#singledad!cal

That strength was beginning to crumble; his resilience was breaking and sheer exhaustion was winning. One night felt heavier than most. Late hours were filled with more tears and questions than ever before. It was nearly one in the morning when Calum finally picked up his phone. He was hesitant; not wanting to wake Ashton or his family at such an hour, but with Declan in hysterics and Addie unable to sleep, he felt he couldn’t handle it alone. Not tonight. He swallowed his pride and dialed, it rang only once and he didn’t have to say anything more than a cracked hello before Ashton told him he’d be over in a minute. Living so close by lent truth to Ashton’s words but even a minute felt like a lifetime. It took all of the strength left in Calum to pick himself up off of the couch with Addie in his arms and Declan trailing him to get the door. An instant sense of relief washed through him when Ashton pushed his way through and began taking control of a situation Calum nearly felt helpless and hopeless in.

“Declan,” Ashton began, his stern fatherly voice taking hold. Usually it was reserved for when one of his flock ran a little too wild. But this time there was a presence of softness and understanding. “You need to go to bed.”

Declan, with tears still in his eyes and a staunch stubbornness innate within him, simply said no. It wasn’t funny; the nights of no’s and tears were heavy and becoming a problem. But the dry laugh that spilled out of Calum may have indicated otherwise. If it weren’t for the tilt of Ashton’s head at the simple word of defiance or the way his jaw went slack, laughter wouldn’t have been his first response. Calum could only watch the rest of the exchange as he gently bounced a stirring Addie, hoping it might lull her.

“No?” Ashton asked as he bent down, one knee hitting the tile floor and hands settling on his other leg. Declan stayed contrite in his answer with crossed arms. “Why?”

Declan merely shook his head and planted himself firmly at Calum’s side. A few minutes of bargaining and begging ensued, a small bribe and an eventual agreement got Declan’s hold off of Calum and scooped into Ashton’s arms instead. Calum felt a pang as Ashton walked off with Declan, a tightness in his chest that ached and wondered if he was doing the right thing; if he was doing right by his kids and handling everything well. Through the pain and doubt a small noise cut through, Addie’s giggle settling his worries as he looked at her in all of her innocence and love. She stared back at Calum, now more awake than ever, brown eyes big and small curls wild as another little laugh escaped her.

“What’s so funny, little lady?”

Calum wasn’t expecting her to answer and was startled when Ashton’s voice rang out instead. “He knocked out as soon as I turned the lights off.”

“Good,” Calum notes; unsure how Ashton even managed to get him so far as into bed. Most nights Calum couldn’t get him down the hallway and usually ended up with Declan restless in his bed for the night. “He’s overtired. Needs to get some sleep.”

“And so do you,” Ashton quipped with a raised eyebrow and gesture to hand Addie off to him.

Calum quickly shook his head and held her just a bit closer. “It’s okay, I can get her to sleep.”

“She’s wide awake and you’re half asleep on your feet.”

Calum considered that for a moment. Felt the weight of Addie in his tired arms, the weakness in his knees and the gentle sway of his body begging him to rest. He ran his fingers gently through her curls and gave her one last kiss before reluctantly letting Ashton take over. He wasn’t sure how he managed to bring himself to bed, always noting the absence of another on the left, or how he fell asleep when his life was spiraling out of control. But when morning came and the house was silent Calum realized he hadn’t slept so well in weeks. Panic cut through him when blurry numbers on the clock came into view. A blinking ten am stared back at him and prompted him to jump up and rush to the living room. He caught his breath and a subtle wind of confusion when he saw Luke on the couch, coddling Addie.

“Where’s Declan?” Calum asked abruptly and tacked on, “and Ashton?”

Luke turned to face Calum and then shot his eyes towards the front door. “Ash brought him to preschool. Said he was gonna get you some groceries after. Called me for backup with Addie. She had breakfast and helped me do the dishes.”

Calum relaxed. All the tension he had been holding inside began to ease at the help from his friends. The kitchen was cleaned from its once perilous state of dishes stacked in the sink and food cluttering the countertops. Calum sighed, shook his head and felt his heart drop. He hadn’t meant for their world to be spun so far into chaos. He had been trying to keep his head above water and his kids afloat for weeks. Last night they sank.

“I’m sorry,” Calum whispered as he joined Luke and Addie on the couch. “I’m sorry you guys got pulled into all of this. I should be doing better on my own.”

Luke scoffed, eyebrows knitting together and an incredulous look capturing his eyes. He shifted, moving to better face Calum and keep Addie comfortable in his hold. “You don’t have to go through this alone. You don’t have to be sorry for needing help. We love you and the kids, we’re gonna be here for you whether you like it or not.”

