#spicybis

Idea #1:

Michael asks Jeremy what he and Rich were talking about when he first woke up

Jeremy gives a summary and Michael stares blankly at him

“So, now let me get this straight…” and then he points out how subtextually weird the conversation and progression of events was

“Feel free to correct me if i’m wrong but first he tells you he’s gay-

“-Bi-“

“-shut up i wasn’t serious, and then he asks you if you have a boyfriend, and then he asks ME if he stands a shot finding someone as great as you? I can’t tell what part of that makes me want to puke the most.”

During this accusatory recap, Jeremy insists nothing Rich said could’ve possibly said had any deeper meaning

“And, now I hope we’re both on the same page here, what do YOU think Rich was doing, Jeremy?’

“....He was hitting on me“ “

“He was hitting on you!”

they got on the same page eventually

“Try not to let him down too harshly man, he probably has feelings”

“Michael I’m not letting anyone down”

“Wait, you’re seriously gonna go out with him???”

“What!? No!”

Spoiler alert he does

Jeremy’s internally terrified at the prospect that the second guy he has ever been friends with is ever romantically interested in him and he gets psychoanalytical about it

Flash forward and he’s hanging out with Rich and Jeremy doesn’t realise he’s staring intensely at his face trying to find hidden flirting signals

“Hey man, are you feeling ok?”

“Me? Yeah, I’m great! Are you sure you’re feeling ok? Uh, not that you don’t look ok, you look goo- Fine! You look fine.”

“….Riiiiiight”

Then blah blah blah homo activity they like each other

Idea #2:

The whole idea is based entirely on “No man, you tell her that she excites you sexually!” and the assumption that this is actually what Rich would do (because it TOTALLY is)

Essentially a ‘5 + 1 things’ where Rich continuously makes sex jokes (in poor taste) directed at Jeremy, who gets pretty flustered but just accepts that this is Rich’s whole deal

In no particular order here are quotes I could use

“Jeremy you KNOW you can’t say things like that when we’re in public” (response to Jeremy suggesting doing something even slightly reckless and stupid)

“Jeez Queere, at least take me out to dinner first” (response to unintentional “sleeping with” phrase or Jeremy saying “Fuck you!”)

J: “Why didn’t you bring a jacket?” R: “And rob you of the view? Fat chance!”

Loading up a game on the switch: “Smash Bros, huh? Very slick.”

“Dude, chill with the death grip before you sprain something! If you want me to give you a helping hand later just say the word - no need to go and cripple yourself.” (response to Jeremy’s overzealous joystick abuse)

R: “Do you seriously wear bright green boxers?” J: “Well- yeah! What kind do you wear?” R: “Jeremy, if I take my pants off right now things are gonna get real awkward, real fast, trust me.”

that one is just because will connollys bright green boxers in trt make me laugh and no one has ever made a joke about that! wasted material

J: “Do they hurt? (about the scars)" R: “Nah, not anymore. What about you?” J: “Hospital said there was no lasting damage so..I guess I feel fine” R: “Weird. I figured you broke something when you fell from heaven”

Jeremy mentions off-hand that Rich makes a lot of comments like this and (maybe) Jake goes “Yeah, that’s just how Rich is. He was always good at picking up chicks because he’s so direct, but I don't think he actually knows how to ask someone out.”

In his infinite wisdom, Jeremy realises oh god that’s just how Rich actually flirts and it’s taken him like 4 months to get the hint so he needs to do something and FAST

Commence Jeremy making a very awkwardly timed sex joke and Rich practically beaming

Yeah yeah kiss kiss gay shit done

Idea #3:

Spideypool AU inbound! Random facts, plot points and possible scenes because this will likely not be a comprehensive story with a beginning/middle/end

They’re both probably around 20

Rich has had mutant abilities since he was 17 after he got trapped in a house fire and stuck in a coma, resulting in his mother paying for untested treatments to help his body recover. He did recover, except now he’s essentially indestructible and has powerful healing capabilities with an unfortunate case of constant phantom pain to boot.

His name is Jeremy Heere and he was bitten by a radioactive spider, and for the last 2 years, he’s been the one and only: Spider-Man.

When Jeremy’s parents split up, his dad wanted to move out of the house to forget about their old life and get a job in New York, so Jeremy moved with him to finish the last 2 years of high school there. Unfortunately, the same week he moved he got a nasty bug bite that just so happened to give him super-powers! Woah!

Michael is the only one who knows Jeremy’s secret identity, they talk long distance but previously he revealed it by total accident when Michael was staying over for the holiday and he tried to surprise Jeremy from behind, who then webbed him to the wall.

No one officially knows Rich’s identity, his parents don’t speak to him anymore but have their suspicions when they see Deadpool on the news. Technically Rich doesn’t have a civilian identity because after he was hospitalised the scientists involved in his mutation forged medical records that stated he was dead and he’s been living like that ever since.

