#space needed

You all asked for the angst. I’m sorry…

Also line breaks signal a change in POV! 

Here’s Part 3 of the Runaway Saga 🙈

The fire crackles in the hearth, little snaps punctuating the still air. 

You’ve been sat there for the best part of an hour, waiting for him to say something. Anything. The blanket pools around your shoulders as Michael trudges by and dumps himself in the armchair. You can’t help but feel responsible, a sting of guilt running through your body. You were pretty much clueless, but that doesn’t stop Michael from throwing you the occasional sour glare. His hands are clasped together as if he’s praying to his father for strength. Michael Langdon gives off the air of a man on the brink, lost and dazed from recent events. 

You pick yourself up from the sofa and kneel before him, close enough to rest your hand over his, ‘I didn’t know.’ You’ve repeated it so often over the past few days, but Michael still flinches every time you bring it up. ‘I had no idea Jim wanted to take me away from you.’ 

His golden hair falls limply down over his shoulders, ‘I know. You don’t have to keep saying it.’ 

Your phone lights up, resting on the sofa. Michael’s palm opens and your phone flies into his palm before you can stop him. 

He checks the Caller ID - Jim.

The phone goes flying, smashing against the wall, ‘Michael!’

He scowls darkly at the cracked screen, ‘I despise liars, Y/N.’ You retrieve your phone, still vibrating but you can’t unlock it and you don’t try. Michael heads to the balcony, his hand clench the railings tight. ‘At least Jim was right about one thing,’ He mutters. ‘This place is pretty much hell.’

You join Michael outside, the view mostly tiled ceilings and the blue sky. You both can hear the waves smashing against the shore even though you can’t see them. The cold seeps into your bare feet, but you ignore it and wrap your arms around Michael’s back. ‘I know you want time,’ You begin carefully, pressing your lips to Michael’s neck. ‘But ignoring them will only make things worse. They aren’t going to stop trying to reach us and soon one will show up here.’ 

You await his reply, knowing that you have to be patient with Michael. It takes so much for him to reveal himself, the insecure boy that hides underneath his impressive figure. You occasionally kiss that little spot, watching the shudders roll up Michael’s spine. It’s a sensitive area, one that usually has his mouth running, ‘I entertained the idea.’ Michael admits, ‘After Jim took you, I thought about being selfish. What I’d do if it was just us, when the world is dead and I decide how things are. But-’

‘But we are a team.’ You finish, ‘A unit that loves each other.’ He doesn’t answer and a sliver of fear runs through you, ‘Michael?’

‘I thought so.’ 

‘They love you.’ You reaffirm, ‘Jim and Duncan, they’re just being stupid-’

‘Maybe.’ 

‘Do you know something I don’t?’ You ask, ‘Have you heard something?’ 

Michael turns round. His arms slide up your arms, Michael just taking you in. You meet his blue gaze and then your eyes flicker down to the tremble of his hips. Michael brings your head to his chest, his large hand cupping the back of your head, ‘They love you.’ He throws my words back at me, ‘They love you more than me.’

‘That’s not true.’ You say at once, your voice a little muffled. ‘Duncan-’ 

‘Duncan was mine.’ Michael cuts over you, ‘Before you came along, before Jim there was the two of us. I brought him out of a very dark place and he was mouldable and did whatever I asked. We fell for each other with ease, things were good.’ Michael swallows, ‘I was the one who wanted more.’ He’s fighting back tears now, ‘I pushed Duncan to try with you and now I’ve lost him.’ 

His words have a salt sting to them and you find yourself backing out of his arms, ‘Are you saying, I stole Duncan from you?’

‘That apartment isn’t for me.’ Michael’s conviction is strong, ‘If it was, he’d have done it years ago.’

‘You’re blaming me?’ The hurt is evident in your voice, ‘I didn’t ask Duncan to do anything.’

‘Just like you didn’t ask Jim to steal you away either.’ Michael’s voice rises, ‘But where did it leave me, Y/N? Do you ever think about anyone but yourself?’

