21 days in and 46′381 words written so far. It’s different this year. I’m writing a supernatural story, werewolves and ancient magic. And it does things to me. Wow. The excessive exchange of thoughts with my friend about my story and their story is nurturing and fruitful in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I also get to know my muse better. She’s not having any rushing from my side. Nuh-huh. Nope. She keeps me right where I have to be to create the basis for this story that is needed to carry the arch I’ve planned and that will spread out when the time has come for it to be told. It’s a wild trip. With the wild, long comments we write each other, my friend and I, I reach easily 5k every day that I jot down in a mad dash. And that’s insane. But it’s the NaNo spirit. And I freaking love it.
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Another snippet from my werewolf AU: Ke Hiki Mai Ka Pō (When The Night Comes)
Danny heard the screams behind him. He had to keep his focus with an iron will on Steve's face. He had to shut up the side who was all cop and wanted to jump into action to save people, organize shelter, find crazed-out omegas. Especially omegas. They were so vulnerable when in panic. Danny's heart hurt for those wild wolves that weren’t able anymore to relate to their senses and their instincts after being thrown into shock.
"Your clothes are helping, Danny. I'm so tired, so confused about what I felt. This weight . . . I still feel it. I don't know what it means. I can't . . . Danny I still can't see clearly. What – "
"Are you okay? Are you hurt? Steve? What's wrong? Nonono! Don't pass out. Steve!" Danny tried to wake Steve up. He shook him. "He's unconscious!" Danny yelled, hoping they would hear him with their heightened hearing. "Kono! Kawika! Help me! I don't know why he just passed out."
Kamekona plowed through the crowd like an ice breaker ship through thick ice. "Leave him be, Danny. Don't wake him up. He needs to be on the ground. It's his wolf that needs to feel the connection." He said with such a strong voice that the order in there was not masked.
"Is he hurt?" Danny stroke Steve's hair, softly growling, ready to snap at everyone who came too close to Steve. He bared his fangs and growled deeply and dangerously.
"Calm now, Danny. No one is going to hurt Steve." Kamekona's entire demeanor had changed. He circled his fingers around Danny's neck and squeezed gently. "We will protect him, Danny. No one gets past us."
Danny almost howled with relief when he felt a strange peace floating through him. He had been sure to bite into Kame's hand to make him back off but instead, he leaned into his touch while his racing heart began to calm down. "Shit, Kame. I'm sorry. It's so strong, the urge to protect Steve. I can't even understand what's happening. We need to move out. We need to help Duke and HPD and we need to pull back and get to the HQ to come up with a plan. The Governor – "
“E mālie (beruhige dich), Danny, keiki ʻīlio hae (Wolfskind),” Kame's thumb rubbed soothingly over Danny's neck, he squeezed some more to make Danny understand.
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Me: I love fanfiction with slow burn and slow built relationships, I love the pining and I want to wait 1628 chapters and three eternity before they get their shit together and end up dating
Also me, two lines into the fanfiction: WHY DON'T THEY JUST KISS OH MY GOD THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING IT'S SO OBVIOUS THAT THEY LOVE EACH OTHER! JUST KISS ALREADY!!!
Warnings : Language, Fire, trauma, PTSD, family members’ death (including child), therapy, flashbacks (not in every chapter), injuries, cheating. Long fic. Angst, fluff, Smut. Mention of suicide.
Words : 5794
Summary : After her grandmother’s funeral, Lily must return to the place she lived in when she was young and has to confront the ghosts of her past. She will run into an old friend that she thought was lost forever.
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CHAPTER 16 - UNDER THE STARS
Lily and Misha spent the afternoon at Brook Park, exploring all the places they used to hang out on, the waterfall near the wooden bridge being their favorite spot. They used to come here often during the weekend, even when the weather was not very good, sometimes with their families to enjoy a barbecue together, but most of the time just the two of them so they could fool around without being caught.
As they sat on a big flat stone in the river, Lily explained to Misha that this was where she'd read her grandmother's letter, Katie by her side. She remembered her words : Take your time... Don't do anything that doesn't feel right, and when he asked her if selling the estates felt right to her, she had to admit it didn't, but she didn't know what else to do. He promised he would help her figure it out if she needed to, suggesting a few ideas about what she could do with the houses, but she clearly wasn't convinced.
For dinner, they went to eat at their favorite restaurant. It was a small and cozy place in town, and they were amazed to see the people who owned it back then were still the same and remembered them perfectly.
That's also where they learnt that every person who knew Lily's family in town thought they all died in the fire. Mrs Jones, the old lady who cooked, even had to get out of her kitchen to check if she heard right when her daughter told her Lily and Misha were here.
“I knew I wasn't crazy! I saw you on TV once and when I said to Catherine 'it's the Krushnic boy!' she said I was crazy because you were supposed to be dead, but I knew it!”
Lily laughed quietly. She hadn't changed a bit! She always had been very straightforward and told what she thought when she thought it, which often leaded to awkward situations.
“Aw look at you, you're so handsome! And even rich now, from what I understood!” She winked at Misha.
Yeah... Just as Lily predicted... awkward. But she wasn't done, she turned to Lily and cupped her flushing face.
“I thought I would never see this pretty face again! You look so much like your mother! You haven't changed that much... except that weird hair color but whatever.”
Misha snorted and hid his mouth with his hand to not show he wanted to laugh.
“What are you doing now, Lily?” Mrs Jones sat at a table and asked them to join her, while her daughter brought them some drinks.
“I'm a professional violinist at the Seattle Symphony Orchestra.”
The old lady clapped her hand in excitement.
“Oooh that's lovely! I remember you played in the school orchestra indeed! So what brings you busy heads back in our quiet little town?”
Misha was very quiet, but he really enjoyed this little reunion.
“We're actually here to... umm... move on and maybe find some answers. What happened in 1990 is still very blurry for us.” Lily explained.
Mrs Jones was very surprised to learn that they found each other back only a few months ago.
“Really? It didn't tilt when you saw that handsome face in your TV?”
Lily almost sarcastically thanked her for reminding her that she wasted years with Misha because of this, but she knew the old lady meant well.
“I don't... watch TV that much.” She replied shyly and cleared her throat.
Misha decided it was time to step in the conversation to avoid more awkwardness.
“Any chance you could clarify a few details about the night of the fire or what happened next?”
She looked up and squinted her eyes, visibly trying to remember anything she could.
"There was an article in the local newspaper the day after it happened. It clearly said that no one from the Hagen family survived. It was a little more vague about your family, Misha, because they didn't clearly name you, but it was obvious for the people who knew you at the time that you all passed. I still have the article if you wanna read it."
Lily glanced at him and nodded.
“That would help us a lot, Mrs Jones. Thank you!”
The old woman asked her daughter to go get the box where she kept every articles about the people she knew (which was a lot!), and finally found what she was seeking and handed it to Lily who put it down on the table between her and Misha so he could read too.
NORTHFIELD : TRAGIC OUTCOME IN HAGEN'S FARM
By Leslie Shepherd.
Fire crews have left the scene of a devastating fire in Hagen's Farm's main house. Half of the property was destroyed.
The fire was extinguished at 6.30am after burning for roughly an hour.
Three persons were taken to hospital to be treated for smoke inhalation and fire wounds, but saddly succumbed to their injuries later in the morning.
The fire is not being treated as suspicious.
We all will remember the Hagen's Family thanks to the very respected Simon Hagen who devoted his whole life to make our county a better place, especially for our children.
His wife, Bethany, is now the last member of this beloved family, as her daughter-in-law Mary (42), granddaughter Elise (16) and grandson Ryan (6) were found dead when the fire crew arrived.
The article was short, but full of lies! Who the hell was so eager to see them all dead and spread that stupid rumor ruining their lives in the process?
Misha swore to her he would find out.
Reading this crap made Lily's anger grow.
“They didn't even mention you or any member of your family!”
Misha looked at her and couldn't hide his bitterness.
“You were part of the respected family, we were just nobody. I'm not surprised. But I don't look so bad for someone who succumbed to my injuries in the hospital, right?”
He took a photo of the article with his phone, knowing his mom and Sasha would want to read it too.
“I would really love to find that Leslie Shepherd to ask who she had her information from.”
Lily had to admit she was curious too and the idea was tempting, but they were supposed to go back home the next day and probably would have no time to go to the newspaper's offices.
Mrs Jones stood up to head back to her kitchen.
“I will help you if you need to. I was very sad to know Bethany was all alone when obviously it wasn't true.”
Lily thanked the old woman and quickly explained what they did and where they went after the fire, and they finally ordered their meal.
They ate quickly and went to buy camping supplies before going back to the farm. Thankfully, it was late August, the days were still long, so it wasn't dark when they arrived.
Misha parked the car at the end of the road, near the wooden sign, and they were now standing on the cross path between the pond and the cottage, with their suitcases and all of their stuff.
"So... Where do you wanna sleep?" Misha asked playfully, the excitement in his voice was almost palpable.
"I already know what you're gonna reply, but I'd say in safety inside the cottage?"
He glanced at her sideways with a smirk.
"And what am I going to reply, smartass?"
She lowered her voice trying to imitate his sarcastic tone, puppetting her hand and lolling her head at the same time.
"Oh come on, Lily that's the easy way, where is your adventurous side? We need to sleep in the cold night among the spiders and the rats!"
He burst out laughing at her lame imitation.
"Bats and Raccoons too!" He mocked.
She slapped his arm.
"I hate ya! What other crazy plan do you propose?"
He rubbed his arm, pretending she hurt him.
"No need for such violence! I thought we could just lay on the grass in the house's backyard or something. Or maybe near the willow tree? Like we did for your twelfth birthday, you know... back when you weren't a woosie..."
"Oh right, I remember that night. I particularly enjoyed the snake paying me a visit in my sleeping bag. Good times!"
His brows raised and his face lightened with a huge grin.
"Are you sure it was a snake?"
She frowned and innocently looked at him, confused.
"What else could it b-"
She paused and opened her mouth wide, inhaling in shock.
"Oh you dog! We were way too young for that!"
He laughed, crinkling his nose which accentuated his wrinkles and she couldn't help smiling back at him, thinking it was the cutest thing she'd ever seen. He had always been cute, or at least that's what she thought, but he really aged up well.
Misha started to walk towards the pond and she followed, dragging her feet.
"Remind me to take a smaller suitcase next time!" She huffed carrying all of her stuff and pulling at her suitcase.
"Stop complaining, we're almost there!"
"Why did we take all of our stuff with us since we're going to sleep outside anyway?"
"Because rule number one: Never let anything behind in a car, especially when it's a rental car."
When they arrived at the pond, Misha put his stuff down in the small waterfront cabin.
" Right, because leaving our stuff in the nature like that is so much safer..."
"Lily..." She heard his threatening voice and stopped settling her bags to turn around and look at him, not liking this tone too much.
As soon as she made eye contact, he grabbed her by the hips and lifted her on his shoulder.
"You will learn to behave."
Oh no not again!
He walked towards the small pier and she understood what he had in mind.
"Oh my god, Misha, no! I'm sorry! I will be nice! Promise!"
He kept walking with her struggling on his shoulder, slapping his back.
"Noooo!!! Please! I'm so so sorry! I won't complain anymore! It's gross in there!! I'll stink like rotten mud!!"
He ignored her protest and her kicks.
"It's called nature scent. You'll fit in perfectly after that, animals won't bother you tonight.”
When he stepped on the pier, he tried to lift her to throw her in the water but she gripped tight on his shirt, almost ripping it.
“Please noooooooo! I'll do what you want! It's full of frogs and fishes and... Oh god please no!!”
“Yeah, and sharks. I can't be bought, no need to bargain.”
He managed to grab her wrists to keep her from clinging to him, and he finally threw her in the cold dark green and smelly water. She splashed in it in a glorious “Aaahhhh!” and Misha took his phone out while she was swimming in the surface, swiping her sticky hair out of her face and spiting water in a cough.
That was priceless!
He was breathless but he managed to laugh anyway.
“You're dead, Krushnic! Oh Jesus fucking Christ, it's fucking cold... and gross!”
She couldn't get out of the water by the pier that was too high, and as the water was deep where they were, she had to swim to reach for the beach and get out.
Misha was still on the pier with his phone in his hand.
“Don't take pictures!!” she yelled.
He chuckled.
“I'm not!”
“I see you! Oh god you better run fast because when I get out- AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! I felt something on my leg!!!”
“It's a shark! Swim faster!” He was now giggling hysterically.
Lily ran out of the water and laid on the grass a few seconds to catch her breath, before standing up and walking towards Misha with a deadly look on her face.
“Put that damn phone away!”
“Say hi, you're live!”
She froze. “WHAT???”
Oh no he didn't...
“2568 people watching right now. They say hi, by the way!”
She ran next to him and tried to catch his phone, but of course he extended his arm high up to film from above, and as he was much taller, she couldn't reach it despite her jumps.
“Alright guys, I got a situation here, I gotta go. Wish me luck. Bye!”
Misha ended the livestream and threw his phone in his pocket.
As they were still on the pier, Lily suddenly pushed him, but he resisted and her attempt to give him the same treatment failed miserably. He ran away from the pier but she followed. She kept chasing him as they were now running up the path towards the cottage, but she forgot he was a fast runner and she soon got out of breath.
She had an idea though...
When he turned to look back at her, she pretended to fall and stayed down, trying to catch her breath. He immediately stopped in his track and ran back.
“Lily!” He screamed, worried she might've hurt herself.
Oh Misha... SO predictable!
He crouched down when he was next to her. She sat on the grass and gave him a devilish gaze.
“You're weak, Krushnic...”
He understood she played him and winced.
“And you... have a tiny frog on your shoulder.”
She jumped.
“AAAAAAAHHH!!!! GET IT OFF!!!”
She looked at her shoulders but saw nothing. When she turned back at Misha, he was laying down holding his stomach, laughing his ass off.
“What are you, twelve?”
“You deserved it. I told you, you will learn to behave.”
She looked down at herself and pouted.
“I'm wet.”
All Misha could answer was “Mmmh...” suggestively, so she squinted at him and turned back to reach the waterfront cabin and go change.
While she was busy changing into a dry pair of jeans and a sailor shirt, Misha found the main power switch and tried to turn it on because the night was now falling fast so they'd soon be in the dark. It surprisingly worked after a few tries, and the lights around the pound and inside the cabin turned on.
“I'm impressed, MacGyver!”
He smirked but didn't say anything, searching through the bags he brought from the store.
“I think we need a little treat now.” He triumphantly showed the marshmallow pack.
“Oooh... sounds great. How do you plan to do that?”
“Well... we need a fire.”
From all the stupid things he said since she knew him, it was probably the lamest.
“You can't be serious.”
He stopped picking up rocks from the ground to stare into her eyes.
“Deadly.”
Was he pushing her to fight or something? She really didn't like that idea!
“This is the stupidest idea of all time.”
“Why? Just because you're scared?”
She scoffed. “I'm not!”
He arranged a few rocks into a circle and put some wood and dry herbs inside before searching his bag for a lighter.
“Yeah, you are!”
She looked around her... They were in the nature, among grass and dry herbs and trees, what could go wrong?
“Okay maybe I am... but have you looked around you? That's a bad idea.”
“I know what I'm doing.” He replied while crouching down.
He lighted the fire and when she saw the flames and smelled the smoke, she panicked and said the meanest, cruelest and dumbest thing ever, regretting it the second it split out of her mouth.
“If it turns bad, I'll let you burn this time.”
Stunned, Misha stood up and looked away from the fire to stare at her and shake his head, only to see her with both her hands slapped on her mouth and her eyes wide open, a look of horror in her glassy green eyes.
“I'm sorry... Misha...” she whispered shamefully and stepped closer to him. “I didn't mean that.”
It was so awful and she felt so bad when she saw the pain on his face that the tears she tried to hold back suddenly burst forth like water from a dam, running down her face. She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tight, hands clutching at his shirt, burring her face in his chest and talking between loud sobs, barely able to form words.
“Misha, I'm s-so s-sorry... I d-don't know w-what-...”
Misha sighed and closed his eyes, his chin resting on top of her head. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and shushed her.
“I know. It's fine, Lily.”
He slowly rocked her as her tears were soaking his shirt, and it soothed her immediately. She felt a bit better, feeling the warmth of his muscular chest and hearing his steady heartbeat and breath.
He pulled back just enough to take her chin in his right hand and lift it up so she could look at him, not breaking their embrace. His heart broke a little when he saw her crumpled face all wet from her tears. He could see how heavy the load of fear and guilt was in her reddened eyes.
He leaned down his head and left a quick but very soft kiss on her lips. She shut her eyes tight and leaned to kiss him back desperately, deepening it a little while cupping his face between her shaky hands.
She broke the kiss and sank into his blue eyes.
“I'm a monster.” She whispered holding his gaze.
He sniffed and smirked.
