#so that was...interesting

‘Dad, I’m home,’ his youngest called, followed by the sound of the door shutting and the drop of a bag on the floor, ‘are you busy on the fifteenth?’

‘Of this month? No, why?’

‘Jean called-’

‘Jean and I broke up. I told you.’

‘I know, but she called me, asked for a lift to an appointment. Said she’d asked everyone else. I’ve got plans, but I said you might be free. Please?’

‘No.’

‘Dad? Seriously?’

Jakob shrugged, ‘why does she need a lift? Did you ask her that?’

‘No, because you raised me to be polite,’ Ola smiled at him. ‘Perhaps her car’s broken down?’

‘And she cannot get a taxi?’

‘Perhaps she needs someone to drive her home because it’s one of those dental appointments where they give you anaesthetic or something. Just do it, Dad. As a favour to me?’

‘Why?’

‘Because...she’s my friend’s mum and she sounded desperate.’

‘Fine,’ he huffed a sigh. ‘What time?’

‘Half ten. Be nice.’

‘I’m always nice.’

~~~

They were in the dog days of summer. Hot and sultry, a mugginess hanging heavy around everything, air thick as soup. She was somewhat grateful that she was only in her first trimester, remembering back to her pregnancy with Otis, overdue in a heatwave, and how unbearable it had been. She looked over at him now, lanky as his limbs spilled awkwardly off one of the wicker chairs, a dogeared copy of The Exorcist he’d found in the attic cracked open in his hands.

She’d taken away his Switch and PlayStation when she grounded him, and after a serving her a disdainful glare he had stormed off up to his room. She may never have had cause to ground him before, but she knew her son well enough to know that shutting him in his room with his games was the easiest way to make him happy. So no consoles. She’d gone up to ask what he wanted for dinner that evening, only to find him in the attic, crouched spiderlike among the boxes as he riffled through them. She had joined him, looking at old photos and reminiscing, running her hand through his hair and pressing a kiss to his crown when he thunked his head down against her shoulder, offering her a quiet apology. She’d been looking at a photo of him as a new born as she forgave him, wondering where the time had gone.

Two weeks later and he was still grounded, one more week of his sentence left to serve, though she wasn’t entirely sure how strong willed she was going to be about it. Having him constantly around the house meant that he was constantly studying her. What had she ever done to raise such an observant boy? He’d been non-stop in checking she was okay, never voicing his concerns explicitly, but she could see him worry.

‘Are you sure you’re okay, Mum?’

She sighed, surprised it had taken him so long since waking to ask her. ‘I’m fine, Darling. Why do you ask?’ she wasn’t fine. Of course, she wasn’t fine. But her son didn’t need to know that.

‘You haven’t been eating at dinners-‘

‘I haven’t had much of an appetite lately, what with the heat,’ she shrugged, keeping her gaze locked firmly on the newspaper she hadn’t read a work of all morning so as to avoid giving anything away. She didn’t like lying to him, but there was no other way around it. Why tell him when it wouldn’t be a problem for much longer?

‘You’ve been sick a lot lately. And you’ve been having nosebleeds. I...I don’t think I’ve ever seen you have a nosebleed before until last week. I think perhaps you should...maybe talk to a doctor.’

Her heart ached at her sweet boy’s analysis. He’d been paying attention; he worried about her. ‘Otis,’ her voice cracked on his name as she looked up at him, ‘I am fine, but thank you for your concern.’

‘Mum, you’re not though, are you? There’s something wrong and I-‘

‘I’ve been to the doctor, Darling, and there’s nothing to worry about,’ she reached over to pat his arm.

‘You would tell me if there was something wrong, though, wouldn’t you?’

She gave him a tight smile, ‘of course, Darling.’

 ~~~

‘I did not know there was a dental clinic there.’

‘There isn’t,’ she frowned at him. ‘Who said anything about a dental clinic?’

‘The appointment. Ola said it was one of those dental appointments where they give you anaesthetic.’

‘Oh. I never said that. It’s not a dental appointment,’ she sighed, dropped her head against the cool glass of the window, ‘I’m...it’s an abortion clinic.’

‘Oh,’ he nodded, lapsed into silence for the rest of the journey.