A dry laugh escaped Calum and an appreciative head nod followed.

“Besides, I don’t think I’m ever letting go of Addie,” Luke continued and gave her a small squeeze. “She’s mine now.”

Calum shook his head and reached his arms out. “Luke, give me my baby.”

Luke grinned then scrunched up his nose as he looked at the sleeping baby in his arms. “No, maybe later.”

Calum could only laugh at the exchange and found himself feeling much lighter by the time Ashton was walking through the door with bags of groceries in his grasp. When all was put away and Addie was put down for a proper nap—Luke being very reluctant to let go—Calum took a moment to express his appreciation.

“Thank you guys, for everything. I don’t—I don’t think I can do this alone.”

“You won’t have to,” Ashton reaffirmed Luke’s earlier sentiment. “We’ve got you. Why don’t you go get some extra rest. Mike’s gonna pick Declan up from school and bring him to dance practice—we’ll have a big family dinner tonight. You don’t have to do a thing.”

Calum nodded as he realized how much he missed the company of his friends and their families. That they truly were all one big family. His kids would always have him and the extra love of their extended family. He came back to the surface in a gentle float as he reminded himself he’d never have to go through anything alone—all he had to do was ask for help.

<< >>

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“Yes, pwease, Daddy?” His son nods vigorously. 

After double checking the price, Cal agrees, handing it back to his son. It’s only a few bucks. “Next time, please ask.”

“Okay.” Calum stares at his son, his black curls and chubby cheeks. A spitting image of himself, except for the eyes. They’re blue like his mother’s. Calum still has to fight the urge to send her a photo, call her, ask her why she’d abandon the sweetest boy he’s ever known. But he knows he shouldn’t do that. She left for a reason; she wasn’t ready, not like she thought she once was. Calum can’t fault that. Parenthood is not easy at all. He just wishes she stuck it out for Jaiden’s first word, the first wobbly run, the pleases’s and thank you’s that always fall so easily from his lips. That would change her mind, maybe. That would make her realize what she gave up on.

Jaiden kicks his feet a little, playing at the keychain before looking back up to his father. He smiles, showing all his teeth. Calum presses a soft kiss to his forehead, before rustling his hair. He hates this; Calum knows well enough. But sometimes Cal can’t help just a quick tussle of his curls. Jai likes to return the hair tussle when he can, their way of showing affection. 

“Daddy, stop!” Jaiden cries, trying to dodge his father’s hand. The two of them laugh before Calum finally stops, double checking that he’s added the soap to the basket. Positive that he has, he starts pushing the cart down the aisle before hooking a right. He grabs his shaving cream and a new set of razors. 

Jaiden points out the dog food as the pass by the section. “Duke?” he questions. 

Cal nods, grinning down at his son. “I got him a new bag last week. He’s covered.”

With a satisfied nod, Jaiden glances around the Target. Calum pauses at the produce. “Green apples or red ones?”

“Red, pwease.” With a hum, Calum finds a good bag and holds them to his son. Jai gives them a look over too before putting up his thumb. 

Grocery shopping is fun for them. Cal tries to get Jaiden to make choices about the foods, so he’s more inclined to eat the new stuff. It’s a challenge when it comes to vegetables. The staples like carrots, broccoli, and corn Jai will eat. But peas, cauliflower, and string beans have been a tug of war. Calum finally got brussel sprouts on the okay to eat list and he’s been working on that for a year now. 

Jaiden inspects the bag of brown rice. “What makes it brown?”

Calum pauses, twisting his lips up. “I don’t know actually. Let’s look it up,” he suggests pulling out his phone. Cal place a foot on the bottom rack, typing in the passcode to unlock his phone. He brings up the safari page and types in the question while speaking out loud. “What makes brown rice brown?”

Jai watches his father type deftly on the screen. “What it say?”

Calum scans over the results. “So, it looks like that with brown rice only the first layer is taken off. White rice has the first three layers peeled off when it’s collected and processed.”

Jai nods. Calum knows he doesn’t quite understand, so he attempts to explain it down further. But this leads Calum down a spiral that not even he knows not much about. “I’m sorry, bud. I’m probably confusing you even more.”

“It okay.” 

“Excuse, I’m sorry. I hate to be a bother,” a soft voice starts. Calum looks up to his left, a woman standing in the middle of the aisle. She grins. “Don’t mean to interrupt a very cute moment. I just need a grab a bag of rice too,” she laughs. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Calum rushes out.

“Brown or white?” Jaiden asks looking at the woman. 

She laughs. “What do you suggest? Looks like you like brown.”

Jaiden nods. “It my favorite.”

