#snippetsofasession

We’re fucking about during a battle on Roll20, drawing on the map the DM has made. I drew a demon horse. Someone drew a horse dick on it. 

Lor-Elaine (me, OOC): Someone is a bit too good at drawing horse dicks.

Tim-Bob, OOC: Well I haven’t drawn anything.

Me: No one’s accusing you of being talented.

Entire party: *LOSES THEIR FUCKING MINDS*

DM: Tim-Bob now has these colored eyes.

Party: *this sparks incoherent rambling about colors*

DM for the 13429 time: SO ANYWAY--

DM: She’s flapping REALLY hard.

I play as Fortune, a rather dramatic and selfish albino tiefling tarotell, in our irl game. It’s a game about a group of people travelling between worlds, trying to save them. He’s been through quite a lot, especially by the groups’ Yuan-ti Oro. Said Oro has hit Fortune with Hunger of Hadar, and his cursed sword made Fortune cut off his own hand as two god-tier beings fought within his soul for ownership. (Thankfully the hand was able to be reattached) As you can imagine, he doesn’t like Oro very much.

Visiting yet another world, one other member wants to earn some money, and suggests finding a fighting pit. Sadly our overly excited ADHD gnome just starts going around picking fights in a tavern and long story short we’re suddenly surrounded by ten guards. Fortune managed to play it off like he wasn’t part of the group, hiding behind the bar. A fight ensues (mostly because of Oro who always wants to murder) and Fortune is mostly providing some secret support. Oro just got stabbed by one of the guards. Fortune is out of predictions, he has to use a cycle card. Envy already didn’t work once, so then I had the Bolt left.

Me: I trigger the Bolt! That’ll be a d8 lightning damage if they fail their save.

DM: Haha! ... ... You sure?

Me: ... What?

DM: You’re going to strike a plate clad guard, with his sword still stabbing Oro, who’s unconscious? With lightning?

Me: OH OH N- *realizes that Fortune A) can’t see Oro from behind the bar and B) wouldn’t care anyway* yes.

We’re playing a space adventure. I’m playing the mechanic/technician, another is playing the shooter, a third the pilot. We’ve sort of stumbled into stealing a ship from a crime syndicate and are on the run. We only have enough fuel to go BACK to the planet we stole the ship from, and that’s a no-go, so we decide to sleep on it. We’re woken up by the ship jolting as something’s trying to dock us.

DM: You see a hot light poke through the docking port, someone’s apparently trying to laser their way in.  Everyone: OH SHIT  DM: Then it goes quiet, the light goes away and you instead hear some knocking. Me, Kit the Mechanic: I... Press the button to open the port and hide there. There’s a gang of basically space cowboys who go ‘well we saw this ship floating about and thought it’d be ripe for pickin’ up but then we got whose ship this is, we’re terribly sorry’ whereas our pilot decides to pretend to call the ones we stole the ship from. She gets instantly shot. There’s rolls for initiative.   DM: Okay Kit, it’s your turn. What do you do. Kit: ......... I close the door and hit the emergency un-dock. Everyone: .... You what DM: ......... *rolls a bunch of dice* .... Huh. 

Then our pilot was stupid enough to start ramming the ship until we all exploded from a chain reaction. Luckily we’d both gotten into our shield suits and the shooter had gotten into the emergency pod, so we didn’t all die instantly. However, we had real fucking trouble trying to get together in the chaos and in the end me and the pilot are just magnetically stuck on the outside of the pod, out of oxygen and DM explains how our shooter just slowly perishes inside the pod. 

DM: You! Me: Ye? DM: Write down six killing blows. They didn’t manage to shut their port. They all died instantly when you un-docked. Everyone: ........... Everyone: ............Lol what Me: Welp I guess I’ll just write down these six killing blows for my DEAD CHARACTER 

Context; Bashag the half orc barbarian, Adea the half elf rogue and Nola the human paladin have gotten themselves wrapped up in the war between magic and non-magic users and also, there’s dragons. It’s a clusterfuck of a battle. We end up facing off against 8 magic users. Thankfully, we have a pet baby dragon and a fire elemental to aid us. However, the battle is going terribly. We’re rolling like shit. Bashag crit fails an attack, so he instead hits Adea with his poisoned morning star. 28 damage and she’s poisoned (that was the largest amount of damage he did in that entire battle). The paladin, the only one who can cure the poison, falls victim to a confusion spell and is basically useless.

