I didn’t like leaving everyone or deleting or even going through this process. It’s really emotionally draining, and I feel really bad for doing it. I think I should be honest and...I guess do some vent posts or something and delete them later for the sake of keeping my anxiety and fears from hijacking my mind. Though, I’ll share this much though; I did feel worthless and boring compared to everyone else. Everyone is having so much fun exploring their hobbies or themselves...and all I got is schoolwork and who wants to hear that? Though I know this is a personal issue that I must resolve, my mind scares me into thinking that if I stray away from doing “what’s right” then I’ll be ruining my life and end up back hiding away in my room, feeling miserable again and I don’t want that ever again. It’s not anybody’s fault, but something I struggle with, ever since I was a child. I don’t do this for attention, if anything, I out right hate this. So many people here who listen and given me the time of day and...I mess it up. I think that’s what hurts the most, that I not only do it to myself, but others as well. I can’t keep thinking that all I do happens in a vacuum; it doesn’t and there are other people’s feelings that I have to take into account before doing something so drastic. I think that’s the big change here; it’s not longer just about me. That’s why I did a lot of thinking and wondering of what was going on in my head and it all came out when i talked with my mother and I told her how I felt deep down inside; the feeling of utter worthlessness and the feeling that no matter what you do, it’s never good enough. I cried so much that my face was drenched in tears and my face was a bit numb, but it felt so good to let it all out. It felt like a burden had fallen off my shoulders and I was real with myself in that moment. I didn’t hide, run or try to bury the feeling with some toxic thought; instead I let it out and with it, I was able to make sense of the feeling.
I always compare myself to others and how they are “normal” compared to me, but I don’t think that’s true. I have a different way of interacting with people and, sure, I am strange, but I don’t feel anymore that I’m hopeless in finding myself. If anything, I think I’ve come to feel comfortable with myself and with it, I hope, I can start to be the person I always was deep down that I buried out of fears and sadness. I thank you all for your patience with me, believe me, I’m sorry for how I acted, but I do feel relieved and...if I ever do need someone to talk to, I’ll be sure to reach out. After all, that’s what friends are for, right? Even if I’m not used to it.
