#slowburn!au

And that's exactly what Y/n decides to do.

Little does she know, she's already spread it.

Namjoon loves it, and her.

*

The sound of the microphone's feedback combined with the audience's applause is the only indication of the seminars end, for her mind and heart are still stuck back at the stage that she walks away from, swooning at how well the entire ordeal had gone by.

She loved every part of it. The steady grow in confidence the longer she stood on stage was impeccable as the slight tremor in her hands waned away, mic no longer heavy in her hands as she explained the entirety of the project along with Ji-Hoon, highlighting every little detail that they worked on for hours, days, together.

But, oh, nothing could ever compare to the loving warmth she felt when she looked Namjoon in the eye.

It wasn't just her love for him that made her feel warm, but his.

Speaking of which, where is he? She asks herself as she strolls around the long, red carpeted corridors in search of the male.

Y/n had observed him get up half way through the seminar when he saw Seok-Jin arrive and signal for him to come over.

She strolls around for a little while more, a happy little skip accompanying her walk every now and then, much like the skips of her heartbeat as she thinks of finding him, speaking to him, merely being with him, in his presence.

Never once had Y/n thought she would have anything that she did today.

Getting an offer from such a prestigious university was far from the clutches of her thoughts when in high school, because, unlike her current academic scope, she wasn't a high scoring student. 

What was the reason? Well, it could be because of problems at home, or the fear of math, but who cares? They're just excuses. And that attitude, the mere thought of wanting to be better than excuses, gave her hope.

Wanting to better herself and not limit herself to excuses, allowed her to grow room for more.

And liking someone? love? dating? Hah! Not only did Y/n frown upon the ideas, she thought they were unnecessary; blasphemous even.

She didn't believe in the superficial means of dating and attraction that accompanied the teenage dream.

She never believed she would be able to find love at such a young age.

And the fact that she did, makes her feel like a fool.

A fool, yes, but a fool in love.

Y/n turns to walk around the last corner on the left, voice low as she calls out to Namjoon in hopes of getting a reply.

"I know this is surprising Namjoon-ah" Seok-Jin' s voice is but a mumble as it comes from the dim lit room in the corridor. Y/n walks closer, hand raised to knock on the door, but before she can, she hears his voice.

"I'm n-not surprised" Namjoon's pleasant voice cracks, despair tainting it, making her heart drop.

On quiet toes, she moves away from the door and takes a seat on one of the many chairs present by it. It creaks slightly as she does, making her cringe, hoping that they haven't heard her.

"That's the problem.. I'm not surprised" Namjoon continues with a bitter chuckle and it's almost as if she can hear him grit his teeth as he says it.

"A part of me knew this would happen, and yet, I let it happen. I've let her down, hyung."

Oh..

Is it what I think it is?

"And I hate myself for it right now. How am I to tell myself to choose between things that I love, hyung?"

A small part of Y/n knew that a day like this would come. She knew all along.. and yet, let things go on as they were, for as far as they were.

"It's so unfair hyung.." Namjoon sniffles.. wait, sniffles?

He's crying?

Y/n's eyes widen at the thought, heart plunging to her stomach, dismissing the remnants of the butterflies that had pleasantly occupied it earlier. Now, the butterflies flutter their way up to her throat in the form of unshed tears, sitting there in a way that is too uncomfortable for her.

But then, what about this situation is pleasant?

"Namjoon-ah.. I tried.. I really did. But there was nothing more I could-"

Before she can stop it, the unshed tears in her throat escape her in the form of a small whimper, which they hear, no doubt.

"I'm sorry Namjoon-ah" Seok-Jin almost whispers before seemingly walking away, toward the door.

The want to help and comfort his friend weighs him down, head hanging low with the weight. He feels helpless. There's nothing he can do, really.

He comes to a stop beside Y/n and whispers a small, feeble apology, before he continues to make his way out of the corridor, the sound of his receding footsteps heavy like the dense atmosphere.

It's quiet as she listens to the silence that hangs in the air, contemplating on whether or not she should talk to Namjoon.

Hell, why was she even considering the latter?

She turns on her heel and faces the room.

There he stands, face blank, eyes filled to the brim with tears that threaten to spill as he stares at her, the hope that had blossomed up until now nowhere to be seen.

This is the first time Y/n has seen Namjoon cry.

It's always been him that stayed strong, for his mom, Dahee, for Y/n too. Not once has he failed her.

As she walks closer towards him, it becomes clearer as to why he is crying, pieces fitting together way too perfectly for her liking as she feels the familiar sting of hurt and anger prick her in the chest.

"Namjoon-ah" she calls out and his eyes meet hers.

Damn..

The very same eyes that looked at her with hope for more earlier today, stare into hers devoid of it.