“I'll call you Nessy then... you sure smell like it.”
She had forgotten she was bathing in the smelly pond just a few minutes ago. She pulled back from his embrace very fast to smell her arm skin.
“Damn! I'll be back...”
She ran to the cabin and searched for the wipes she luckily carried everywhere, and after using almost all of them, she finally smelled better and went back to the beach where Misha was sitting next to the fire.
She sat next to him and stared at the fire, the yellow flames reflecting in her eyes.
“Mmh now you smell like... Maison's ass when I just changed her diaper.”
She snorted and took a stick to grill her first marshmallow.
“Why did you call your daughter Maison?” She asked while eating her candy.
“Because she will always feel like home to me.”
“Aw, that's cute!”
“Her middle name is Mary. To remind me of my first home...”
She stopped chewing to look at him. She couldn't believe he considered her mom's house like his first home... He was already a teenager when he moved in and he traveled a lot, but it was just hard to think he never considered any place like home before that time. She shook that thought from her head quickly before she could be overwhelmed by emotion. She had cried enough for the day.
“Why West then?”
“That I don't know... It just sounded great to us and we weren't inspired... Well, we had an original idea but it sounded too weird and I had sort of a bad experience with strange names so we kept it for his middle name.”
We...
She couldn't help the sting in her heart when he was talking about his family with such tenderness.
“What's his middle name?”
“Anaximander.”
Silence.
They could only hear the fire cracking and the crickets chirping.
Misha turned to glance at her with a smirk, proud of himself.
“That's... uncommon.” She cleared her throat.
“That's the point. He was a Greek Philosopher that Vicki, being the nerdy smartass that she is, liked a lot, and I found the name funny so we went with it.”
“Okay... Why not. At least there are good chances that he will forever be unique.” She chuckled.
“He still hadn't forgotten you promised to teach him how to play the piano by the way.”
She smiled, chewing on her second marshmallow.
“I will... I just hope he's more patient than you were!”
“Hey! I was the perfect student! I still can play the letter for Elise you know, I'm not completely rusted.”
Right... She taught him how to play the Beethoven piece when they were fourteen. He heard her play it once, on the grand piano in her grandma's house, and he liked it a lot. When he asked her what it was called and she told him it was named like her, he immediately wanted to learn how to play it for her.
That was Misha... always full of cute little attentions for her. How can you not fall for someone like that when you're an innocent and romantic teenage girl dreaming of true love?
“I'd be curious to hear that.” She gave him a sweet smile and he nodded.
“So... Talking about kids... You never wanted to be a mother?”
He had a gift to ask for the most embarrassing questions...
She sighed and glanced at her feet.
"I did once... When it became serious with Peter."
He frowned, his features twisting in something that almost looked like disgust.
“Really? With him?”
She gave him her biggest bitchface.
“He was good with me and we loved each other. We made a lot of plans. I just didn't... I never imagined he could be so stupid. Love is blind, obviously.”
Misha looked down at the fire. It was his turn to feel the sting in his heart now.
“Well it's a good thing you had no children then... Didn't he want that too?”
“Yes, he did. We tried but... I can't have kids.”
"You can't?"
"No. When it didn't work, we went to the doctor and they found something wrong with me. Probably due to a shock or a surgical procedure in my childhood. They say I have like... 2% chances of conceiving. So basically none."
He didn't know how to react. There was a time when he hesitated to have kids, but knowing the possibility was there was still reassuring somehow. Now that his kids were born, he couldn't imagine what it must feel like to know this could never happen, especially for a woman.
"How do you feel about that?"
She smiled weakly but it didn't reach her eyes.
"I'm... sort of okay with it. It was hard at first but I got over it, especially now that Peter is gone. Everything happens for a reason... I'm probably not shaped to be a good mom."
Misha clenched his teeth. He could see she was bitter, but what she just said was unacceptable for him.
"You're the granddaughter of Simon Hagen and the daughter of Mary... You definitely have the perfect parent gene. If it happened for a reason, it's because he is not shaped to be a good dad."
She giggled bitterly. "I guess I'll buy a cat then!"
"Do you still love him?" He asked, suddenly very serious.
She frowned.
"I'm... not sure. My feelings are a bit messy those days.”
“You think?” He scoffed.
She suddenly remembered the night she spent with Peter not so long ago and couldn't look at Misha in the eyes anymore.
“Plus who cares? I can't forget nor forgive what he did to me... And yet look at me... I did the same to Vicki." Her eyes reddened and she looked down, once more feeling mortified.
Misha observed her sadly.
“Don't do that to me, Lily.”
She looked up to him and made eye contact, wondering what he was talking about.
“Don't push me away just because you're scared of what you fear could happen with my family.”
“How can I live with myself knowing I'm destroying it? How can I look myself in a mirror after that, Misha? Why is it so hard for you to understand? I don't want you to lose more than you already have!”
He took a deep breath.
“If I wasn't married, would you consider resuming our relationship? Would you still want the things we wanted when we were sixteen? Would you surrender and stop running away?”
He took her hand and waited patiently for her answer, focusing on the orange glow in her eyes from the dying fire.
“You don't build anything with ifs.” She replied in a whisper.
“Answer the question. Please.”
He wouldn't give up this time, he needed answers, he needed to be sure she wanted the same as he did.
She hesitated but held his pleading gaze.
“Yes, probably.” She swallowed. “But-”
“No ifs and buts.” He interrupted harshly. He had his answer, it was all he needed to hear. She still loved him, he knew that, he could feel it, and one day she would say it back again.
He suddenly stood up and stepped on the fire.
“Geez, Misha! What the fuck?” She screamed, jumping from her spot and grabbed his arm to pull him away from it.
“We're out of marshmallows, we don't need the fire anymore. Or maybe you would prefer to let it burn all night and expend on the whole land?” He raised his eyebrow, amused by her unjustified fear.
“Oh... right. Sorry. Bad reflex.” She let go of his arm, happy that the dark night was hiding her blushing cheeks.
Misha walked towards the cabin and grabbed the sleeping bags, blankets and pillows.
“Time to settle for the night!”
He walked around the pond and through the bridge to reach the place where the willow tree was proudly standing, put one blanket on the ground, the two sleeping bags on it, settled the pillows against the trunk of the tree, one more blanket on top, and turned to look at Lily.
“Doesn't it look comfy?”
She had to admit it didn't look bad.
“Let's try it then.” She said laying down and leaning against the pillow.
“It is pretty comfy!”
Misha smiled and did the same, and they were soon silently lying at the foot of the tree next to each other. It was dark, but the floor lamp near the bridge gave them a weak glow so it wasn't too spooky. They could hear the frogs croaking near the water and the soft breath of the wind in the falling leaves of the willow tree above them. They were so thick that they could barely see the stars.
Misha rolled on his side and put his hand under his face to support him.
“Let's play.”
She chuckled.
“Aren't we a little old for this?”
“Never! There are still tons of things we don't know about each other. So... I'm gonna ask you a question, and then you answer and ask me one and so on, until we fall asleep, because I wanna know everything.”
“Oh god we really are sixteen again! Alright... Shoot.”
He decided to start easy, focusing first on what he didn't know anything about: her job.
“What's your favorite piece of music to play?”
“Oww, hard to pick only one!” She wined looking at the sky.
“Try!”
“Okay, let me think...” She thought about it a moment, trying to look for a piece she could play forever without being tired of it.
“Umm, I'd say Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Nice choice! I didn't even know you could play that with an orchestra to be honest.”
“Oh God shame on you, it means I really need to take you with me to hear a few concerts.”
“Anytime.” Misha replied with a huge smile lightening his face.
Lily played with a lock of her hair while she thought about her question.
“My turn! I'll go for the same kind of question: What's your favorite episode of Supernatural you played in?”
That was an easy one for Misha, good thing about being away for conventions was that he was pretty much ready for about every questions she could ask.
“The French Mistake. Because we all got to make fun of ourselves and it was hilarious. You'll have to watch it to understand what I'm talking about though.”
“Yeah, I will eventually have to buy a TV.” Lily laughed which gave Misha the time to ask another one.
“Next question: How many serious relationships did you have ?”
Oh boy... that was awfully direct.
“Uuuh... It's kinda hard to tell.”
Misha sat up straight, his eyes popping out.
“THAT many???”
Lily raised both hands.
“Nooo, no! Who do you think I am? I mean it depends on when you consider a relationship is becoming serious you know... I don't...” She sighed in defeat, not bothering finishing her sentence.
“Hey! Don't wimp out! I'm not judging. Promise.” He encouraged her, being very curious now.
“Alright, alright... I'd say... Two?”
That was kind of a surprise, he expected way more than this considering she wasn't married.
“Only two? Including me?”
“Well... yeah. Why? Do you think I wanna marry every guy I meet or what?”
“Geez I hope not. So me and... Peter? Is that it?”
“Hey that's way more than one question, you're cheating! Why do you wanna know anyway?”
Misha had actually tons of questions about everything that happened to her, but he couldn't ask everything in one night, could he?
“I don't know, I'm just curious I guess. I'm married for years and you're not so... since we're the same age I just imagined you had more than two serious relationships in your life, that's all.”
“Well you were wrong. It's rare enough to find someone you love and trust to spend your entire life with, even more rare to find a second one, I guess that's it for me, at least for this life.” Lily laughed nervously, staring down at her hands.
“What about the non-serious relationships then?”
“You're asking way to many questions, I think this is my turn, Mr Collins.”
She had a strange way to insist on his name everytime she said it, it almost sounded like she didn't like it.
“Alright, but don't think you're out with this one.”
Lily cleared her throat.
“Do you have any regret?”
Misha scoffed and shook his head.
“I always say you can't have regrets, you have to learn from your mistakes, but yeah... I regret filming Karla, I regret insisting with my mom to go to the beach instead of going back here earlier to give your grandpa his Christmas presents when he was still alive, I often regret Castiel's voice but that's my bad... I regret we didn't go to sleep on the beach on June 29th 1990 like I wanted to...”
June 29th 1990... The night of the fire. She completely forgot about that. Misha wanted to sneak out of the farm that night and go to the park's beach with Lily to celebrate the beginning of the summer holidays.
But Lily thought it was too cold and she preferred the coziness of her bedroom so she insisted to stay. She told him they could go another night, but fate decided otherwise.
She turned on her side to face him as he stopped talking for a while, lost in his memories.
“I'm not blaming you for anything, just to be clear.” Misha pointed out.
“I know. But where would we be today if it never happened? What would've happened in the morning when I would've come home to see a burnt house and my family dead because I left to have a good time with my boyfriend? Would we still be together? Would you be an actor today? Would you be happy and famous and loved by thousands of people?”
“We will never know. But if I'd have to chose between you and my career, Castiel would certainly not have my face today.”
That was a touching answer and a very emotional moment... until Lily heard something moving in the high herbs behinds them and froze. She gripped on Misha's forearm.
“Did you hear that?”
He did, but it was probably the wind, or maybe a harmless rodent and frankly, he didn't care. Lily looked at the direction of the noise and winced.
“I'm sure there's someone.”
“Seriously? Who would be here in the middle of the night, Lily? Just ignore it.”
“I don't know but... I saw a shadow moving...”
“Oh it's probably a ghost then. You can relax, I have salt.”
She looked at him confused.
“Salt?”
He chuckled.
“Don't worry about it. I work too much. Just come here and ignore the noises, it's just the wind, really.”
He extended his right arm and offered her to snuggle against him. She hesitated a few seconds, but when she saw he wouldn't pull his arm back, she gave in and laid against him, her head on his chest and her left arm on his waist. He wrapped his arm around her and stroked her hair away from her face gently.
She shivered against him, feeling the warmth of his body contrasting with the chill of the night, and he groaned weakly when she squirmed, enjoying her proximity a little too much.
“Lily... if you keep doing that I will have a serious manly problem...”
She froze a second but looked up to him before sitting up and getting inside the sleeping bag.
“Sorry.”
He did the same, sensing they would fall asleep soon, and they moved back to their snugly position right after.
Misha sighed. It was so pleasant to lay under the tree with her again, under the stars.
“Can we just stay like this forever?” He whispered.
She smiled weakly.
“I wish.”
He leaned his head a little to softly kiss the top of her forehead.
“I don't even want to think about what life would be without you again. I don't know how I survived.”
She closed her eyes, melting in his words. She just looked up and gave him a faint smile before tenderly kissing his cheek. Her whole body and soul wanted to say 'I love you' at that moment, but she couldn't resolve herself to say it. She had no right.
Summary : Kyungsoo learns at an early age that he is to be seen but not heard.
Gwen : Oh my god, this fic was so good ! It’s been a while since I’d read Kaisoo fictions but honestly, this fic got me to it all over again. I find difficult to find a good royalty AU but this one is awsome ! The writing is good, the plot is good, the slow built is really good ! Basically, I have nothing to say except go read it !
Link : https://archiveofourown.org/works/10883199/chapters/24183294
Warnings : Language, Fire, trauma, PTSD, family members’ death (including child), therapy, flashbacks (not in every chapter), injuries, cheating. Long fic. Angst, fluff, Smut. Mention of suicide.
Words : 5983
Summary : After her grandmother’s funeral, Lily must return to the place she lived in when she was young and has to confront the ghosts of her past. She will run into an old friend that she thought was lost forever.
WWWY Masterlist
AO3 link
Tags : @jhudawnareeves
CHAPTER 20 – TODAY IS THE DAY.
Northfield – June 9th 1989
School should be illegal when it's warm and sunny outside.
Lily couldn't concentrate, the only think she could think about was going outside, anywhere but between walls. The park would be great, it must be so beautiful right now, wild life taking its rights back after a long and cold winter. Spring was her favorite season; The trees becoming greener and greener, the smell of pollen, the warm sun kissing her skin, flowers blooming... she would kill to go near the waterfall just to blow on dandelions.
She could at least make a wish, and if she could wish something, she would wish Misha was here. But he was far away, gone to Washington because his mother had a new boyfriend there. She hadn't seen Misha since December, and it was torture. He and his family left soon after Christmas, and since that day, everytime Lily walked pass the cottage, a piece of her heart died seeing it so empty and lifeless.
Was it possible to miss someone that much? Was she normal? And who knows what he was doing when he was so far away... He could meet anyone, and fall for another girl, and he would forget about her, and she would never see him again. After all they were not officially together, they haven't told anyone about their friendship turning into something romantic, nobody knew about that, they were hiding it to their families and friends, probably because it was something they didn't understand quite well yet, or maybe was it something not serious? It was for her, but she had no idea if Misha was sharing this feeling.
Before he left, he promised Lily he would wait for her, but who knew if their relationship was strong enough to beat the distance and the times apart?
“Miss Hagen? Would you like to share your little daydream session with the class? Considering the look on your face it must be exciting. Are you at your birthday party already?”
Every student turned to look at her, which of course made her blush furiously. It was indeed her birthday today, and she had planned a party for tonight. Her math teacher knew about it because his daughter was a friend and she was invited.
“Sorry Mister Anderson.” She simply replied, finding her math book very interesting all of a sudden.
She had to be patient twenty more minutes, then she would be free to finally go to the park for a walk before going back home and get everything ready for the party.
And those were the longest twenty minutes ever, but when the bell finally rang, she almost jumped from her seat and rushed out.
“Hey birthday girl! Wait for me!” her friend Sara called, almost running to catch her. Lily stopped in front of her locker and opened it to put her stuff inside.
“Where are you running to so fast? Your party is in four hours only!”
“I wanna go to the park first, have you looked outside? The weather is so nice I almost feel like I have wings growing on my back.”
Sara laughed “Is that what you were dreaming about during math class?”
“Yeah. I couldn't wait to be out of here.”
That was a lie, but she didn't want to share too much with her, right now she just wanted to go. She closed her locker and walked towards the main exit with Sara. When she got out of the building, she froze at the top of the stairs and looked straight ahead.
“What's going on? I thought you wanted to get out of here and now you're not moving?” Sara pressed.
Misha was standing near the bus stop, leaning back against the fence, patiently waiting with his arms crossed. Lily thought she had an hallucination first, but when Misha saw her staring at him, he straightened up and he gave her a wide and brightful smile before starting to walk towards the stairs.
“I'll see you tonight, Sara.”
Lily walked down the stairs, slowly first, but as Misha was getting closer she sped up more and more until she was almost running. They met at the bottom of the stairs, falling in each other's arms.
“Happy birthday, Lily. I missed you.” Misha purred in her ear, and if he hadn't held her, she probably would've melted into a puddle.
She hugged him even tighter.
“I missed you too. When did you come back?”
“Two hours ago. We drove for two days.”
She broke the hug to look at him but kept her hand on his shoulder.
“Look at you! Have you worked out or something?”
He was indeed more muscular and tanned, he had cut his long blond hair, and she found he looked absolutely gorgeous.
He laughed, obviously very amused.
“Sawing huge trees will do that to you.”
