#socsc11

BINHI: Privilege and Oppression 

I really enjoyed my BINHI experience because it felt like I was both going into my comfort zone while stepping out of it. I say this because obviously going to a new place, especially one so far as a school in Batangas is always going to be overwhelming when coupled with meeting new people, getting to know them, and trying to make the most of what limited time we are given—yet it feels comforting because of the familiar feeling of going to a community and establishing connections with them. This is something I learned to value in all my years prior to Ateneo because my old school used to be very proactive when it came to social responsibility; they would make us do PEACE Work, have Alternative Christmases and Balls instead of traditional celebrations, immersions and essentially instill the value of involving ourselves. In my last two years, I even found myself volunteering for the optional Service on Saturdays (SOS). It was just comforting to see that Ateneo has similar roots in community engagement. It was similar to my habitus in the sense that it followed the same program flow of interacting with the kids and initiating games. I also found it very easy to relate with the kids since they were very enthusiastic about going to school and my group had similar interests in the art activity we prepared. On the other hand, it was also different from my habitus because I know I’ll never be accustomed to speaking Filipino, regardless of the number of outreach activities I join. In addition to that, one thing I couldn’t help but notice was that the kids I interacted with had internalized their socioeconomic status and took it as a mere fact in relation to meeting all of us students. I’ve certainly encountered people who expect things of my materially, but they are never as blunt and straightforward about asking or discussing their status freely. Most people I interact with choose not to discuss financials or feel shy about asking for money/help/resources, yet the kids in our group kept asking for additional mamons. Although it was a simple thing, it slightly pressured us because we had to consider the possibility that if we gave one of them extra, we would need to give the others while contending with the limited resources. It was difficult to face a request like that and continuously tell them we no longer had any mamons when it ran out, simply because we weren’t used to it and didn’t want to exacerbate the implications of not giving in—the possibility of creating a divide between ourselves and the kids.

In a similar vein, I guess I did feel privileged when examining my context in relation to theirs. The point in the whole event that solidified that feeling for me was when Ms. Mars called them into the toy library and brought in the balikbayan box with toys. The kids tore it open with pure elation and were just so excited about the prospect of getting their hands on any toy—whether new or pre-loved. It struck me that although I remember being excited about toys when I was a kid, I was incredible blasé. I never felt such a strong desire for something that partly stems from something not being readily accessible. I am incredibly grateful for that now.

My parents' life when they were growing up is like a completely different world from mine and my brothers'. I can see how much effort they put into making sure they didn't commit the same mistakes their parents did, especially with my dad.

Even the stories of how both of my parents grew up are like two different worlds in and of itself, since they came from two separate backgrounds. My mother grew up around her brothers much like me, and used to bully people into giving her their lunch or other things (cliché, I know). My dad also grew up with brothers, but was more into video games and toys and basketball.

Despite growing up with a lot of men, my mom was still boggled down with societal expectations of how a woman should be like. My grandmother would scrub her raw with calamansi to have "the right skin for a girl like yourself" and would be discouraged to roughhouse and just help out with housework. I heard a friend of my mom talk about this when they were discussing how they were growing up, her mom told her: "Sandok lang ang pwede mong hawakan," (when she asked of she could play outside).

Though it's still present, my parents give me the liberty to be who I am without *much* comments about how I should be a certain way because of my gender. I think sometimes they're surprised at the way I turned out, even with my beliefs and interests (I'm the 'weird' one in my family).

Also apparently, the way I am today isn't the only me that surprises them. According to my dad, when I was a measly two year old, they took me out to watch the first Ice Age at the cinemas. By the near end, the part where the animals return the baby back to his parents, I started crying. They were surprised by this, apparently (I'm not, I'm a sucker for those kinds of things). When they asked why I was crying my eyes out (isn't it obvious, parentals?), I started patting my chest and repeating "I'm touch," like a big baby (well, I was a baby. A small one though).

I don't know if it's because I'm the first kid or what, but maybe they were surprised because it wasn't expected of just me, but other toddlers my age as well? It's possible, but usually at this age two year olds tend to think about themselves more rather than others. I should have been in the "I am what I will" right? Who knows, maybe my psychosocial development is also weird in some way, not just me. I have no recollection of having trouble being potty trained at all, either.

I guess this is how the internal and external parts of my life mix and it affects my reactions and mannerisms. I've always been very receptive to other people's emotions more than my own, so maybe that's a factor as well.

 This week’s homework gave me the chance to ask my mom about her childhood. She has always told me stories of how she helped her aunts in the market, about their neighbors growing up, and the first time they got a television. However, after this assignment, I was able to hear more about her everyday life.

1) What was it like for you, growing up?

“It was a lot of fun! You could play under the sun for more than eight hours, and we didn’t mind. We were playing patintero, taguan, learning how to bike on the street without really minding the other vehicles running on the street — on the same street! Unlike now, its very difficult to bike in the street. We had a lot of playmates —it’s all outdoor. No computers, no TV so we spent all the time of the day (playing).

Basta most of the time, outdoor.  Punta kami sa bukid, kuha ng mangga, gumagamit kami ng tirador, tapos nag tatanim ng munggo diba, pagkatapos nung mga nag h-harvest talaga kami naman, tapos don kami naliligo sa small squares sa bukid.”