She felt empty, like a shell of herself as the trees blurred into a Monet painting out the window.

‘Thank you,’ she murmured, unbuckling and reaching for the door handle when he pulled the car up to the curb, ‘I’ll be out in about-‘

‘Does Remi know you are doing this?’

‘What? No, of course not.’

‘You don’t believe a man at least has a right to know?’

‘Seriously, we’re discussing this now?’ she sighed, shook her head and glanced at her watch before she rearranged herself in her seat to face him. ‘Firstly, whilst I believe a healthy relationship should be based on open communication and this is certainly something that should be discussed in a relationship, it is also my body, and it is my decision-‘

‘I wasn’t disputing that, I was-‘

‘Secondly,’ she spoke over him, ‘Remi is not the father. We didn’t sleep together. I told you, it was just a kiss. That’s all.’

‘So, the father, he knows?’

She shook her head, looked away, ‘I tried to tell you, and you hung up.’

‘Oh,’ he nodded slowly, bringing a hand up to rub across the couple of days-worth of stubble on his chin. Deep furrows lined his brow as he focused his eyes on the texture of the steering wheel. ‘But, you know, Jean, that is not possible. I had a vasectomy, so-‘

‘Which is why I needed you to actually answer your phone. You need to go to your doctor, because your vasectomy failed. They do sometimes. It happens and it’s nothing to be ashamed about, but you should be aware for any future partners you’re with. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment to attend,’ she climbed from the car. It wasn’t until she was across the street that she heard his van door shut and turned to see him striding over. ‘What are you doing?’

‘I am attending your appointment with you.’

‘Oh,’ she looked bewildered, ‘why?’

‘Because you should not be doing this alone.’

‘You don’t have to.’

‘I know,’ he shrugged, gestured for her to lead the way. He followed a step behind her, keeping his eyes fixed regimentally to the cracks in the pavement before them. He felt somewhat proud that he had not once looked down at her stomach since she had told him, hoped it made her feel more comfortable about her decision.

His stomach lurched when he saw a group of people with placards gathered around the steps to the building they were headed for, watched in admiration as Jean walked past them with her head held high, completely ignoring their shouts.

He wanted to reach out and place a hand on her back as she started up the concrete stairs to level four. Wanted to slip his hand into hers. Did neither as he stayed two steps behind.

There was an oppressive stillness to the waiting room when they entered; the quiet drone of Cash In The Attic on the television and faded magazines two years out of date. Three others sat in chairs and a sombre tone to every movement. A murmured ‘please complete this form and take a seat,’ and the smell of disinfectant that filled every clinical environment.

Like a library, Jakob thought, as he sat next to Jean, flicked his eyes over the intake paperwork. Her name in blue ink and her fluid hand. Her home address. Her date of birth. They’d conceived a child and he’d never even known her birthday.

He had to look away: pick at the paint flecks on his jeans, read the headlines on the magazines telling all and nothing about celebrities he’d never heard of. The concept of reading about the goings-on of people he’d never met confounded him, particularly when the drama of his own life had suddenly picked up again after the whirlwind of Jean had blustered in and turned everything on its head. He still hadn’t processed the fact that she had asked him to drive her to get an abortion, let alone for his own child. He thought, maybe, that this was for the best in the long run. Having never had more than half an hour to process the fact that Jean was carrying his child, he’d never have to mourn it. Only, from the minute she told him where they were going he’d been picturing her swollen with his child, glowing with life and groaning in mellow discomfort as he rubbed her back and her feet and every aching muscle she asked him to. And these thoughts didn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon.

So, put simply, he was fucked.

Perhaps, if he knew her reasoning, he might be able to process it better. Yes, that was sound logic. Just ask her why. Don’t do so judgingly, don’t make it sound like you are blaming her for anything. Just ask her why.

Before he could though she was dropping her form off at the reception desk and murmuring something to the kindly lady sat behind it, receiving a soft nod in return, before she disappeared through the double doors out to the stairwell. He looked around, noticing a sign for the bathrooms pointing in the other direction, and went to ask where she’d gone, but before he could was told she’d gone to get some fresh air, was just out on the stairs by a window that had been cracked open by the cleaners that morning. He nodded his thanks and poked his head out of the door, spying her on the half-level up, sat on the floor, tucked into the corner. Giving her space, he slid down the other wall into the opposite corner, dropping his head back against the cool plaster.