You swallow back your fury, ‘Do you think I am here for the good of my health?’ You question, ‘Do you think I’d be sat here like a hermit for the past however many days if I wasn’t for you? No I am here Michael, because you couldn’t face the other two. Because instead of confronting them and hearing what they have to say you’d rather smash my phone and hide away like a child.’

‘I AM NOT A CHILD.’ Michael thunders, ‘HOW DARE YOU?’

‘I will not sit by and let you blame me for what has happened.’ You’re not going to be intimidated by the Antichrist, ‘Grow the fuck up.’ 

You shove past him, but Michael catches your arm, ‘Wait, Y/N. I’m sorry.’ 

Your eyes fall onto Michael’s hand, bare and almost foreign without the accompaniment of his usual rings. When you catch his eyes the tears have finally fallen, ‘I don’t know what to do.’ He confesses, ‘I thought they loved me.’ 

‘You’re jumping to conclusions.’ You try and reason with him again, ‘You don’t know that they’re feelings have changed till you speak with them.’ 

‘Do you love me?’

Michael has always been there for you, more than any of the others. He’s the one to make your problems go away, the one stay up with late at night, sharing secrets with your heads next to each other. He’s your safety and you’re his lifeline, the calm one who knows just what to say to calm him. 

You can’t let him go.

‘Yes.’ 

He sweeps you back in, cradling your head close. ‘I’m so sorry.’ He kisses you deeply, ‘I can’t lose you too. I don’t want to.’

You put enough space between your lips to speak, ‘But you have to speak to them.’ You order, ‘If you can’t then I don’t think this can keep going on.’

Yes, Duncan’s staying with Jim, only because he can keep tabs on the nasty little manipulator. 

Jim tosses his phone across the breakfast bar, ‘She still isn’t answering. Neither’s Michael.’

‘I don’t blame her.’ Duncan says, ‘Not after what you pulled at the beach.’

Jim scowls right back, ‘You’re just mad that I got there before you. Trying to steal Y/N away from us, sequestering her away in New York? Did you think none of us would find out?’

‘I didn’t buy that fucking place for Y/N.’ Duncan snarls, abandoning his croissant. He bites his lip, but Duncan can’t take back the words that just spilled from his lips. 

‘You think I’m buying that BS?’ 

‘It’s the truth.’ He’s fucked it already, he may as well as come clean. 

Jim’s mouth opens to retort, but it snaps shut as he thinks things over, ‘You bought an apartment for who then?’

Duncan can’t look at him, not at the boy before him, the one who looks so murderous. How he misses the fondness that Jim used to hold in his eyes for him, that spark of green amongst the blue. 

‘For Michael?’ Jim guesses.

‘No.’

‘I dunno then, for your own personal escape from us?’

‘For you, Jim.’

It takes Jim a minute to comprehend, ‘What?’

‘You can be so fucking dumb at times.’ But Duncan doesn’t mean it, he never means it when he shouts at Jim. But Jim has made things so difficult lately. It broke his fucking heart to find him gone with Y/N, that he couldn’t get there first and swipe his Beach Boy away. ‘You had to make everything so difficult.’ The word vomit is spilling forth again, ‘You thought it was for Y/N and you flipped. I get that, but it was for you. I wanted to take you away, to meet my parents.’ Duncan takes in a deep breath, levelling Jim with his gaze. ‘I wanted you to be my boyfriend Jim, exclusively.’

He drops his eyes and picks up his plate. Duncan dumps his half-eaten croissant in the trash and starts washing the plate for something to do. Jim is horribly, eerily quiet still by the breakfast bar. He checks his phone but there’s still nothing, Jim’s a creature of habit just like Duncan whose own hand fishes out his phone and checks the time, scrolls through his Twitter. Anything is better than the silence between them.

‘Dunc,’ Jim begins. ‘I had no idea.’

‘I know,’ Duncan keeps his eyes glued to his phone.

Jim slides off his seat and walks over to him. He confiscates Duncan’s phone and the Mogul lets him, finally peeking at Jim’s face to get a read of what he’s thinking. Jim looks devastated, his forehead creased as he takes Duncan’s hand in his and holds it to his chest. Duncan knows it’s not good news. 

