#sorta negative

when i was too young,

i was given a funeral shroud. 

it was made with love:

my mother and father tenderly drove

every need and pin

into place.

it looks like it fits well

because it fits like a hospital gown

and ties at the back

of my neck.

sometimes i wear it all day. 

I worked for a month and it seems the place I was working at (the one I talked about basically a month ago) doesn’t seem to want to keep me unless they pay me less. How much less Idk. I feel that my reaction didn’t please my boss so I’m really doubting that they keep me in the end. They told me to rest this week and probs next one too and then they’ll probably hire me for another 15 days and make me rest again and so on, but yeah I kinda don’t want that because I want a stable job. I feel that I’m being treated like a trainee designer when I already proved them I’m much more than that. So, yes, that’s worrying me. Being unemployed again so soon is stressing me.

Second, my relationship seems to be upgrading, since I graduated and all, I feel bf is getting anxious. We had a big af fight last sunday about a really stupid thing, that lasted until tuesday. It was emotionally draining and I was already hormonal and unstable because my period was coming...we were able to solve it, but lately I feel that he’s harder to reach and harder to understand. Today we finally talked about what’s bothering him and he said a really hurtful thing but thankfully I feel a lot more stable today so I was very calm about it and we managed to talk it out and solve it. I feel we did great today. I feel I could understand him better and that my words finally reached him. I wish things start improving. IF ONLY he would not demand sanity from me when I’m unstable, I seriously can’t, today I explained that and I think he finally understood. Well that turned out fine ofc, but it was hellish while it lasted.

And ofc dearest manga hasn’t been helping, I srsly don’t think that what happened in these last weeks was that bad but I’m running short on patience. It’s hard to enjoy a story that destroys everything you love. Even if it’s a process to goodness, some things that really hurt have been said and done. I’m just hoping dearest manga author fixes things because I know that she’s good at it, but I also can’t fully trust because I’m too emotional. This is why I’m dropping it unless something really good happens. I’m dropping the spin off too. Not because it’s bad and it’s def not hurting me, I think its writing is even superior and I love it but I need a rest >+o. I’m ded. I’m too focused on it and that’s harming me. I give it a month maybe, unless something cool happens first.

Sadly even some people I know have considered me toxic for my opinions on this manga and I developed guilty feelings for expressing my opinions which is so wrong and I’m mad at myself for having them. I will express my opinions, I never insult anyone when I express myself so I don’t think anyone should feel offended about what I have to say.  I srsly just want that everyone has fun and since I’m not I’m doing my own stuff to also have fun. Hence all that indulging, basic and, I admit, boring artwork.  I’m a boring person that draws the same thing over and over again.

Then again, I feel I don’t belong here anymore and that I’m being judged and left behind. It’s sad because once I feel I was someone here (someone part of the fandom I guess) but now I feel like I’m a nuisance. And now I’m even doubting if some friends that I made in this fandom like me anymore. It makes me want to run away and never speak to them again.

On the bright side, because today I feel a lot better, thus I’m writing this to leave these feelings behind, I’ve met a lot of lovely new people and I’m very comfy in our silent secret corner, in which everything is fun and they are so lovely. Telephone otp thing was also a good idea. I suck at socializing but the sight of people talking so lively to each other and having fun definitely cheers me up and encourages me to continue with my projects in this fandom.

Also is it during these kind of bad days that those who are your real friends stand out and just knowing they are there makes everything recover at an amazing speed ♥.  And you my guys if you are reading this long thing and still feel positive about me and what I post. Thank you. I say a lot of bs but I appreciate every single action of support, everything, everything makes me happy: follows, notes, reblogs, comments, asks (even tho I can’t reply immidiately). If you are having fun here despite my latent negativity, then my work here is done. Thanks to everyone that is still here with me. I don’t think many people will read this because it’s too personal, but I’m gonna make sure to make another post thanking everyone soon.

It’s late and I should sleep. Blessings to you all! I may fall but I swear that I will always stand up to step on the corpses of those who like to see me fall.

Considering I have been busy with classes for these past few weeks..barring the fact I am constantly dealing with other matters like daily life, chores, anime club, and occasionally gaming. I am putting this out here until classes are done. I personally am sorry but... someone tells me that I lack the right time and motivation for all this and..he’s right

Doesn’t help that I’m feeling rather low in confidence when it comes to my OCs half the time when they aren’t being poked or prodded they just seem to not shine as much. I want them to be noticed... not to collect dust and be forgotten.