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I want to encourage everyone to not feel guilty if you experience joy/happiness/fun at this time. It’s okay for both grief/sadness and joy/happiness to exist at the same time. It does. Everyday.
That dichotomy exists and it’s there. It’s not bad. It’s not good. It’s there and it’s okay.
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tw for p*do*ll*a discussion and sportasteph
While I don’t anticipate this being necessary, I still feel a need to tell you guys something that I did recently bc I don’t want there to be any confusion if it ever comes up again. This is not meant to be a callout post for this person. Rather I want it to be a statement of my behaviors and actions (which i do not regret). To fully understand the events, it requires context, and so this does come off as a callout post very strongly and I apologize to you guys and to ltofc for that.
I ran across @lazytownoutofcontext’s blog from a tumblr suggestion. Their blog appeared entertaining, so i read the about page in anticipation. When I found out they ship sp*r**s***h, I was very disappointed. The more i reflected on it, the more angry and passionate I got over that ship in general and how pe**ph**ic it is. And bc they were the only fan of that ship that I knew of at that moment, I unconsciously channeled those emotions towards them by sending them this:
There is no healthy way to ship Sportasteph. Aging up Stephanie is just an excuse your brain is using to justify the ship without calling it what it is: pe**p*i**a and inc*st**usn*ss considering they're practically like father/daughter.
This was not sent anonymously. I don’t see it as hate myself, but I can see how it could be defined that way if you want and I accept that. The simple facts are: I hate pe**p*i**a, and that message was sent with high emotions running.
About 17 hours later, I got word of at least a couple of people receiving anon hate. And bc I had no idea what kind of person ltofc is, i got really worried that they might have sent those. I was afraid that what I had sent was a prompting event for these hate anons and so then I was indirectly responsible for them. So blood rushing and heart thumping, I sent that second one:
“I don't know if it was you, but if you're sending hate anons to people in the lt community bashing sportarobbie and using stefan's name bc i ‘bashed’ sportasteph, send them to me, not them.”
I didn’t want anyone else getting hurt bc of me. Turns out that that was never the case.
Some time passed and I heard no response. The next day I thought to send it again over dm bc people tend to notice and reply to those sooner and more often, and yes they eventually replied to that one a day later:
“10sportacus10: you’re not sending anon hate, are you? lazytownoutofcontext: I do not I rarely look up to this page of mine tbh. plus I never send any anon messages. never ever. 10sportacus10: oh ok, thanks for responding lazytownoutofcontext: no prob. I hope you will find out who that is.”
Note that this has been 2 days after I sent the ask with the same question. Then just today, 2 weeks later, I got a reply to the ask i sent, which is too long for me to care to type out here. I’m sorry, but here’s a link (and an image in the link at the end):
https://lazytownoutofcontext.tumblr.com/post/173007820103/i-dont-know-if-it-was-you-but-if-youre-sending
Mb ltofc thought I sent this recently, but i did not. And that catches us up to now (4/14/18 8:30pm est).
After all this, I see that it was all a waste of time. I think it’s best to block and move on bc a sp*r**s***h shipper is only going to make excuse after excuse to try and justify the ship when no matter the reason shippingg sp*r**s***h is pe**ph**ic. Period. By that i mean romantically or sexually. really anything beyond friends, mentor/student, father/daughter, or any other platonic relationships of that nature.
images related to this: --> x
if there are any questions, i will answer them tonight, but after that, no more. I am letting this go and moving on.
In group therapy, we were talking about addictions and how DBT addresses them. And at the end we were encouraged to think about an addiction we have, and my first thought went to LazyTown, and i had an existential crisis and was so anxious all week until private therapy and I asked her if LazyTown was an addiction and her response was, “You’re Sportacus! LazyTown is like..”
“..a part of me.”
“Yes! It would be unrealistic for you to cut LazyTown out of your life.”
And that definitely made me feel better. She also explained that addictions could occur somewhere within that (like mb too much tv? or too much time in front of the computer? she didn’t specify anything bc she wants me to decide these things for myself), and the important thing to remember is that an addiction is a repetitive behavior that is harmful.
For me, LazyTown in and of itself is not harmful at all; it’s a part of who I am.
Reviewing notes from the last DBT group. My personal focus this week is picking apart my judgementalness. What am I judging? Where does the judgementalness come from? How does it serve me? How does it hinder me? I reserve the brunt of my judgementalness for myself, but I do end up judging others sometimes, just not as badly. So I want to practice having more nonjudgementalness. That and we started getting into Emotion Regulation. Definitely something I want to improve on as well.
Skattle: *kneading the back of my legs*
Me: *crying* i have to pee.....
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Seriously considering leaving my second job!! :D
Yeah, I’d have to tighten my belt some but I think it’s worth it!! Can you imagine??? No more going to bed at 1am! And instead going to bed at 10pm (or 10:10 for kicks and giggles cbdhska) and waking up by 8am at the latest! I’D HAVE MY MORNINGS BACK!!!
No more 50-55 hour weeks! I could actually complete all my personal business (taxes, cleaning, making appointements, and all the other things that come with independency). Rn, the’re piling up even despite my efforts to chip away at them as much as possible. I’d have more time to spend on them!!
Mb I’d have time to take up a sport for a hobby like i’ve been wanting for months!
I just feel like the benefits outweigh the losses. I’d be so much happier, and it’s a good fit for me as far as having a healthier lifestyle goes! I still have to look at what scenario I’d likely be facing as far as finances go, but I think I can do it!
Great News on the personal side of things!
I don’t have to tighten my belt as much as I thought I’d have to and I can afford internet again! ^_^
this is gonna expose my ignorance but I’m not sure if this is a volley ball or soccer ball. I bought it assuming it was a soccer ball but now that i’ve examined it some more, it feels like the volley balls i’ve played with in the past.
Either way,,, IT MATCHES MY AESTHETIC!! I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE THE 10 UNTIL NOW!!!
I want to repaint it at some point!!
EDIT: ok, it’s def a soccer ball! jlasdhfjl. My name might be Sportacus, but we all have to start somewhere!