He always did.

‘You know that for me it’s Y/N.’ Jim says, so quietly Duncan almost misses it. ‘It’s always been Y/N.’

‘I know.’ He repeats, the words robotic and not his own anymore. 

Jim kisses the top of Duncan’s hand, ‘I’m so sorry, Duncan. The foursome thing, it’s great and I would still go for it now and then because, well damn. It’s fucking amazing.’ He’s trying to reach him, to make Duncan laugh but his heart is being yanked in two and all Duncan can do is turn away, looking out at the beach of Palos Verdes from the open window. Jim’s hand is on his shoulder, ‘But I meant what I said about it not being enough. I can’t keep going on the way we are.’

‘Do you think she would be with you?’

It’s a loaded question, an unfair one. 

Jim swallows, Duncan hears the sound. ‘I hope that after the couple of days we’ve had, yes.’

‘Even though you lied to her?’

‘Well I haven’t been the only one have I?’

Duncan shoves himself away, he can’t hear the derision that is definitely there in Jim’s voice. ‘Fuck you,’ He spits, heading to the bedroom.

Jim gives chase, ‘Duncan I didn’t mean. I just meant that we need to talk things through, it’s all become so messy.’

‘No we could have been okay.’ Duncan says, still marching. ‘If you had just waited I could have asked you and that would have been it. We could have carried on or faced it, but Michael hates us both and Y/N’s with him doing God knows what.’ He grabs the door, ready to shut it but Jim sticks his foot in the way.

‘What was I meant to think?’ He asks, ‘Duncan, I don’t want things to end this way.’

‘Well it has to.’

‘It doesn’t.’ Jim reaches to stroke his face, to touch his stubble but Duncan pushes him back out of the way of the door.

‘Look you just didn’t think, Jim.’ Duncan says, ‘I know that but I also need to have time to cope with this.’

Jim frowns, ‘What are you saying?’

‘I’m saying I’m not going back with you lot.’ Duncan’s made up his mind, the ice encasing over his heart. ‘I still hold a special place for Y/N and Michael but I can’t carry on pretending I’m okay sharing you.’

Jim tries to reach him but Duncan shoves him even harder. Jim’s calm snaps, ‘You’re fucking leaving us?’

‘Like you weren’t gonna do it first.’

‘Duncan this isn’t right. I didn’t know about this!’

‘Well you should have thought about someone’s happiness other than your own.’ His vision is blurred with tears. Duncan doesn’t get upset, but Jim Mason has damn well done it. Jim tries to get through the door once more, but Duncan’s fist connects before he can stop himself. Jim smacks against the wall, the bruise forming immediately on his skin. Duncan sucks in a breath, ‘I hope Y/N’s smarter than you think she is.’ His voice is hoarse, damaged from the hurt, the regret, from Jim. ‘I hope to God she never goes near you again. Because you took all of our happiness away when you took her here.’ 

He closes the door on Jim and locks it. Duncan waits, listening for Jim to pick himself off the floor and head back downstairs. There’s silence and then a sound like a wounded animal, Jim shrieks, a fist hitting the door. ‘DUNCAN!’ He screams, ‘You can’t say that to me!’

Duncan holds his breath, he doesn’t dare answer. His own tears are blinding him as he rests his forehead against the door, ‘Go away, Jim.’ He whispers, ‘Leave me in peace, give me that.’

How Jim heard him, he’ll never know. But Jim falls silent at once and then there’s the sound of footsteps and then silence once more. 

Duncan hides in the bedroom for three hours before he can bring himself to stop being a coward. He steps into the living room where every sign of another person has been removed. Jim’s gone and all that’s left is a scrawled note, crossed out in three places from where Jim tried to convey his feelings. Duncan can make out the large, ‘SCREW YOU.’ blackened out on the top right corner. 

It’s simple but effective - Going to get Y/N. Don’t contact me again.

When Jim arrives he half expects Michael to fling him against a wall. He may have even done so, if Y/N wasn’t there. 