“Oh. Well, you'll tell me everything on the way, I was going to the park.”
She took his hand and led him in the right direction. They talked and walked holding hands until they reached the spot they loved so much near the waterfall, under the trees. They both sat cross-legged on the grass facing each other.
Misha looked at her transferring all her hair on one shoulder and smiled tenderly.
“So... do I have to beg to have a kiss or did you just move on while I was away?”
Oh... so apparently he still wanted this too.
“You're the one who went to a big city full of beautiful girls, I should be the one asking that question.” she shyly replied.
“Didn't I promise I would wait for you?”
“Yes... you did, but...”
“But what? You think I lied? Is that all the trust you have in me?”
He didn't sound mad, he sounded disappointed in her, and that was even worse.
She felt so stupid right now, and so ashamed! She should've known Misha wasn't that kind of guy.
“Misha... I don't wanna fight. I'm so sorry.” she looked down and played with a blade of grass.
He took her hand to make her stop and lifted her chin so she would look at him in the eyes.
“May I kiss you now, miss Hagen?”
She smiled at him and bit her lower lip.
“You may, Mister Krushnic.”
He didn't wait any longer. He knelt in front of her and gently pressed his lips on hers.
Oh God how she missed him! It felt like breathing again after spending months underwater. She was so eager to feel more than she broke the kiss to place her legs on each side of his thighs and sit. Misha looked up at her, she took his face in her hands and kissed him again, this time opening her mouth to give him full access.
It felt so good that she almost thought about asking him to go home to her room where they would be free to do more than that, but they had never talked about it before so she didn't and kept kissing him with passion, proving him how much she'd missed him.
Misha couldn't help it... she was wearing a skirt and was straddling his laps devouring him, how could he resist after months dreaming about being with her? His hands traveled along her thighs and plunged under her skirt to end their way on her butt.
It didn't stop her in her task, she didn't broke the kiss. She was still exploring his mouth with her tongue, her hands were in his hair, and the more he squeezed, the fiercer she became.
Misha wasn't long to react either, and when Lily felt his obvious arousal between her legs, she stopped kissing and looked at him with lust.
That was something she'd never felt before, but she sure liked it a lot! Just thinking she was the one provoking that reaction in him drove her wild, so she decided to help a little, and she started to sway on his thighs, still staring in his eyes.
When Misha felt her moving against him, he almost lost it and shut his eyes tight, letting a moan accidentally slip out of his mouth. Lily had a devilish look on her face and moved a little faster against his jeans, now staring into his eyes, feeling her panties getting wetter and wetter.
He opened his eyes when he heard her weak moan, and seeing her like that on his laps felt like heaven. His hands were still on her ass, but he wanted to taste more of her, so he kissed a spot on her neck, right under her ear, and she moaned again, this time a little louder. He traveled to her jaw line to leave wet kisses, and she took his face in her hands again, caressing his cheeks with her thumbs and now panting in his mouth.
Lily was desperate to feel more pressure, so she pressed her body harder against his. She never stopped swaying her hips and was now moaning over and over again, trying not to be too loud because they were outside in a public place. Misha gasped when he felt he couldn't hold it anymore, he gripped her ass hard, buried his head on the crook of her neck and came in his pants.
When Lily realized what she did to him, she came too, biting her own fingers so she wouldn't scream, as good as it felt.
She stopped moving but stayed on him. They were both catching their breath, hugging each other.
“Welcome back.” Lily said out of breath.
Misha chuckled, trying to regain composure, but he was almost seeing stars.
“I was the one supposed to give you a birthday present.”
“You just did.” She looked at him and left a quick peck on his lips.
“I'll have to stop by the cottage to change or your mom is going to kill me when she sees me with my pants like that.”
Lily burst out laughing. She certainly didn't think about that.
“Don't worry I will tell her you were so happy to see me again that you peed, like our dog!”
It was Misha's turn to laugh, but he deflated when she asked her next question.
“Will you stay this time?”
He lost his smile, unable to reply and just looked at her. When Lily understood what his sad look meant, she moved back to sit on the grass again and smoothed down her skirt.
“How much time do we have?” she asked sadly.
Misha looked down and swallowed.
“I don't know. Mom wanted to come back because she misses your family, but she didn't say how long. I'm assuming just a few weeks since she will probably miss her boyfriend soon.”
Lily took a deep and long breath, obviously trying to hide her disappointment but failing miserably.
“I hate it as much as you do, Lily. I love this place and I feel at home, but she's my mother... what can I do?”
She gave him a weak smile.
“Nothing... I get it, Misha. Really. It's okay. Just... It's harder and harder everytime you leave. And I have to admit I hate being away from you for so long.”
Misha took her hand and stood up so she followed his lead. He took her other hand in his too and stepped closer to leave a sweet kiss on her lips.
“But I'm here right now. Can we please enjoy the moment? We'll deal with that later.”
She smiled weakly. “Sure... we have a birthday party to attend.”
Misha nodded and they both walked away from the park, ready to party with their friends for the night, pretending everything was alright.
*****************************
“Misha, I'm staying in Austria for a year.... at least.”
After their phone conversation for Christmas, Misha had asked her to call him to know what she wanted to do, and that's what Lily decided. She had this great opportunity, she didn't want to screw it up, and she thought being away from him long enough would set things right.
As hard as it was for Misha, he respected her decision as best as he could. She never said it on the phone, but he knew what it meant: she wanted to move on and she didn't want him back in her life, at least not the way he wanted to be back. Who knows? Maybe she would even meet someone and fall in love in Europe. He hated the idea, but he couldn't forbid her to live her life as she wanted. As long as she was happy, he could deal with it.
Life went on pretty fast after that. Misha had his job and his family, Lily had her job too, and a new life to live. They called each other a lot, they also met a couple times a year when Misha traveled to Europe for conventions, and that was fine. No more drama, not so much tears, no guilt for Lily. She was in peace knowing he was happy taking care of the ones he loved, and that was the most important thing to her.
They never spoke about their past relationship again, not even on the phone, not even with their closest friends.
THE END
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(I'm kidding!)
April 2015, Vancouver – Canada.
Lily decided to go back to America in the beginning of 2015, after spending another Christmas away from the ones she loved the most. She made new friends in Vienna, but she missed Katie terribly, Misha too of course, and she was dying to see Rebecca and Sasha again.
It took her some time, more than a year had past, but at the beginning of spring 2015 she was finally back in her old apartment in Seattle, and she hadn't been happier in a long time. Katie and her had time to catch up, and Lily was very surprised to learn she was now dating David, her ex coworker and friend. When she thought about it, it was true they were always hanging out together even after work, it was just a matter of time they'd fall in love with each other, and Lily was very happy to hear that two of her best friends were now a couple.
She didn't tell Misha she was back in Seattle, and she told Katie to stay quiet about it too. Katie's first reaction was to jump and scream at Lily with fierce, but she calmed down and accepted the deal when Lily told her she just wanted to surprise him after work just as he did when they were young and he was going back from a trip with his family. She had to promise Katie she would take her or at least film his reaction of course.
That's how she ended up in Vancouver in April 2015, with a little help from the Supernatural cast and crew. They had pretended to have fake interviews for today, Misha was supposed to come in the meeting room with Jared and Jensen after filming an episode to answer some questions for TV Guide, and from what she'd heard from Jensen, he didn't suspect anything weird, which was great.
She was watching outside through the window and sipping on her water bottle when Jensen texted her.
J: We're on our way, hope you're ready.
She smiled and texted back with a single “ Yep ” before turning around and sit at the table, pen and paper in her hand, Katie's glasses on her nose, pretending to be a journalist. That was kinda fun!
Her heartbeat quickened when she heard voices laughing in the hallway. She recognized Jared's mischievous laugh so she knew it was them.
When the door opened, she saw someone she didn't know first, probably a crew member or something. Misha was right behind turning his phone off and pocketing it in his pants, still in his Castiel clothes, bruises and blood everywhere on his face, followed by Jared and Jensen, both dressed as Sam and Dean too as they just ended filming for the day.
She had a brief moment of panic when she saw all the blood on his clothes and all the wounds distorting his face, but she quickly shook her head, knowing it was just make up.
She steeled herself and talked first.
“Ready for your interview, mister Collins?” Lily asked seriously, tapping her fingers on the table, her legs crossed, faking an annoyed look on her face.
Misha's head flew up from his pocket when he heard the sound of her voice, and it took him a few seconds to realize it was her sitting at the end of the table.
“Lily???”
“That's my name.” She boldly replied standing up.
Misha didn't wait any longer, walked towards her and took her in his arms for a tight hug, which she accepted and hugged back happily, sliding her arms under his jackets layers, not caring one second about the fake blood tainting her white shirt.
“God, it's so good to see you! What the hell are you doing here?” he asked, his mouth too close from her neck, sending shivers in her spine. She pulled back from him to look at his tired face.
“I have something to tell you, and I didn't want to do it over the phone so... surprise!”
She was a little taken aback when she saw Misha's reaction. He paled and his smile disappeared all of a sudden. He sat down and played with the water bottle nervously.
“Oh? What's going on? You're getting married to a famous Austrian musician?”
She laughed internally, thinking about the exact same reaction she had twenty six years ago when Misha came back from Washington. Maybe she should toy a little and see if he remembered...
But first, she had to give Jensen and Jared a big hug for helping her, and that's exactly what she did.
“Thank you guys. I owe you one.” She winked.
“No problem. That was fun, now you should talk to him before he liquefies.
She laughed and turned to look at Misha who was now sipping on the water bottle, a very annoyed look on his face. Jared and Jensen left the room, leaving Misha and Lily alone. She sat next to him and crossed her arms.
“A famous Austrian musician uh? You're the one always surrounded by beautiful girls, I should be the one being sarcastic.” she proudly replied.
Misha frowned, not quite understanding why she was saying this.
“Well...yeah I suppose you could but-”
“But what? Is that all the trust you have in me?” She insisted, leaning closer to him and staring directly at his tired blue eyes.
That made something click in his brain, remembering her fifteen's birthday when he came back and surprised her. He raised his eyebrows and a delicious smirk appeared on his face.
All he wanted to answer now was “May I kiss you now, Miss Hagen?”, to show her he remembered and stick with the memory, but he couldn't, knowing it would make things awkward again and she didn't want that, so he changed the subject.
“Can you tell me what's going on now or do I have to torture you?” He simply said, and with that she knew he remembered.
“I'm back in Seattle for good. In my old apartment.”
Misha's eyes widened. “What? You quit your job in Austria?”
“Yes. It was great, really, but I missed America too much. Plus I'm tired of speaking German.”
He scoffed “Is that all you missed? America?”
“Oh no, of course I missed Katie very much.”
She didn't know what was going on with her, but she couldn't stop teasing him, and he was so tired from his day that it was super easy.
He rolled his eyes and lolled his head back.
“You'll be the death of me, Elise Hagen!”
She laughed “Alright, alright, maybe I missed you too just a little.” She gave up, feeling a little guilty.
“Did you get your job back with the Seattle Symphony?”
Lily snorted “No, that's not possible, but Ludo calls me sometimes to play for some concerts. As long as it's not a permanent contract it's all fine. I actually started to teach piano and violin, that's my official job now, and I have to say I love it.”
His face lightened.
“That's amazing! I was wondering when you would finally use your grandfather's pedagogue gene!”
“I'm not sure I'm as good as my grandfather when it comes to teach, but I really enjoy it and the kids are great. For once I even feel like I took the right decision.”
Misha smiled once again.
“Where are you staying?”
“Victorian Hotel downtown.”
“Alright, check out. You're coming with me for the weekend.” He said while standing up in a rush and taking her hand so she would follow.
“What? Where are we going?”
“Home!”
“You mean your home? In Bellingham?”
“Yep! And it's not a suggestion, it's an order.”
She didn't reply. She was too shocked and embarrassed. She wanted to scream “With your wife and kids???” , but she couldn't, she didn't want the situation to become awkward. But really... how can it be more awkward and embarrassing if she stayed at his place the whole weekend?
**********
“I've got this” Misha said taking her suitcase from her hands.
They were officially arrived at his place after a short flight, and Lily was terrified to come inside.
“Are you going to sleep on the front porch?” Misha called from the entry.
I guess not, she thought walking forward. The first thing she saw when she entered his house was the huge drawing on the wall, framed with wood.
She pointed her finger at it “Is that... ?”
Misha turned around to look at what she was doing.
“The old sugar maple from the orchard, yes. Thank god the cottage didn't burn so I got my drawings back. I couldn't leave it.”
She walked further inside his house, observing everything around her. There was a weird déjà-vu vibe in this house. He kept a lot of items from the cottage in Northfield to put in his house, she even saw the big bear her grandfather carved.
“You went back to take the huge bear?”
“Told you I would. Sasha helped.”
As it was very late already, the house was unsurprisingly quiet.
“Is everyone sleeping?” she whispered, afraid to wake anyone up.
“Probably. Or maybe Vicki's out, I don't know. We will know soon enough. I'm gonna make some tea, want some?”
Lily kept looking everywhere, touching every bit of wood she could find. It was truly a beautiful house, and she could almost feel at home with all those items from her past.
“Um, sure. Did you make all of this?”
“Pretty much, yes.”
she scoffed “I'm impressed.”
“Why would you be? Your grandfather taught me, I just carried on.”
When tea was ready, Misha opened the french-window, turned on the light and got out on the patio.
Lily followed him outside, once again amazed by what she was seeing.
“Well, I have to admit you did a wonderful job.”
He smiled at her. “Thanks. Have a sit.”
As soon as she sat down with Misha on the comfy armchairs and took a sip of her tea, she heard a little sleepy voice behind her.
“Daddy?”
She turned to look behind her and saw a barefoot West standing in his pajamas, rubbing his eyes and yawning.
“West! What are you doing up? It's 2am!”
“I heard noise.” he walked towards Misha and climbed on his laps to give him a hug.
Lily couldn't help but smiled at this cute sight.
“You should go back to bed, Westy.”
“Is Lily staying here?”
She was very surprised he remembered her, they only met a few times before she left to Austria and he was very little.
“For the weekend, yes. I'll take you to bed now.”
“I'll do it. Hi Lily.” they heard Vicki say.
Oh no.... She wasn't ready, SHE WASN'T READY!!
She hadn't seen Vicki for a very long time, and the last interaction she had with her was that text message she sent thanking her after she read her letter for Christmas, and Vicki never answered back.
She stood up to greet her anyway.
“Hi Vicki. Sorry we woke you up.”
Vicki walked closer and hugged her. “It's okay I wasn't sleeping, I was just reading waiting for Misha.”
Of course she was waiting for her husband to come home! She certainly had plans for tonight! She probably just wanted to be alone with him after a week without seeing him, she probably wanted to fuck her husband and Lily was here like an intruder!
Lily felt sick but she had to shake that thought out of her mind or she would run away again.
“Come on, West. Say goodnight and we're going back to bed now. No discussion.” Vicki ordered.
West frowned and pouted but gave a kiss to his dad without protesting. He then walked towards Lily and looked up, obviously waiting for her to lean down. She was taken aback once more but didn't want to upset anyone, so she crouched down and hugged West who gave her a little peck on the cheek.
“'Night Lily! Will we play piano tomorrow?” He asked with his tiny sleepy voice.
He was five years old now, and when Lily took her in her arms, he was so nice, so cute with that little spark of mischief in his eyes, it almost felt like she was hugging her little brother again and she almost lost it. She had to swallow and take a deep breath to keep composure. He had an incredible memory too, or maybe Misha kept talking about her to him, she didn't really know.
“Goodnight, sweetheart. Sure we will.”
She stood back up and looked at Misha smiling at her.
“What?”
He shook his head “Nothing, just... nothing.” he lost his smile and sat back on the armchair to finish his tea.
“He's cute.”
“I know, but don't be fooled by his cute face, he's a tornado when he's with other kids.”
She scoffed and looked down. “Thanks for the heads up.”
Misha frowned and put his cup on the coffee table.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, I just... for a second it felt like holding Ryan, I guess I'm just tired, forget about it.” she nervously laughed, shaking her head.
Misha stood up and crouched down in front of her, leaving a quick kiss on her forehead in the process.
“You wanna go to sleep?”
“Yes.” it sounded almost like a plead.
“Okay, follow me.”
He grabbed her wrist and walked inside, took her suitcase and they both climbed the stairs to the spare room.
“If you need anything, I'll be right across the hallway.”
“Fantastic, close enough to hear every sound coming out of the marital bedroom.”
That came out too fast, without Lily even thinking about it, and she regretted it the moment it slipped out of her mouth.
“I'm sorry… Like I said, I'm really, really tired.” she apologized, but she would probably be sick to hear a single sound anyway.
Misha sighed “I thought you were okay with all of this by now.”
“I am. Goodnight, Misha.” she quickly turned around to open her suitcase on the bed.
“You do know I just need a word from you to stay in this room tonight if that's what you want, right?”
