watch him crumble

I don’t know if I can quite put into words how fucking freeing it was to realize that I was polyam. I’ve always been someone to like a lot of people at the same time. Not always in a romantic way, though often that was the case, but I liked a lot of people.

And I always felt so damn GUILTY about it. Like I was doing something wrong for having a crush while I had another crush, or for having a crush while I was dating. And the few times I did confide in people, their reactions made it worse.

“What? You don’t like your partner anymore?” “Well, having a crush while you’re dating is basically cheating so-” “Why don’t you make up your mind already? You can’t like more than one person!” “Wow... So you’re just a whore then, huh?”

Needless to say, I spent a LOT of time squashing down a lot of feelings. And I know I missed out on some potentially great relationships and friendships by doing so. I always thought that, if I loved one person, it had to be ONE person. That by having feelings for someone else, it would... Take away from that love somehow. Like my love was this super finite thing, and I barely was allowed to have enough for myself, let alone another person.

And now, I know that isn’t true. I can love myself, and a partner, and maybe even more partners. Having a crush, or even falling for someone else, doesn’t mean that I don’t love my wife anymore. If anything, I love her more and more every single day. And the more I allow myself to feel my feelings, the more I allow myself to enjoy having crushes instead of dreading them, knowing that I am safe and free to do so... The more and more I actually feel. It’s like I built a dam inside of myself, and I’m finally disassembling it, piece by piece, and allowing the river to just flow instead of holding it back and controlling it and telling it “No, you’re not allowed, no matter how good and natural and right it feels. You’re not allowed. It’s bad.”

I guess the point of this is... To be that person I never had when I was younger. To be that adult who says hey, it’s OKAY to feel what you feel. It’s okay for you to like him. Or her. Or them. Or many hims, hers, and thems. It’s okay to be a little confused, and it’s okay to work things out for yourself- even if the answer you come to is one other people don’t seem to like. For some people, love is less wild than it is for me. Some people can only love one person, and that’s totally okay, too. Everyone should be able to love who they love, however many or few people that is. And it’s not bad or wrong to have feelings for other people, or multiple people at once. Or to not have those feelings for anyone at all.

YOU get to define how you let your love run. You get to define what kind of love it is. You get to define what you need, just like everyone else does.

*wheezing-*

oTL

-is older internet-emoticon that literally is a ‘picture’ of a person on their hands and knees hanging their head!

It’s basically... comical defeat, in emoticon form, lol.

You might also see oTL||||| or |||||oTL (and so on) which mimics the ‘gloom’ lines you see in comics, especially manga.

... I’ve been bumping into fewer and fewer people who seem to know what it means though. TvT Only people who’ve been intensively on the internet since at least the early ‘00s... Maybe I should retire using it, but,, also...