“Then I think I should go with brown, yeah?”

With a toothy grin and nod, Jaiden stretches to reach it. His fingers don’t quite reach, so Cal scoots it closer until he can grip it. He hands it over to the woman. “Thank you. Sorry again for interrupting,” she says. 

“No, I probably should’ve moved out of the way,” Calum says, a blush heating up his cheeks. “He asked what made brown rice brown and I got too invested answering the question.”

“That’s so sweet. Don’t worry; I heard the whole lecture. Would’ve said for a lot longer but I’m on a bit of a time crunch.” She starts pushing her basket away, still smiling at the two them as she walks. “I hope you’re little man was taking notes. It was a great lecture.” She turns back around, keeping on down the aisle. 

Calum watches the sway of her hips before he turns attention back to Jaiden. “What’s up next?” the little boy asks. 

Calum thinks for the first time in history, they’re going to make it through a Target run without making a detour through the toy aisle, considering how enamored Jaiden is with the alien keychain. But Calum remembers he needs to get another pillow, his is starting to go flat. Now he can go down towards bedding, which is right across from the toy section. Or he can sleep on a flat pillow for a couple more days until his mom takes Jai for the weekend. He’d rather not sleep on the flat pillow. However, the second Jaiden sees that toy section he’s going to beg to at least see what’s new. If he asks for a new toy, Calum’s not going to be able to say no. He can’t ever say no to his little boy. 

His neck is killing him. He refuses to go another night on that godforsaken pillow. With a sigh, he pushes the cart to bedding. If Jaiden asks for something, he’ll just have to say no. Calum can do that. Is it fun? No. But he can do it this time. Jaiden’s birthday is coming up soon. Patience is a virtue, or so that’s what he’s always been told and learned. “Can we look, Daddy?” Jaiden asks, craning to look at the toys. 

Calum glances over the plastic covered pillows, before he finds the one he’s looking for. “Only look, alright.”

Tossing the pillow into the full cart, Calum starts towards the toy aisle. Jaiden starts to get a little antsy so when Calum stops, he pulls the boy out the cart and holds him to his side. He likes being up high to see everything. Slowly, Calum walks them through the aisle. 

“We meet again,” comes with a laugh. Cal looks over to see the same woman before, the one on the rice aisle. “Can I pick your little boy’s brain about which water gun is better?” she asks. 

“I help!” Jaiden responds eagerly. “Can I?”

Calum nods, setting his son down. The lady approaches holding out two different kinds of water guns. She squats down to Jaiden’s level. “My nephew is little older than you, if I had to guess. And I’m trying to be the cool aunt, but I feel like I’m failing miserably. Which one you think is cooler?”

Jaiden purses his lips, looking between the two toys in front of him. The green and blue one is big and cool. But the white and green one has the little pump to it. “This is hard,” he mutters to himself. Calum chuckles, hearing his son take choosing the right toy so seriously. 

“Take your time, sweetheart. Thanks for helping me,” the woman encourages. She looks up to Calum again. “Thanks, again.”

He nods, leaning into his cart. “Don’t worry about it.”

“This one,” Jaiden concludes tapping the one with pumping action. 

She grins down at Calum’s mini me. “Thanks so much. You’re a rockstar, you know that? Got me my rice and helped me pick out a toy. You’re dad should be really proud of you.”

“Thanks,” he blushes, walking back to his dad, wrapping his arms around Calum’s legs. Calum can’t resist the urge to pick up his son. A grunt falls over his lips. 

“You’re getting big,” he mutters to Jai, straightening out his t-shirt. 

“Have a great days you guys,” the woman smiles one last time before exiting the aisle. 

It takes Calum another ten minutes to get Jaiden satisfied with his tour of the toy section. As the check out, he piles his items onto the conveyor belt, glancing back to Jaiden, to make sure everything’s alright. The drive back home is filled with Calum singing, on and off key, and Jai in the backseat dancing, doing his grandma’s finger wag of a dance. Cal remembers seeing Jaiden do that dance for the first time after coming back home after a weekend away. He took a video, laughing and sent it to his mom. She replied with a smiley face. Of course she’d not say anything else. 

Home, Calum gets Jaiden inside with a couple bags of grocery. Jaiden follows his dad back outside. “I help, Daddy.”

“Head back inside. I’ll be done soon, Jai.”

He shakes his head. “No, I help. I’m strong.”

A sigh falls over his lips and then looks down to his son. Yeah, Calum could never deny him. He finds the lightest bag from the trunk and hands it over to the boy. “Wait for me before you go inside.” Jai nods, holding the bag of chips with both hands. Calum grabs a few more bags into his second hand and then nods as he starts towards the front door. Jai walks in front of his dad, putting his bag down next to all the other ones. 