Instead of the sparkling light behind those intricate slits, there's a dull, almost tired spark of the simple emotion we like to call love.

Namjoon is.. tired, to say the least.

Tired of having to fight for the smallest slivers of love that he expects from life. Tired of having done so at home, and having to face the same torturous experience here too, with her.

Not with her, please.. not her too!

Anger, contempt and distress bubble through his veins, and before he can stop himself, the emotions seep through his voice like they usually would when around the man that caused a similar kind of pain back at home.

"I do not want to talk about it, Y/n" his voice is curt, a sneer on his face, almost as if there's a.. wall that he's trying to put up around himself, as if he is trying to protect himself.

Protect himself, not from her, but from that miserable concoction of emotions that he whirls in right now.

Y/n feels a familiar prick in her heart, one that she knows all too well.

Never once had Namjoon, her Joon, ever spoken to her like so.

Voice ever so cold, eyes not willing to meet hers as if the very thought was foul. Instinctively, the sirens blare at her, noisily pleading for her to shield herself from the violent pinch in her proverbial heart.

Why? There is no need. This is Joon. He'd never hurt her.

His reaction.. was something she hadn't ruled out, something she considered might happen.

She has seen this before, felt this before.

This miserable instinct of not wanting to let the other person know that they've gotten to you no matter how much it hurt on the inside, might be the only thing that kept her sane back home.

And she completely understands how it might have affected him outside of such a hostile environment too. You see, she's experienced it too.

And she knows that the moment he uttered those words, a huge truck of shame would have crashed down upon him, making the self respect wither and welt away like the last flower in winter.

"Please.. talk to me" she whispers, hand on his shoulder as she tries to swallow the lump of tears down in hopes of staying strong for him.

Silence.

"Joon.. tell me. Is it what I think it is?" Y/n speaks once more, hating the fact that she can't find it in her to truly voice it out.

"I.. I can't Y/n-ah.. I can't do this all over again. I'm tired.." he breaks as pitiful sobs wrack through him.

"How.. how is it fair of him to ask me to choose between you and them?"

So it is that. The cliché "trainees must not date" rule they'd been dreading silently.

It must have been because the producer saw them together that day.. when Joon introduced her to him as his girlfriend.

This is isn't a big deal! We'll move past this.. right?

This.. sure, it might seem dramatic to most people. But to Namjoon, to Y/n, oh, it isn't drama. It's true exhaustion that settles in their bones as they think of how much they'll have to struggle for this too.

It's always been a battle for them. Be it at home, at school, with themselves.. they've always had to struggle for the smallest bits of hope. And now, Namjoon can't seem to find any more strength within himself to get up.

She can see that he's on the verge of letting go.. of giving up.

"Please, Namjoon-ah.. talk to me" Y/n begs, as if hearing his voice will soothe her aching heart.

However, it doesn't.

"No Y/n! I can't talk!"

Her breath hitches, and for the first time around them, uncomfortable silence follows.

Unbeknownst to him, contempt seemed to lace his voice. His face is twisted into a hateful scowl, the tears that stain his face angry, his eyebrows furrowed as if the last thing he wanted was her to see him so vulnerable.

The anger he seems to carry. The contempt. The fact that he doesn't want her to see him vulnerable, without any walls up.. she knows why this is happening. Like said before, sge is all too familiar with the trauma for her liking. She understands.

But, a small part of her can't help but think that maybe.. maybe it was only her that felt comfortable. Maybe she didn't earn all of his trust yet..

That breaks her.

Hot tears roll down her face, burning the skin as they do and she has to grit her teeth to try and calm herself down, eyes closed to try and block out the bright light, feeling all too overwhelmed by everything now.

Before she can let her mind race farther down that dark road, however, she feels herself being engulfed into a hug. One that seems to piece back all that she felt break inside her.

She feels safe in his arms. Warmth. Like a subtle ray of sunlight when out on a cold day.

The pleasant silence returns, loud enough to block out all that noisy chit-chatter.

That's all the apology she requires to soothe her. That's all the love she needs to find her way out. To find hope.

"I.. I can't talk about it" he starts, voice broken. "Because if I do, it would mean that it matters."

"But it does matter, Joon.. doesn't it?" She asks, although she feels no reason to.

She knows it does.

"Of course it does, Y/n. But, that scares me. Because, if it matters, it's real. And when it's real, it hurts." He completes, voice growing more steady, more sure with every word he speaks, almost as if the strength he lost returned as he did.

That's what being in her presence did to him. She gave him strength.

"But it is real. It does hurt, Namjoon-ah. We can't run from it." Y/n shakes her head, gently moving away from him to look at him. "Don't you think it's going to be easier if we do this together?"