Then, to top it all off, one of them manages to cast a spell that makes Bashag sick. He has to roll an even number to not vomit each round. Of course, I don’t roll an even number. The only good thing is that right before this, I’d managed to knock the mage in front of me prone.

DM, chuckling: Bashag, you are vomiting. Like, constantly. You can’t attack this round. Bashag, OOC: Oh for the love of- Okay but like, this guy is still on the ground right in front of me... Can I throw up on him and make him sick? DM: ... You know- *rolls a die and then chuckles* Yep, you can. He’s now also throwing up. There’s vomit everywhere. Bashag, OOC: Did I do any damage? DM: Yeah, like two points.  Bashag, OOC: Sweet, I get to keep my rage! - next round- DM: Okay Bashag, roll to see if you’re still vomiting. Me, Bashag: *rolls* 5. Yep. I am. But hey- Can I move at least? DM: Hm, sure, but only a little.  Bashag: I lean over the mage and throw up straight in his face. DM: Ew, okay, let me just... *rolls* .......

-deafening silence-

DM: ...You just killed him. With vomit. You all see how Bashag pinches this guys nose closed and throws up on him until he drowns.

Context; Our entire party got killed in a dungeon belonging to a magic cult. Our new characters are people who have been kidnapped by the cult, meant to be sacrificed; Bashag the bandit Barbarian, Adea the bandit Rogue and Nola, the royal guard Paladin along with the NPC queen Esme. We’ve fought our way out of the dungeon, ending up in a tavern frequented by the blue-robed cult. There’s only four of them at a table right now.

(Me) Bashag, barbarian: I go up to the table with the blue robe people. I slam my morning star down on the table and ask them “Who is the most important person here?” Adea, rogue: Bashag, no, discreet, remember what I’ve said about being discreet! *hissing whisper* Bashag! DM: Okay, they look at you a bit weird, but a young, rather handsome man rises slightly from the table. He says “I am.” (Me) Bashag, barbarian: I say “Alright” and grab Poppy (his morning star is called that), bring her up over my head and move to bash his head into the table. Adea, rogue: *facepalm* DM, shocked: Uh, ohkayy, roll for attack. (Me) Bashag, barbarian: *rolls* Let’s see heeere.. 24.  DM: OhhhhhKAY you all se Bashag bring up his massive morning star, slamming it down onto this young man’s head and practically merging his face with the table. He’s dead. There’s blood everywhere. (Me) Bashag, barbarian: "So who is the second most important person here?!”

Context; Our group has been through hell trying to stop a necromantic ritual and we’re not even entirely sure how it works. But we end up in a mage’s tower and are faced with the arch mage. On an altar there’s a huge book. We try to talk sense into him, it doesn’t work but he opens a portal. He gives us a choice to leave rather than to be sacrificed in the evening, which was his plan. My human cleric Nima, who is known for touching everything (which has usually been helpful), is looking at the book.

Nima, Human Cleric: ...... I go up to the altar. I open the book.

DM: The portal closes. He splits into three mages. Roll for initiative. He is pissed at you.

Rest of party: YOU CAN’T SHOW HER A BOOK SHE CAN’T TOUCH, OF COURSE SHE’S GOING TO TOUCH IT, SHE TOUCHES EVERYTHING, SHE STOLE 5 BOOKS IN THE LAST ROOM

Assa, Druid: I call forth lightning and strike the mages!

DM: ... You strike the three arch mages, and Nima.

Assa: What?!

DM: She’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM and that spell has an area of effect.

Assa: .... Oh crap.

After a horrible battle, where Nima almost died twice, our ranger got mind controlled and our druid had to fight unarmed because our ranger put a silence on the entire room, we finally manage to kill the arch mage.

DM: There’s a black cloak on the floor, hiding the ash pile that was the arch mage. What do you do?

Nima: ........ I take the book.

DM: As soon as you touch the book you’re all swirling off in a teleportation spell. Good job.