‘Come in.’ She says, opening the door wide enough for Jim to enter with his suitcase.

‘Thank you for letting me stay.’ He avoids Michael’s gaze out of guilt. Duncan’s admission burns inside him and Jim can’t bring himself to even think in the Antichrist’s presence. Michael stands there in sweatpants and a t-shirt, his hair tied back in a low bun. Babyhairs escape here and there, making Michael look the most unkempt Jim has ever seen him. He pushes them behind his ears out of habit, his blue eyes darting between Y/N and Jim. 

‘Where’s Duncan?’ He asks, ‘I thought he’d be with you.’

‘Not after recent developments.’ 

It’s then Y/N notices the dark bruise on his cheek, she gasps dramatically and cups Jim’s chin in her hand at once, ‘Did he do  this?’

Jim nods, the guilt rising like bile in his throat. The memory of Duncan’s fist flashes in his mind and all it takes is a wince from Michael to know he’s seen it. ‘Take a seat.’ He offers, leading the way to the sofa and sitting down himself. Jim knows the drill and sits next to Michael who rests his palm against Jim’s bruised cheek. Michael’s eyes slip closed, his voice chanting low and then it’s all over. Jim runs his finger down his cheek to find it smooth and healed once more, ‘Thank you.’

Michael shrugs, it’s nothing to him after all. As easy as levitating a book.

Y/N remains standing, ‘I can’t believe he’d hit you.’ She says, ‘What is he thinking?’

Jim can’t hold it in any longer, ‘He told me some things.’

‘What kind of things?’ Michael isn’t making things easy. Not that Jim expected him to, the Antichrist’s guard is way up high, like brick-wall high. Y/N deposits herself on the armchair beside Michael and Jim can’t help but notice how Michael’s hand caresses her thigh. It’s an obvious claim he’s staking on her, right in front of Jim. 

He can’t be the one to tell him. He can’t.

‘Spit it out, Jim.’ Michael snaps, ‘I assume you’re here to carry on your holiday.’

‘Don’t be callous,’ Y/N warns, shooting Michael a warning look. ‘What happened, Jim?’ He tries to find the words, but they just aren’t there. How can he tell them that Duncan wants only him?

He can’t.

‘Oh fuck me.’

Jim’s eyes close, fucking Michael.

Y/N looks between Michael and Jim, ‘What?’

Michael seems frozen, his eyes penetrating into Jim. He can’t look away, it’s as if Michael is burrowing into his every thought and then it’s like someone has taken a melon-baller and brought up everything Jim as repressing to the surface. Duncan’s declaration explodes at the forefront of his mind, right for Michael’s viewing. The Antichrist’s breath hitches and then he’s up, pacing back and forth. ‘I can’t believe it.’

‘I didn’t know how to say.’ Jim explains quickly, looking to Y/N for support. 

She takes Michael’s place on the sofa, her hand sliding across to take Jim’s. ‘What’s going on, Jim?’

‘I’ll tell you what’s going on.’ Michael’s voice is raw, the pain doubled from the strain Y/N’s heard over the past couple of days. Michael sucks in a shaky breath, but he can’t hold it. His shoulders hitch and right as the thought to do something hits, Y/N’s already beaten him to it. 

’Breathe, Michael.’ She encourages, squeezing his hands and maintaining eye contact. 

The jealousy rears in Jim, despite his best efforts to quell it. He slides off the sofa to join the other two, not wanting to be left out or forgotten. ‘It could just be temporary.’ He offers, ‘I don’t know.’

‘Duncan bought the apartment for Jim.’ Michael spits the words out as if they are poison. 

Jim can’t watch Y/N. He can’t bear to see her in pain and he pulls her into his arms at once, ‘I didn’t know.’ He says, ‘I had no idea he felt that way or I’d have never just took you.’

‘What?’ He can hear Y/N’s voice go up an octave. She escapes Jim’s grasp and wraps her arms around herself, Y/N’s face contorts horribly as she too tries to keep her emotions in check. Michael’s doing a slight better job, still furious but when Y/N breaks down, covering her face he’s over in a heartbeat. Michael kneels down before her, ‘Y/N. We’ll sort this.’

