighed. You loved animals and while getting a cat might not be the pet you had always wanted, Bucky would get you as many fucking cats as you damn well pleased.

“Look, my kid is a strong woman. She’s fighting and as much as I dislike you, she seems to really care for you. So, what I can do is make sure that while she’s not here, that you are taking care of yourself. Look at you, Barnes. I’m guessing you haven’t slept in three days? Neither have I. But, you need to. You won’t be any help for her if you’re not taking care of yourself first.”

“Mr. Stark, she means everything to me and this is all my fault. The love of my entire long ass life is practically dying on an uncomfortable bed with a patch-work face and broken limbs all because of me. Hydra fucking knew that she was my greatest weakness.”

Tony sighed and cut Bucky off. “Is it really a weakness to love someone? I love Pepper. I painstakingly will admit that I love my friends. But my daughter, I love my daughter more than my own amazingly pathetic life and that isn’t the weakness people tell you it is.” Tony stopped to look around the room and spotted a Metallica shirt on the floor. “Brat took my favorite shirt.” And then he shook his head.

“Anyway, blah, blah, blah with all the ‘love is a strength’ and all that bullshit but there may be some truth in what they say. I’m not Iron Man because I like covering myself in titanium alloy for fun. Although my ass looks fantastic in red and gold. I might do it a little bit because I have a praise kink but that’s neither here nor there.” Bucky scoffed and Tony hit him upside the head, Bucky rubbing at the ache.

“Ultimately when it comes down to it, I became Iron Man because of the people I love, to protect them and make sure they get to be safe and live and enjoy life for all the reasons they were put on the earth to begin with.”

Bucky looked up at Tony in surprise reverence. Sure, he respected your father but he hadn’t had the easiest relationship with him. “I love her more than anything in this world and now-now I might lose her. So, how can I take care of myself when she’s in there, not able to laugh and talk and do whatever she wishes to do when it’s all on me?”

Free tears straggled down his face and he resigned in a chair across from where Tony sat. He had never thought in a million years that he’d be pouring out his heart to a man who seemed to hate him more than wearing the same suit within three months' time; Stark’s never wore the same thing twice until three months after wearing it the first time. He knew that from you.

Tony narrowed his eyes, studying the man’s depressed features. He understood what mourning felt like, what the weight of the world felt like as it bore down on his shoulders. It was too much and by the time he had realized it, the weight had broken his back. If he couldn’t do anything to help you, he’d help the next best thing.

“I’m going to be honest. I blamed you. Hydra targeted my daughter because she’s with you and you love her and all that garbage. She wouldn’t have been the main target otherwise.” He paused, drawing in a breath. Bucky flinched in shame and regret, knowing that it was his doing, that the world would lose an amazing person as a sacrifice to keeping the likes of him, a monster.

“However, I said I blamed you, as in the past.” Bucky looked up, hopeful with a warm sensation growing within his chest.

“You had no control over the situation and I can relate when it comes to trauma, Bucky. I am no stranger to taking in that burden of guilt and I’ll tell you, it’s fucking heavy.” Bucky nodded, understanding exactly what those words meant.

He had never known Tony Stark to have so many problems that actually affected him but you had often told him about your childhood. Tony was a great father but he dealt with a lot from your mother abandoning you to the fear of living a life where he had failed to save everyone around him. Bucky understood that pain, that agony that kept one up at odd hours in the night. He understood the yearning for love and compassion that had driven him to deserve love from you in the first place. You were his saving grace and he had to owe it all to the man in front of him.

“It’s not your fault for what played out. You have to understand that my daughter, much like me, is strong-willed and so damn stubborn. She doesn’t need a protector or a white knight. She’s going to do whatever she wants and she knew the consequences that came with being your girlfriend.” He rubbed his hands together, looking Bucky dead in the eye.

“She loves you, man. I don’t know why, but she absolutely, unequivocally loves you.” It pained your dad to accept that you weren’t his baby anymore but a grown woman who he couldn’t be any prouder of. Bucky tried to swallow through the thick air, thinking about how much he fucking loved you. You were his one. He was dead set on marrying you and he had to believe that there was still a future where that could all happen.

“She wouldn’t want you to be beating yourself up because of what happened so you shouldn’t. Get some rest, eat a pancake. Then, get your ass back up there and wait for her to wake up. The last thing she wants to see is Steve’s annoyingly handsome face fawning over her as the first sight she has seen in days. Trust me, I should know.”

Tony shrugged and got up methodically, pushing his hands in his pant pockets and heading for the door, leaving Bucky with a lot to think about.

“Thank you, sir.” Bucky spoke earnestly, purely from the heart. He needed to hear it and who would have thought it’d come from Tony Stark? Tony stood and grabbed his Metallica shirt off the floor, slinging it over his shoulder.

“Mhm. Tell anyone about this little pow-wow and I’ll be sending your ass a-packing.”

“Yes, sir.” Bucky nodded as Tony exited, closing the door lightly. Maybe he was right, maybe it really wasn’t his fault but some part of him was wired to take responsibility for hurt and destruction that came to others. He had just been used to harboring the blame and guilt but now he seemed oddly lighter.