Sure, Misha, let's fuck in your house while your wife and kids are sleeping next door.
“Just go, Misha.” she closed her eyes, faking rummaging in her stuff to find something.
He didn't answer anything and closed the door behind him.
Being here was a terrible idea.
***
The spring sun was already high in the sky when Lily woke up the next morning. She stretched in the bed before going to the bathroom to take a quick shower and get dressed.
When she got out in the hallway, she heard kids laughing and screaming, meaning everyone was home and fully awake.
She took a deep breath and climbed the stairs down. She needed coffee and now!
When she stepped in the kitchen, Vicki was cooking lunch already. The kids were outside playing, and she couldn't see Misha.
“Oh hey, Lily! I'm gonna assume you slept well considering it's 1pm already” Vicki chuckled.
“Yes, thanks. I was exhausted.”
“Tea or coffee?”
“Ugh coffee, thank you, you're my hero.” she joked, thankful for the mug Vicki was handing her. “Where's Misha?” she asked searching around.
“Gone to the grocery store. He'll be back soon.”
Lily nodded and carefully sipped on her hot coffee.
“Are we gonna pretend we don't need to talk about him?” Vicki asked nonchalantly while she was drying the dishes. She looked up to see a very disturbed Lily, frozen with her mug in her hands.
“I did receive your text message last year, I just thought we needed to have this conversation face to face. Don't you agree?”
NO !!!! her whole body screamed.
“Uh... There is nothing to talk about, really. I moved on.”
“You sure about that?”
“Yes!”
Vicki sighed and put the dishcloth down.
“Alright, so you have absolutely no problem staying here this weekend with all of us?”
“Absolutely not.” she lied.
“And you have no problem with me fucking my husband with you on the other side of the hallway?”
Lily gasped while she was drinking her coffee and almost choked.
Boy was she bold!
“Uh... He's your husband, you do what you want. Who am I to have a problem with that?”
“Oh, great, so I can make him moan as loud as I want to?”
WHAT THE FUCK ????????????
What the fucking fuck was happening? Lily made the mistake to unintentionally pictured them in her mind and her brain was about to explode. She nervously looked outside to see if the kids where still busy playing, she bet hearing their mother saying those things wasn't an option.
But what was she supposed to answer to that? She felt sick just thinking about it, was she supposed to tell her the truth? That she hated the idea of Misha being with another woman? That she hated this situation? That the only person who was supposed to blow his mind was HER ?
“Well you sure can stop this conversation first, because it's very inappropriate and it makes me uncomfortable.” she said honestly.
“No, I'm not stopping this conversation, you're in my house, so you will listen to what I have to say and answer me. With the truth.”
Maybe she was still sleeping and this was just a nightmare? That would be great to wake up now though.
“Look at me in the eyes and tell me you don't have feelings for Misha anymore.”
Isn't it hot in here?
“I... will always have feelings for him. He's an important part of my life, I can't just ignore that. But-”
“Can you look at me in the eyes and tell me without blinking you're a hundred percent okay with me being his wife and having sex with him, that you don't wish you're the only one he will ever be with?”
So much for showering a few minutes ago... Lily was sweating from every single part of her body. If she could melt and disappear in the ground forever it would be heaven!
She needed to do this. She had to look in Vicki's eyes and tell her. She HAD to protect his family!
She stared into Vicki's very intimidating gaze without blinking.
“I...” Lily started, but her voice broke, and she looked away.
Vicki walked around the counter and put her hand on Lily's shoulder.
“I asked you not to play with his feelings. Tell him the truth, please. I can't see him like that anymore. I will respect your choice, Lily, I promise, but you have to face it, and now is the the time to do it.”
Lily broke down crying, face buried in her hands.
“How can you possibly say that to me? How can you let him go just like that without fighting? How can you not hate me for this? And how can YOU be okay with the fact I'm screwing YOUR husband?”
Vicki sighed and sat on the bar stool next to Lily.
“Okay first, Misha's not the only one for me, he must've told you that already. And like I said, he was broken when I met him. Hell he still is! He planned to live his own life with you by his side, not me. You were the love of his life and I've known this since the day I met him. The second he told me you ran into him at the airport that night, I knew our marriage was gone. Since it turns out you're still here, I would be more than happy to see him complete again. I love him enough for that. You've read his letter, you know he will love you no matter what. He made his choice a long time ago when you came back in his life, we talked about it and I'm okay with it. What do you really want, Lily?”
She looked at Misha's wife with awe. She really was an incredible woman!
“I want-”
“Don't tell me, tell him. Oh and... If you hurt him, I will find you.” she interrupted.
Okay... that was crystal clear at least. But Vicki wasn't done.
“And I asked you to remember he's also a father now. If you hurt one of my children, I will kill you.”
Lily rubbed her face insistently. She couldn't believe the conversation she just had with Vicki. Well... that wasn't much of a conversation since she did all the talking, but it was so surreal she still had trouble believing she was actually awake.
“I need another coffee... or a whiskey.” Lily pleaded.
Vicki laughed and took her mug to pour some more coffee.
“Here you go.”
They heard the front door closing and Misha came in the kitchen with grocery bags.
“Morning sleepy head! Or should I say good afternoon.”
He put all the bags down on the counter and Vicki started to put everything away.
“Hey.” Lily simply replied, a little embarrassed knowing Vicki knew exactly how she felt about her husband.
“Right, no talking before coffee, I almost forgot” he joked. “Get ready everyone, I'm taking all of you to Whatcom falls Park today!” he screamed, walking outside to check on the kids who jumped everywhere.
Vicki looked at Lily with a smirk plastered on her face.
“What a great place to talk to someone without being disturbed.” she winked. “I'll keep the kids away. Just talk to him.”
She patted her on the shoulder and left to get ready, leaving a speechless and chocked Lily alone with her cup of coffee.
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Warnings : Language, Fire, trauma, PTSD, family members’ death (including child), therapy, flashbacks (not in every chapter), injuries, cheating. Long fic. Angst, fluff, Smut. Mention of suicide.
Words : 7509
Summary : After her grandmother’s funeral, Lily must return to the place she lived in when she was young and has to confront the ghosts of her past. She will run into an old friend that she thought was lost forever.
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Tags : @jhudawnareeves
CHAPTER 19 - Merry Christmas
*************************
September 1990. Nice - France.
“You need to keep your mind busy, Lily. You should choose an activity that you could focus on so you won’t think about all those bad things. Something you really love.”
Dr Dorville’s words stayed in Lily’s mind for a while before she accepted the idea of not thinking about her past and what happened to her family and friends a couple of months earlier.
Her psychiatrist was right, she was thinking too much, she knew that, but how do you stop thinking about your mom screaming your name while you’re chocking on smoke? How do you stop hearing your little brother’s screams through the door? How do you forget the sight of the man you planned to spend the rest of your life with dead in your arms?
Burying in something she loved and was good at seemed like a good idea. She had two options: dance or music.
She loved dancing, it was a real passion, she even took lessons back home in Northfield. She particularly liked tango, but she was interested in all kinds of dances. As long as she could forget herself and live the music through her body, it was fine for her.
Though with that huge and gross scar on her back, she couldn’t see herself swaying her body in beautiful dresses. Everybody would think she’s a freak, or they would ask questions she didn’t want to answer. And of course, it would bring back awful memories when she was specifically supposed to forget.
So much for option one.
Option two then! She could play in the school orchestra, or join the local orchestra. And there she had two options again: piano or violin.
She wasn’t very fond of her school. All the kids were looking at her weirdly because she was new and had a huge scar. She also looked sad all the time which didn’t help either. No need to say she wasn’t very popular, especially when she couldn’t communicate properly as she wasn’t speaking French fluently yet.
Local orchestra it will be then!
Now… piano or violin? All she could think about when she thought about piano was Misha’s hands next to hers, trying to learn new pieces, practicing and laughing a lot, and often leading to making out on the piano bench until her mom or her brother would interrupt. He had so nice hands… and what he could do with those hands!
Okay… violin will be wiser.
That’s how she ended up auditioning as a violinist for the Nice Symphony orchestra in the end of 1990.
She was nervous. Not so much because she was scared of being bad, she knew she was good enough to impress the conductor, but she couldn’t speak French that much and she didn’t want to meet new people who would ask tons of questions. She wasn’t sure all of this was a good idea after all.
But still… while she was here queuing with her violin ready in her hand, looking at other students who wanted a position very bad, maybe more than her, she wasn’t thinking about home… it actually worked quite well.
“Première audition?”
A voice behind her took her out of her reverie. She turned around and saw a girl with long black hair and huge red glasses, holding her flute, expecting her to answer something with her big dark sparkling eyes fixing her.
Problem was she didn’t understand what she said…
“Sorry um… pas Française.” she replied with her ugly accent.
“Oh! You’re from England? Lucky you, my aunt lives in London so I speak English too!” She looked so excited about it that she almost jumped.
Uh... A french person who speaks English, that's a rare specie.
“Actually I’m American.”
“Well, I’m very happy to meet you, I’m Katie, and if they don’t call me in five minutes for my audition, I think I will pee my pants from being so nervous.”
She actually managed to make her chuckle… that was quite a miracle these days!
“I’m Lily.”
“Nice to meet you, Lily.” She approached her face really close to Lily who didn't know what was happening, and suddenly she kissed her cheek, and then the other.
What... the... FUCK??? Personal space, lady!!!
“How did you end up here?”
She sighed. And now the questions… why did she talk in the first place?
“Let’s just say I need a distraction and music is the best option for me.”
“I know what you mean. My dad says playing with other people will help channeling my energy. I… can be a little too much excited sometimes.”
No kidding…
“Elise Hagen?” The tall man called, and Lily stepped inside the auditorium.
“Good luck!” She heard Katie screaming behind her, so she turned around and gave her a weak smile.
A few days later, both of them found each other back in that same auditorium for their first day as a musician in Nice orchestra.
After school, Lily was always happy to meet Katie. She wasn’t living too far from her, and as she was two years younger, Lily was glad to help her with homework and practicing. Katie helped Lily learning French and she made great progress in a short time thanks to her. They became good friends and Lily was very grateful to have someone to talk to.
“So… you never told me why you moved to France to live with your grandmother. Where are your parents? Oh, let me guess… they work for a huge American company and they travel a lot!”
“You watch too much TV, Katie. My parents are dead, and my grandmother lived in America too. We both moved.”
They were at the beach, it was the weekend and they decided to take a break from practicing so here they were, both enjoying the sun lying on their towel.
Katie sat when she heard Lily’s confession.
“Both of them? May I ask what happened?”
“My dad died in a car accident when I was ten. My mom…” she swallowed the lump in her throat. Except for Dr Dorville, she had not talked about it with anyone “she died a few months ago. Our house burnt and she didn’t make it.”
Katie’s eyes fell on her scar.
“Yeah. That’s why I have that too.”
“I’m really sorry, Lily. I didn’t know… sometimes I talk too fast without thinking and-“
“It’s okay, Katie. I’m glad I told you. It feels kinda good to finally be able to tell someone.”
“You haven’t told anyone?” Katie was very surprised. They knew each other for a few weeks now, they talked about everything, and she was far from thinking something so horrible could’ve happened to Lily.
“No. It was too hard. We were six persons that night. I’m the only one who made it and I hate myself for that. I probably will feel guilty forever.”
“Six? You had brothers and sisters?”
“Only one little brother. But we were living with friends and… well like I said, I’m the only one.”
For once, Katie stayed quite for a little while. She didn’t know what to say, and she couldn't believe something that awful could happen to someone so young. You’re not supposed to lose your parents so early, needless to say your siblings, and particularly not the same day in such a violent way.
“Don’t you miss your friends from America?”
“I miss my best friend a lot. But he died that night too so… even if I go back there I won’t find him back.”
Lily sat too and smiled at Katie. “But I’m glad I found someone who I can talk to like I did with him.”
Katie leaned over and gave her a warm hug.
“Always. I’ll always be here. Promise.”
From that day, they never left each other, and when one needed to talk, the other was always here. When one was feeling bad, the other could always sheer her up.
************************
Vienna – Austria. December 24 2013.
How could it be more depressing? It was Christmas Eve and Lily was truly alone for the first time. Plus she was totally lost in a country she knew nothing about. She was sitting on her small sofa, looking around her. She had stuck a lot of pictures on her wall so it would appeared less empty, that way the people she loved were with her just a little bit.
She had a lot of pictures with Katie, of course, a few with David at work, even one with Ludo.
You have to be grateful for the awesome position he found you!
She kept saying that to herself, but right now it was so hard to stay positive!
There were pictures of her grandmother. One very recent, a few weeks before she died, Lily was posing with her in the garden of her house in Nice when she went visiting for spring holidays. One with her grandfather too, they were making flower crowns in his workshop back in Litchfield.
There was one picture of her little brother Ryan, playing football with Sasha in the farm’s backyard, one picture of her mom and dad holding hands on the front porch, one picture of her mom holding her when she was a baby, one picture of Rebecca and her two sons smiling like they were the most happy family ever, one picture of her dancing with Misha in the barn.
She had to laugh at that one, remembering how clumsy he was when he tried to dance.
There was also a picture of Misha building the cabin near the willow tree. Of course he didn’t do it alone, her grandfather started to build it, but since he died before it was done, Misha promised he would finish it with Sasha, and he kept his promise.
She actually had a lot of pictures of Misha and his family when they lived together; she thought one day they would probably love to see them. She took the ones her grandmother kept too so she had quite a collection now.
The last picture on her wall was their photo op at JIB4 and she smiled looking at it. She thought about everything that had happened between the last two photos and was soon overwhelmed so she stopped. Too many things, mostly bad. She had to think about something else, to change her mind, but how can you change your mind when you’re alone on Christmas Eve in a too small apartment like a lion in a cage?
She stood up, looked outside her window and sighed. She had to admit Vienna was a wonderful city, the architecture was amazing, plus it was snowing which added a soft touch. She lived near the opera since she worked there, and she was stunned the first time she stepped inside the building. It was absolutely beautiful, and she was very lucky to work in such a place with such prestigious musicians.
There was a nice park not so far, maybe she should take a walk in the snow? Of course nobody was outside on Christmas Eve, everybody was with their families, so she would be alone outside too… but at least she would have some fresh air, and when she’d came back, she would open the present Katie sent. It was sitting on her coffee table since she had no Christmas tree. It was a small box with a note on it, saying “Do NOT open before Christmas! I’ll know it!”
She smiled, it was typically Katie.
Okay, don’t be a baby and go outside!
She finally took her coat, scarf and hat, put her boots on and left her apartment. She walked to the park and was even surprised to see some shops were still open at 6pm on Christmas Eve, but at least it brought a bit of life on her way.
When she reached the park, there was no single soul.
Depressing.
She walked along the main alley, saw a lot of benches with snow on it, obviously nobody had been here for a long time. It was actually pretty peaceful after all.
When she arrived near the chapel, she was surprised to see some movement. She slowed down her pace a moment to observe and saw a woman with two boys sitting on a bench, eating pretzels. They looked kind of sloppy and they probably were cold considering their poor winter clothes, not to mention they were wearing sneakers in the snow. She heard the smaller boy coughing, and it hit her like a wall of brick.
Don’t think about Misha, don’t think about his family, change your mind!
But really… what were the odds to find a woman with two boys outside on Christmas Eve in the snow? How was she supposed to think about something else when it was almost exactly what happened when she found Misha’s family living in a freaking tent? Was she supposed to pass and ignore them? Was it supposed to be normal to be cold, homeless and eat pretzels on a park bench on Christmas night?
What would her mother think if she could see this right now? She would definitely stop to help them even just a little. So would her grandparents. She couldn’t just walk away and do nothing.
She looked inside her purse and took her wallet out. She really hoped the woman wouldn’t be mad, but she approached and greeted them before handing her a hundred euro bill.
“Merry Christmas.” she shyly said looking the woman in the eyes and nodding at her so she would take it.
The woman stared at Lily a moment and looked around her. She probably thought it was a joke or something, but after a little while she gave a weak smile and took the money from Lily’s hand.
“Vielen Dank, Fräulein. Möge Gott Sie reich segnen.”
Oh, right… German. Damn it!
“Frohe Weihnachten.” she simply replied with a terrible accent and smiled with a nod.
The two young boys looked at her like she was an alien, but she smiled at them too and walked away, her eyes were starting to shine a little too much and she didn’t want to look even weirder.
She walked towards her apartment, and on her way home, she thought about what could’ve happened if her mother didn’t invite Rebecca, Misha and Sasha that night too. They would’ve spent Christmas in their tent… with a very sick kid. They wouldn’t have lived with them at the farm, their friendship wouldn’t have been strengthened, and eventually they would’ve left forever and became strangers again, and they would’ve stayed away from Northfield without coming back.
But then… they wouldn’t have fried in the fire a few years later.
