#sollyheavy

(I got like a jillion trains of thoughts thinking about pairings.  None of them are canon ingame.  So like, everything is kinda in an AU anyways?  There’s pure “lol buttsex AU’s” where everyone is bunging everyone in the middle of a war cuz that’s what manly men do, then there’s like “~*realistic AU’s~*~” where maybe a few people have relationships and it’s more focus on exxxxtREME PRO GAMER platonic friendships n feelings n shit.  

Just uh.  Something I feel I need to say lolz before we get into Engie/Medic’s wonderful butt machine boyz.  That’s just in the lol buttsex AUs ^_^ DISCLAIMER: I don’t actually think Engie n Medic’s characters are serial anal lubricators!  I know Scout doesn’t have sex with Spy in canon!  Sowwie if u think it’s out of character or that i’m gross and over sexual!!!!!  it’s just fun to draw!!!!!!!)

Engie + Medic + ???

These two work so well together…both Engie and Medic often get relegated to the soft pure nice boyos, which is FINE.  It’s FINE.  But they’re both totally kinda evilly sadistic.  I think this is a pairing that I actually prefer as a threesome with someone else involved, cuz I feel like they like another subject other to test things on  Plus I’m really into the tag team dom aspect, Engie and Medic stay completely clothed while they’re torturing conducting totally ethical experiments on their patient.  Engie helps Medic manufacture tools, rig the ropes n stuff.  And Medic often procures their patient, as well as taking care of physical hands-on stuff n’ aftercare.  Ding ding!

I’m rather fond of Engie/Medic/Spy as well!  I like Engie/Spy, and I like Medic/Spy.  So smash em together and we get one crying, overstimulated French baguette sandwich with extra Texan hot sauce and German johnson tomato slices.  Like, ya prime targets as a Spy are gonna be Medics and Engies, right?  They gonna bap you back, man.  Ubersaw and Wrench 100% crit rate.

Soldier + Heavy x Medic

oooh you expect this to be a pervy one?  NOT THIS TIME this one hits me in my shriveled prune heart.

As I said earlier, I’m totally inspired by

ntg_kiyoyakko‘s doujin “C’mere Sweet Heart” for this dynamic.  It’s so fucking adorable man.  And it’s almost all completely based on in-game interactions, which is quite special cuz you don’t need to know the context of SFMs or comics, just play the game for 5 mins and  you’ll feel left out as a Soldier while the Hoovies get pocketed and ubered ;~;  Plus the Pocket Medic cosmetic, man.  Soldier canon makes his medals, it’s not too far of a stretch he would make his own Medic doll.

As for what Solly could do to compete with Heavy?  Gosh, he tries so hard but it ain’t perfect y’know?  The bond between a Heavy who’s given his Sandvich or banana to a Medic is so strong, Medic always appreciates Heavy’s snacks.  Soldier’s battle cries are only kinda useful to Medic, and the Disciplinary Action doesn’t help Medic that much either ;~;  Of course Meem appreciates Soldier’s gestures, but he doesn’t realize where they come from.  Solly’s just another patient on the battlefield.  And Soldier’s too oblivious to see that Medic and Heavy have a special bond.  Poor puppy Soldier chan~ ;~;

Scout + Spy + Scout

THIS SHIT’S MY FAVORITE THREESOME.  Who could have expected this shit, huh?  One Scout’s annoying enough to Spy, two is absolutely insufferable.  Little Scunts running around yelling for attention and tryna get more of Spy for himself.  Doesn’t really matter the team dynamic, really.  Could be BLU Spy and two RED Scouts, or one RED and one BLU, or both BLU.  It’s all good man, Spy thinks Scouts are rat bastards no matter the team color.  

Any way you cut it, the Scouts reallllly want attention, and/or to put it in Spy’s tired butt.  Prolly during a mission too, they’re so loud they ruin everything Spy’s tryna do.  Maybe they try to sneaky sneak with him, but they end up running ahead and around and fucking everything up.  “C’mon, the guy you’re supposed to kill is dead!  Don’t matter that all the alarms are up!”  “Yeh, we’re done here right?  I got a bucket o fried chicken, let’s DO YOU.”  Mon dieu indeed.

Which reminds me!  I need to draw Scout/Spy/Scout DP or spitroast.  I keep sayin’ it but it never happens, how come???  Alexa, please remind me in 7 days.

Zhanna + Solly

I don’t have any emotional connection to it, but for a canon ship it’s pretty cute!  She’s taller than him, they kill people 2gether naked, Soldier waddles around in a nightgown.  All good with me.  Zhanna tops of course.  I wonder how Hoovy feels about his idiot teammate being engaged with his sister?