Jaiden walks behind Calum, helping him unpack things until Duke distracts him asking for pets. Calum watches the two of them play around a grin lifting his cheeks. For all the craziness that has happened since Jaiden came into the world, watching him grow up is the best thing to ever happen. Calum moved back to Sydney after Jaiden was born and his mother walked away. He wanted to raise a family back at home anyway. But Jaiden’s mother thought staying in the States would be a good idea. Calum, not one for arguing, decided to give it a shot. But a year after Jaiden’s birth, she left. She wasn’t ready nor did she think she was fit to be a mother at that point in her life. 

Calum tried to talk her, get her to realize that like no one’s really ready to be a parent, but the only thing they can do is give it their best. She was convinced it would be best for the both of them if she left. Calum cried to his mother. He had never imagined his child being motherless; how would he raise a kid as a single parent? Would Jaiden resent his mother? Would he ever think himself different and grow sad about it? How would Cal explain that his mother walked away and never called? She said she would but he knew that her promise to call was more for his sake than Jaiden’s. 

How would Calum explain that he never reached out to her because he didn’t want to hurt her further even though that means potential pain for him? How does Calum juggle caring for both feelings of the mother of his child and his child when they inherently conflict? “You okay, Daddy?”

Calum snaps from his daze, eyes focusing on the concern pulling at his son’s face. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure, buddy. Don’t worry. I was just thinking for a second.” Calum walks over, tussling at Jaiden’s hair. “What should Dad fix for lunch, huh?”

“Dinosaurs!” he exclaims, referring to the dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets. 

“Dino’s coming right up.”

The second Calum mentions a nap, Jaiden flees. Calum knows where he always goes, under the sheets of Cal’s bed. It’s where Jaiden goes to when he wants to avoid something or he’s scared. Many times when it storms, thunder booming outside, Jaiden will knock on his father’s door, tiny hands clutching his favorite blanket, blinking up at Calum with tears in his eyes. Calum always does the same thing, scoops his little boy up, shushing him with gentle back rubs. He settles into bed, Jaide pressing into his side, head resting on his chest. Jaiden falls asleep to his father’s voice singing in low hums to his favorite lullabies. 

Now Calum watches as Jaiden zips down the hallway, shouting no to nap time. “Jai you know you need a nap,” Calum calls out to the little boy. 

Here we go, Calum thinks to himself pushing away from the table. He slows his gait, giving Jaiden enough time to curl up under the sheets. “Now where has my son gone?” Cal says loudly into the house. “He was just as the dining room table. I make mention of a little thing called a nap.” Jaiden giggles; Calum can hear it as he closes in on his bedroom. “And Jaiden has run away. Oh what am I going to Grandma and Grandpa?” 

Calum closes in on the bed, kneeling on the floor. “Is my tamatāne...under the bed?” Calum looks under the bed. Jaiden giggles from under the sheets. Duke fights to under with the boy too. “Is he….in the closet?”

“No, I’m right here, Daddy!” Jaiden pulls down the covers to reveal himself. 

“Ah there he is!” Calum laughs, “A silly little bug, aren’t you? You still have to nap though.”

Pouting, Jaiden looks up with his blue eyes, wide and blinking slowly. “Can I sleep in your bed?”

“Yes, yes you can sleep in my bed. But no silly stuff, mister.”

Jaiden nods, settling his head on the new pillow. Duke settles in near his feet. Calum tucks the sheets in around him, brushing his hair back with his palm. “I love you,” he whispers. 

“Love you too, Daddy.”

Positive that Jaiden’s fast asleep, Calum slips up front. He’s phone has been lighting up with messages for a while now. But he didn’t want to talk about work until he was sure he’d have a big block of time. Tour’s starting up in the next six months. Jaiden should be enrolled into school by that point and it terrifies Calum that he has to leave for so long. But his mom doesn’t think taking Jaiden out on the road is a good idea. Not that Calum is angry at her logic. But he’s worried he’s going to miss so much. He’s worried Jaiden will never forgive for leaving him. He’s wondering if he can hire a teacher who has some experience nannying to go on the road with him. So he doesn’t have to miss so much of his son’s life. Some days that feels like wishful thinking, a dream that will never materialize. 

When Calum first became a single parent, the boys were very willing and understanding to take a break. They helped him immensely when he felt too embarrassed to go to his mother for the thousandth time over the same concern. All he’s known for the last three year is living everyday with Jaiden, waking up to him, carting him around on adventures and Duke’s walks. All he’s known are the play wrestle matches, and building rockets out of legos and singing to along to every Disney movie. The last few years have just been daily lessons at the kitchen table in Maori and in English. Can Calum give all that up? Can Calum subject Jaiden to the constant shuffling of tour?