In this universe, the Squip is a supervillain that wound up in Middlesborough, New Jersey after getting out of the hands of the US government. It started out as a CIA backed project for field use and then the employees went rogue and the programme was shut down. The main scientist behind the project (i’ll probably call him Dr. William Morris or something bc that’s funny) refused to go to prison and avoided capture by inserting his consciousness into the pills themselves. 3 prototypes were made total.

Sophomore year, it infiltrated the mind of Rich Goranski by dumb luck. They had to test it on someone “disposable” before moving forward with their plans. It tricked him into thinking it wasn't evil via making him popular (it was just biding time and building up its strength for 2 years to avoid being caught right away) and when Rich realised what was going on when it started talking about world domination, he set Jake's house on fire with him in it. Jeremy moved at the start of the year so, unlike in the musical, Rich did NOT give him the Squip but he did bully him all of Sophomore year.

The Squip was able to eject itself from Rich's body as a defence mechanism before it went through the intense radiation that caused him to mutate (he has burn scars like Deadpool but they’re from the fire and they’re on the entire left half of his body, including up to his cheekbone) but the physical pill was noticed by a doctor and the government got wind of it, taking the pill into custody and trying to figure out how these things work.

A year later, one of the scientists analysed clips of this new mutant “spider man” and decided that this was an ideal target to infiltrate a government building and upload a SQUIP pill into their supercomputers. Jeremy was approached in costume and told that this pill would help him predict a criminals moves before they could even move a muscle. Naturally, he had the classic spider man/venom arc where he thought it made him stronger (he was afraid to graduate high school as it was senior year and he wasn’t making any friends) when he was really just being an asshole.

However, Michael visits during a school break, and Jeremy blows him off in favour of staging rescues for Christine who’s attending a theatre program in the city. The fight about him being a violent piece of shit lately and using his superhero identity to try and get a girlfriend instead of save lives. Michael has a “pants song” moment with jeremy’s dad (who still doesn’t know jeremy’s spider man) and they’re able to take down the squip together with mountain dew red again like in the musical!

To be clear there are two ways to destroy a SQUIP in this universe: 1. drink mountain dew red to deactivate it or 2. put it in a situation where it ejects itself out of the users nose (either because it feels threatened or because it is trying to change hosts/attach to a computer like a USB) and then stomp on it to break the physical pill.

IN THE PRESENT DAY!!!!!! Jeremy Heere is a sophomore comp sci major at university in nyc who interns as the IT guy for the local news

Rich Goranski, after running away from the hospital in washington dc where they injected him with the mutation serum, made it his life’s mission to kill all the sick bastards who thought it was ok to experiment on dying children who couldn’t consent. he got pretty good at it and started getting requests for contract killings, which has lately brought him to new york city! so, after taking down the mutant scientists, hes searching for information about the people in charge of the SQUIP programme so he can take them down too.

The boys haven’t met yet! But everyone knows about their friendly neighbourhood spider man and jeremy spend enough time listening to police radars that he’s familiar with the merc with the mouth

STORY STARTS HERE!!!!

first meeting during bank robbery where one of the crooks is deadpools targets and jeremy gets pissed at him for literally killing a man in cold blood but they have to hide from the cops together in an alley

this is their get along shirt

jeremy goes home and calls up michael who gives him the basic rundown on what he knows about deadpool

“You guys are both famously really annoying so it’s not surprising you get along”

“We were not- GETTING ALONG!”

during class the next day day jeremy does research and writes it down in a book a la humiliation sheets

that day when deadpool sneaks up on him on patrol he pulls a “WOAH WHATS OVER THERE!” and then steals the book out of jeremy’s backpack and plays a game of keep away on some fire escape stairs

“woaaahhh notes for class? ok nerd…please tell me youre not a highschooler”

“they’re for college, dick”

“ok good the wedding is back on”

proceed to have several accidental run ins where jeremy threatens to arrest him at the end but never quite manages to (they secretly like having someone to talk to in costume)

dp tells jeremy his name is rich, he thinks nothing of it

civilian jeremy is on his way to work when right outside the news building deadpool gets int a fight with rhino. jeremy pushes his way to the front of the crowd and when the fight is over deadpool tins around and is star struck when his eyes land on the crowd. jeremy is super worried that deadpool knows his identity bc he goes “…jeremy?” and when jeremy’s like “what did you just say?” rich just coughs and goes “uh. i said nice weather we’re having. haha. bye”

when spiderman sees deadpool later that week (after they’ve both been avoiding eachother for different reasons) dp asks him what it’s like to have a civilian identity. they have a fight because rich thinks jeremy made a mistake WILLINGLY creating a super identity and jeremy thinks deadpool is a monster for choosing not to make money as a civilian and doing contract killings instead.

rich, naturally offended by this, builds up to an outburst where he says “oh yeah, you think i CHOSE to look like this?” and he his mask to show how “disfigured” he is (obviously it’s not that bad and it’s more his fear of being stared at that causes him to think this way).

jeremy stops in his tracks. he knows that face. rich uses this as a ‘gotcha’ moment assuming jeremy’s freaking out over how hideous he is, not over WHO he is. jeremy desperately tries to explain but rich tells him to leave him alone and books it.