Taking up Tony’s advice, Bucky rested his head against your pillow, taking in the smell of your shampoo that had left traced behind in the soft silk. In an instant, his eyes closed, dreaming of you, your laugh, your smile. God, did he love that smile. He loved you.

He got a few good hours of sleep before Friday initiated his wake up sequence where he had to be woken gently as to not trigger him.

“Sergeant Barnes.”

“What Fri?” Bucky sat up, rubbing the sleep away from his blurry eyes.

“It is imperative that you go to the med bay.” Bucky’s eyes opened wide, worry sending shock waves of pins and needles throughout his body. He stood up at an instant, not caring about what a mess the bed was.

“Why?! Is she okay?” He launched himself out of bed, rushing to the door to run into the med bay wing.

I would have much rather been in a poptart eating contest with Thor as he retold the same conversations he had with his family in Asgard, explaining their traditions and festivities.

I would have even taken Bruce’s droning on about his latest experimental adventures over being all alone in this massive building that should have been filled with laughter and love the way the other compounds had.

A dull ache that I suppressed more and more each day panged in my heart and pulled resentment to the surface. My mixed feelings for everything that happened stirred within me, making my stomach uneasy.

My phone buzzed and I looked down to see Pepper’s name flash across the screen, the last family picture we took now taunting me. My dad smiled ear to ear as Morgan held bunny ears behind his head and Pepper placed a kiss on my cheek while we all squeezed together. It had been Christmas and our tree illuminated the background, the coziness of our cabin bringing back those last good memories I had.

I declined the call and exhaled deeply. It was something I was getting a reputation for, declining calls or texts or really any form of communication with my family.

It wasn’t because I didn’t want to speak with them. I gave them signs of life every so often but I just couldn’t give them the Y/N they needed right now, so it was only right to just keep to myself until I broke myself free from my self-inflicted pity party.

Rain thundered against the large window panes in my living room and I looked out to see thunder cracking along the sky line. I smiled to myself, thinking of the mighty Thor and wished desperately he had returned home to see me. Realistically, I knew he had far more important things to do with his time.

Every so often, Happy would visit and bring my sister for a tour of the building. Seeing as he was now my assistant CEO of Stark Industries, I needed him close by.

My mother had passed the mantle of CEO to me once my dad died so she could focus on her child rearing. I guess Tony made it look all too easy all those years raising me.

Rhodey would visit from time to time, trying to spend time with me as much as possible. I leaned on him often to tell me old stories of my dad that he probably wouldn’t have wanted me to hear. Yet, he had always been such an open book.

I smiled again to myself thinking about a story Rhodey told me starring a party my dad had thrown at my grandparent’s house in college that got crashed by the police. Later, my grandparents revoked my dad’s driving privileges. Of course he had a way around that and hot wired my grandfather’s old ‘58 Ferrari. Legend has it that Howard Stark sold all of his cars after that and had his driver, Jarvis chauffeur my dad around to keep an eye on him.

I brought myself back to reality. With the rain, i didn’t see the harm in making some last minute business calls and virtual board meetings dealing with the direction Stark Industries would be going. I decided to stay true to my father’s dream of a clean energy initiative and expanded it throughout the world. I’d like to think he was pretty proud of his daughter. There it was, another pang of guilt.

I stood in the kitchen, coffee in hand and looked out past the tree line. It was beautiful. The building was a lot smaller than the larger compound Thanos destroyed but it had everything I needed considering I lived alone.

I had hoped after the Blip, the remaining Avengers would return and even more heroes would step up to fill in the ridiculous amount of rooms. Alas, it had just been me and my erratic visitors.

Something unusual caught my eye as gravel flew down the driveway, rain creating large puddles. My eyes tracked the movements of a singular motorcycle driving towards the compound.

Rhodey had since given up his motorcycle days and the only other person I could think of who owned that model of bike was Steve. Seeing as Steve was pretty much walking hand in hand with death these days, I surmised it couldn’t possibly be him.

I tilted my head and wracked my brain for any other possibilities. Peter would never get a motorcycle and Clint was at home with his family. I knew that for a fact because I FaceTimed him yesterday and he forced me to watch Nathaniel serenade me as he practiced for a school play.

Oh. My stomach dropped as a black leather jacket came into view. The realization struck me. Oh hell no.

Then, my heart skipped a beat. I threw my dirty dishes in the sink and hurried to the mirror by the front door, running my fingers through my hair to find a semblance of dignity. I threw in a pair of shoes and grabbed a rain jacket from the coat rack.

I looked around my apartment one more time and noticed an ever growing stack of pizza boxes that would have to pass as decor. Perhaps I could say I was remodeling.

I ran down to the lobby and my heart stopped. It had been a long time since I had seen him. I watched as the large super soldier turned off his bike and bowed his head.

Something was wrong. I could see it in the aggressive way he put the kickstand down and carried his heavy shoulders. If I knew anything, I knew when Bucky Barnes was upset.

I walked out the large glass doors at the entrance of the building and when our eyes met, all I could see was red lined bright blue eyes filled with pain and confusion. He looked disappointed in himself.