Calum dials his mother’s number. He knows her stance on the issue; he just needs someone to talk to, someone to listen to his fears. “Hello?” she answers. 

“Hey, how are you?” he starts.

“I know that tone. Talk to me.”

“I can’t leave him.”

“Hey, it’s going to be okay. Jaiden’s going to be alright.”

“How do I bring that up to him? He’s going to want to come along. He’s never been away from me for that long.”

She listens; she hums, she waits. Waits for him to spill his guts, spill every ounce of fear in his flesh. She knows that it’s not that Calum doesn’t trust her, or is concerned about her ability to watch after Jaiden. He’s afraid about what the distance will do to his child. He’s afraid that Jaiden will get mad, afraid that he will start to question why Dad left and why Mom’s not around. Calum’s terrified that Jaiden will compare him to his absent mother. 

It ultimately has to happen. Calum has to leave Jaiden. They have spent the months leading up to this, talking about what it means that Calum’s leaving. That Grandma will be staying at the house with him, that he’ll be won’t be going to daycare anymore but school. The first few days of school are thankfully a smooth transition. The week before Calum leaves, his mother stays over to help transition. This what he’s been dreading, being absent. He’s never wanted to be absent. 

Leaving for that flight is the toughest part of the morning. Jaiden cries into Calum’s shoulder. “Please don’t go Daddy.”

“I’m so sorry, buddy. I don’t want to leave you.”

“Take me with you.”

“You can’t miss school.”

“I don’t want to miss you, Daddy.”

That declaration breaks Calum’s heart; all the air presses out of his chest. The tears sting behind his eyes, hot and fast. He buries his face into Jaiden’s tiny shoulder, hugging his boy chest to his body. “I love you,” he whispers. “I love you so much. I’ll call everyday; I promise.” This is a promise he will not break. “When we come back here to play, Grandma’s going to bring you to the show.”

Security try to keep the schedule as best as possible. They don’t want to interrupt the tearful goodbye, but the boys need to get kicked in. So Calum place his boy on the ground, squatting in front of them. Calum’s mother stands behind her grandson; she didn’t think it’d be this hard. Calum wipes Jaiden’s face on the sleeve on his shirt. “Daddy’s going to be back real soon. Be a good boy for Grandma, okay, please? I’m only a phone call away.”

Jaiden steps into his father, hugging his neck. “I love you, Daddy,” he cries into Cal’s shoulder. 

“I love you, Jai. I love you so much.” 

As the boys walk through the airport, they notice fans lined up. Calum can’t stop to talk to them, still wiping tears and fighting the sobs in his chest. He risks a glance back through the glass doors and see his mother picking Jaiden up. He pauses, legs desperately wanting to turn him around and run back to his son, that’s his whole life gone from his fingertips. 

“Guess what, Daddy?” Jaiden shouts, settling down in front of the laptop. 

“Oh, look at you!” Cal coos, looking at his son. He’s shot up it feels like over night. “You’re getting so big.”

“Grandma’s going to measure me tomorrow!”

“Make sure to do it when I call. Now what did you want me to guess?”

Jaiden shakes his head. “No, you have to guess!”

“Hmm,” Calum thinks for a second. “You got recess today?”

“We get that everyday, Daddy.”

“Okay, uh, you kissed Grandma today?”

Jai rolls his eyes. “You’re bad at guessing.”

Laughter bubbles out of Calum. “Help your old man out. What happened?”

“I got a new teacher today!”

“He had a substitute,” his mother clarifies from the background, fingers working out peeling something just off screen. 

“Yeah, but she’s the lady that I helped pick out a toy!”

“Oh!” Calum remembers her. She was very sweet. “Is she nice?”

Jaiden nods. “Yeah, and she remembered me too! I like her a lot. I wish she was my real teacher.” They talk until dinner is made for Jaiden. Jaiden drops his head. “How much longer?”

“Soon, I’m coming back soon. Another month.”

“I miss you,” he finally admits looking back to the screen with his eyes swimming in tears. 

“Oh, Jai, bug, I’m always a phone call away. I miss you too. You should be getting something in the mail from me soon, okay?”

He nods. “Okay.”

“I know it’s the same as me coming back home. But it’s only a little bit longer.” When the call ends, Calum rests his head against the leather couch. Why did he have to be so far away when his child only wanted him close?

