When you first came here, you forgot you were dead. Stuck in the same state as the other dreaming dead, you dreamt you were with her, in a pile. Silent, holding eachother close during a fierce storm. The fireplace lit, and eyes fixed on it. Living underwater, she never saw such a thing before. The smell of hot cocca in the air, and the savory taste of a stew still on your lips. Your eyelids weakening. She may have cold blood, but she feels so warm to you. Her hand reaching to your lips to wipe away the sweet chocolate on your lips.It was like magic.

Then Aradia came, and it faded.

You swear she looked a little sorry for you. But you know the idea of someone having any sympathy for you is as realistic as magic.

Even now, you swear you can still feel her hand on your face, when you know it is long gone, and you can feel her there, when you know she would never want to be near you again.

A pale imitation of your hive is all you know anymore. It's halls lonelier than ever, the sky outside a perpetual storm. Your lusus is with you, but it's not really him, just a memory. Nothing short of magic could bring him back, and you know that magic is a silly fantasy. Another thing of the past that you can't let go.

Sometimes the others end up in your bubble, when their's collide with yours, but nobody visits. They see your hive and they head in the other direction, as you are not worth their time. Sometimes you see a Kanaya from your window, lingering, before heading on, a somber tone to her pace. Sometimes a Karkat, glaring at the ground before leaving. Once, even a Sollux.

Never a Feferi.

Why would she even look at you? You killed her. Murdered her. Your wand piercing through her heart. You ended a life, her life, the life of someone with nothing but compassion. You ruined everything. You stole her life from her, crushed her hopeful, loving heart. She could never forgive you. She never should.

Whenever lightning flashes outside, pink fills the hive. A magnificent pink. Like hers.

You avoid the rooms with windows now.

The worst times in your personal hell is when you end up in her bubbles. You see her regal hive, or her land, stunning as her. And you are forced to wonder if you killed her in this timeline too.

You've seen iterations of yourself that are happy. That are still near her. That never killed her. That likely died defending her or by her side. You can't even bring yourself to be envious of them anymore.

You're just glad she can be happy. That they can make her happy.

You wish you could do that for her again.