Oh come on, Lily! Get your shit together! Stop over thinking!
She sped up to come back home because she was cold, and when she was at her front door, she noticed a piece of paper stuck on it. She took it and saw it was a delivery ticket with a word from the delivery man scribbled on it.
“I left the package in your mail box. Merry Christmas.”
Lily smiled and went to get the package out of her mail box. It was the size of a shoe box, and it came from Bellingham WA… interesting.
She came inside her apartment, took her coat and boots off, and put the box on the table. She needed to open Katie’s present first. It was 8pm on Christmas Eve, close enough, right?
She opened the tiny box while her tea was brewing. It was a box from Pandora Jewellery, so she knew right away what was inside. They went shopping one day and when they passed in front of Pandora's window, Lily saw that beautiful feather charm she wanted to add to her bracelet.
She never knew why but she always liked feathers, that’s why her grandfather made a dream catcher for her.
Without any surprise, the stunning sparkling feather was inside the tiny box, and Lily’s smile grew wide across her face. She took it and put it on her bracelet. She would send Katie a message, but she couldn’t do it now or she would know she opened her present too early.
She poured some hot tea in a mug and sat on her sofa with Misha’s package. She really wondered what he could’ve sent her. When she opened it, she saw an old, dirty and rusty metal box and her heart stopped.
Is that our freaking time capsule?
She totally forgot about it, they buried it when they when fifteen, they were already dating for a while, and they swore they would open it when they’d both turn thirty.
Geez we’re almost forty now…
There was two envelopes outside the box: one from Misha, and one from Vicki.
Oh my God… I can’t open that!!
She started by opening Misha’s message and read it.
Lily,
I can’t be with you for Christmas so I thought I would send you a little something to help you remember I’ll always be with you no matter what.
I wanted to dig our time capsule out with you, but since you’re gone and you’ll probably sell the farm, I decided it would be a shame to lose it…plus we’re almost ten years late!
I hope you’ll have as much fun as I did.
Merry Christmas sweetheart.
Love,
Misha.
P.S. Don’t eat what’s supposed to be eatable… I tried, it was a mistake. Oh and… I transferred the video and audio files on a flash drive, I figured you wouldn’t be able to play them otherwise. We’ll watch the original ones together ;)
She laughed. Did they really put food in that capsule? She couldn’t even remember what was inside!
Without waiting more, she opened the metal box and scanned the few items she could see. Her heart was pounding in her chest; she could already see a few pictures, and the flash drive he was talking about in his note.
She would watch it last, because it would probably be the hardest part. She first took the Polaroid photos in her hands. Her dad gave it to her when she was ten, just before he died, and she had it with her pretty much all the time, taking a LOT of pictures.
There was a picture of Misha and her when they were very young, they must’ve been ten or eleven on it. They were inside her grandfather’s workshop, sticking their tongues out for the photo.
Dorks.
She couldn’t help but laughed at the next one: it was a picture she took of Misha right before they left for the school dance.
Oh my God the freaking blond ponytail!
She chuckled again… he certainly looked better now, but she kinda liked his long hair at the time, she could've spent hours burying her hand in his soft hair.
And the next photo made her blush furiously, which was insane because she was alone, but she couldn’t believe they did that.
They were totally naked but sort of hidden under Lily’s patchwork blanket, both lying on the straw in the small barn. Misha was holding the camera at arm’s length to take the picture of them snuggling after what looked like a nice summer sex session.
Aaaand that probably explains Vicki’s letter… I’m so dead.
She turned the photo and saw something written at the back. “Mom, if you find this before we do, chill out! Lily.”
God, she also forgot what a brat she was.
There were a few other pictures at school with friends, and she felt a wave of shame consuming her when she saw Darius. He was their friend, and he kept in touch with Misha for all those years, thinking she was dead too, and she didn’t even take the time to stop by his place to say hello. She had him on the phone a few times, but it was not the same. She would definitely have to fix that and soon. There was a tiny post-it note on the picture with Darius: “I’ll need that back for blackmail purpose. M.”
I don’t even wanna know. She chuckled.
She almost cried when she saw a picture of her grandfather working with Misha and Sasha, but she kept a strong face, nobody has the right to cry on Christmas night!
There sure were a lot of pictures, but on every single one of them, everybody looked happy, and Lily thought she had really been blessed for having such a happy childhood, surrounded by loving people.
She sighed and rummaged through the box to find something else. There was a movie ticket, they went to see “Big” for their first official date.
Ah Tom Hanks… never a disappointment, she joked. That was a great night by the way.
Then she found the supposedly “eatable” item: Skittles. They both loved those candies, hell she still did! She opened the small bag, which was previously shut with staples since Misha tasted it first, but the lovely smell of Skittles was gone and the colours had faded… It should’ve been a sign it wasn’t eatable anymore.
She then took the wooden keychain that was inside the box. Misha shaped it of course, there was the Chevrolet logo on it, and a note saying “For our future car” hanging on it. He sure was a dreamer.
She frowned when she saw a tiny bottle with greenish liquid in it. That looked gross to be honest, but she couldn’t remember what it was. She opened the tiny cork plug which made a cute popping sound, and when she smelled it, she almost threw up but that’s exactly when she remembered what it was.
Olfactory memory!
Rebecca always had this… “special skill” to make medicine out of plants. Lily found that very funny when she was a kid, it was a bit like she was a magician, a witch… or a hippie she didn’t really know, but as she grew up, she just realized she had no money to buy medicines, so she clearly had no choice. Thing was, one day she was sick and Rebecca was the only one around, so she used that little potion on her, and as gross as it was, it worked! She never knew what was inside, Rebecca wouldn’t tell her (now that she was an adult, she knew it was probably something illegal), but she insisted to put a bottle in the capsule, because she would remember that awful smell forever.
That made her laugh too.
She was almost done, there was a piece of paper, and then she would have to look at the flash drive.
When she unfolded the piece of paper, she saw it was a list of things, untitled “ Ten Future predictions”.
Omg we were such nerds.
The first thing on the list was “We’ll be married, live in a big house with two kids (preferably a boy and a girl) and a LOT of animals, Misha will probably be President and Lily a famous dancer.”
Holy shit couldn’t we be more wrong!
Actually one point was true: Misha DID have two kids, a boy and a girl… wrong mother though, she bitterly thought. Obviously they wrote the list after he proposed, right before burying the capsule.
And… really? President? She had to laugh at that too. A famous actor was way better than President after all.
Second point was “I’ll drive a Chevrolet, hence the keychain.”
Sure Misha! Wait… Isn’t the car from his show a Chevrolet?
And the list went on:
3- We’ll be super rich. (Eeh… not so bad).
4- Ryan and Sasha will finally leave our asses alone. (Well, Ryan that’s for sure.)
5- Rebecca will buy real medicine. (That needs to be verified.)
6- We’ll use our money to make people happy. (Misha sure does, and I gave a hundred bill to a homeless family, that counts right?)
7- Lily will have bright red hair and Misha grey! HAHA! (Oh… not bad, Lily, you nailed it! I’ll have to check if Misha’s got grey hair though.)
8-We will go back to Northfield to kiss under our tree. (Nope!)
9-Misha will finally learn how to dance. (I'm still waiting but I'm starting to think he's a lost cause)
10- Whatever happens, wherever we are, we will be together and love each other forever.
Oh please!
She folded the piece of paper and threw it back in the box. Stupid teens.
Now was the time to plug the flash drive in and see what was on it. She took her laptop and plugged it in, revealing two files: “Mix tape” and “Videos”.
She clicked on the first one and a few song titles appeared on her screen. A little laugh escaped her lips when she saw the first one: Africa – Toto. She still loved that song and often listened to it, but when she was young, she couldn’t help dancing on it. She used to extend her arms wide open and turn around in circles during the whole refrain, and she didn’t care who was around and what people could think, she wouldn’t stop, and Misha enjoyed it every single time. Of course she calmed down with age.
She looked at the other songs: Walking On Sunshine, Take On Me, Letter for Elise… Mistral Gagnant?? She clicked on the last one and as soon as the piano started playing, tears formed in her eyes. It was a French song that her grandmother listened all the time, and Lily had loved it the moment she heard it when she was young because it sounded like a lullaby, though she didn’t understand what the man was singing, she adored the sad and soft piano melody behind. Later, she learnt how to play it and of course, she taught it to Misha who loved the song too.
Today, she could understand the lyrics, and when she heard Renaud starting singing, she couldn’t help the tears, and she couldn’t stop crying, even when the song ended.
Nobody has the right to cry on Christmas day!
She quickly shook her head to regain composure and clicked on the video file. What a mistake she did there! It was full of short clips of her with her family for several events, birthdays, Christmas, school events, everybody was here: her grandparents, her mom and dad, Ryan, Rebecca, Misha, Sasha, everybody was so happy, or so in love, dancing, laughing, screaming, playing, eating… hearing their voices after so long was torture.
That was too much to handle. She remembered all those things, but she had carefully stocked those memories in a corner of her mind so it would stop hurting so much after she lost everything. But now, watching these on Christmas Eve, alone in fucking AUSTRIA, when Misha and his family, and Katie were at the other side of the ocean, it was just unbearable for her.
She shut her laptop, threw everything back in the capsule angrily, took her phone and without thinking, pressed the call button near Misha’s name. She just needed to hear his voice a few seconds and she would feel better. She needed to know how he reacted when he opened the time capsule on his own. Was it hard for him to? Or was he happy about it?
He picked up quickly.
“Is it Christmas in Austria yet?”
FUCK! Time difference… What time was it in Seattle right now? She thought fast, afraid she would wake him up or disturb him in an inappropriate moment. Fortunately, it must’ve been 3pm where he was so she sighed in relief.
“Almost.” She replied with a low shaky voice.
“Wow, Lily, are you okay? You sound weird.”
She couldn’t hide it from him, could she?
She cleared her throat.
“I just opened our time capsule.”
She could here kids screaming and laughing behind him, and dishes clattering.
“Is it a bad time?”
“No, no, wait a second…”
She could hear him walk and when she heard the sound of a door closing, the screams disappeared with all the other noises in his house.
“Alright I’m in my office, we won’t be disturbed. So the package arrived already? I’m glad! I didn’t know if it would be on time.”
“Yes… when did you come back to dig it out?”
“Last day of our trip, after you left.”
“Oh you mean when you promised you wouldn’t go back inside the house on your own?”
“Exactly, and I didn’t. That’s why I went to the pond to dig it out.”
Right… they buried it near their tree of course.
“We were supposed to dig it out together.”
“When we’d turn thirty, yeah, but we’re almost forty and you’re in Europe so what could I do? Wait ten more years? Don’t you think we’ve wasted enough time already?”
She went to look out her window absentmindedly. It was still snowing, and no one was outside.
“Yeah.”
“So did you have a good laugh? I sure did!”
So that was his reaction… he laughed. Well she did too at first.
“I did. And then I didn’t.”
She paused but Misha stayed quiet.
“When we put all those things inside it, I was far from imagining everything would be gone the day I’d reopen it.” Her voice started shaking again.
“I’m not gone. You are though.” Misha replied in his low and sad voice.
Silence again.
“Do you like it there?”
Did she? She’d been in Vienna for two weeks, and it already felt like two years. Her job was great for sure, but the loneliness was so heavy!
“I can’t communicate, I live in a tiny apartment, it’s cold and I’m alone…”
“So no…”
“I don’t know. I like my job, but starting a new life for the second time is scary.”
“It was your choice, Lily. All of it. I told you not to go, and if you hadn’t been so scared, I could even be with you right now.”
And not be with his kids for Christmas? Sure what a dream! She would certainly not feel bad about that! Why did he always have to make her feel like crap?
“You think I called to hear you say I do nothing right in my life and I can’t take a freaking decision, Mister Perfection?”
She heard him sigh. She was mean and unfair because he was right, but she didn’t want to admit it, not even to herself.
“Why did you call then?”
Clearly he knew why, and that was exactly what he wanted to hear. But she couldn’t say it, could she?
“I told you, I just opened the capsule and I saw all of our memories and…” She paused, not knowing how to finish the sentence without sounding nostalgic.
“And?” Misha insisted. He knew perfectly what she wanted to say, he needed to hear it so bad!
Of course she didn’t.
“And it was fun at first, but then I plugged the flash drive in and I listened to our songs, and I watched the videos of my familyandnowI’mlosingit.”
She held her tears back for too long, now she couldn’t anymore.
She heard Misha taking a deep shaky breath.
“What do you think it did to me?”
“You… you said you had a good laugh.”
“I did at first too. What you’ve lost, I lost too, Lily. The consequences were not the same for me, sure, but it really felt like losing half of my family too, and my plans for the future along with it.”
Holy shit he was supposed to make her feel better but she cried even more.
“I’m sorry” she managed to say between sobs.
“For what? Damn it, Lily! You gave me and my family everything we needed back then, and much more. I was happy! WE were happy. I’m grateful for it, you should be too. Stop living in the past and move on.”
He said it a little too loud making it sound a bit rude, but he really wanted her to react.
She was now crouched down in front of the warm radiator, still weeping.
“STOP! Just stop it. I shouldn’t have called. Have a merry Chris-”
“Don’t you dare hang up the damn phone!”
She heard the urge in his voice so she didn’t hang up, but she stayed silent.
“It could be so much easier for both of us if you’d only let me back in your life.”
She sat on the floor and hugged her knees with one arm, her back still stuck on the old radiator, but she still said no word.
Misha scoffed and chuckled “What a stubborn brat you are. Why won’t you say it?”
Damn it.
“Say what?”
“You know what. Don’t play innocent. I know exactly why you called. Did you open what Vicki sent by the way?”
Crap! She completely forgot about that thing! It must be a Christmas card or something anyway.
“Yeah I did.”
He ironically laughed. “No you didn’t. You wouldn’t call me and cry on the phone remembering our childhood if you’d had seen it.”
What the hell did she send her? Now she was curious.
She sighed “Fine. I didn’t. I will when you let me hang up the damn phone!”
“You’re not allowed to hang up until you tell me why you really called.”
He wouldn’t let go, would he?
“Jesus and I’m the stubborn one? Who did you want me to call after opening that thing?”
“Say it. Please.”
A few seconds of deep silence went by, and when she understood he wouldn’t say another word before she admitted the truth, she resigned.
“I miss you.”
Finally! Misha sighed and closed his eyes.
“Was it so hard?”
“Yes.” She said between sobs. “What’s the point, uh? What did you want to prove with that? That you were right? You have tons of girls around the planet who miss you everyday but you needed one more to score?”
He scoffed and shook his head.
“Are you done? I can’t believe you said that. You’re mad at yourself, not at me, so calm down and just admit it. When you’ll see that clearly, maybe we can have a real conversation.”
One more sob: “I hate it here… I wanna go back to Seattle so bad.” Her face was a mess, her mascara was all over her cheeks, she had bitten her lower lip, and snot was coming down her nose… what a pathetic show!
“Then pack your stuff and come back, or stay and take your life back, but stop crying over it, that won’t lead you anywhere! And by the way, I miss you two, but do you at least care about that?”
He was right… again. She needed to do something about it. She didn’t know what yet, but she would definitely take the right decision for once, instead of fleeing like always.
“You don’t miss me, Misha. You miss the girl I was when I was sixteen. I’m not that girl anymore. You can’t have that back. And when I think about it, maybe I just miss the old you too after all.” She sniffed.
“Thank you, Dr Freud, but unlike you, I know exactly what I want, and I told you when we were in Northfield. You declined because you were scared, that’s it. Don’t twist it your way. The girl I loved is still here, I’ve seen her somewhere under the thick layers of depression hiding her right now. She's broken but it's fine, I'm broken too. I can bring her back if she lets me, but for that she needs to trust me.”
What the hell was she supposed to answer to that?
“Do you need me to fly to Austria to prove it?”
“WHAT? No! No, stay with your kids, it’s Christmas for God’s sake! Just… I’ll get better. I’m depressed because it’s my first Christmas alone but, I’ll manage it. Promise.”
He chuckled. “Alright.”
She heard someone knocking on his door.
“You should go, they’re waiting for you.”
“It’s just West who wants to know who I’m talking to. Do I tell him I’m speaking to the woman who promised to play piano with him?”
Thank you, Misha, one more reason to feel bad. She completely forgot about that too… What a good mom she would be if she had kids.
“Don’t you dare! I’m going to hang up. Just go.”
“Okay. Merry Christmas, Lily. Let me know what you decide.”
“Sure. Merry Christmas, Misha. And… Thank you.”
She looked at her clock; it was now officially Christmas here.
“You’re welcome. Love ya.”
“Bye.” She replied before hanging up.
She sighed and went to look at herself in the bathroom mirror. What a sad sight she was right now! She washed her face and changed into her pajamas before going back on her sofa to clean her stuff, when her eyes found Vicki’s message. It was time to face it…
She opened the envelop and started reading.