The last four weeks feel like the drag on, Calum counts the seconds until he can get back to his son. He loves playing shows to fans; he wishes when he crawled into bed, he had Jaiden’s knocking on the door to get in with him. He wishes he could kiss him on his forehead, tussle his hair. His body ache just to hug his little boy. What he wouldn’t do to hold his son?

As the plane lands, Calum fights to keep his knees from bouncing. He grabs his carry on and follows behind Luke out the plane. Fans are lined up and Calum takes a few pics until a voice cries out for him. “Daddy!”

He snaps his head in the sound of the voice. Jaiden waves behind the barrier. Calum rushes over, sliding his carry on bag over his head and drops it to the floor. He sinks to his knees in front of his little boy. “Jaiden, oh,” he cries, wrapping his arms around the boy. He’s grown so much over the course of the tour. He’s a good three inches taller. His face is still chubby, but it’s almost like Cal hasn’t seen him in years. 

Tears stream down his face. Calum doesn’t care; doesn’t move an inch to wipe them from his skin. Pulling back, he laughs, through watery vision and blinks to clear it. Cal runs a hand over Jaiden’s hair. “Cut your hair I see,” he laughs. “Matching me now?”

Jaiden nods, tussing Calum’s hair in return before hugging him again. Words are lost in this throat. He doesn’t know what to say now that his dad is back. Maybe words would make the moment less special. All Jaiden knows is that he’s so elated to have his Dad back. Calum stands, holding Jai in his arms. Calum signs for a couple more minutes, but says no to the pictures. He wants to get home as soon as possible and listen to all of Jaiden’s stories, catch up on all that’s he missed. 

Calum watches her shuffle back to the living room and plop onto the couch. One of the dogs, it's usually Tammy, the corgi mix that, climbs into her side on the couch and they watch cartoons. Calum walks in after her, settling into the cushions as well. "I gotta go to the library," Anahera mentions around a mouthful of waffle.

It's the second time this week. He knows there some sort of project for her literature class. "Should I hang out or just drop you off?"

"Just need to grab a book."

Calum nods, rubbing the top of Jake's head. He's a gentle giant and the eldest of the dogs. Anahera picked him out of the shelter. She was three, staring up at the big Great Dane with such adoration. Calum was terrified that he and Tammy wouldn't get along or Tammy would get hurt. But he was so gentle around Anahera that during the ride home with him, Calum figured he'd be the same way around other dogs.

With plates cleared, Anahera looks over to his father. His curls are now salted with some gray but are still mostly black. His smile lines have worn ever so slightly on his face. She sees her grandmother in his face. So much of her grandmother. "So, like, is dating completely off the table for you?"

Calum shakes his head, a sigh falling from his lips. "It's not your job to worry about me."

"I'm your kid. Of course, I worry about you."

"You don't have to worry."

"That doesn't answer my question, Dad."

It's not that Calum has actively given up on dating. He just hasn't actively tried to date anyone. It's hard. It's just been him and Anahera. It's just been him taking care of his kid. Her mother left. Some bullshit reason that it wasn't the baby that drove her away, she just needed time. But it's been a little over fourteen years since she's actually seen Anahera in person. So how much time she needed, Calum's not sure. "No one wants to date someone with a kid," Cal answers.

"So you've gone on dates?"

God, he really wishes she'd drop this. Dating is meaningless. No one ever sticks around. He's getting older and he's tired. His patience hardly exists for dating. He exhales, the sigh and pursed lips tell her not to push it. But she goes for it one last time. "I just want you happy. That's all."

"And do you think me unhappy right now?"

She's an idealist. She knows it. "No, but do you want to grow old with somebody?"

Calum wants to be truthful. He can see the hope burning behind her eyes, the way she consumes the rom-coms, the novels she reads. Calum wonders for a fleeting moment if she wants this. If Anahera so deeply desires him to find love, so there's not a hole missing. He knows Mali does what she can, but she's not her mother. "Do you miss your mum?" He's not really sure how to ask. He could try 'Do you wish you had your mum?' but that feels too direct and too cold-hearted.

On the one hand, how can she miss something she's never really had. But on the other, the ache, the hole left behind reminds her she can miss something she's never had. She can long for it. "I don't know if I miss her or just want someone to fill that void."

"I'm sorry," Calum whispers, pulling her into his side. Her curls tickle his nose, but he doesn't dare move as she clutches his shirt. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart." He curses his cynical heart. No matter how many times he tells her that he loves her, it's never quite the same as having a mother.

His mother urged him to find somebody, scared that without a mother Anahera would be troubled. But she too was not blind to the pain Calum had endured, so over the years, she dropped the subject. The pair was generally happy, Anahera knew her father was always there. She knew no matter what happened, Calum would never falter.