"It would.." he nods as he cups her face, wiping away the tears that stained her cheeks. The tears he caused.

Wincing at the thought, he looks away, the pain returning once more.

How could have done this.. ugh.

He was the one that was supposed to protect her from harm if ever threatened.

He was the one that was supposed to keep her safe from pain.

He wasn't supposed to have fucking caused it!

That is the responsibility he took the moment he loved her. The moment she allowed him to do so.

To keep the other's heart safe. That is the responsibility of love.

And he failed, miserably so.

"I'm so sorry, Y/n-ah. I promise.." he feels his voice break once more as he presses his forehead against hers, unable to look her in the eye, ashamed of himself.

".. I promise Y/n..! I never meant to hurt you. Truly.." he begs.

"I know, Joon. I know. But, it.. it hurt that, even though it was for a second, you felt the need to hide how you felt about this from me." Y/n sniffles, hating that she can't stop the small tears although she isn't mad at him.

That, he hates.

She should be mad at him! Not just look at him with those eyes that already whisper words of love and affection.

She should give him a chance to work for it! How else is he supposed to get rid of the guilt he feels? How else is he supposed to feel worthy of her love once more? Of her, in all her grace?

"I can't take back how I said what I said, Y/n-ah. But, I don't know what else to do, but ask you if you can forgive me?" he pleads, voice a mere whisper, as if anything louder would break him.

"Of course I do, Joon." She replies, a small smile making it's way onto her face when he tucks a small strand of her hair behind her ear, staring at her as if she's the most precious to him on this planet.

She is.

"Let me make it up to you.. please. I really am sorry." His shoulders shake ever so slightly with the guilt that consumes him.

"Hey.. hey, I know." Y/n tilts his face up so its no longer looking down with shame, hating how he can't seem to accept her forgiveness. Hating how he's beating himself up for it.

"There's nothing to make up for. You made it better. It's ok, Joon. I'm fine, see?" It's her turn to wipe away the tears streaming down his face, smiling once he nods his head.

"Oh, I love you" he confesses, chuckling once she starts crying once more.

This wouldn't stop anytime soon, would it?

Neither of them are surprised with his confession. Maybe because he just stated what they knew all along.

There isn't much that changes for either of them when he utters the words.

The world doesn't stop, their hearts don't beat faster, there isn't a chaotic dance the butterflies perform.

No. Instead, they feel at peace. Like as if saying those words restored that little bit of hope they needed in the moment.

Of course he had to say it first! This day wasn't going as planned at all..! But then again, she isn't going to complain about this.

"Why? Don't you want me to love you?" Namjoon teases, a cheeky smile on his face as he tries to make the situation better, wiping away her tears once more.

"Shut up..!" She slaps him on the arm with a frown before engulfing him into another hug, laughing at how silly she was being.

"Come on, say it back. You know you want to." he teases more, tickling her once she refuses playfully.

"Ok, ok, fine! I love you too..!" She laughs out, swollen eyes seemingly disappearing when she smiles, nose a tinge of red from all the crying.(blushing too)

"There you go" he smirks cheekily, before leaning down to press a kiss against her forehead, making those butterflies flutter about once more, as if to celebrate the moment, dancing to the beat of hearts that compliment each other.

"What do we do about this.. situation, then?" Y/n asks, glad that they're both in a better frame of mind now.

"What? The one where you can't stop blushing like a tomato? Hm, let me think-" he teases, laughing once she slaps him on the head once more.

"Ok, ok! I'll stop!"

"You're so.. ugh!" She rolls her eyes, as if annoyed by him, although they both know that ain't the situation. The smile she wears gives it away.

"Either way, you still love me"

"Yes, you big old oaf, I do- That's not the point..!"

"Really? I can't help but think of anything but that, however. I wonder why.." He asks, standing up from his spot on the ground.

"Namjoon."

"What?"

"Shut up." She quips, making him laugh out once more as he helps her up onto her feet. He absolutely loved teasing her!

"Come on now, let's get some ice cream and.. you know, talk." He suggests, holding her hand in his warm one.

The walk to the convenience store is quiet, the fresh air just what they need as they think back to what happened, and the situation they're in.

They'd just have to handle it like how they would with any other, they agree. Face it head on, together.

They can't help but smile at the thought of how.. right, it feels to be together as Namjoon shows her the picture of their first outing to the amusement park. One where, much like they are now, eating ice cream, a small bit of it smudged on her nose in the picture.

This day could have gone better, yes. But it doesn't matter. They don't

want a fairy tale. They want each other. At their best, and worst. At their most true moments.

Their love is now stronger than before. Truer than before, because they got through it together.

After all, that's the purpose of their hope, isn't it? To get through tough times. To give each other strength. To be each other's love, and hope.