‘He loves you?’ She questions, peering through her fingers to look at Jim. 

Tears pricks his eyes too, watching the people he loves be torn apart, ‘Yeah.’ 

‘Oh my god, what?’ The tears fall down Y/N’s cheeks, fast and heavy. ‘He planned to leave us?’

‘I don’t know,’ Jim admits.

‘It fucking looks like it.’ Michael says, ‘He went behind our backs. Was he even going to tell us?’

‘He must have.’ Jim says, ‘Duncan wouldn’t just fuck off.’

Jim’s body flies sideways and then he’s pressed against the wall, held there by magic. Michael advances on him, his hand closing around Jim’s throat. ‘This is all your fault.’ He spits, putting a light pressure on Jim’s windpipe. 

‘What?’ Jim squeaks, scrabbling against Michael’s grasp. ‘I didn’t do anything Michael, I didn’t know!’ 

‘You found out about the apartment and you took Y/N away from me.’ He spits, ‘And now you’re taking Duncan too.’

’No!’ Jim’s eyes bluge, reaching out to Y/N. But she isn’t looking at the boys, her gaze is locked on her knees. Frozen. 

‘You can’t have her.’ Michael shouts, ‘I loved you. I loved ALL of you.’

‘I know.’

‘I WON’T BE LEFT BEHIND!’ Michael screams, dropping Jim. 

The Beach Boy crumples on the floor, but Y/N still doesn’t come to help him. ‘Y/N?’

‘Get out.’

He blinks, Jim’s vision a blurry mess from Michael’s assault. Did he hear her right? 

Y/N lifts her head up, ‘GET OUT JIM!’

Jim picks himself off the floor, scurrying over to her. ‘Baby, please. I never meant-’

‘I know but I can’t see you right now.’ She cries, trying to wipe at her eyes. 

He produces a tissue from his pocket, wiping away at her face, ‘No, Y/N. Please don’t shut me out. All I want is you.’

‘You’re a fucking prick.’ Michael hisses, ‘You never loved me.’

‘Michael this isn’t just about you.’ Jim snaps, but he wishes he hadn’t. Why can’t he keep his mouth shut anymore, ‘This affect all of us. Our entire fucking lives.’

‘Too right it does,’ Michael fires back. ‘I’ve given up my cause for you all.’

Y/N’s just starting to get her breathing back under control, ‘We can’t lose Duncan.’

‘I think we have.’ Michael and Y/N’s eyes slide right to Jim, ‘I told him not to contact me.’

‘Oh, Jim.’ Y/N breathes, ‘But he loves you.

‘And I love you.’ Jim knows it in the depths of his heart, ‘I’m sorry, Michael. It’s not that I don’t have feelings for you, or Duncan and I may have said something things to both of you but-’

‘Don’t bother.’ Michael says, ‘I can take the hint. I’ll leave you two alone.’ 

Y/N reaches out for him, ‘No, Michael.’

But the Antichrist is gone, disappearing down the hallway. 

Y/N scrubs at her eyes, ‘So Duncan’s gone?’

‘I don’t know.’ Jim admits, ‘It’s all one big mess. I proved that I loved you when I took you with me and I told him not to contact me. Can you forgive me for lying to you?’

It takes her a while but Y/N slowly nods, ‘Never again, Jim.’ She says, ‘You can’t lie to me about anything.’

Jim takes her hand, ’I won’t.’ He kisses her forehead, earning himself a watery smile that disappears.

‘But I won’t leave Michael.’ 

He fights the rage surging once more, ‘Why?’

‘Because he needs me.’ She says, ‘And I love him, Jim.’

‘But you love me too.’

‘I love all of you.’ Y/N confesses, inspecting the marks Michael’s fingers left around Jim’s neck. ‘But this just isn’t working out.’ 

Fear grips him, ‘What do you mean?’