the next day, jeremy is approached by a government employee, the president has asked spider man to look after his son who is acting strange lately. recalling the last incident, the CIA suspect he is being controlled by the Squip.

jeremy agrees to help because as part of the profiling they have a file on a middleborough high student who is believed to be the first victim and died in a house fire. when jeremy opens the file and sees the students face, he puts two and two together. he says he’ll sign their NDA under two conditions: he gets to tell the friend who helped stop the SQUIP the first time (michael) and he gets to ask deadpool to help this time.

he tracks down rich and asks him to help him stop the squip once and for all. rich should be all broody like you don’t understand what that thing put me through and jeremy’s like. uh yeah. i do! ditto!

so rich agrees to help after jeremy shows him the electrical scars on his neck from being shocked. things are still weird but they’re getting better because jeremy lies and says the reason he reacted like that to rich’s face is because he has already seen the file and thought rich was a dead squip victim.

this whole time jeremy has been updating michael daily via phone call and michael is always in disbelief like “jeremy. we agreed you should stay away from this guy. then you find out he’s your highschool bully - red flag - and you somehow stayed away from him LESS! why!!!!”

we know why

rich and jeremy spend the next week tracking the first son and trying to figure out if he’s equipped or not. the accidentally bond during these stakeouts and jeremy has to stare off into the distance like. no. no. no i don’t enjoy his company.

jeremy discovers rich has a lisp when he says the word assassin. not important but that’s important to me.

deadpool approaches civilian jeremy to apologise following spider man’s advice. he talks about rich in the third person as if he was “a friend of mine..” and explains that he was only ever mean to him because of the squip and implies it forced him to be extra cruel because rich had a crush on jeremy freshman year.

spiderman warms up to deadpool after this and rich notices (“damn who took the piss out of your cornflakes this morning?”)

anyway yes the president's son IS being controlled by the squip! who’s surprised. it fully takes over him like a vessel and uses its technological abilities to override the above ground subway systems to crash into eachother, killing about 20 people or if jeremy stops this from happening they will crash into some sky scraper, ensuring the survival of those on the trains but killing thousands instead, forcing an ultimatum because yeah his dad is on the train.

sorry guys i fear i am killing mr heere because jeremy is spiderman and i have to kill someone thats how it works and i wont do that to michael

some private moment occurs when jeremy rips off his mask to be with his dad before he fades out and rich now knows jeremy is spider man.

jeremy goes off grid for 2 whole days before rich shows up in civilian clothes for the first time at his apartment and forces his way in. he says he knows how it feels to think you have no one who would care if you died, so you might as well fight your opponents recklessly, because who cares if you get hurt? but rich knows jeremy has people who care about him because he’s one of them and jeremy is the last person on earth who has ever even come close to understanding him so rich NEEDED to come here and stop him before he does something he’s going to regret (aka fighting the squip all by himself)

michael takes the train in from new jersey to give them mountain dew red and to be there for his best friend

rich has a plan to defeat the squip if they can’t force the first to drink the mountain dew red: when the squip ejects itself from a host, it immediately tries to enter a new one. they discovered this when jeremy drank the mountain dew red and as the squip came out it grew weird creepy mechanical legs and weakly tried to crawl towards michael. rich proposes that when it ejects itself (since it won’t let itself get deactivated by the mdr) he should let it attach onto him and then jeremy will have to cut his head off. obviously killing him will sever any electric pulse, so the squip will get deactivated immediately and will fall out so jeremy can squash it once and for all.

safe to say jeremy does not like this plan! because it’s crazy and weird and makes no sense and its kind of just an excuse for the writer to use something from the deadpool comics!

doesn’t matter that IS what ends up happening, and when jeremy is screaming crying throwing up (even after finally getting rid of the squip) because rich is literally DEAD! he remembers seeing rich regrow a hand by reattaching the old one once so he tries it with his head and yeah they fuse and his heart starts beating again! yay!

couple days later in the secret wing of a nyc hospital guarded by CIA agents rich wakes up and is PISSED he didn’t get to make a “so no head?” joke and jeremy is only a little disappointed that he’s back to normal ❤️

in the aftermath, jeremy cracks a deal with the president: the US government will pay for his basic living expenses and forgive his student debt as long as he agrees to be their superhero-for-hire

jeremys one stipulation is that deadpool be given a new identity with a blank criminal record so he can live a normal life like everyone else.

They agree, and rich gets a one year probation period where he remains a free agent (as long as he’s not killing anyone for money), but once the 365 days is up he has to decide whether he wants to be a hero for hire like jeremy or become a regular citizen full time!

rich is not…brilliantly receptive and deflects by saying jeremy has a hero complex (yeah no duh dude he wears a suit) but then after jeremy flips the “im not losing you” and “only one who understands” stuff back on him, he admits he just thinks jeremy will get tired of him and then they’ll be stuck together and rich wont have any life to go back to again.

he does agree though! the power of being gay does wonders

i do actually have scenes written for this up to the first stakeout but it is old and bad ❤️ maybe i should get back to it…