“Forgot the directions to the museum? I heard they’re collecting relics from 1940.” He scoffed, that sweet smirk plastered across his stupidly gorgeous face. His shoulders seemed to relax and I walked over as he pulled me in for the tightest embrace we had shared in a long time.

I melted into his touch and inhaled his cologne. The feeling of his warmth around me felt like home. Hugging him always felt like peace.

“I missed you.” I say and he held me tighter, resting his scruffy chin on my head.

“I missed you too, doll.” We stood in the gravel driveway for what felt like too short of a time when he released me. We pulled apart and studied one another’s faces. No bruises, check. No cuts, check, no external bodily harm, check.

“I can assume you’re not here because you simply wanted a hug from your favorite ex-fiancee?” I jest and he just rolls his eyes playfully, shaking his head.

“As true as that statement is, I didn’t know where else to go or who to talk to about this.” Oh. This was a serious matter. His metal arm tensed under his leather jacket.

“You know I’m always here for you, Buck.” I said softly, and brushed a strand of hair off his face. My palm caressed his stubbled cheek and he looked as though he could just melt right there and then. He smiled faintly down at me and nodded.

“I messed up.” Blatant and short, straight to the point. That’s what I always loved about him.

“What do you mean?” Worry shot through me. The worst possible scenario was that someone had gotten to him. Not just someone, but Hydra.

It had been one of my biggest fears for him and the threat that there could be something to awaken that long forgotten part of his past, surely kept him up at night. I know sometimes I shuddered at the thought.

He began pacing, rain falling down his face and dripping down his jacket.

“I fucked up with Sam. We’ve gone our separate ways.” He shrugged, sighing.

“Oh? You two were dating?-” I jest. Maybe now was not the time for jokes.

“What? No, Y/N. We weren’t dating. He was the only friend I had left after Steve went back to Peggy. I just- we had a horrible disagreement.”

“I’m going to pretend that you forget that we’re friends and skip to asking what the argument was about.” I crossed my arms and arched an eyebrow at him.

Bucky looked at me in defeat and he studied my somewhat hurt expression. He should have bitten his tongue there and then.

“You know what I meant.” Recognizing that he and I were the closest he had to family.

“But Sam and I- we just don’t agree on what Steve wanted. He said that he doesn’t deserve the shield, Y/N.” He paused, his voice getting shaky. I stepped closer to him, studying his face.

He inhaled sharply and then sat on a bench dedicated to my fallen Avengers.

Bucky looked at the plaque and grimaced. “A nice sentiment.”

“They won’t be forgotten.” I smiled sadly and then realized he was trying to change the subject. “That can’t just be all, Bucky.”

Bucky rubbed his flesh hand over his face, accepting defeat. He knew I was perceptive. “He said that Steve was wrong about him. That he isn’t worthy of being the next Captain America.”

“Well that’s just simply not true. Sam deserves everything. He’s kind and honest and wants to do good for this Earth.That’s quite literally the description of what Captain America stands for.” Of my hands in my hips were any indicator, he knew I was getting fired up.

He shook his head, “I just don’t understand.”

“Try to see it from his point of view. Did you ask him how he felt about this responsibility? I mean Steve just handed him the shield and left. That is a huge ask. Steve chose him because he is the best of us.”

“We don’t really talk about feelings.”

A breathless laugh escaped my lips. “I could have told you that but maybe it would be good for you two. Put everything on the table, and maybe you can work it out. You two are both very passionate men. It’s worth having the conversation.”

Bucky looked at me with tears in his eyes and my heart thudded so rapidly that I feel like I might combust.

We stared at one another for a while. Tears began to leak from his eyes as they locked on mine and we said nothing. It was silent but so much had been said between us.

“Y/N.” He said shakily.

“Yeah?”

“If Steve was wrong about Sam, then- then he had to be wrong about me.” His voice fell off at the end of his sentence and there it was, my heart shattered.

How could this amazing, brave, strong, kind-hearted man ever feel that way? Steve believed in a lot of things but one of those things he felt so fervent about was that Bucky was redeemable.

He believed Bucky could be good, that he was good and that he could forge his own path away from everything that happened to him in his horrible past.

“Bucky, no. No, don't say that.” My voice was gentle and wrapped around him with warmth. I had almost taken offense to his self-slandering. I wouldn’t have loved him so much if he was a bad man.

“I just- I feel like I failed him, Y/N.”

“You did not fail Steve.” I say adamantly, firmly. “You have done so much to fix things that were not your responsibility to fix, Buck. You are by no means a failure. Steve failed us by leaving.” A tear escaped my eye and slipped down my cheek.

“I don’t believe that I’ve done enough.” He breaks and a slight sob tears through his chest.

“Bucky look at me. Please.” I begged and he just shook his head, eyes fixated on his black boots.

Anguish and guilt was written in every perfect line of his face.

“Please, baby look. Please look at me.” I pleaded again and moved closer to where he sat. He covered his face with his hands, visibly shaking.

“I can’t.” His voice broke, taking me back to that haunted place where I watched the two men I loved the most in this world beat each other near to death.