Calum didn't want to leave Anahera without a mother, but did that mean he had subjected himself to suffering? What the hell did he do here?

___

Calum doesn't push the library or schoolwork. After breakfast, she went to her room. Her music started up and not her usually pop favorites. It's heavy guitar and scornful cries and he knew not to push it. As morning rolls into early afternoon, he decides to see if she wants lunch. The music has since quieted when he reaches her door. Two soft knocks are all he dares try.

"Yeah?" Her voice floats in from the other side of the white door. Paws clicking on the hardwood floors also sound from the other side. It must be Jake. Tammy already at his feet. He hears the creak of her bed. This reminds him to look into a new bed frame for her. He waits until the door opens.

He gives a soft smile, noting her change from pjs. She's done that much, so things are looking good. "Hungry?"

"A little." A little, code for yes, she just hasn't gotten hungry enough to the point where she storms out of room to find food.

"Your favorite?"

She grins with a nod. "I can go for a Killer stromboli right now. Can I drive?"

Calum resists the urge to roll his eyes. Her permit is almost burning a hole in her wallet. "Later. In an empty parking lot."

"Pinky swear?"

Locking his pinky around her, he nods. "Pinky swear." She slides into shoes close to her door and grabs her wallet.

The car ride is almost deafening in the silence. Anahera messes with her phone, not even attempting to overtake the radio as usual. "Sorry," she whispers. "You hurt too. After all, that's happened."

"You hurt too. And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to create a situation like this for you."

"You didn't know she'd leave."

"But I never want you to think that I am purposefully putting you here. Or that I'm ignoring your concerns. It's just...difficult."

Difficult is an understatement. Calum's terrified and angry and tired. He can trust no one. No one ever. It's not lost on Calum that he could have whatever or whomever he wanted. It's not lost on him that even if he didn't want a relationship that he could have other things, but he doesn't want to set that example for Anahera. So he chooses to not deal with that part at all.

Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe he should still give it a go. But to be so vulnerable, to bear his entire soul requires too much. It will force him to deal with things rather than just burying them. Ignoring, burial, denial—it's so much easier when he's got a kid, two dogs, and a job. There's no room for dealing with the mess of his emotions.

Finding a seat at the local Italian restaurant is not difficult, however. Tucked away in a both, Calum knows Anahera will not need anytime to debate what she wants. The hostess that seats them warns that their server will be shortly. It's a couple of minutes before their waitress arrives and when she does, Anahera gaps. "Miss Bee?"

"Hey, Anahera. How are you? How's the project coming along?" Calum looks over her face and it takes a moment for it to register. It's the librarian. The one Ana always talks to her if she's at the desk.

"Good."

"A long way from those bookshelves," Calum teases. He's talked to her a couple of times. Bee is nice. He had no clue however that she worked outside the library.

"Got a kid in college. Tuition ain't cheap," she returns. "What can I get you guys?"

Anahera lists off her order. But Calum is too caught up in her previous statement. He had no clue she had a kid. Much less one in college. There's nothing to suggest it. Not wrinkle on her brown skin or a gray hair on her head. He can't even tell she's had a kid, not physically at least under the gray t-shirt and jeans. He hadn't put her anywhere near his age. He wonders if she's older.

"Dad!" Anahera's voice cuts through his thoughts. "God, hello. Earth to Dad."'

"I'm here. I promise."

"So will you be having the same as her or something different?" Bee asks with a grin tugging at her lips.

Calum rattles off his order. It's his standard order, the chicken Parmesan. She smiles with a nod. "I'll put that right in for you." When she turns, Calum watches. Anahera's talked about going to school. It's not the money that worries Calum. It's the how does she choose, how to apply, where should she be looking that worries Calum.

"God, if you were going to check out her butt at least do it discreetly."

Calum sputters, he wasn't even thinking about that. But his gaze does drop for half a second before he finally turns back to his daughter. "I wasn't even—"

"Yeah you were," she laughs. He sees so much of himself in her. The same nose, same smile. Her hair's dark too. Just a little bit straighter than his.

"Totally was not."

Bee returns with their waters and utensils, alerting them that their orders are already put in and will be done shortly. Then she's off again, tending to other tables. Anahera snaps her fingers. "Forgot to ask her if they even have that book. But I doubt that she would know right now at least." And before Calum can respond, she's back to her phone, pulling up some new video that she wants to show him.

He sits and watches, but wonders if Bee could give him any pointers. So after a moment, he excuses himself to the restroom. He finds her leaning against the bar. Maybe now's got a good time. Maybe he should wait. She turns, smiling. "Something wrong?"

"No, no." Calum shakes his head. "I just—I had a question. Anahera's a couple of years out from university. And that world is completely lost on me. I was wondering if you had any pointers."

