#slightly facetious

Isabella of France was married to Edward II of England when she was twelve. He was ten years her senior and, to modern eyes, obviously super gay. It might have even been obvious at the time, because Isabella’s uncles got really pissed off when Edward spent his entire wedding feast hanging out with his boyfriend Piers rather than his child bride, and ended up giving Piers loads of jewellery that should have been Isabella’s wedding present.

Things were not off to a good start.

In the five years after her wedding, things got super awks. Piers Gaveston was from quite a lowly knightly family, but Edward promoted him beyond all reason and it pissed.his.barons.off. It didn’t help that Piers famously gave all the barons fatphobic and anti-semitic nicknames that made them even angrier. Eventually, they all clubbed together, kidnapped Piers, took him to this random hill and chopped his head off. Edward, who was desperately running around trying to save Piers, ended up abandoning heavily pregnant seventeen-year-old Isabella in this random priory as an army approached. Nevertheless, she stood by her man and tried to get support for Edward from her family back in France.

Once the barons had killed Piers and the fighting ended, and Isabella gave Edward a son and heir (also called Edward), you might think that things would have calmed down... but no. Edward got himself another boyfriend called Hugh Despenser, who was even more awful and unpopular than Piers had been. Hugh and Edward basically acted like mafia bosses, running around England bullying people who had been tenuously involved in the murder of Piers. Their victims included a guy called Roger Mortimer, who ended up being imprisoned in the Tower of London on trumped up charges before escaping in the middle of the night and fleeing to France, because he was a dangerous bad boy in that way.

Remember him. 

With little opposition, Edward confiscated people’s lands and property, and they all mysteriously ended up in Hugh’s name. Isabella tolerated it at first, but when the barons ended up rebelling again with the help of the Scots, Edward ended up abandoning Isabella at some random priory again, leaving her to escape with the help of a couple of squires.

She’d really had enough.

After the fighting had once again quietened down, Isabella left Edward to live with Hugh while she went on a big pilgrimage around the country on her own. By the time she got back, things had grown tense with France, and Hugh had persuaded Edward to confiscate all Isabella’s lands and give them to him.

She’d really, really had enough.

At this point, Isabella was no longer the naive seventeen-year-old who felt obliged to stick by her husband. She was now thirty, and had a thirteen-year-old son she could use as a bargaining chip. So, with Edward and Hugh living it up in London, she decided that it was time to visit her brother the King of France. Due to some important feudal reasons, she took Edward Jr. with her in his father’s stead, saying he could be a representative of Edward Sr. Edward agreed, because he really couldn’t afford going to France himself, as the barons were always on the cusp of rebelling.

Unfortunately for Edward, the second Isabella got to France, she started dressing as a widow and publicly declaring her husband was dead to her, and that Hugh Despenser had ruined their marriage. Edward was outraged, but in spite of lots of pleading letters, Isabella refused to come back with Edward Jr, and her brother declined to kick her out. Instead, she just stayed in France going to lots of parties with English exiles, including Roger Mortimer, the aforementioned sexy bad boy, with whom she shared a love for Arthurian romances.

You can see where this is going, right?

Once she was shacked up with Roger, Isabella took her new boyfriend and Edward Jr. to Hainault (which is now a bit of Belgium) to meet the Count. In exchange for a huge dowry, Isabella got Edward Jr. engaged to Philippa, the Count’s daughter. Isabella and Roger then took that money to hire an army and invade England, taking Edward Jr. with them.

The second Isabella and Roger arrived in England, all the barons rebelled and it was basically game over for Edward and Hugh. Chronicles describe how “the king and his husband” fled to Wales, but they were eventually captured together there. Edward was imprisoned while Isabella and Roger decided what to do with him, while Hugh was brought to trial. Although attempting to starve himself to death, Hugh was found guilty of a whole lot of crimes (including, according to some, sodomy) and was eventually sentenced to be hung, drawn, and quartered, with biblical verses against arrogance written all over his body.  This was carried out in the market place in Hereford, and Isabella and Roger had a huge banquet while watching it happen.

Hence the “pass me the salt” quip.

After this, Isabella and Roger basically became the rulers of England in actuality, so had to choose what to do with Edward Sr. Given he was an anointed king, they decided the best thing to do was to force him to abdicate in favour of Edward Jr. Parliament dutifully carried this out, with Edward Jr. becoming Edward III, and Edward Sr. was moved to Berkeley Castle where he mysteriously died two months later.

Hmmm...

(*There is a story that Edward was killed with a red hot poker, but the story is so gross and homophobic I won’t repeat it here*).

So, from then on Isabella and Roger basically lived together out in the open, acting as regents for fourteen-year-old Edward Jr. This was super scandalous because, not only had Isabella’s husband recently “mysteriously” died, Roger was married with ELEVEN children. Nevertheless, they partied, they acted as if they were husband and wife, and Roger went around as if he was the king, making deals with the Scots and spending loads of money.

Unfortunately for them, they underestimated Edward Jr.

Things really came to a head once Edward Jr. turned eighteen, as he wanted to act as king in his own right. The situation was also super tense because Isabella possibly fell pregnant with Roger’s baby around this time, which would have been the scandal of the century. Roger and Isabella moved to Nottingham Castle for safety where, during an argument with one of their courtiers, Roger supposedly shouted that his word was more important than that of the king’s. This got back to Edward Jr. and he decided it was time to act.

Gathering together a group of his drinking buddies, Edward snuck into Nottingham Castle via a secret tunnel. One story goes that Roger and Isabella were in bed together at the time, and Edward stormed in and promptly arrested Roger. While Isabella got down on her hands and knees and begged her son to spare her lover, Edward refused and had Roger dragged away. In a turn away from the violence perpetuated by his parents, Edward refused to let the vengeance go further than against Roger himself. In a surprisingly magnanimous move, Edward ordered that Roger be hanged, but be spared the drawing and quartering that he and Isabella had seen carried out against Hugh. None of Roger’s family were targeted either (unlike what had happened with Hugh’s family), and Edward Jr’s seizure of power ended the cycle of civil war and rebellion that had plagued his father’s reign.

It was at this point that Isabella had a mental breakdown, caused by the death of Roger and a possible miscarriage. Knowing that she was a huge threat to his kingship, Edward Jr kept Isabella under house arrest for two years. However, eventually, when things had quietened down, he let her go free and retire to her own estates. There, she grew close to her daughter Joan, and also looked after Roger’s children, becoming friends with his daughter Agnes.

Just before the end of her life, Isabella became a nun, and was buried in London. She requested to be buried in the mantle she had worn at the ill fated wedding feast years earlier, and that Edward’s heart be interred beside her.

So... that’s Isabella, “The She Wolf of France”.