He was ashamed. I could feel that deep in my bones. I could feel it through his tone and his shaky words. Bucky was many things but he was never a mistake, never a failure and most certainly not to me. Not even when I found out the truth about my grandparents, was he a mistake.

Bucky was complex and broken and tragic. We all had been. Yet, he had gone through hell and back so many times, he seemed to have lost parts of him that he could no longer find the will to search for any longer.

I crouched in front of him, placing gentle hands on his knees. He didn’t react to the touch, knowing it was safe and familiar.

“It’s okay to feel like you haven’t ended up where you thought you should have. It’s okay to be sad and disappointed and confused. But make no mistake, you are so strong and so brave. You have gone through things no person should ever have to go through and you know what? You did it, you survived. And now, now you have the chance to make things better. Steve knew that, Sam knows it, and I do too.”

He looked at me, a tearful hopeful gleam in his eyes.

“I just don’t think you understand how horrible I was, Y/N. I don’t deserve your kindness or your annoyingly newly positive outlook on life this time.” Bucky’s body shook as he cried. I wondered how long he had been holding it together for him to get to this point.

“I will forget that you just called me annoying because you’re in your feels. However, everything I say is the truth. Do you remember what you said to me when my dad died?” He looked at me questioningly.

“We were on the dock after my father’s funeral and you sat with me for a long while. We just stayed there in silence.” He nodded, unsure where I was going with this.

“We just rested there, looking out at the lake and then when I was at my lowest, wanting to go back to make that sacrifice instead of him, you reminded me of everything my dad gave me by doing it himself.”

“Your dad and I didn’t exactly see eye to eye, Y/N.”

“No. Probably not after- everything but you still had the kindest words to say about him. You respected him. You had told me that he had given me a second chance. You said that I needed to stop being selfish and think of all the people who loved me. At the time one of those people had been you.”

“You know how I feel about you, Y/N.”

“Yes, I think I do. But you don’t seem to understand that the way you feel about me is how I feel about you times 3000, Bucky. You have people on your team. The whole world is not against you even if it seems like it. You need to remember that it’s okay to feel lost but don’t you dare forget that you have people willing to carry that extra weight when you feel like you’re about to drown. One of those people is me. I always have been.”

He didn’t respond so I kept going, “I believe in you just as much as Steve did, maybe even more and right now, I can look at you in those ridiculously stunning blue eyes and say to your face that you have not let me down. Regardless of your past and what you’ve done, you are not a disappointment, not to me. You are everything-.” I stopped before I could again profess my undying love for a man who left me.

He clenched his jaw, suppressing something he had buried.

“I don’t-”

“Don’t you dare say that you don’t deserve kindness or forgiveness.” I warned.

A beat passed and I almost forgot that we were standing outside in the middle of April in a thunderstorm.

“Thank you.” He says, relaxing as if my words took a little bit of the weight off his broad shoulders. He took my hand in his and squeezed it, bringing it to his lips. My heart skipped rapidly and I knew he could sense it with that super soldier hearing.

“Talk to Sam and rekindle your love or whatever you two get up to.”

“Do I detect a hint of jealousy, Stark?”

“No, Sam and I have a great relationship.” I flashed my teeth with a teasing grin.

Bucky grunted and narrowed his eyes. “Now who’s the jealous one?”

“I know you’re kidding with me but you really know how to kick a man when he’s down.”

We shared a longing stare and I had to break away before potentially pounced on him.

“Wanna come inside? I’ve got cocoa” I ask with a watery smile.

Bucky ran his metal hand through his dripping hair and rested his elbows on his knees, my hand still in his. “I can go, I’m sure you’re busy.”

“Shut up and come inside to dry off.” I demand.

“Are you sure?”

I smirk, knowing that being put out by Bucky Barnes was my idea of paradise. “I have marshmallows.”

“The good kind or the weird ones that are purple and green and pink?”

“They’re not weird, they’re fun.” I replied in defense. “But I have the non-fun 106 year old kind so what do you say? We get dry, have some cocoa, maybe watch a movie until the rain stops?”

“If you insist.” He let out a breathy laugh and nodded, allowing me to take his hand and lead him inside the compound.

We tracked water throughout the complex but I didn’t mind. It was a problem for later. We took the elevator up to my floor and exited into the living area.

Bucky’s eyes widened, studying the cathedral ceiling encased by floor to ceiling windows that produced the most beautiful picture of nature around the compound. I watched him gaze in awe at the architecture as he spun in a circle to take in the entirety of the living room.

I bit my lip, feeling a warm sensation in my chest. It was almost like he was my Bucky again. He had been so amazed by the world when he came back from Hydra’s grasps.

“You designed this yourself?”

“Every last detail.” I nod, grabbing some towels out of a cupboard and offering one to him. I dried off a bit and stood behind the kitchen island, admiring Bucky as he ruffled his hair with the towel.

“You never cease to amaze me, Stark.”

I pulled two glasses from the cabinet and placed them on the island. I grabbed a bottle of bourbon and poured a heavy glass for Bucky, a smaller one for myself. He grunted in thanks and settled on the opposite side of the island.

“Well I have a reputation to uphold. My last name carries a lot of weight these days.”