Dear Lily,
We don’t know each other very well, even if I have the feeling you’ve always been here. When I first met Misha, he was a very depressed young man who lost everything, you included, and I swore I would not let him fall. He didn’t deserve that. Today I’m proud to say I succeeded.
When he came back from Northfield a few months ago, I’ve seen a glimpse of that depressed boy again and I didn’t like it. He explained to me what happened and I want you to know that I totally understand, and I also know he still loves you. He actually never stopped, and I was okay with that too.
When we planed to get married years ago, I told him I would do it only if he could write a letter to you and give it to me the day before the wedding, without worrying about me reading it. Whatever would be in the letter, I would accept it because it’s a part of him. I’ve learned in psychology class it’s an efficient exercise to move on after you lost someone you deeply loved.
He did so, and I think this letter needs to be yours now.
Whatever you decide after that, stick with it and be sure you can trust him (but you probably know that already), and you can trust me. I’ll ask only one thing of you: Don’t play with his feelings, and don’t forget he’s also a dad now. (Okay, that’s two things…)
Merry Christmas,
Vicki.
Lily expected everything but this. What a mature woman Vicki was… How wrong was she to believe she was mad at her and Misha for what happened in Northfield!
Reading that letter made her feel much better already.
But then… she found the older letter from Misha, and she was scared to open it. He wrote a letter to her dead self? That was… weird. Dr Dorville asked her to do the same for every member of her family, and every person who died in the fire. She never did… It was too hard, and too weird for her. Maybe if she had, she would’ve avoided a lot of mood swings and depression phases.
She unfolded it with shaky hands and took a deep breath.
Lily,
I’ve looked at that piece of paper for hours without even being able to find a good way to start. I’ve wondered how you would want me to call you, and since you’ve never liked ridiculous sweet names, I figured your beautiful nickname would be enough.
I don’t even know where to start… I don’t know if I will be able to do this.
Someone asked me to write to you today, because tomorrow is an important day in my life, and you’re not here to share it with me as we planned. You've been gone for twelve years already, and it still feels like it was yesterday.
Tomorrow, I’m marrying another woman, and no matter how hard I try to convince myself, I still feel like I’m cheating on you, like I’m betraying our promise, and I don’t know if I will ever stop hating myself for this.
I love her, and you would probably like her too if you knew her. Sometimes she manages to make me feel as good as I felt when I was with you. But you have to know one thing: no matter what will happen next, no matter how much I love Vicki, wherever you are right now, just know I will NEVER stop loving you. I just can’t, and no one could ever replace you.
I will always dream about what life could’ve been with you by my side, and I will always treasure our memories together. Mom tells me all the time it was destiny, but even if I want to believe it, I still can’t deal with the fact I will never see you again. I still hate waking up in the morning without your body against mine, without seeing your face lighting up my day, without your kisses making me feel alive.
And boy did you make me feel alive, and loved. You even managed to make me feel normal, we both know it’s close to a miracle, right? I was where I belonged with you and your family, and for that, I want to thank you.
But if Vicki taught me one thing, it’s that being normal sucks somehow, and I believe she’s right. So we will be not normal together now, and I really hope you can see I’m not doing it to forget about you. No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to forget about you, about us. And if one day I have kids, I won’t be surprised to try to think about what they would’ve looked like if you'd been their mother.
I couldn’t start writing and now I can’t stop… I feel like if I stop, you’ll go for good, and that’s not a pleasant feeling.
But I need to. I need to go on with my life, and I really hope you’re in a nice place with your dad, your mom, Ryan and your grandfather. I wonder if you can hear me when I think about you.
I tried to find your grandma… but nobody knows where she went, so I went to the cemetery, they buried you with your dad, but there is no name on your grave. It was depressing so I left. I’ll go back to the farm eventually.
Anyway, here I am today, writing to my dead future wife because my actual future wife asked me to… can it be more confusing? But it does feel good in a way. It would feel even better if you could answer me, or send me a sign so I can know for sure you agree with this, but you can’t, so I will take a shot and assume you’d want me to try and be happy.
And still… my heart can’t comprehend you’re not the person I will spend the rest of my life with. Mom says it will get better with time, but it's been so long already and it still hurts.
Alright… I think it’s time to go now. Do I have to tell you again how much I miss you and how much I love you? I suppose you know it, but no one can hear it too much, right?
Just, remember #10 on our prediction list (which is half crap already, considering): Whatever happens, wherever we are, we will be together and love each other forever. I think this is the only prediction that will turn out to stay true.
With all my love,
Your Misha.
And she had thought she couldn’t cry harder today… How can someone stay dry reading this? Her heart broke in million pieces, and all she wanted right now was to take the first flight and go back to Misha and never let him go.
But she really had to calm down and think this through first.
Don’t play with his feelings and remember he’s also a dad now.
She didn’t know what to do with her life yet, but she took her phone and sent Vicki a text message.
“Thank you. Merry Christmas. Lily.”
Nothing more, but she figured she would understand.
Warnings : Language, Fire, trauma, PTSD, family members’ death (including child), therapy, flashbacks (not in every chapter), injuries, cheating. Long fic. Angst, fluff, Smut. Mention of suicide.
Words : 4895
Summary : After her grandmother’s funeral, Lily must return to the place she lived in when she was young and has to confront the ghosts of her past. She will run into an old friend that she thought was lost forever.
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CHAPTER 15 - SKIN TO SKIN
After they entered the hotel room, still without a word, Lily fell down on her bed, feeling exhausted. It wasn't late, but all those emotions drained her, and she still felt extremely guilty to see Misha so upset.
The atmosphere in the room was heavy and cold, but Misha broke the silence with his low voice.
"I'll be back soon."
She looked up to see him leave the room, probably to go get something to eat.
She Just hated everything about herself right now... But she had to do it... right? She didn't even know exactly how she really felt about him. They were in love when they were young, that's for sure, but now? Everything had changed. Nothing could be the same anymore, and obviously he didn't want to face it.
She did what she always did when she wasn't feeling good: Call Katie. She just hoped she wasn't too busy rehearsing.
"Heyyy! what's up Lily-bee?" She picked up right away and just hearing her high and raspy voice made Lily feel better.
"Hey Kat! You seem good! Where are you?"
"In the cafeteria at work, with David who says hi! Are you with Misha?"
"Not right now, he uuh... He went to get some food."
Even through the phone, she couldn't fool Katie who immediately heard something was wrong.
"Is everything okay? You sound weird."
"Yeah don't worry, we just kinda had what you could call a... disagreement?"
"Again? Let me guess: He doesn't want you to sell the estates."
Lily cleared her throat. “He actually doesn't. You're good!”
That happened yesterday, but she actually were glad that she had an excuse not to talk about what really happened.
At that moment, she thought about something else that changed between her and Misha: they were fighting a lot more. Of course they had fights too when they were teens, but it was rare, and pretty much everytime about something really stupid. But now, they seem to disagree about everything, and it just proved how much they've changed and nothing could be the same.
“Ah ah, I knew it! He's a sentimental and he keeps tearing up when he talks about his childhood, I knew he would try to make you change your mind about selling. Did he actually succeed?”
“No, he didn't. I will definitely sell whether he likes it or not. It's not his decision. It won't be easy for me either, but I have to.”
“Lily... Do you realize how much money those properties must be worth?”
Katie had a point... The Litchfield mansion was huge and well preserved even if it needed to be freshen up a little, and the farm was even bigger and still workable despite the half burnt residence that should be fixed.
“Probably a few... millions...” Lily pointed out.
Money had never been a problem for her, as far as she could remember, her grandfather and father did such a great job with the farm that they had more than enough and they were privileged enough to help other people, but hearing herself saying “millions” was kind of a shock for her anyway, so she just decided to laugh about it for now.
“I'll buy you a boat.” She chuckled.
Katie scoffed. “God... I won't even start to tell you how much you'll be able to do with that kind of money, I guess you already know.”
“Yeah, don't bother. So... Can we please change the subject for something... lighter?”
She was beginning to feel really uncomfortable and that was not why she called Katie in the first place, she needed to be cheered up.
“Alright, alright. Hey umm... Have you checked Twitter since the convention?”
Okay... Twitter was definitely a lighter subject, but she had a very bad feeling when she heard the tone in Katie's voice.
“No. Should I?”
“You know, you should uuh... you should probably change it and make it more... private.”
“Why? What's going on?”
“Well... you know how Supernatural fans are about girls and everything...”
Couldn't she be more specific? No, she didn't know anything about those stuffs!
“Just... Trust me and change it okay? You don't need to waste your time reading everything. It's worthless.”
“Thank you! Now I'm freaking out! I'll check it later.”
“I need to go, Lily. David's eyes are getting scary, he's been waiting for me long enough. Call me if you need to talk alright? Love ya!”
“Wait! What-”
Great... she hung up.
Since Misha was still out, she opened the Twitter app on her phone and checked her timeline. It didn't look that bad, some people wanted to know if it was really her they saw at the convention, some others sent her nice tweets saying they were happy Misha found her back, that they were cute together on stage, that they wanted more stories, and then some... oh...
Some people thought she was lying about her identity just to be close to the cast, she saw someone tweeting that she was just Vicki's girlfriend, but Misha wanted to hide it so he made this old friend/girlfriend story up, others simply sent insults thinking she pretended to be his friend just for his money or fame... and she also saw a tweet saying she just wanted to end his marriage because she was jealous. They sure had a lot of imagination!
Their words were very hurtful though... Attention whore... freak... gold digger...jealous bitch...
She jumped when she heard the lock on the door clicking. Misha walked inside the room, put the food on the table and saw her standing in front of the window like a statue, her phone in her hand and a very annoyed look on her face.
“Wow, relax. I took something for you too!”
She opened her mouth like she wanted to say something, but no sound got out. She just stayed here with her mouth open, breathing heavily.
“Lily? Don't be so dramatic, I'll get over it. I'm sorry if I reacted so-”
She raised her phone and slid her finger on the screen to show him all those tweets about her. He wasn't even surprised.
“Oh... Yeah I could've warned you that could eventually happen.”
She felt a wave of wrath growing inside of her.
“That's all you have to say???”
He threw the phone down on her bed.
“Well, it's unfortunate, but it's part of my life. Some people are just really, really stupid and do that for... I don't even know what for to be honest. I just don't pay attention to them. I'd rather focus on the positive aspect of this fandom to do good things.”
Unbelievable... He talked about it like it was the most normal thing in the world. Was she overreacting? Was she just a drama queen or something?
“Oh, so I am just supposed to shut up and let people insult me in public?”
“Well, first you're supposed to make your Twitter more secure, but yeah, just ignore them. Don't let them get to you. You have no idea how many horrors I've read about me, and even about my family, kids included.”
She sat back on her bed and rubbed her face, sighing deeply in defeat.
“That a lot of crap for a couple of days.”
Misha frowned.
“Hey! I don't want you to feel bad about our trip here!”
She stared at him with wide eyes.
“Look at us, Misha! We can't stop fighting! We disagree on everything, this is ridiculous! And now this? This whole thing is a complete disaster!”
He sat on his bed, facing her, a bit disappointed she felt that way.
“I don't think it is.”
“See? Again, we disagree!”
His face fell at her hurtful sarcastic tone and his voice started to raise.
“Don't ruin this for me! I enjoy being here with you!”
“Naturally, it's my fault again. It was a fucking bad idea in the first place and you know it! We have nothing to do here anymore, among ashes and ghosts of the past! We're not the same persons anymore, we have nothing in common, just face it Misha, and then you'll be able to move on like I did!” She almost screamed.
She sighed heavily, got up of the bed and went to the bathroom, not bothering closing the door behind her as she was just getting her stuff back to put them on her suitcase.
“What are you doing?” Misha followed her.
“I'm going back home, where I belong. We've wasted enough time. I should be rehearsing for next weekend's concert and you should be with your family while you're free.” She spat harshly.
“Oh, so this is your solution to every problem in your life, uh? Running away? Just like you ran to Europe? That's the only thing you can do? Very brave, Lily!”
They were both screaming at each other now, Misha following her every move, ready to jump if she tried to escape.
She opened the dresser and picked her clothes, throwing them angrily in her suitcase without even folding them properly.
“Shut up! Don't pretend you know me! You don't! You did, but it's over. It's fucking over, Misha, do you understand that?”
Her voice was shaky as she started crying, not because she was sad, but because she was full of rage, trying to make him understand that all of this was useless. She had a hard time closing her suitcase, as it was a big mess inside and she was shaking from anger.
“Do what you want here, take whatever you want, I don't even care. I'll call the agency to sell the houses next week, so you better hurry.”
She put her suitcase down and started walking toward the door, taking her jacket and phone on her way. Misha followed her, feeling everything around him crumbling.
“Lily, stop!! Wait!!”
He ran to the door so he could reach it before her and stood on the way so she couldn't get out.
“Get out of my way!” He didn't move.
His jaw clenched and his nostrils flared as he stared at her angrily.
“Make me.” His voice was dangerously calm and low now.
In her rage, Lily threw her jacket in his face but he caught it.
“Get... the fuck... OUT... OF MY SIGHT!” She yelled, catching every object she could put her hand on and throwing them at him between her words.
Tired of her little scene, Misha stepped forward and caught her right wrist so she would stop throwing things at him. She gasped.
“Let me go!” He caught her other wrist, roughly pulled her towards him, spun around and pinned both of her wrists above her head against the front door. She struggled, panting, so he stepped closer to press her whole body between him and the door to keep her from moving and hurt herself.
“You fucking bastard! Get the fuck away from me! Let me go, damn it!!” She screamed, feeling trapped. He got even closer and looked down at her, his face only a few inches from hers, her wrists still pinned above her head.
“I can't...” He whispered between clenched teeth. She panted and tried to struggle even more, but he was definitely stronger so she could only writhe a little under his weight, driving him crazy.
He leaned closer and crashed his lips on hers, sucking on them before biting her lower lip, which startled her so she made a strangled noise. He took both of her wrists in his right hand as he needed the left one to grip firmly on her chin and tilted it up so she would look at him in the eyes.
“I just can't let you go, don't you understand that?” He growled before roughly kissing her once more, this time pushing his tongue inside of her mouth.
She was still panting and writhing between him and the door, but she kissed him back, biting his lower lip too. Misha slid his leg between hers and raised his knee up a little so his thigh was now pushing up right between hers, and she completely lost it when she felt the pressure between her legs. Her eyes shut down and her legs almost gave up so he had to let go of her wrists to support her, but he didn't stop. He grabbed her chin once more and tilted her head up.
“Look at me.” She heard the dominance in his voice and felt the wetness between her thighs spreading, as he laid his hand on her hips and slid it under her shirt, now biting on her neck. She gave in, unable to resist him any longer, raising her arms so he could take her shirt off completely, and she went wild when he licked on her neck, right on the spot that he knew made her weak, soon sliding his tongue lower to her chest. She moaned loudly and grinded against his thigh while she touched him everywhere, finally free from his grip. She almost ripped his shirt open, eager to feel the warmth of his skin against her chest after so long.
She couldn't stop touching him, his large shoulders, his firm chest, then she reached further and scratched his back until her hand finally reach his jean's bandwaist, and she plunged under his boxer to squeeze his ass. He groaned and reached for her jeans too, unzipping them quickly. He pulled his leg back from between hers and she whined at the loss. He stopped kissing her and stared hungrily in her eyes while he pulled her jeans down roughly. She helped him by stepping on it and freeing her legs. She was now only in her underwear and this vision made Misha even more eager.
He pressed his body to hers and cupped her ass, raising her from the ground, and she instinctively locked her legs around his waist, her head falling back against the door in a thud when she felt his rock hard erection through his jeans. She gripped on his shoulders when he kissed her once more. The kiss was wet and full of tongues, they were just devouring each other. She rolled her hips against his jeans and they both whined at the sensation.
Misha turned around with her still hooked around him, walked to his bed and threw her on it before pulling his pants off while she was laying on her back biting her lower lip. He climbed on the bed, put his hands on her knees and spread her legs before laying down on top of her and leaving open wet kisses on her neck. He reached behind her back to unclasp her bra and she arched to help him. She let out a long and obscene moan when he closed his mouth around her right nipple and sucked hard. She scratched his back one more time and shoved her hand between their bodies, gripping his hard clothed cock to stroke it.
“Ahh!” He grunted and threw his face in the crook of her neck, biting harder, kneading one of her breast in his hand. She pulled down on his boxer, unable to wait any longer. He knelt back on the bed between her thighs to help her, and she licked and bit her lower lip, humming when she saw his thick cock finally free. Of course, Misha did the same and quickly pulled her black panties down too, before observing her body with darkening eyes.
His hands caressed up her legs and he bent down to kiss her on the lips. He laid down on top of her and when he felt their naked bodies fully connected, as she wrapped her arms tight around his chest and her legs around his waist, his cock rubbing on her lower stomach, his mood changed, and he kissed her slower and slower, deeper and deeper, realizing he was making love to the woman he missed so much.