Just ask her why. Maybe that will help both of you.

‘Is it going to hurt?’ ...not what he was going for. But she looked up at him with a pained smile, the first time she’d looked tenderly at him since...since the night of the school play when she had asked to talk and delivered a rambling diatribe before he had cut her off, asked if she was going anywhere with it, and she had asked if he could ever love her again, even if she was scared to be ready. He’d told her what he needed was bravery. This...was not the bravery he was looking for.

‘It will not be a walk in the park. There will likely be some discomfort over the next few days whilst my body expels the embryo.’

‘They will not...remove it here?’

‘I opted for a medical abortion,’ she cleared her throat, put on her teaching voice, ‘which means that I will be prescribed some tablets that are taken orally, and some tablets that are inserted into the vagina that will break down the uterine lining where the embryo has implanted. It will essentially feel like a very heavy period.’

‘You should have someone looking after you.’

‘I have Otis. He is aware I have been unwell and he is currently grounded.’

‘And when he is in school?’

‘Then I have a mobile phone with which to call my doctor.’

It did not pacify him, but he felt it was a useless point to argue. Jean was stubborn. ‘May I ask why?’

‘Why the medical abortion over surgical?’

‘No, why the abortion at all? I am not judging you, I am simply curious.’

She nodded slowly, tilting her head back against the wall to stare at the ceiling, ‘I have many reasons. I am at an age where a pregnancy becomes high-risk, for both mother and baby. I am already a single mother of a teenage son who in the past year has gone through a greater spate of acting out and rebelling than he ever did as a child,’ she huffed a sigh and rubbed her forehead, ‘and I think adding an infant into the mix will only make matters worse. Furthering that point, I think recently I am coming to realise that I have not been a good mother, and to bring another child into the world only for me to fail it too as it’s only present parent is both irresponsible and immoral, and unsuitable for long-term relationships, as you yourself pointed out. I have a career that I enjoy and that I do not want to sacrifice. And...’ she hesitated, looked over at him, ‘and when I tried to tell you, on two occasions, that I was pregnant with your child, you told me in no uncertain terms that we have no future together. And I cannot face the idea of living the rest of my life looking at a child with your nose and the lovely curl of your ears and your stupid smile. I look at Otis and see one man who broke my heart. I can’t go through that again, because Jakob, I think this time, with you, it might kill me.’

There were tears on her cheeks as she clenched her eyes shut and tried to control her breathing and Jakob realised, then and there, that he had never truly seen behind her defences before, ‘Jean, why did you ask Ola to ask me to drive you?’

She sniffed, shook her head and backhanded the tears from her cheeks, ‘it’s stupid.’

‘I doubt it. Tell me.’

‘I wanted to fight with you about it.’

‘Why?’

She shook her head again, covered her face with her hands and buried them in her knees, ‘I don’t know. I...’ her shoulders shook, her whole, tiny body trembling under the weight of everything going on.

‘Perhaps, subconsciously, you wanted me to tell you not to go through with it. But I’m not going to do that, Jean.’

‘You’re not?’ she looked up at him, sniffed and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

‘You have clearly thought this through. It is your body and I respect your decision. But, if you are having second thoughts, if there is even a moment of doubt in your mind, then I would like to talk about it more.’

‘You would?’

‘I am sorry I have not been there for you.’

‘I’m sorry I didn’t realise what we had until I ruined it.’

He gave her a bittersweet smile and bowed his head, ‘it appears we both have regrets. I do not want you to have any other regrets, Jean, either way.’

‘It’s impossible to live without regrets.’

‘Well, that may be. Can I ask something, Jean?’

‘You can ask. I can’t guarantee I’ll have an answer.’

He furrowed his brow as he tried to formulate his question succinctly, ‘how...are there circumstances that would make you keep the baby?’

She thought for a moment, ‘yes, I think so. Maybe if I wasn’t so old. If...if there wasn’t so much animosity between us.’

‘You are not old, Jean.’