“You’re extraordinary all on your own, doll.” He raised his glass. “To optimism.”

I nod, inhaling deeply. “To Sam Wilson.” He choked on his sip and I laughed, swatting at his shoulder.

“Let me get you a change of clothes. You’ll get sick if you stay in those.”

“I don’t get sick that easily.” He shrugged. “You don’t have to do that. I probably wouldn’t look that great in your leggings anyway.” Jokes. At least I saw a glimmer of my Bucky.

“I’ll be right back.” I winked and ran up the stairs to the guest bedroom. When Bucky had left after his fight with my dad, he hadn’t just simply left. Everywhere I looked, I saw him. We were together for so long that every single thing in our shared level of the Avenger’s tower was etched with Bucky.

The moment I walked through our front door after exiting my SHIELD debrief, I had been assaulted by a pair of Bucky’s boots by the door. His scent lingered throughout our home and every time my eyes skimmed over even an inch of the apartment, he was there. He had left his coat draped over the back of our couch. He had left his coffee mug next to mine in the sink. His clothes were littered across the floor of our bedroom. His toothbrush rested beside mine.

I didn’t have the heart to destroy his existence although my father would have liked that. I had kept all of his clothes. I had kept his sunglasses and hair gel. I had kept his wallet filled with polaroids of us. Holding onto his things gave me a semblance of peace knowing that he was safe even if I couldn’t hold him. Keeping his things had just been a way for me to feel like my world had burned to ash.

I walked into the large closet of one of my spare bedrooms and grabbed a tshirt, boxers, and sweats along with some socks and inhaled, the familiar scent not yet vacating his clothes that had sat in boxes for I supposed was now eightish years. I had lived one year without him as he lived in Wakanda, five during the blip, and two more after the Blip without him. You’d think I would have gotten over him but there was no getting over the man I knew in my bones to be my soulmate.

I shook my head as if to get rid of those thoughts I had buried deep down. I tried to convince myself that living by myself and without moving on that I was fine. I had thought I was moving on. I had gone out on a few dates but every time another man held my hand or kissed me, I just thought of how I was letting Bucky down. I felt like a cheater.

I made my way back down to the kitchen where Bucky still stood and his eyes caught on the clothes in my hands.

“Are those-”

“Your clothes.” I nod.

“You kept them?” His curious voice became so soft it was almost a whisper.

“Well you know how much I liked wearing your stuff and well-I couldn’t just get rid of everything. It didn’t feel right.”

A beat of silence echoed between us and he licked his lips, a nervous tick.

“You always looked better in my clothes than I did. Thank you.” He took the clothes as I held them out. Our eyes locked with so much unsaid between us.

“The idea of a fashion show is tempting but for the time being, the bathroom is down the hall and we can just throw your wet clothes in the dryer.”

As Bucky changed, I finished my glass of bourbon and poured another for myself, adding some to Bucky’s half finished glass. I changed as quickly as I could, throwing one of my dad’s old hoodies on with some leggings.

Once I made it back down, Bucky was walking around the living room, looking at the various pictures I had hung on the walls. They had pictured much of my family. There were pictures of Bruce, Nat, and I in the quinjet.

I had hung one of Wanda, Vision, Clint, and I beside it. A vast number of pictures featured my dad, sister, mom, and I along with ones of Steve, Sam, and Thor. I had always held dear to one capturing a moment during my sixteenth birthday. My dad had thrown me a huge party and Rhodey and Happy had both forced my dad and I to take a family photo with me and my boys. They had always been the most overprotective.

I watched Bucky stop at a cluster of photos and stare for a few minutes. I knew what they had been. Many were pictures of him and I. We had been together for a while and many were pictures of our vacations or picnics he’d take me on. There were pictures of him and I with Steve that we took at their favorite places around Brooklyn. I knew it had to shatter his heart the way it did mine.

Especially the vacancy of our engagement photos on the wall. Those were reserved for my bedside drawers where I would only take them out if I needed a good cry.

“Admiring my decor, Barnes?”

He turned to face me, the ghost of our past reflecting in every line of his handsome face.

“Could use a few more of Sam but it does the job.”

“Well he doesn’t visit often either so he doesn’t get priority on the picture wall. Hot cocoa?”

“Thanks.” He smiled and finished his drink before walking towards the kitchen and rinsing out the cup, placing it in the dishwasher. The action was so familiar, so domestic. I swallowed hard, trying not to think about the last time I had seen him do that in our apartment.

“Clothes still fit like a glove. Good thing because otherwise you’d be hulking out of them.”

“Gotta keep up the muscle mass to lug this thing around all day.” He raised his metal arm to showcase its black and gold metal.

“Had to copy my suit huh?”

“I guess it was just a way to honor you. For everything you have done for me.”

“I think you just wanted to copy my color because you couldn’t stand that I looked cooler than you.”

“No, Y/N. I mean it. what you and I built will always leave a lasting impression on me. I’m just sorry about how things ended, I owe you a lot.”

“Hear me out, maybe you could repay me by staying tonight? I have plenty of spare rooms and it gets awfully lonely being in this big building by myself most nights.”

