#slightly comical

Gay Marriage: Everyone has the right to fall in love, get married, get divorced, and die jaded, cold and alone.

Abortion: Abortion is murder, delicious murder that I support for the sake of killing babies.

War on Terror: When guns, cigarettes and alcohol don't kill enough Americans we can always count on a war. If the corporations approve then we should too. They run this country anyway.

Healthcare: It does make it easier for me to score whatever prescription drugs I want.

Alternative Energy: Tell me again Fox News, what is Solyndra?

Occupy Movement: Political figures keep your hands out of this, protesting is a lost art in America and you aren't helping.

Economic Crisis: I didn't realize steady GDP growth was a crisis.

Gas Prices: I'll let you know when I buy a car in the summer.

Women's Health: I'm a man so I have no say in this topic. But if you keep the sandwiches coming I'll say whatever you want ladies.

Tornados in America: If they kill themselves now they'll have a higher death toll than Columbine. Too soon? Sorry but I don't think this story deserves as much coverage as the hurricanes got. Once 1,800+ white people in low economic areas are killed and Taylor Swift goes on record saying "President Obama doesn't care about white people," then we'll talk.

Religion: All of us depend on a system of beliefs. What's right for you is right for you, it's not necessarily right for me. If you want me to believe in unempirical evidence of God, you better construct a sound defense because until then I take the stance of, "I don't know and neither do you,"

Pop Music/Culture: I don't want to live on this planet anymore.