Y/N’s reached some kind of decision. Jim can see it and his stomach turns to lead, ‘I won’t abandon Michael for anything.’ She resolves. 

That’s it. The blow that crushes him, that snaps Jim in two. 

‘You’re leaving me?’ Jim’s sobbing before he can stop himself, ‘You’re choosing Michael Langdon? The fucking Antichrist?’ 

‘Stop it.’ Y/N hisses, ‘As if you care who he is.’ 

Jim hasn’t stopped holding her hand, ‘We have the chance to get out of this and live a life together.’ He urges, ‘You and me. I meant what I said, Y/N. About a family and everything.’

‘And where does that leave Michael?’

‘Why does he matter?’

‘Because you’re meant to love him too, Jim.’ Y/N voice rises, ‘Or was it all an act? Did you fake it just to get me because I can’t deal with you telling me that.’

Jim’s speechless. At first, maybe. But yes, feelings were caught and then the resentment started.

Y/N takes his silence as confirmation, ‘I need you to leave.’ She orders, ‘I need time to think.’ Jim shakes his head, but Y/N tugs her hand out of his grip, ‘If you love me, you’ll give me this.’

Y/N found him later in the bedroom. Michael’s curled up in the fetal position, his hair half coming out of his bun. He doesn’t care about it anymore. He feels numb, as if he can’t breathe properly. It’s the worst feeling he can ever imagine, worse than when his Grandma threw him out, worse than Ben Harmon’s rejection, perhaps even worse than when his Mrs Mead was murdered. ‘Oh my darling,’ He knows Y/N is there and chokes back the most pathetic sob when she wraps him up, spooning herself against him. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Why are you so good?’ Michael mumbles, ‘You should go, be with Jim.’

‘I don’t want to.’ She kisses him behind the ear, right on his devil’s mark. It tingles, just as it does every time Y/N kisses him there. ‘I’m staying right here.’

‘You’d risk a chance for happiness for me?’ Michael asks.

She doesn’t answer at first, ‘I love you all.’ She states, ’But clearly this foursome hasn’t worked out. Feelings have caught, all round.’

‘Not me.’ Michael’s adamant in that, ‘I still fucking love Jim despite everything. I love Duncan, how could I not?’ He rolls over onto his back so he can look at Y/N, ‘I love you so much.’

Y/N catches Michael’s hand, kissing his palm. ‘We need to take a break.’ She says, ‘All of us.’

‘No, Y/N please.’

‘I’m not leaving you.’ Her voice is firm, ‘I would never. Not after this, but a relationship just isn’t healthy right now darling.’

Michael swallows down his pain because she’s right. It doesn’t stop the tears from coming again, ‘So what does it make us?’

Y/N rests her head on his chest, ‘I don’t know.’ She says, ‘Something more than friends but not quite lovers.’

‘That doesn’t sound good.’

She laughs, ‘I told Jim to give me space.’

‘Good.’

‘I think I’m going to tell him the same thing.’ Y/N decides, ‘I don’t think we should see anyone for a while.’

He thinks it over long and hard, Michael’s fingers weaving their way into Y/N’s hair. She’s all he has left, so loyal. The only one to truly love him.

‘I think’s wise.’ He lets a tear drop down his face and watches it land in Y/N’s hair, ‘Jesus Christ my whole world is falling apart.’

Y/N nudges her head up, meeting Michael in a kiss. ‘Well let’s hope there’s still a chance to put it back together. For all of us.’ 

My current creative space is in a large open plan dining room, and I do not live alone. And while I love the light from the huge picture window, and the side window, plus the room to house all of my art supplies, I don't like knowing that the process could be witnessed. This is partly a lack of confidence, but it's also a feeling of embarrassment. I can't draw for shit. Learning to do it would be lovely, but it gives me literal panic attacks when I try.

I don't want to make art at my art desk. I want to do it here at my computer desk in my room. But there's no room to do it. My room is tiny and only just houses a bed, a dresser, and a computer desk.

I do have a digital art tablet (Huion Kamvas 16 (2020 version)) but I'm used to traditional media and the hurdle to go digital is mountainous for me.