“Y/N-”

“Nothing has to happen. We can just hang out like we used to. I could order some pizza-

“I did notice your growing collection over there in the corner.” He gestures to the stack of pizza boxes I didn’t try so hard to hide.

“A girl can eat, you know that. We could order Chinese food instead.” I smile and he snorts, nodding his head. “We could watch some movies and just talk shit about how much you love Sam all night long. I’d even be down to make fun of Bruce or Thor, even Steve!”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea, doll.”

“I think it's a brilliant idea. It’s not safe for you to be driving home in this storm. Luckily for you I am willing to put up with you for the night.”

“Okay fine. But we are not ordering from that one place next to Stark Industries. I threw up four times the last time.” I snorted, smiling ear to ear.

“You got it.”

We spent the night cracking jokes and taking turns choosing movies. Of course he made me watch some of his favorite black and white films but not for a moment would I have complained. It was as if nothing happened and we had never truly gone anywhere.

At some point in the night, we found ourselves holding one another, cozy under blankets as we remembered some of our favorite moments together. Bucky had held me so softly and kissed me so gently that I forgot I was even on earth still.

We soaked up each other's company while it lasted and I watched the rain endlessly fall to the ground, nourishing the large maple tree I had planted for my dad and the cherry blossom for Nat. Bucky told me what it was like to be stuck in the portal with Peter Parker and Sam like it was his own ring in hell.

“So where are your roommates? Aren’t there plenty of Avengers to fill the rooms in this building?”

“Not enough after Thanos. Everyone is either retired or going about their own business.”

“Why don’t you choose to live somewhere in the city? I can’t imagine being here alone.”

“You’re no stranger to loneliness yourself, Buck.” He shrugged, reaching for my hand. “I just feel like being here makes me feel closer to them somehow. Bruce is here sometimes but he needs breaks so he has his own place in Queens. Thor is adventuring and Clint has his family. Everyone else is off doing their thing.”

“I saw you’re running Stark Industires now. I meant to reach out with congratulations but-“

“But you’re busy. It’s okay.”

“No. I just didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me.”

“Not a day goes by that I don’t not want to hear from you, darling.” I smile and something flickers in Bucky’s eyes.

Late into the night, Bucky’s head laid in my lap and I brushed my fingers through his hair. His eyes fluttered and his breath became steady. He was at peace. He was safe and he allowed himself to give into sleep that I’m sure was often burdened by nightmares.

“I love you.” He muttered sleepily and I grew sad knowing how true that statement was. He had to go find Sam and make amends. The world needed Captain America and Sergeant James Barnes.

“I love you more.” I whispered back, knowing he couldn’t hear me. I pressed a kiss to his temple and allowed myself to fall victim to the most blissful sleep I had gotten in years.

——————-

Sun filtered through the blinds and I groaned in annoyance. I really should have invested in some blackout curtains. I sat up, noticing the lack of weight beside me. Looking around the living room, there was no sign of Bucky. His shoes were missing at the front door and I noticed something on my coffee table that hadn’t been there before.

My fingers laced through Bucky’s dog tags and my heart dropped. He left. At least there was a note this time.

I picked up the paper with his scrawl written in haste.

“Hi doll-

I’m sorry I left without a goodbye…again. I have to complete my mission. I need to be better so I can be the man you deserve, the man Steve thought I could be. Your words last night inspired me, you always had a way with them, even if you were yelling at me for something stupid I did. Which was pretty often.I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you, and I swear to you that the next time we cross paths again, I will be a better man for you. Reach out if you need me, I will move the heavens and earth for you always.

Endless love,

Bucky x.”

I wiped away my tears that splattered into his note and sucked in a breath. I shouldn’t have been disappointed but I couldn’t help it.

The only thing pulling me through was getting home to my pets and my adorable husband. He had been gone for two whole weeks and I had been counting down the seconds when he walked through our apartment door with a goofy smile and very muscular open arms. Nothing could beat seeing his cheeky smile and bright eyes light up in excitement the moment he laid his eyes on me upon return.

I had been able to speak with him very infrequently but it was never the same. The location of his mission was remote and the cell reception was very spotty.

“Almost there, Y/N. Then we can head out for the day.” Bruce said and I nodded, internally screaming.

“I have a proposition for you, Banner.” I said, leaning my elbows on a metal work surface and resting my chin in my palms.

“And what would that be?” He asked without looking up from his computer, furiously typing in code without breaking eye contact with the screen.

“I say we wrap it up now and then I will personally come in early Monday morning at the crack ass of dawn to finish up our take on Widow’s gauntlets.” I pressed a hand to my heart to express my sincerity.

Bruce huffed out a breath through his nose and glanced up at me, narrowing his eyes. Okay, maybe he would not be accepting my very generous proposition. Waking up before 8 a.m. for me was asking a lot.

“Im assuming he’s getting in tonight?” Bruce asked and typed up his last string of code before shutting his laptop.

I smiled, and began furiously writing out a formula on my notepad so I could pick up from where I left off on Monday. I bit the bottom of the pen, thinking, before finishing my notes.