‘In terms of reproduction and pregnancy, I am. Besides, I do not want Otis to resent me.’

‘Would he?’

‘He’s been an only child his whole life and he doesn’t handle change well.’

Jakob chuckled, ‘perhaps it would be good for him. Learn to share,’ he nodded softly when she cracked a grin too. Her face fell when a nurse stuck her head around the door and called her name.

‘Can you give us a minute, please? Just a minute?’

‘Of course,’ the nurse nodded and ducked back inside.

She was quiet for a moment, picked at the fabric of her skirt, ‘I’m so sure this is the right decision, but I just can’t make myself go in there. And I don’t know why. I did the counselling sessions. But I just keep thinking about this little baby with blue eyes in your stupidly big hands and I can’t. I don’t want to bring a child into this world without being able to promise it security and stability and a loving family, but...’

‘But there is a part of you that wants it, and a part of you that feels selfish for wanting it, yes?’

‘Yeah,’ she nodded, sniffling again as her voice cracked.

He stared at her, palms resting on his knees and head leaned back against the cool plaster, ‘I do not want to promise you a family, Jean. I do not want to guarantee something I cannot give you, and I do not want to put either of us through that. But I want you to know that whatever decision you make, I will always support you in it. If you walk through those doors now, I will walk through them with you and hold your hand, and I will stay with you until it is over, however long that may be. If you want to spend some more time talking about this, I will be here for you. And, if you decide you want this baby, then I will want this baby, too. I cannot guarantee we will all live under the same roof for a happy ever after, but I will be the father of this child in whatever way works for us.’

‘I can’t ask that of you, Jakob.’

He shook his head, ‘you are not asking.’

She dropped her head to her knees, sobbing loudly into her arms until she could reign in her breathing to shaky gasps.

‘We can take our time, Jean. Not everything has to be go go go.’

‘Jakob?’

‘Yes, Jean?’

‘Can you take me home?’

‘Of course. Would you like for me to tell them what is happening?’

‘I’ll explain.’

‘Okay,’ he nodded, his knees cracking as he stood up, holding his hands out to help her up. She wobbled slightly, and he pulled her into his grasp, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

‘We can figure this out.’

~~~

She cried herself to sleep on the way home, her soft, nasal snores being drowned out by the wheezing air conditioning. Her cheeks were red and blotchy, and he knew that if he pressed his lips to them he would taste salt. This Jean, the Jean curled in on herself, small and frail, was not the Jean he fell in love with. His jean was bold and passionate and loud, and made herself known wherever she was. His jean spread out and took up space, small body sprawled across the bed and an infinite amount of mugs in on the mug shelf. He wasn’t sure it was possible to reconcile the two. They still had a lot to learn about each other, and maybe, for all his insistence of intimacy, they needed to learn a new type. They both needed to learn to share the parts of themselves they were afraid of.

He stopped himself from stirring her awake when the gravel of her driveway crunched under his tires. If not peaceful, then at least she looked calmer than she had earlier in the day. And more restful. The dark bags under her eyes had not gone unnoticed.

Instead, he tucked her into his arms, inhaling her Jean-scent when she nuzzled into his chest, and proceeded to carry her down the steps to her front door. It took some jostling for him to be able to ring the bell, having left her bag and housekeys up in his van.

Otis’s face paled when he saw his mother’s limp form in her ex’s arms, eyes widening in alarm, ‘is she okay? What happened?’

‘She’s fine. Just tired. She fell asleep and I did not have the heart to wake her.’

‘Oh.’

‘I shall take her upstairs now.’

Otis nodded, backed out of the way and shut the door behind them, watching surreptitiously.

He laid her down carefully, slipping first one wedge, then the other, off of her feet, placing them in her closet just like she liked. He brushed her hair off her forehead, pressed a kiss to it, and left with one final look back at her before closing the door to.

Her son waited for him at the foot of the stairs, an expectant look on his face, ‘what’s wrong with her?’

‘I told you, she fell asleep,’ he shrugged, unlaced his shoes and placed them by the door before sitting down on the couch.

Otis glared before sitting down opposite him, ‘I mean, is she dying?’

‘No, she’s not dying.’

‘Really?’

‘Really.’

‘But she is sick?’

‘No,’ he shook his head, ‘just needs to rest.’

‘She- she’s been crying a lot since you two broke up. She thinks I don’t notice, but I do.’

‘Your mother has had a lot on her mind.’

He nodded, processing that, ‘and she talked to you about it?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why you and not me?’

Jakob looked away and shrugged before fixing his gaze back on Otis, ‘because much of what she has on her mind is my fault.’

The younger man sighed, shook his head, ‘y’know, she always wants me to tell her what’s bothering me, but when she’s got a problem she goes to anyone but me.’

‘You are her son. She does not want you to worry. Besides, she will tell you when she is ready. You just have to have faith.’

‘We’re not religious.’

‘Neither am I. Faith and religion are not one in the same.’