He could've kissed her like that forever. It was worth a million words, and he put everything he felt for her in that kiss, sucking on her soft and luscious lower lip, tasting her over and over again. He held her face in his hands and broke the kiss to stare into her green gaze. She stared back at him with shiny eyes and smiled, sliding her hands down to his lower back. She pushed a little and felt the tip of his cock on her now soaking entrance, which caused her head to fall back and her mouth to open without making a sound.
Misha sucked on her neck one more time while thrusting his hips further and entered her slowly until he was fully inside of her, causing her to dig her fingers on his back and moan. He didn't move. He just stopped everything to look at her and appreciate the exquisite feeling of her around him.
“I missed you so damn much.” He whispered.
Her eyes reddened and she ran her fingers through his hair. She gently pushed his head down and kissed him slowly.
“I missed you too.” She replied softly against his lips.
Misha wiped a tear that fell from her eyes with his thumb and stroked her hair back. He gently pressed his lips to hers again and started to thrust slowly. They both stopped kissing to moan in each others mouth, as good as it felt for both of them despite the torturous slow pace of his hips. They stayed with their mouths open, breathing each other's air, while Misha sped up his pace a little and thrust harder, needing more. She moaned at every move.
“Oh... Misha... fuck!” The sounds she made were driving him crazy, so he sped up even more, knowing he wouldn't last long after twenty two years of missing her perfect body.
She grabbed his hair with a hand, wrapping her other arm around his chest. The feeling of him inside of her was pure ecstasy. She forgot how good he felt, how thick he was, how perfectly their bodies matched. She whined and swayed her hips under him, her breasts rubbing against his chest. He could feel her hard nipples against him, her arms shaking around his neck, her warm stomach under his, her legs hooked around his waist, her walls twitching around his cock, and the feeling was almost unbearable.
“Come with me.” He purred in her ear and thrust his hips frantically, sucking her neck one more time.
“Oohhh god... Misha... Oh fuck... yeah!” She bit her lower lip hard and held onto him even tighter, squeezing her eyes shut.
“Open your eyes, Lily...” He wanted to sink into her gaze while she came, he needed her to see him loving her.
The feeling of him thrusting fast and hard inside of her while she was wrapped around his warm and firm body was so unbelievably good that she just wanted to close her eyes to melt in the sensation, but she fought to keep them open and look into his piercing eyes, now almost black from lust, with a hint of blue sparkling emotion.
They both dissolved into pleasure at the same time, staring at each other and screaming each other's names. She felt her walls clenching around his hard cock as his pace became unsteady and he came inside of her, and her eyes rolled back as she cried out his name one more time. He grunted and thrust a few more time, guiding her through her orgasm, and when her moans got lower, he collapsed on top of her, laying his head on her chest to catch his breath. She didn't roll to move him away from her. She needed to melt under his weight and warmth just like she used to do when they were young.
Misha had always been a cuddler, he liked to stay and lay on top of her to cuddle after sex, and apparently it didn't change. He pulled up a little, supported by his elbows on each side of her face, and he looked at her for a while without saying anything.
She opened her eyes and saw him staring at her with awe.
"What?” She whispered. A tender smile slowly grew on his face.
“This is no PTSD... This is not because we're here... This is not nostalgia or any other crap. I love you, Lily, and I mean it. I know you're scared, but I'm not. Something... or someone, took us apart for twenty two years while we could've been happy together, and I'm done wasting time.”
She shook her head, closed her eyes and clenched her jaw.
“Oh Misha...” she caressed his cheek and traveled to his hair. God how she loved his soft hair!
“The only thing I'm asking you right now, is to not regret this. We'll figure the rest later. Can you do that?”
Her right hand traveled softly from his shoulder to his lower back as she sank into his gaze. She knew she would regret this the second she would be away from him. She would feel terribly guilty and she would probably never be able to look at Vicki in the eyes, but right now... she was happy and complete... She felt like she was sixteen again, and she only wanted to keep him forever.
“I don't know.” She replied honestly.
And this was the exact time Vicki chose to call her husband... Misha's phone rang on the nightstand so he picked up, moving away from Lily in the process, and she sighed, feeling empty again. “Hey Vic, what's up?” Misha answered casually.
Of course, Lily's brain started to work... too much. She was currently naked in the bed of a married man and a father, who was also naked, talking to his wife on the phone right after they had unprotected sex... Nice one, Lily! And she was supposed to not regret it and not think she was a reckless slut after that? She just did what Peter did to her a few weeks ago, except it was even worse for her because she was destroying a whole family... Oh god if Rebecca knew about that... She would hate her for devastating her family. And if her mom could see her right now, she would be so ashamed of her own daughter!
She felt terrible, unable to keep listening to him being all cute while West took the phone because he was missing his daddy, so she got up, picked clean clothes in her super messy suitcase, and went to clean up in the bathroom, avoiding looking at herself in the mirror. He was still on the phone, naked in his bed, when she got out, fresh and dressed.
“I don't know yet, we'll probably go to see our old school or something.” She heard him say to Vicki.
He looked at her and winked. She went to check her phone on the armchair near the window.
“I gotta go, Vic. Kiss Maison for me. I'll call when she wakes up.”
He hung up and went to the bathroom to clean up too.
While she waited for him, Lily tried to eat a bit of the chicken salad Misha brought earlier, but all she could hear were the words whore and home wrecker, resonating again and again in her mind, so she gave up eating, feeling nauseous.
When he got out of the bathroom all dressed and ready to go, she observed him, and something bothered her.
“You look like you don't feel an ounce of guilt...”
It startled him so he leaned on the table right next to her.
“That was fast... I thought you'd reject your guilt a little longer.”
She sighed and closed her eyes.
“You just fucked another woman and talked to your wife and kid right after and you act like this is totally normal when it's definitely not.”
He crossed his arms. How could he be so insouciant?
“That's how you see it?”
“That's exactly what it was, Misha! How blind are you?”
“I just made love to the woman I was supposed to marry but lost tragically twenty years ago. We are lucky enough to have a second chance, Lily... I won't let that slip away from me without fighting. I tried to stop missing you, to stop loving you, to stop wanting you, but I can't, you hear me? I can't lose you twice.”
Damn it! He knew perfectly how to make her feel like jelly!
“I don't feel guilty because I know what I'm doing. I know Vicki, I'll talk to her. Then I'll figure something out depending on her reaction.”
“Depending on her reaction??? She will fly to Seattle with her crying kids who lost their daddy, and she'll get to me and slit my throat while I sleep and expose my head to the world! And she will be RIGHT about it!"
He didn't want to, but he slammed his hand on his mouth and laughed uncontrollably.
“Are you fucking laughing? Is this funny to you?”
“Your reaction kinda is, yeah! Do you hear yourself? You should avoid anticipating reactions of people you don't know. I'm pretty sure I know what Vicki will do or say, and I can only tell you you're far from the truth.”
"No. You will shut up about it and preserve what you have. She doesn't have to know does she?"
"Yes, she has to know, first because we are honest with each other about everything, and then because it will happen again."
As appealing and exciting as it sounded in his mouth, she couldn't imagine herself being that kind of woman.
"No, Misha. It won't happen again. Consider this a... I don't know... a closure fuck."
He grabbed her arm and forced her to stand facing him. He was still leaning on the table, so he spread his legs and pulled her towards him, then took her chin in his hand and kissed her. Oh god that mouth... She couldn't help but kiss him back, feeling her legs getting weaker and weaker. He left her mouth to look intensely into her eyes.
"It will..." He leaned to suck on her neck.
"happen..." He traveled to her ear and tugged on her earlobe with his teeth and her eyes rolled.
"again." He pressed her hips to his crotch and she tried to suppress a moan but failed miserably.
"That's it...I'm going to hell." She had a second of lucidity and drew back from him, sitting back on her chair.
"Okay, you have a point, I'm weak and you and your fucking perfect body are devilish. That doesn't mean I want that."
"Seriously? You're still gonna pretend you don't want us to be together after that? Bullshit!"
"I don't know what I want, Misha! Actually yeah... I want us to go back in time and get out of the hospital after the fire with everyone still alive, and we would go to college and get married and be happy like we planned. Can we do that? NO! Every other scenario where I would have to share you or destroy your family is unacceptable."
"Are you done? Who said you would have to share? You're just scared, I understand that, and it's normal. I won't force you to anything, and I won't do anything before talking to Vicki. But unlike you, I know exactly what I want, I will give up only if I know for sure that you don't want it too. But for now... We should go out of this room and have some fresh air to clear our minds. How about we go to the park, then we can go have dinner somewhere, and you know what I would love to do?"
Her face turned into a puzzled expression as she squinted her eyes.
"I would love to check out of here and spend our last night at the farm."
She almost gasped.
"What? There's nothing there! No water, no power... No beds!"
"Like I care. I lived like that before, remember?"
Oh snap... Of course she remembered but she hadn't thought about it and now she felt slightly embarrassed and guilty.
"Yeah you did but... This is different... I mean... It's wild and full of... Insects and who knows what else and..."
He chuckled.
"When did you become so townie? You're a countryside girl! Where did your adventurous spirit go?"
"It burnt away."
That harsh comment hit Misha like an ice cold shower.
"I refuse to let you become that kind of person. We're going, period."
He stood up, put his jacket on, took his suitcase and left the room to go check out at the front desk, taking her with him by the hand. Lily sighed but had no other choice but to follow him... It's gonna be a damn long night.
Warnings : Language, Fire, trauma, PTSD, family members’ death (including child), therapy, flashbacks (not in every chapter), injuries, cheating. Long fic. Angst, fluff, Smut. Mention of suicide.
Words : 5502
Summary : After her grandmother’s funeral, Lily must return to the place she lived in when she was young and has to confront the ghosts of her past. She will run into an old friend that she thought was lost forever.
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CHAPTER 13 - MISTAKES
Life went on pretty normal and boring for Lily after she got back from her trip to Italy.
She had to work a lot, so she was spending most of her days at the music hall, and when that was done, she was practicing at home for hours.
Except for a few text messages, she didn't share much with Misha during that time. She missed him and wanted to spend a lot of time with him, but she knew he was a busy man now, with a family to care about, and it was fine for her.
So that night, when she heard someone ringing at her door, she hoped to see his face when she opened, but was shocked to see the face of Peter instead.
“Peter? What's up? I'm kinda... surprised to see you here.”
“Yeah umm... sorry I didn't call first but... I kinda... miss you and... I thought I would just stop by a few minutes to see if you're okay.”
“I'm fine.”
“Good... can I come in?”
She surprisingly considered letting him in, but didn't know if it was a good idea after all that happened. Noticing her hesitation, Peter helped.
“I just wanna chat for a few minutes and I'll go. Promise. Please, Lily...”
How weak she still was in front of her pleading ex-boyfriend...
“Alright...”
He walked in and kissed her cheek before going to the living room and sit on the sofa.
“So... Is everything okay with you?” Peter asked, patting the sofa next to him so Lily would sit next to him.
She did so.
“Yes, I'm fine, nothing very spectacular since I got back from Rome. I work a lot as usual.”
“Right... Rome. You hate flying, why did you decide to go to Rome all of a sudden?”
“I told you, I needed vacation. Far from here. It was great. It's just a little weird to be on my own now.”
After everything that happened these past weeks, she indeed felt a little lonely in her apartment sometimes. When that feeling was overwhelming and she felt she could lose it, she'd just go to her practice room, put her headphone and dance as long as she could on her favorite music. It was her way to forget she was alone, and it usually worked pretty well.
“You miss your gran'... That's a normal reaction I guess.” He said softly, taking her hand in his and stroked the back of it with his thumb.
She closed her eyes at the pleasant sensation.
“Yeah, I do...”
“Any chance you miss me too?”
He didn't move, but Lily didn't move her hand away from his and sank into his gaze.
“Listen, I know I've been a dick and I deeply regret it. But it happened only once when I was in a hard time and... I know it's no excuse, but I still love you, Lily. So damn much...”
She closed her eyes, melting at his soft words. Why was it so hard to stay mad at him? Why was it so good to hear him say he still loved her?
She reopened her eyes only when she felt his lips on hers. She didn't mind... it felt great, and she missed his kisses. She missed him, and at that moment, she forgot how stupid he had been and how much he hurt her.
It was shy at first, but she kissed him back and after a few seconds it became hungry and needy.
Her whole body was craving his touch, so she didn't protest when he caressed her cheek before laying her back on the sofa and settled on top of her.
She didn't move when he started to undress her.
She didn't flinch when his naked body settled between her legs.
She even moaned when he entered her and thrust fast and hard. It felt good... The physical sensation was good, but her mind wasn't really following.
She was fast to come, and he was too, after so much time spent apart, they couldn't hold back long, but then he stood up and offered his hand to her, suggesting they should move to her bedroom, and she gladly complied.
They spent the whole night on each other, they fell asleep snuggled against each other, and when the morning came, she woke up near him and she felt something strange.
It should've been satisfaction, comfort and peace of mind, but if she had to name it, she would say it was shame mixed with a hint of disappointment and... guilt.
He left before she went to work that morning, and on her way to Benaroya Hall, Lily didn't say anything to Katie, probably because she knew she would make her feel even more ashamed of herself, and she didn't need that. She wouldn't talk about that to Katie... ever.
When Peter called the same evening, she didn't pick up her phone, and when he texted her to ask if he could come over, she didn't reply either.
Just like that, she pushed him away from her one more time, except this time she was the one feeling guilty.
****************
The last week of August came fast, and with it, the day Lily had to leave for her trip to Northfield with Misha as she promised him.
He was free because he wasn't in the next episodes they were filming, and Lily didn't work the whole week, so they jumped on a plane, just the two of them, to go back to the place they used to share and love so much, and hopefully turn the page of their old relationship to start a new platonic one. That's at least what Lily expected from this trip, and what Misha told her he wanted too.
As surprising as it was, Lily was happy to do it. She needed things to be clear between them, and she especially wanted to do that for Vicki. His wife was too amazing to risk anything. She would never forgive herself if they'd fight because of her. He built a perfect family and he deserved to be happy with them. But in order to do that, he would need to give them all of him, and apparently he needed to let go of the part of him that was still stuck in the past with Lily.
Misha took care of booking the hotel, a nice place not too far from Lily's grandmother's mansion. They arrived on a cloudy Tuesday morning, and Lily was happy to finally settle somewhere else than a plane or a car.
She went to the front desk to check in while Misha was getting some coffee, but he apparently didn't book his room under his real name because she could only find hers.
“Are you sure you don't have anyone called Krushnic? Or Collins? Or Vantoch... or Tippens maybe?”
“Sorry Ma'am but no...”
Misha popped out from behind, carrying two cups.
“Yep! This is it, we're good to go.” He took the key from her and started to walk towards the elevator.
“Wait! I don't have your key, I didn't know which name you booked your room with!”
“I booked only one room, Lily. Let's go.”
It took a few seconds for her to process what he just said, and by that time she heard the 'ding' of the elevator's door.
“Wait... What??? Are you nuts?”
“Relax! two beds.” He winked and she sighed.
“Oh... Fine... a little awkward but fine.”
“That's not awkward. We're just two old friends sharing a room.”
She scoffed, not missing the irony in his voice. She couldn't believe he was the one saying that.
“Sure, sure... two friends who used to fuck like rabbits, but sure!”
He almost chocked on his coffee.
“Miss Hagen! such a crude language!”
It was her time to wink before stepping out of the elevator.
“I'll try to refrain from snoring then.”
They settled on their room and decided to visit the mansion first as they were not far from it.
When they arrived at the Litchfield's house and Lily opened the door of the workshop, the smell of wood rushed to Misha's nose and with it, all the memories he treasured so much.
"God! The smell itself brings back tons of memories."
"Look!" Lily trotted to a shelf, took the small plane that sat on it and handed it to Misha.
"Remember this?"
Misha walked next to her and took the object from her.
"Damn! Isn't it the first thing I did with your grandpa?"
He looked at her as she nodded with a smile.
"I was so proud I did this, I couldn't stop talking about it with you and I carried it with me everywhere."
"Oh yeah... Believe me, I remember." She chuckled and he joined her.
"Now I see it's just ugly!"
"Aw you're too hard on yourself, it's just... handwork."
They shared an amused look and cracked up.
"You should take it and give it to West."
"Yeah, I'll do that. He will be happy to hear that bedtime story of me cutting my fingers to make it... He's into a bloody stories phase... Hey!"
He suddenly spotted something in the drawer he just pulled and picked it up. When he turned around to face Lily and raised his hand, she saw a chain hanging on his fingers, the wooden braided ring he made for her hooked on it.
"What is it doing here? You were supposed to wear it and keep it forever!"
Lily's eyes sparkled.
"I lost it! Of course I never told you that, but I didn't know where it was! Grandma must've found it and thought it belonged here so she put it back."
