#sorryifyoureadthis

Maybe I’m just feeling a little bit more upset about this than I normally would be because it’s cold and rainy outside, and I’m sleep deprived as hell (I got somewhere around 2 hours of sleep last night). But so far, this has turned out to be one of the most depressing birthdays I’ve ever had. I had dinner all by myself because none of my friends had time to go with me and I have a crap ton of school work to do this weekend so that I don’t fall behind after I have surgery to fix my broken wrist next week. This is definitely not how I planned on spending my 20th. Oh well! Life’s a bitch sometimes. I’ve just got to get over it and move on.

so the other day my friend said to my other friend "you're not wearing makeup today." and I told him that could be taken as offensive. everyone was like oh no he didn't say she looked bad! but I know that I would be offended because why would he have to say that. it's just an observation I guess but maybe I am just too sensitive. I can't even not wear makeup to school because I'm too scared of people. it's high school, someone is bound to say something and I doubt any of it would be positive. it's like when someone says "you look tired." okay, they might mean that in a "oh I'm concerned did you not get enough sleep?" kinda way but I take it in a "wow!! everyone look at this chicks huge bags under her eyes EW did you even try this morning?" kind of way. maybe I am just too sensitive. today my friend was talking about this guy she liked and was all "yeah I think he must be gay." and she said it a few times without really saying why. I couldn't tell if she was saying it derrogatively, but either way I also think that is wrong, because I know how I would feel if people were going around saying, " oh I think she's a lesbian, she's never had a boyfriend." and again everyone got annoyed with me because they didn't find it rude to speculate if someone is gay or not. I guess you could say the moral of this story is that I apparently overthink things, I am overly sensitive, and I care oodles too much about what people think about me.

It makes me sick. It makes me want to just leave and go to a different country with him to escape and build our own lives so she can't stalk him and send him 30 text messages a day calling him awful names and continuing to exclaim that she's cutting him off and it's all my fault. I can't handle the constant nagging about how awful I am and how I've ruined her son just because she's so crazy that she can't handle her son loving anyone else. No longer can I hear that her friends think cole and I should break up and that we're both fucking stupid and bitches and brats. It's not okay. I don't let people my age treat me like this, so why am I letting her ass? Well, I'm not. I'm done. She's blocked from everything and cole will be moving out on his own. Paying all his own bills. We'll both be working so he can survive just to get away from this toxic woman that needs to be in a psych ward. I can't take more of it. She hurts cole more than she could even fathom and I will not stand for it anymore.

I've never felt like this in my entire life. I have no idea what's wrong with me I'm just sad about everything and I don't enjoy anything anymore and I have no motivation to do anything and I've been crying myself to sleep for the past 3 months I just I don't know I don't feel like myself and its scaring me