“The jet lands in about an hour and I really wanted to surprise him with dinner or at least take out.” Seeing as my husband knew they didn’t exactly teach me the culinary arts during my SHIELD training, he wouldn’t be shocked when he came home to a counter filled with our favorite chinese takeout.

“Alright, fine. Get outta here kid and go get ‘em.” Bruce patted me on the shoulder and shooed me away.

“Thanks, Brucey!” I hopped off the stool and ran towards my desk where I flung my labcoat on my chair and grabbed my overcoat, shrugging it on.

Before Bruce could change his mind, I bolted out the door and headed towards the exit of the tower, racing to get to the street so I could make my way to the market and gather a few things I knew he’d want. Of course, he’d want rocky road icecream, some cornflakes, and most likely pancakes for dinner.

After gathering some things at the store, I rushed back to the tower and took the elevator up to our assigned apartment level. Each New Avenger was assigned a whole floor level dedicated to them where the apartment was equipped with a large living room that opened to a sizable kitchen. We had three bedrooms and more bathrooms than we knew what to do with.

I quickly sat all of the groceries on the kitchen island and walked our dog before feeding the cat and getting to work on breakfast for dinner. He was lucky that pancakes were almost impossible to mess up because it was one of the only things I knew how to make. My husband was more of the chef.

I set up the dinner table and laid out multiple plates of pancakes, toppings, and various syrups that looked interesting enough to bring home. Checking the clock, I knew he’d be landing on the helipad within minutes and I watched through our floor to ceiling windows for any sign of a jet. I must have been very occupied with watching out for his plane to land because I didn’t hear our apartment door click as it opened.

“Whatcha lookin’ for, doll?” I turned to see my beautifully handsome husband, dropping his duffel bag in our foyer as I ran to him. I jumped into his arms and he caught me swiftly, wrapping them around me so tightly, I swore my ribs almost popped. I wrapped my legs around his torso and he palmed my thighs to keep us steady.

I would have pointed out that it was nearly impossible for me to knock him over, those super soldier muscles made him as rigid as a statue.

“I missed you so much, Bucky.” I squeezed him back and he placed kisses along my shoulder, up my neck, and followed his trail until he reached my lips. He kissed me softly and held me close, the warmth of his skin and thudding of his heart immediately setting me at ease.

“I missed you most of all, my love.” He kissed me again and then released me, placing his hands on either side of my head, his eyes roaming over face like he was assessing for injury.

I kissed his palms and tilted my head, observing how long his stubble had grown out and how his hair was an inch or two longer. I could have sworn his eyes were bluer but I supposed they had that effect when he was looking at me.

He had one gash starting from his left eyebrow and ending across his cheek. He had medical tape across the bridge of his nose and I could have guessed he had a few bruises elsewhere on his body. He would heal quickly and I knew better than anyone that there were occupational hazards but it was still unnerving. I frowned, rubbing my thumb gently over his wounded eyebrow.

“It’s nothing, baby. I’ll be fine.” He reassured me, pecking my forehead with soft lips.

I nod, clutching the collar of his jacket and smoothing the lapels. “I know. I just worry about you.”

“Thank you for your worries. I love you.”

“I love you! I made you dinner, if you’re hungry.”

“Oh?” Now he was the one worrying about whether I burnt something and I knew he was assessing the mess I had left on the kitchen Island. His eyes landed on the kitchen table and he pouted his lips.

“You made me breakfast for dinner?”

“I figured you’d want to have your favorite.”

“You're my favorite.” He shot me a cheeky smile, licking his lips like a wolf.

I rolled my eyes. “Save me for later, Mr. Barnes. We have all night.” I winked and a tinge of pink crept up his neck. He never failed to show his feigned innocence. He patted me on the butt, pulling me closer.

“That was a really sweet gesture, love. D’you pay someone to make all of that for you?”

I swatted at him and he winced in pain. I must have hit a bruise. “I’ll have you know I made it all from scratch with lots of love and very little frustration.” I smiled and he placed more kisses on my face before throwing me over his shoulder and spinning me around. We laughed so hard until he planted me on the couch, hovering above me.

“Thank you for all that, darlin’.”

“Anything for my favorite Avenger.” Just then, I could see a large furball running in my peripheral from our bedroom, barrelling towards us. Our large golden retriever, affectionately named Cannoli, jumped atop of us and attacked Bucky with wet, sloppy kisses. He had always been a sucker for his dad.

“Hey buddy. Hey, chill. I get it, I missed you too buddy. Oof.” Bucky giggled and my heart tightened. I had missed him so damn much.

“He’s been waiting for you to come home for days, ya’know. Kept sleeping by the front door and was resting his head on your favorite blanket.”

“I missed the little rascal. Did you behave for mama?” He asks the dog and pat his head, rubbing behind his ears.

“Well I do hate to tell you this now, but he ate through your expensive work boots.” I grimmaced and Bucky closed his eyes, shaking his head in disapproval.

“Naughty boy.” He said to Cannoli and the dog just cocked his head, panting heavily. “Where’s Alpine?” Bucky asked and I narrowed my eyes, searching for his cat.