2) What was the most memorable story for you, about me growing up

“Nagkasakit ka ‘tas sinukahan mo ako sa mukha!

 Ano pa...yung asa Baguio, yung sumimangot talaga yung mukha mo, yun pala ume-ebs ka. Naupo ka sa isang tabi, tapos naka-diaper ka pa ‘non, yun yung maliit ka pa. 

Tapos yung first day mo in school, akala ko matatakot ka kasi nga wala kang masyadong kalaro non nung lumipat tayo sa Antipolo pero baliktad, sa excitement mo nung nakita mong maraming bata sa classroom, ‘di ka na lumingon. 

Tapos nung bata ka rin masakitin ka, meron tayong isang pasko sa ospital nun.

After this, I noticed the great difference that the developments in technology have introduced to our lifestyles. My mom was able to feel safer while playing outside because there were fewer cars while when I was growing up, I remember always being told to stay on the sidewalk or only to stay only in the park because they were worried about the cars in our village. The difference in our surroundings also influenced our experiences given that my mom grew up in a place where they were closer to rice fields, while I grew up in a more developed subdivision. I also understood why my parents encouraged me to play outside as a child or have friends over instead of letting me play games on the family computer since these were activities that made their childhood memorable.

I thought I was used to my life turning to shit, but this week’s bordering the level of shit I don’t want to handle. It’s like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet, filling a plate full of my favorite food, but then trip and land on the plate, consequently mushing everything together like a sad piece of clay. One thing to know about me, I don’t like mixing my food. I like to keep them separate, and eat them separately.

One could say it stems from how I handle my life. I keep different parts of my life separate, my family life is only at home, my school life will always stay in school (even the work I do), and my personal issues will always stay just like that, personal.

When I have a problem, however, it gets harder and harder for me to keep these things separate.

Everything gets confusing, I don’t know where goes what which feelings are for whom and which ones are mine. Breaking up with my boyfriend at the start of the week was not one of my best decisions, but I feel like it was a needed one. If not, the thought would have eaten me up inside, and I didn’t want to lie to him.

The break up would have gone better if he didn’t react the way he did, or did the things he did, but it happened and I have to live with it. Which sucks, because I don’t think I can look at him the same for a while. I won’t be able to talk to him properly without anger or annoyance rising up within me.

What was once a peaceful bioecological system is now in ruins, and I have to build it back up. Higher walls, deeper moat, and a ton of guards.

I learned that I have to solve some internalized problems before I can fully accept another person romantically.

Also, that some boys cry a lot.

Now I just have to soldier through the second semester carrying an emotional weight that won’t be lifted until I figure things out. Emotionally, and psychologically. I don’t know how yet, but hopefully, I will soon.

Wish me luck.

On Gender & Sexuality

Given everything that has been discussed in the past week, the insight that struck me the most is the extent to which all aspects of gender are not binary. I’ve known that gender wasn’t limited to male or female, but in terms of sexual orientation, I always thought gay or bi-sexual sat right along the middle between male and female. It was only during the discussion that I saw it as an infinite continuum that was a lot more fluid and dependent on the individual being described. I also appreciated that in the Gingerbread Person reading, each dimension was broken down into two sets of scales because there were varying degrees that are determined not just in the way a person choses to express themselves, but in a way that is more innate. For example, I used to think that people acted more feminine if they identified more as a female, but this made me realise that some may identify inherently as females while choosing to express themselves in a separate way depending on the situation.

Moreover, I was struck by the way we tackled the topic in three dimensions because it made the nature of gender easier to grasp and see to what extent the three were related to create a person’s image.

In terms of myself, I learned that although I identify as straight, it’s completely normal and acceptable for me to veer slightly toward the other side of the continuum like when I have friend crushes. I realised that it’s okay not to conform to the stereotype of a strict heterosexual female because hardly everyone does, owing to the varying degrees of each dimension. Essentially, this just helped me understand aspects of myself as normal instead of doubting myself or finding certain inclinations odd. This understanding also extends to how I regard other people because it made me realise that I am able to identify as normal because of the fluidity of the spectrums, as such, I should not use myself as the basis for assessing other people’s identifications when there are infinitely many degrees.

On a more active note, I can apply these learnings by educating those in my sphere of influence, such as my parents since I can now concretely differentiate the different aspects of gender. I actually sent my carpool mates the Genderbread Person reading last Tuesday because I found it really cute and informative.

THE MEME LIFE

A few brief notes on each picture—

How my family sees me: My family views me as an overachiever who often takes on a little “too many” roles. How I see my family: The most common activity we do together is eat (a lot!) and it is synonymous with warmth, comfort, and care. How my friends see me: They see me as someone who is too nice, cute, and just a little clueless/naive, yet can be fierce and sharp on the rare occasion that I am crossed. How I see my friends: If you can’t read it, the Facebook post says, “We don’t have any hobbies. But we do try to get together a few times a month to judge people and complain about things.” How I see my crush: I see my crush as a gift that brightens my day (happy crush hehe)! He is a total package: smart, competent, passionate, and cute, etc. How my crush sees me: My crush sees me as a friend. :)))

My Individuation Timeline

Johari’s Window