 ~~~

‘Otis, Darling, can I ask you something?’

‘Course,’ he nodded, dropping down onto the sofa next to her.

‘Do-‘ she hesitated, still trying to find the right wording despite having been planning this conversation for over a week, ‘do you ever wish you had had a sibling?’

He frowned, stayed quiet for a moment whilst he thought about it, ‘maybe, when I was little, before I met Eric. Did...did you and Dad ever talk about having another baby?’

‘No,’ she shook her head, somewhat sadly. ‘We tried for a very long time to have you. Spent a lot of money on IVF. The idea of going through all of that again...No.’

‘You never said.’

‘It upset your father a lot. The idea of two sex and relationship therapists unable to conceive a child together. There was a perverse sense of irony to it. He wanted it kept a secret, and...well, you know how your father got about private matters.’

‘How did it make you feel?’

‘I spent a lot of time thinking I was unworthy. Your grandmother had a lot to say about it when I confided in her.’

‘Let me guess: ‘God will smite you for being so wanton?’

She chuckled and nodded, ‘how did you know?’ She shook her head before she continued, ‘it put a lot of strain on our marriage. I think that’s what I was ashamed of most, not so much that we were having difficulty conceiving – that’s just biology, after all – but that we couldn’t hold our relationship together. I couldn’t go through that with your father again, and we had you. We loved you, and I figured we didn’t need any more than you.’

‘And you never told anyone?’

‘Other than your grandmother and our doctors, no.’

‘That must have been hard.’

She gave a bittersweet smile, ‘it was. But I worked through it, and I got you out of it, so I can’t complain.’

‘Well, I’m glad you told me,’ he kissed her cheek and went to stand up.

‘Wait, Otis, I- there’s something else I want to talk to you about.’

‘Sure.’

‘I want you to stay calm with what we’re about to discuss. You can call a time out at any time. And I want you to know that I want you to be part of the discussion.’

‘Mum?’

‘I also want you to know that no decision has been come to yet. We...I don’t know what the future is going to look like, and there are currently no plans.’

‘Mum, you’re starting to worry me.’

‘Sorry, Darling. I’m just trying to figure out how to broach the subject.’

‘You could just say it.’

She shook her head, ‘I’m not sure I can.’ Instead, she stood up and walked over to her handbag on the counter, pulled out a folded A5 white and blue NHS card, and made her way haltingly back over to him. When she sat back down she kept it clenched in her hands as her knee jiggled and her teeth bit into her bottom lip.

‘What is it?’

‘It’s, uh...it’s...’ she handed it over to him, watched as he opened it up and stared, dumbstruck, at the grainy black and white swirls. A shell-shocked silence flooded the room, Jean waiting tensely for her son to explode.

His voice was quiet when he finally broke the silence, ‘I’m assuming this wasn’t planned.’

‘No.’

‘Christ. You’d think you of all people-‘

‘Don’t, Otis. I know.’

‘How long have you known?’

‘Since just before the school play. I didn’t expect to need to tell you.’

He frowned, ‘you thought you could hide a pregnancy and a baby from me until I go off to uni?’

‘No. I...I intended to have an abortion. That’s where I went with Jakob the other week.’

‘Oh. I...you should have said. I assume you wouldn’t have told me at all, and then if something happened, something went wrong, and you, I don’t know, developed an infection, or bled out in your bed, I would have never known, and you’d have died, and-’

‘What’s one more secret,’ she sighed bitterly before shaking her head, ‘sorry. I didn’t mean that. I wouldn’t have died. Besides, I don’t think Jakob would have left my side if I had gone through with it.’

