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Yes yes highbrow literature but also SO much rudery. Here are Shakespeare's 8 dirtiest moments in honour of the bard's birthday.
Good morrow and well met, for we have scraped together 8 of the dirtiest bawdy (bardy) moments from ol' Shakey-pants' work.
Don't act so surprised. It's always been about the dick jokes, y'all. Do you know us but at all?
So, adjust your ruff, pull up your cross-gartered stockings, and let's get the fuck into it.
1. Much Ado About Nothing
Right from the title weāre dealing in double entendres. āNothingā is Elizabethan slang for vagina so it basically means: āa lot of fuss about pussyā. Cool.Ā
Then almost immediately, our first introduction to one of the protagonists alludes to him being a walking venereal disease: āIf he have caught the Benedick, it will cost him a thousand pound ere a' be cured.āĀ
In return, Benedick swears he will never āhang my bugle in an invisible baldrickā and on it goes for 5 acts. Even BeneDICKās eventual declaration of love includes a sex pun. āI will live in thy heart, die (orgasm) in thy lap, and be buried in your eyes.ā Stay classy, guys.Ā
2. Romeo & Juliet
Just your regular tween romance in which thirteen-year-old Juliet monologues repeatedly about how much she wants to get Ro-Ro into her bed. Even the classic āa rose by any other nameā speech includes the line: ānor hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor any other part belonging to a manā fnar fnar.Ā
Oh, and she also dies (slang for orgasm) asking for his āhappy daggerā to rust inside her āsheathā. Yeah yeah, itās a tragedy, but itās also sex ānā death right to the end.
3. Twelfth Night
Malvolio is the king of (accidental?) debauchery. While reading a (forged) letter from the lady he fancies, he declares: āBy my life, this is my ladyās hand. These be her very Cās, her Uās and (N) her Tās, and thus makes she her great Pās.ā Yes, that is how you spell **** and weāll let you figure out the P bit.Ā
Heās also responsible for the most misquoted line by wannabe motivational speakers everywhere: āSome are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness THRUST upon āem.āĀ
Yes, heās talking about his dick.
4. Hamlet
To be or not to be whatever, but just imagine trying to sneak āc*ntry mattersā past the censors today:
HAMLET: Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
OPHELIA: No, my lord.
HAMLET: I mean, my head upon your lap.
OPHELIA: Ay, my lord.
HAMLET: Do you think I mean country matters?
OPHELIA: I think nothing, my lord.
HAMLET: Thatās a fair thought to lie between maidsā legs
Reminder that ānothingā also means vagina. Thatās a double whammy in the space of 7 lines. Kudos, sir.Ā
5. Sonnet 20
Elizabethans loved a nice bit of androgyny, and never more so in this poem whereby Shakey talks in detail about how his (male) patron is soooo pretty and delicate and feminine AF and heās super totally into that even though nature added āone thing to my purpose nothingā (psst heās talking about the guyās cock) and āprickād thee out for womenās pleasureā (still talking about cock) but thatās ok cos all the laydeez will āuseā his ātreasureā (cock).Ā
Mm hmm.Ā
Cue all the old man scholars arguing for several hundred years that there was absolutely nothing gay about any of this lol bless.
6. The Taming of the Shrew
An otherwise irredeemable play contains this arse-licking zinger:Ā
PETRUCHIO: Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail.
KATHARINA: In his tongue.
PETRUCHIO: Whose tongue?
KATHARINA: Yours, if you talk of tails: and so farewell.
PETRUCHIO: What, with my tongue in your tail?
No further comments, your honour.
7. Henry V
Ok, buckle in for some Franglaise as the French Princess Catherine practices her English in preparation for marrying Henry, mispronouncing various body parts in a hilarious display of casual xenophobia. But the tables turn beautifully and profanely when she asks her maid the English word for ārobeā and is told ācounā (gown) which sounds a lot like⦠uh⦠See you next Tuesday.Ā
Yep. Shakespeare really got the future queen of England to say c*nt live on stage. Bravo.
8. Titus Andronicus
Aaaaand possibly the first recorded ye olde yo mama joke:Ā
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Sonnet 20: A womanās face with natureās own hand painted BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
A womanās face with natureās own hand painted
Hast thou, the master-mistress of my passion;
A womanās gentle heart, but not acquainted
With shifting change as is false womenās fashion;
An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling,
Gilding the object whereupon it gazeth;
A man in hue, all hues in his controlling,
Which steals menās eyes and womenās souls amazeth.
And for a woman wert thou first created,
Till nature as she wrought thee fell a-doting,
And by addition me of thee defeated
By adding one thing to my purpose nothing.
Ā Ā Ā But since she pricked thee out for women's pleasure,
Ā Ā Ā Mine be thy love and thy loveās use their treasure.