"Well... I disagree." He stepped forward and wrapped his hands at the back of her neck, locked the necklace and gently pulled her long wavy hair out of it.
"It belongs here."
It instantly reminded her of the day he gave it to her, right before their first time, and she suddenly felt a very familiar flutter in her chest, but tried to push it away.
Misha was still in front of her, his blue eyes piercing into hers. She cleared her throat, and he almost jumped, lost in his memories too.
"Alright! You can actually take whatever you want. I'll probably sell the place so... I'll get rid of everything you won't keep."
That felt terribly wrong to Misha.
"What? You seriously consider selling this place?"
She walked along the shelves, brushing her fingers on each wooden toys.
"What else can I do?"
"Anything! You have plenty of possibilities! You can't just throw this away like it doesn't mean anything!"
She noticed his voice raising and getting higher and felt a little guilty. She could understand he was sad to see all of this go, she was too, but she thought he was smart enough to be reasonable about it anyway.
"You're too sentimental, Misha. I can't keep huge places like those only because I had good times in it. It's a total waste!"
He turned around and ran nervously his hands in his hair, scanning everything in the room.
"Too sentim-..." He didn't even bother finishing to repeat what she just said, as offensive as it felt. "You grew up here! You spent all your childhood and teenage years between this house and the farm, your most treasured memories are inside those walls, and now that it's yours, you wanna just give everything up and throw all this away like an old box of crap?"
His voice was raising even more and she didn't like that, so she raised hers too.
"Hey! don't you dare talk like it means nothing to me! It's not an easy thing to do, but I don't see what else I can do with two fucking huge houses when I live at the opposite side of the continent, and you were the one who wanted to come here to turn the page, so brace yourself Mr Collins, because this is part of moving on, and it's MY fucking choice!"
She was out of breath now. Why did he have to make her feel guilty about everything? They were here to collect memories and have a good time, but here they were yelling at each other again, in the middle of her grandfather's favorite place, and Misha apparently wasn't done.
"Well it's a BAD choice!"
"Just because you don't agree doesn't make it a bad choice..." Her voice was a bit shaky now, so she said it lower.
His jaw twitched, he was visibly holding his reply back. He took an empty box, threw as many things he could inside and walked out of the garage with rage plastered on his face.
"Hey! Where are you going?"
When he didn't answer, she hurried, locking the door behind her and rushed after him.
They were all the way up at the front of the house when she finally saw him, loading the box in the car he rented.
"Misha!"
Still no answer. He was now in the car, starting the engine. She ran faster and yelled.
"Hey! You can't just leave me here like that, you're my ride! What the hell are you doing? Misha!!!!"
He ignored her and drove away while she just stood here alone, shocked and aghast.
" DICK !" She cursed out loud, kicking the ground.
And of course she had let her purse in the car, and her phone was in it...
"Arrrgggh asshole!!!"
She started to feel dizzy because of all the rage swirling inside of her, ready to explode, so she sat in the grass near the parking lot and took deep breaths.
That was a very good start for this trip, right?
When she felt better, she tried to think about where he could've been gone. Maybe he went back to the hotel... But she doubted he would just lock himself in a hotel room. Or maybe he went to the farm? Mmmh... Knowing she wanted to sell it, he was probably too angry for that now... And then she remembered he always went to the same place when he was not feeling good... The place where he lived before moving to the cottage with his family...
*********************************************
Northfield - December 1987
Lily and her mother were walking back home in the freezing night after they went shopping in town. It was almost Christmas so they went to buy some presents for the family, and Lily bought some for Misha and Sasha too, as she knew they were back in town.
Misha had stopped by her grandmother's house the day before to bring her grandpa some presents for Christmas, to thank him and her grandma for everything they've done for him and his family.
Unfortunately, they didn't know the old man died in his sleep a few weeks ago, so when her grandma told them, Lily heard Misha's sob resonating through the entry hall.
They came inside to talk around a cup of tea, and Rebecca told her grandmother they were back in town and she planned to stay for a while. That made Lily very happy to have her best friend back for Christmas.
When she asked where they were staying, Rebecca didn't answer and changed the subject, so Lily just supposed they were still staying at the same small place, a few blocks away.
"Lily, can you speed up please? It's freezing outside and I still have to make dinner." Her mother called. Lily was stuck in her mind, walking behind her mom absentmindedly.
"Sorry... But we could've taken a car you know... It would've been faster!"
"Aw, come on sweetie-Ly, it's so pleasant to walk in the snow when it's Christmas time! It's not like we live far from the city. Stop complaining, you're a healthy and lucky thirteen year-old girl... Some people don't even have legs! Be grateful!"
What??
Lily rolled her eyes.
"Seriously? I can't believe you just said that..."
"Believe it or not but it's true. So now... What do we cook for dinner?"
"Mmmh... Spaghetti!!"
Mary chuckled.
"Sometimes I really wonder if you have Italian blood."
"Well you should know that better than I d- Ouch! Mom!" Mary stopped walking suddenly, and as Lily was walking right behind her without paying attention, she bumped into her, head first.
She rubbed her sore nose and saw her mom looking straight ahead at the other side of the road, so Lily checked to see what had caused her to stop walking so abruptly.
She was surprised to find Misha's eyes staring back at her, with a glimpse of awkwardness in his gaze. He was standing in front of... a tent?
For a few seconds, no one dared moving or talking. Mary didn't want to make him feel even more uncomfortable, Lily wasn't sure she understood what was exactly going on, and Misha was just frozen, obviously not expecting their visit.
It was a little away from the center, near the woods that were following the road to go to the farm, in a camp where a few people usually settled for the night when they were traveling. It was definitely not a good place to live for a long period, especially in the cold winter.
Mary decided she couldn't just ignore him and crossed the road, followed by Lily.
“Hey Misha! Lily told me you were back in town, I'm happy to see you! It's been a long time.” She hugged him and searched the place.
“Is your mom around?”
As if on cue, Rebecca appeared from inside the tent. She must've heard them and went to hug her friend she hadn't seen for a while.
“Hey Becca, I missed you! Why didn't you say you were planning to come back? I would've arranged a few things for you.”
“I missed you too, Mary. It's been almost a year! Don't worry, we're fine.”
“Is Sasha with you too?”
Lily saw Misha and her mom exchanging a quick glance.
“He's sleeping inside. He's a bit sick.”
“Do you have a place to stay? I mean... other than... here?”
“Sure! This is temporary. We were supposed to go back to the place we had before but it wasn't free right away so...”
“Well now that I just found you, I can't just go home and do like nothing happened! I have so many things to tell you! Why don't you all come with us and we'll have dinner? It's too cold to be outside. Plus Lily's craving spaghetti so she will probably cook for too many people again.”
Lily looked down amused and she heard Misha chuckling. It was a bad habit... she always cooked too much when she was starving.
“Alright... Just let me wake Sasha up.”
She disappeared inside the tent, and when she came out again, she was carrying Sasha who was obviously too weak to fully wake up.
“Ugh! He's definitely getting too big for me!” She put him down and Misha helped him walk. Lily came at the other side and helped supporting him too.
When they were finally home, Lily took Misha with her in the kitchen to cook dinner while the two women took care of Sasha in the first floor's guest room.
“Thank you, Mary.” Rebecca said in a low voice while she was tucking his son in the bed.
“You're welcome... are you sure you don't want me to take him to the hospital? I really think he has a bad cold and needs antibiotics...”
Rebecca rubbed Sasha's hot and sweaty forehead tenderly.
“We don't have health insurance anymore. I can't buy him antibiotics. He'll be just fine if he can rest here for a few days.”
“Of course he can stay here.” Mary laid a reassuring hand on her friend's shoulder.
“Let's go downstairs before Lily burn the whole kitchen, shall we?”
They shared dinner in the living room while Sasha was resting, and Mary took this opportunity to tell Rebecca what she really had in mind.
“You know... the cottage is free if you... want a temporary place to stay while your place is getting ready...”
Misha looked at his mother with his eyes full of hope but they didn't share a word. Lily could tell he was worried, she knew him enough to notice when something was wrong, and he was awfully quiet for someone who usually was so chatty with her, especially after a long period without seeing each other.
“I mean... I know you have plans and I would hate to overstep but... It's almost Christmas and since my husband and my dad died we kinda feel lonely here and I would absolutely love to have you with us... Plus I could really use your help in the farm... and Lily and your boys are already good friends so I'm sure it won't be a problem... what do you think?”
“I think...” Rebecca looked at her son one more time, trying to see if he was okay with the idea, but she only saw him sharing a warm smile with Lily.
“I think it's actually not a bad idea.”
“Great! Oh that's gonna be fantastic! Let me get dessert now!”
Mary stood up happily and went to the kitchen, humming Christmas carols, a huge smile on her face.
That was the beginning of a long period of happiness for both families, and one of the best Christmas Misha's family had until now.
*********************************************
It was raining when Lily arrived at the camp an hour later, so she popped out her umbrella. She had to ask her grandmother's old neighbors to call a taxi so she could drive here. They were nice old people, but very curious to learn about the little Lily they saw growing up, so she had no choice but to tell them what was going on in her life, avoiding the details as much as she could.
She scanned the place and saw him on the same spot he always came to when he needed to think. He was sitting on the wet stoned picnic table facing the place their tent was once settled, his feet on the bench, his elbows on his knees, burying his head in his hands. He obviously was here for a while because he was so wet that his hair was dripping. Lily's heart tightened at that vision.
She slowly and quietly stepped towards him. Misha didn't hear her, and it's only when he couldn't feel the cold rain dropping on his skin that he looked up to see her standing before him, her arm extended to share her umbrella with him.
“You're wet.” She pointed out in almost a whisper.
He looked away, observing the few people trying to get their drying clothes inside, surprised by the rain.
“How did you find me?”
She scoffed.
“Well... seems like you still have the same thinking spot after all those years. May I sit with you?”
He shrugged and she sat up to the table next to him, still sharing her large black umbrella so they wouldn't get too wet.
“Misha... What is it? I can't believe you're that upset just because of me selling the houses.”
He sighed.
“You don't get it, do you? It's so much more than that to me. More than a few pieces of lands and walls.”
“I do get it! It is for me too, what do you think? It's hard but necessary. You asked for this trip, Misha. You wanted to come here and leave all of this behind you, and now you act like I'm the bad person who wants to get rid of everything you cared about. I never said it would be easy.”
He wiped the wetness off his face and brushed his hair back with his fingers.
“I've built my whole house thanks to your grandfather's lessons... I've created a charity based on the values he taught me... I became an actor to be able to change things in this world, because I wanted to do as much as your family did for us on a larger scale, I married a woman who I love because she sometimes manages to make me feel as good as I felt when I was with you... I have two kids who I want to raise exactly with the same values your family taught me. My whole life is based on this place... my whole damn life, and probably my mom's and Sasha's too, gravitates around you, your family and this place! I'm just sad to let it go.”
A tear fell from Lily's eyes as she took Misha's hand in hers. She actually never thought about it like that.
“And what do you think it did to me when I had to let go? I had nothing anymore... My whole life turned into ashes, including my family.” She sniffed “Every.single.member of my family is dead, Misha. I am utterly alone, but I know I have to keep going for them.” She couldn't hold her tears back anymore.
Misha leaned his forehead on her shoulder and closed his eyes.
“How did you manage it?”
“I don't know...” It was a whisper.
“Sometimes I just wanna die to be with them again.”
His head flew up but she ignored him and looked in the distance.
“I thought about slicing my wrists probably a hundred times after the fire, thinking I didn't deserve to live when everybody else died. Ryan should've lived instead of me... but here I am... and I have to keep going for them... and I will.”
Misha laced his fingers with hers and squeezed her hand.
“I told you that a long time ago, and it's still true today... You're the most amazing woman God has ever created on this planet.”
She laughed bitterly between her tears.
“Oh my! I'm definitely not.”
“You're wrong about one point though.”
She met his piercing blue eyes when she noticed he wouldn't talk more.
“You're not alone. As long as I'm alive, I'll make sure of that.”
She threw her arms around his neck and broke down crying, realizing she needed to hear that for a very long time, but never in those past twenty years had she thought Misha would be the one pronouncing them.
She drew back and kissed his cheek.
“Thank you.”
“Oh... Is that the french way to say thank you? I like it.”
She giggled and nicely slapped his shoulder.
“Shut up.”
“So... Are we going to the farm today?”
“How about we get up early tomorrow and go? I'm freezing and I'm starving, snuggling in my bed stuffing my face like a pig feels like heaven to me right now to be honest.”
Misha chuckled.
“How sexy! Alright let's go then... maybe they'll have spaghetti.” He helped her jumping down of the table.
She let out a long moan.
“Stop talking dirty to me!”
She hooked her arm around his and they started walking back to the cab.
“We never really tried that...” Misha said after thinking silently for a while.
“Try what?”
“Dirty talk!”
He said it too loud so Lily sank into him and hid her face with her umbrella.
“Geez, can you yell it louder? Someone at the other end of the planet didn't catch! We were fifteen, for god sake, of course we never did that! I was too innocent, you perv!”
He burst out laughing, throwing his head back and closing his eyes.
“Do you listen to yourself, miss purity? You were far from innocent!”
“What? Yes I was! I didn't even know how to dirty talk at the time!”
“Mmh I don't really agree here... You knew perfectly what to say to drive me crazy.”
“Can we change the subject? Just get in the damn car.”
He threw a mischievous look at her before getting in the car, and they were back in the hotel ten minutes later.
“Dibs for the shower!” Lily ran though the door and went directly to her suitcase to find clean clothes.
“Said the girl who spent an hour under the rain without an umbrella...” Misha replied sarcastically.
“Oh... Sorry I didn't think about that... But you're the one who booked only one room, so screw you, I'm going in the shower.” She ran and locked the bathroom door behind her.
“That language again...”
Misha ordered food while she was showering and laid on his bed to call Vicki and the kids. He was speaking to West when he heard Lily's panicked voice through the bathroom door.
“Oh God, Misha, help me!!!”
He jumped out of bed, his heart bouncing.
“Tell mommy I have to go, baby!” And he hung up fast.
“Lily? What is it?” he called with panic, knocking on the bathroom door.
“There is a giant monster in the bathtub!!”
Oh... He sighed and chuckled with relief when he understood what it was about and tried to joke about it.
“What kind of monster? Do I need salt or is it more of a silver kind of monster?”
Uh?
She had absolutely no idea what he was talking about but she had no time to waste!
“The eight legs kind of monster!! Get in there and kill it before I die!!!”
He couldn't help but laugh and turned the door knob.
“If you don't unlock the door, it will be difficult for me to get in, you know...”
“AAAhhh it's moving!!!”
He heard the click of the door lock and she grabbed the front of his shirt.
“Get in here!”
He saw her draped in her towel, her hair dripping. That was not a bad view...
She pointed at the bathtub and he looked inside.
“Great specimen of tarantula indeed...”
“What? Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!”
He giggled like a kid.
“Lily, there are no tarantulas here, I'm just joking. Will you please chill out and-”
“WILL YOU PLEASE KILL IT NOW???”
“Wow okay!” He took the shower head and was about to turn on the hot water.
“You're gonna kill it with the shower head??”
“If you don't shut up I'm not gonna kill it, I'll put it in your bed.”
She bit her lower lip but...
“What if it crawls back up the pipe when I'm in the shower?”
“Okay, that's enough.” He put the shower head back in it's place before turning to her.
“What are you doing?”
He grabbed her and she panicked when he carried her on his shoulder.
“Misha let me down!!! Okay, I'll shut up! I'll do whatever you want!! Oh my god don't do this! I'm sorry!”
He slammed her down on her bed and pointed his index finger at her.
“If you move from here, you'll be in trouble.”
She didn't reply but didn't move when he got back in the bathroom. She heard the water running and when he went back in the room a few seconds later, she was still in the same position on her back, supported by her elbows.
“Good girl. You can go now, it's gone.”
She collapsed on her bed.
“I'm too tired now... you can go first.”
Misha rolled his eyes and went to the shower. When he was done and got back in the room, he saw Lily still laying on her back, but she was asleep. He wanted to get her a blanket but a knock on the door interrupted him and woke her up. It was room service bringing their food.
“Dinner time.” He winked.
“God exists... are you gonna wear a shirt or...”
He looked down at himself.
“Do I need to?”
She was staring at his very distracting chest and a grin slowly appeared on her face.
“You still have your nipple freckle.”
He chuckled and she pouted when he put a gray T-shirt on.
“Eat!” He ordered.
They both ate on his bed, and they laid down watching some TV. She instinctively snuggled next to him, and soon enough she fell asleep against him. Misha looked at her sleeping like that next to him and he smiled, remembering the countless times they both fell asleep like that when they were young, and he realized he missed it more than he would want to admit.
He pulled the blanket up on them both, kissed her hair and soon joined her.