“I think she’s in the guest room. I moved her scratching post there.” I walked over to the kitchen island, wiping up flour and splashes of egg yolk. “Want coffee or orange juice? I think we have some milk but I wouldn’t trust the expiration.” Bucky raised an eyebrow at me and gave Cannoli one more pet behind the ears before following me.

“I can make myself something, let’s eat dinner and then after we clean up, we can watch a movie before bed or something.”

“I like the way you think, Mr. Barnes.” We both leaned over the island and kissed before heading over to the table.

Throughout dinner, I noticed Bucky fidgeting with his vibranium arm, rotating it or clicking it in place every few minutes. It must have gotten uncalibrated during his mission somehow. It wouldn’t have been the first time it was messing with him.

I watched as he got frustrated, yanked off the arm, and slammed it on the table. I jolted in surprise and he rubbed a hand over his face, pinching his temples with his middle finger and thumb. I set my fork down calmly and let him take a few deep breaths to center himself before I placed a gentle hand on his, moving it away from his face.

My gut twisted as tears welled in his eyes, his face warmed and cheeks flushed. I had seen this before. When his arm would act up and he couldn’t complete simple tasks without it, he’d get emotional.

Rightfully so, he’d get upset and need a break whether that be with me or on his own. I couldn’t imagine how it felt to feel incapable of doing something that once came so easy to him. When his arm wasn’t working, he would have trouble with tasks like tying his shoelaces or putting a shirt on a hanger.

I watched as he’d try so ardently to complete a job before I wordlessly intervened. He would reply with a soft, embarrassed thank you and I would kiss his forehead, smoothing tears off his face. It broke my heart to see him feel so defeated.

To me, he was the strongest person alive. He had been through so much pain and torture and made it out to the other side. I could not be prouder of his triumphs and could not cheer him on louder as he persevered through hardships.

“Hey, baby.” I said softly and he attempted to hide his face from my view, most likely feeling inadequate as he had sometimes expressed to me in our late night chats tangled in one another’s embraces.

“I’m sorry.” He huffed out.

“For what, sweetheart?”

“I shouldn’t get that mad and slam things. It’s just-the damn thing has been malfunctioning the last few days and I am just so fucking fed up with the whole thing.”

“You don’t ever have to apologize for your feelings. They are so valid, Buck. I can’t imagine how challenging that must have been. Can I take it to the lab in the morning and work on it?”

Tears flowed down his cheeks and he ran his hand through his longer hair, pulling at the root. He bit his lip, looking resentfully at his vibranium arm and let out a small sob.

“I’m sorry you have to deal with this, Y/N.”

“I’m not dealing with anything. I love you and I support you, always. I’m going to take a look at the arm and we will get you back in tip-top shape.”

“I just feel so damaged. I can’t even pick up our damn plates at the same time. I’m useless and now you have to fix me like I’m some children’s toy that was ripped in half.”

“I’m not going to try to fix you, Bucky,” I hesitated, staring into his eyes while tears filled my own. “I don’t need to because you’re not broken.” Our eyes were locked in an intense gaze. My lip quivered and I could see the tears flooding his cerulean eyes threatening to spill continuously.

I got out of my seat and crouched beside his chair. He pivoted his body, looking down at where I knelt. I clasped my hand in his, rubbing a soothing circle in the back of his hand. A small purple bruise stained the soft skin and his knuckles were a bit torn up.

“You’re not broken, baby. Okay?”

“I feel like I am.”

“You can feel how you want. Everyone feels that way sometimes. I mean look at your team, they all have a past and things they need to work on. They all have trauma and have faced unimaginable hardships. But somehow, you all persevered and now you’re here together, saving the world.”

“None of them understands what it was like for me.”

“And no one probably ever will. Your circumstances are incredibly unique, my love. You went through some inconceivably horrible events. No person on this earth or beyond should have ever endured the things you have in your past. If I could personally go back in time and save you from that pain, I would in a heartbeat, baby. I would.”

“I feel like I’m a burden to you sometimes, I just feel like you deserve better than someone like me who suffers from all this PTSD, the nightmares, the stupid robot arm.” He motions to his arm resting on the table, glaring at it.

“That’s where you’re wrong. I suffer from some of those things too from my time at SHIELD and working with every Avenger that has walked through the tower doors. I will never, ever know what it’s like for you but I do know that you are worth my love. I will never judge you for your frustration or feelings, Bucky. That’s what makes us such a great team.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Wait, say that again so I can get that on camera. I’m thinking of making the sound bite my new ring tone.” I smirked.

Bucky shook his head, pulling me up with one arm to sit in his lap. “Yeah, yeah. Come here.”

I wiped away his tears, kissing his stubbled cheeks and threading my fingers through his hair as he closed his eyes, moaning at the sensation. “For the record, I like your robot arm. Your wedding band looks beautiful on that ring finger.”

His eyes shot open and mumbled under his breath. “Is this a bad time to tell you I lost my ring when I punched a Hydra agent two days ago?”

“What was that?!” My eyebrows furrowed in confusion, not quite hearing everything he said.

“I said I love you and I’m so grateful you’re in my life.” He squeezed me tightly, placing gentle kisses on my neck.