‘He convinced you not to?’

‘No. I convinced me not to. Not until we’d actually talked about it. And not until we’d talked to you and his girls about it. Your lives will be affected by whatever decision we make, too, so it’s only right you get a say in it.’

‘Wow. Okay, um. That’s a lot to process.’

‘I know. I’m sorry. We want to give you some time to think it over, and then we’re going to have dinner, all of us, to discuss what everyone thinks and wants.’

‘That sounds excruciatingly painful.’

‘You’re telling me,’ she muttered, dreading sitting around the table with her son, Jakob, and his two girls, to discuss the fate of her own body.

 ~~~

In the week leading up to the dinner Otis had gone through spates of ignoring her completely mixed with times of being overprotective of her, making sure she was comfortable and had everything she needed and didn’t want for anything. And then she’d ask if he’d had any thoughts about the future and he’d freeze her out again, going sullen and locking himself in his room or cycling off.

When they’d arrived at the Nymans’, the atmosphere had been tense. Jakob had welcomed them in, pressed an awkward kiss to her cheek and clapped Otis on the back. They were introduced to Jakob’s oldest, Ebba, with a polite, if distant, nod of the head. Ola had embraced her in a warm hug before poking Otis in the ribs.

Dinner itself had been held with only the sound of cutlery scraping on plates. Only Jakob finished his meal. Everybody declined desert.

After, sat around the cleared table, he cleared his throat, ‘I think we all know why we are here.’

‘Actually, I don’t,’ Ebba shrugged, turned towards Jean, ‘I am sorry, but I do not know you, and I don’t live here, so I don’t really understand why I’m being involved in this conversation.’

‘Because you are my daughter,’ Jakob said, ‘and I want your input.’

‘You really want my opinion?’ she asked, eyebrows raised sceptically. Her father and Jean both nodded and she sighed, shaking her head, ‘I think you’re adults and you should do what you want. But I also think it would be irresponsible to have a baby. You are not in a relationship. You do not live together, and are both...’

‘It’s okay, you can say older,’ Jean smiled softly at her.

‘Mum died when I was fourteen. I needed her and she was gone. I’m not saying you won’t live a long, healthy life. I just think that it’s something to consider.’

‘Thank you, Ebba, for that reminder of our mortality,’ Jakob sighed, ‘besides, Jean is not old.’

‘Also, mum wasn’t old, and she still died,’ Ola supplied, somewhat unhelpfully, ‘age doesn’t make a difference if you get sick.’

‘Okay, but my mum isn’t going to get sick, so could we perhaps stop talking about it?’ Otis’ voice was an octave higher than normal and his mother reached out to press a hand to his back in a calming gesture.

‘Of course, Darling. Is there anything you want to talk about?’

‘I mean, I guess I just want to know how you think this would work, hypothetically speaking?’

‘Well, that would depend on what you three wanted as well, and what Jakob and I want. As you know, families take many shapes and sizes. We do not have to be romantically involved if Jakob is not comfortable with that, and we can co-parent in a way that suits us and you three if that is what we decide.’

Otis nodded slowly, turned to Jakob, ‘if mum had the baby, what would your stance on raising it be?’

‘Your mother knows that I will do whatever is best for the health and happiness of everybody involved.’

‘A kid should be loved by both its parents. And know it’s loved. And...they should know their parents are good for one another, and kind to one another.’

‘Then I promise that if your mother has this child, I will love it and I will never abandon it or your mother, or you, Otis, should you ever need me.’

Otis held eye-contact with Jakob for a moment before nodding, ‘thank you. Ola, your turn.’

‘I want everyone to be happy,’ she shrugged. ‘I’m pretty open to anything, and I’ll support you guys with whatever you need. Besides, I always kinda wanted a younger sibling.’

There was a snort, ‘you know this whole thing is ridiculous, right?’ Ebba scoffed, shaking her head, ‘this is not normal.’

‘Ebba!’ there was the sound of a foot colliding with a shin under the table as Ola glared at her sister.

