#snake uncle

"the spider is blackmailing drifter you can't think they're friends he's abusing him" those two would blackmail each other as a joke

Osiris: Okay, so imagine a magic button. Drifter: Alright, I'm imaginin' the button. Osiris: If you press the button— Drifter: What color is it? Osiris: —It's the only button. It doesn't matter what color it is. Drifter: Nah, I ain't fallin' for that again. Last time there was a red button and a blue button— Osiris: That was a different thought experiment. Drifter: —and I tried to be a nice guy and pick blue so I could save everybody, but it turns out ya'll a bunch of selfish motherfuckers, and I died. Osiris: It wasn't buttons, it was pills. Drifter: Don't care. I'm out for me this time. What color is the button? Osiris: Ugh, fine. It's red. Drifter: I press the button. Osiris: You don't even know what it does yet! Drifter: And I pull the trolley lever. Osiris: There is no lever! Drifter: Bias for Action. Osiris: Just listen: There's a button that lets you save 10^100 shrimp, however, one random person dies as a result. Would you press it? Drifter: What flavor are the shrimp? Osiris: Flavor?? Drifter: Yeah, you know: garlic, Old Bay, Korean BBQ. Osiris: You're saving the shrimp, not eating them! Drifter: Saving them for what? Osiris: For nothing. They get to live their lives. Drifter: What? Just doin' shrimp stuff? Osiris: Yes. Drifter: How long do shrimp live? Osiris: Uh- well, I'd say it depends on the species? 1-2 years? Drifter: And then what happens? Osiris: They die. Drifter: Seems like a big waste to me. Osiris: How is that a waste? They have the freedom to live full lives! Drifter: Weren't you just tellin' me last week that the hive live in perpetual agony, and we should commit krill omnicide to free from the suffering of the flesh? Osiris: That was last week. I've spent more time researching the hive, and now I've changed my opinion entirely. Drifter: Uh huh. Osiris: It's called updating your priorities. Drifter: Okay, well here's my updated prior: I press the button, let the shrimp live for a year, and then I eat them. Osiris: What?! Drifter: That's right. All of 'em Osiris: You can't eat 10^100 shrimp! Drifter: Alright, then I'll freeze the leftovers. Osiris: You would need a freezer bigger than the universe! Drifter: Really? Osiris: Yes! 10^100 is more than all the atoms in the observable universe! Drifter: Okay, then I have a freezer bigger than the universe. Osiris: You can't just— Drifter: No, wait. Three freezers. One for each flavor. Osiris: You cannot just make up three freezers! Drifter: Why not? Osiris: It's a hypothetical! Drifter: Yeah, I hypothetically have three big ass freezers. Osiris: The point— Drifter: Listen. If you get to throw out a big ass number of shrimp, I get to have some big ass freezers. Braytech freezers. Osiris: The point of the hypothetical— Drifter: Never been a Braytech guy, but you gotta admit— Osiris: The point of the hypothetical is to interrogate our moral intuitions! Drifter: Yeah, well the only thing I want to interrogate right now is a seafood menu. Osiris: I don't think you're engaging with this in good faith. Drifter: Wait, I got a new hypothetical. A counterfactual even. Osiris: Oh really. Drifter: You know what I would've done differently if I knew you were gonna hit me with this mouthwatering supper-time supposition? Osiris, haven given up by now: What. Drifter: I would've had breakfast this morning. Osiris: Fuck you.