Zhanna + Admin + Miss P

I really dunno what Zhanna would do in this threesome LOL.  Miss P/Admin is an very interesting one though!  Miss P’s the only person Admin is close with really, and I guess she asks her “What do friends do?” huh?    Plus Admin with hair down is uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hawt.

But BRUHHH you gotta know if there’s an old grumpy bitchy one, I always make the younger one pursue the older one in a one-sided thing HAHAHAHA.  Angry admin using Miss Pauling purely as a secretary, Miss P. kinda gets attached to taking care of the old gmilf.  

Again, not one that I’m too emotionally invested in, but it’s the kinda pairing that makes you feel heavy_nodding_thumbsup.gif

Scout x Heavy

Oh boy.  A really, really, really good one for me.  Since Meet The Scout came out, I’ve always had an itch for Scout topping Heavy HAHA.  Huge size difference, and something about string bean bitch Scout somehow bullying big Heavy out of his Sandvich is so… sigh.  *medic voice* OOH tingly!  Could Scout even get his teenie weenie through Heavy’s cheeks!?!  It doesn’t matter, I just want more BOOLYING.

Other than sex stuff, I think it’s real cute if Scout’s super annoying and loud, n’ Heavy’s quietly pissed and swats him away.  Ah, and Heavy’s one of the guys who cracks a smile at Scout ruining Spy’s bucket party in Exp. Date!   He doesn’t think Scout’s ALL bad, just awful 80% of the time.  I don’t see them having quite the friendship connection as say, Sniper/Scout.  But Scout being a real pest tryna crack bad jokes, and Heavy just sighing and taking it

(I like deez fics with Hoovy n’ Scout: Muscle Management by Banimals, and Size Isn’t Everything by Teratomarty)

Soldier x Heavy

This is one I haven’t thought of that much!  They look really cute together, so much mass in one place.  And of course the All-American n’ Russian 2gether reminds me of the CLASSIC pairing of Rocky/Ivan Drago… Lot’s of MASHING bodies together n’ CONFLICT of flesh.  I think in this case they can switch hehe.

Same team Solly/Hoovy is kyute, Solly’s so ignorant but he’s friendly to Heavy even though he’s xenophobic to all them European countries LOL.  And opposite team’s got that vague rivalry thing going on too, that’s where the CONFLICT OF FLESH arises lmao.  Plus Solly and Hoovy have to compete for Medic’s attention :3c

Engie x Heavy

Another one I haven’t given much thought!  Shortest class and BEEGEST class.  Is nice.  They’re smart dudes, but I don’t think Heavy’s much for discussion most of the time.  Engie’ll end up just talking at Heavy about some thing he’s building while Hoovy stares sleepily.  Ah, but ENGINEER IS CREDIT TO TEAM, that’s one of my fav lines in the game… will Hoovy show his appreciation?

As for butt stuff, since Medic n’ Engie are science buddies I imagine they have a thing with Heavy going on.  I always think Medic’s part of the equation with most Heavy ships actually, HeavyMedic so stronk it leaks into other pairings.  Medic does more gorey handsy stuff with Hoovy, Engie takes care of the fun toys~  Damn, Heavy’s such a good sub ;~;  Healthy guy, can take everything Medic n Engie dish out.

Scout + Miss Pauling

I really like this one lol cuz MY ASS is weak for one-sided shit.  It’s very cute for a hetero ship cuz Scout has no goddamn chance in hell with her.  I’m torn seeing sexual n’ romantic stuff with Scout/Pauling though, cuz I think it’s way more appealing (Just my personal taste!) if Scout’s just a hopeless puppy dog licking her shoes while she ignores him and sends him to the mf shadow realm of THE FRIEND ZONE.  Ahh and het ships are the only time Scout gets to top really, and u know I like top Scout, but I don’t want her to bang Scout…. I 100% accept pathetic Scout

furiously

slapping his meat thinking about Ms. Pauling though.  

I understand the romantic appeal to other people, and I support them all the way!  Plus it’s basically one of the few canon shipz

Spy + Miss Pauling

I just wanna say that Spy’s lines to Scout about porking Ms. Pauling are completely fucked up and I love it.  Spy’s such a bitchass pervert.  It’s one of the things that makes me doubt D*dspy is canon for the games/SFMs.  What kind of fucked up dad threatens to fuck their son’s crush after attempting to help him get a date with her???  Pure uwu indeed.

I’m thinking platonic for Spy/Pauling too.  They’re business-platonic towards each other, and I prefer them to stay that way.  It’s kinda cute how Ms. Pauling can sic Spy on people to actually fufill his role as an assassin, huh?  Cuz she knows he can do the job professionally, and he knows he can do exactly what she tells him to.  Good dog.