‘No, no, you’re right,’ Jean nodded, rubbing her fingers across her brow, ‘how can we make this more comfortable for you?’

‘Not having this conversation, for one.’

‘Ebba, don’t be rude.’

‘Look, you asked for my opinion. What do you want us to tell you? Go ahead, have a baby, we’ll all be there for you and support you? Or don’t have a baby, get an abortion and be done with it? This is your decision, nobody else’s. You two had sex, you now take the responsibility and don’t put that on us?’

‘That is not the point of this conversation,’ Jakob said, focusing on his hands splayed on the table.

‘Then what is? Because from where I’m sitting, it really feels like that’s what you’re doing.’

‘Ebba, all of you, that is not our intention. What we want to know is how you feel about this situation, and use that to inform any decisions we make, or I make. If your father decides he cannot in good conscience be a part of this child’s life, if of course I do decide to have it, then it is a decision that will affect your life, and we don’t want it to impact you negatively, but I know I certainly want you to feel involved, if that is what you want.’

The older of the three young adults shook her head, shrugged, ‘you do what you want, you’re grown adults. I imagine if any of us were in this situation we’d be expected to make the decisions for ourselves. You spring the fact that you’re pregnant on us, give us a week and then expect us to know exactly how we feel about it. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you want from us,’ she stood up, gave a tight smile, ‘so, it was...fascinating to meet you, Jean, Otis, but I’m going to leave now. I’ll call you later, Dad.’

A heavy silence settled as the door slammed. A stifled sob broke free from behind Jean’s hand as Ola stood up, ‘I’ll go talk to her. She...she doesn’t mean to be like that, but loosing Mum hit her hard,’ she rubbed a soft hand over Jean’s shoulder before following her sister out.

‘I apologise, Jean, I did not expect for her to react as such and-‘

‘No, no, don’t apologise. She has every right to react like that. I didn’t think this through, I thought...I don’t know what I thought,’ her voice quivered as she pressed the heal of her hand to her chest and gasped a juddering breath, ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Mum...Mum, don’t cry...’

‘I’m sorry, Darling,’ she shook her head, sniffed and wiped her eyes, ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be putting this on you, I-‘

‘Otis, why don’t you-‘

‘I was actually just going to go...call Eric,’ he took Jakob’s queue, stood and dropped a kiss to the top of his mum’s head.

Jakob waited for the door to close behind Otis before he reached over and took Jean’s hand, ‘Jean-‘

‘I don’t know what to do.’

‘Okay. It’s okay not knowing what you want to do. But if you are holding back because you are scared, you must remember what I told you. Fuck the fear.’

She gave a weak smile, ‘it’s easy to say.’

‘Yes. I know.’

‘What if I make the wrong decision?’

He shrugged, ‘I don’t think there is a wrong decision. The question is, Jean, do you want a baby? No talk of old or not good enough or work, do you want this baby?’

‘I...’

‘Don’t think, just say.’

‘Yes.’

‘Okay,’ he nodded, breathed, ‘this is nobody else’s decision. For now, that is all you need to think about.’

‘What about you?’

‘I will stand by you. I-‘ he sighed, ‘I will be a father if that is what you want of me.’

‘But not a partner?’

‘No, Jean. I...I think it would not be a good idea.’

‘No,’ she chuckled self depreciatingly, ‘you’re probably right.’

‘It’s what you want, though, isn’t it.’

She sniffed, nodded and looked over at him, ‘is it so terrible of me?’

‘No. It is not terrible of you. But you self-sabotage, Jean, when you get scared. And I cannot live with you hiding away from me every time you get scared.’

She gave a solemn nod, ‘I have been on my own for so long, I don’t...I don’t know how to be with someone I...someone I feel for.’

‘I understand, I do. But we cannot rush into anything. We have done that once.’

‘And with a child in the mix we can’t risk it,’ she nodded, wiping her eyes again. She took a shuddering breath before yawning, ‘excuse me.’

‘You are tired. We shall talk about this tomorrow, okay. You should stay, you shouldn’t drive like this-‘

‘Jakob, no, I’m fine.’

‘I’ll make up the bed in Ebba’s old room. Come, come.’

‘What about Otis?’