"Uh, that really relies on what she wants to do, ya know? But there's plenty of great schools. Besides, Anahera's a bright girl. She'll get in anywhere."

Calum can't help the smile that overtakes his face. He's proud of her. He might not have enjoyed school, but he can see her passion for it. The way she lights up when he asks about what she's learned if it's anything she enjoys. Currently, she's taken a big liking to her physics class. She enjoys Literature too, mostly reading it though, not analyzing it. "Thank you," he grins.

"Of course. You're welcome. If it helps, I'll gather up some literature on overall good schools. Hand it off to her or something."

His hands shake just a little and he's glad there's tucked into the pockets of his pants. It's the way she says or something. Calum knows that small smirk, he knows the glint in her eyes. He would be all over it in his twenties. Hell in his twenties, it would've have been this sly. "How about over coffee?" He suggests.

"Sounds good to me," she pauses, here is where she would have used his name. But she doesn't know it, she realizes.

"Calum."

She grins. "Sounds good to me, Calum. I'm Bee. Really it's Brynna. But I like Bee."

They agree on a day during the week at a local shop and Calum returns to the table. Anahera wiggles her eyebrows, a teasing laugh falling from her lips. "Still got your game?"

"Never lost it," he snorts. Lunch goes by smoothly and Anahera finds her book easily in the library. Thanks to Bee making a quick call so it's already at the desk for her.

Calum pulls into the school's parking lot. It's completely empty and hands the keys over Anahera. "Ready?"

With a dazzling grin, she takes the keys. "Born ready."

___

As Calum enters the shop, he peels the shades up, into his hair. His boots make a soft click on the floor. He searches the room, waiting to spot black hair with caramel-colored highlights. She's not sitting so he finds an open table, facing the door and settles down. Calum's really not sure what happened in that restaurant, what overtook him to suggest this.

But his nerves are at a 10. What the hell is he even doing here? But as Bee walks in, eyes flickering over the shop. He remembers. It's not that he didn't think she was attractive, but he was also preoccupied. It was always about what did he have to do next, where he needed to go if Anahera was okay.

When Bee walks up to the table, Calum stands, noting the folder in her hand. "Thank you. For doing this for me."

"Never a problem." The conversation has a natural flow. As they wait in line, Calum asks about her kid to find out they're a freshman at university. A son, Terence, plays basketball. So she works two jobs to help with the commuting she does to his games when she can. She used to work the weekday dinner shifts. But started taking on the weekend shifts here and there. The father's in the picture, only for the kid. The best-case scenario for the two of them.

Bee hums, listening as Calum skirts around the fact that Anahera's mother is not in the picture. "Don't talk too much about yourself," she notes, sipping at the green tea still steaming in her cup.

"Never know what to say. And really not used to it."

"Even with all those songs, you write?" He stutters, the cup hitting the saucer with a sharp clank.  Bee laughs, tucking a curl back behind her ear. "I'm a librarian. I do my research. I will say. I took a listen to some songs. Quite enjoy Talk Fast. Granted, haven't step foot into a bar in nearly twenty-some years now."

"What are you saying then? Kind of hoping forever?"

She shakes her head. "More like I'll take what I can get from you. Besides, I ruin all my relationships. The only one I didn't fuck up was the one with my kid by a fucking miracle. I'm too old to play games."

Calum can feel his cheeks lifting as he shakes his head, starting down into the coffee cup. His fingers spin it around. He's twenty again, it feels. Except instead of it being exciting, his heart feels like it's in his stomach. He recognizes the feeling of nerves. They've never gone away even in all his years of performing on stage.

It's not like she's gonna run around and destroy his name. They're in the same boat. "How far away from here are you?" Calum asks, finally lifting his gaze. His stomach guts as he asks the question.

"Literally a seven-minute walk."

He's impressed that she knows the time. "You're a librarian," he laughs. "Didn't think that included timing things."

"It's a complex job. You've got to be a person of many talents."

"So let's test those talents. If you know it's a seven-minute walk, do you happen to know how long of a drive?"

"I'd guess a minute, minute and a half."

Calum pulls his keys from his pocket, sitting them on the counter. She's grinning behind the cup of tea. "Is that including the time it takes to finish the coffee and walk to my truck?"

"It's not. But I'm in no rush if you aren't."

He doesn't want to rush this. But he's also afraid if he draws this out too much longer, he'll find some sort of reason to chicken out. He only has a few sips left. So he polishes off his drink, putting the dishes up and by the time he turns around, hanging from the tips of her fingers are his keys, holding them out to him.

"Didn't want you to forget."

Calum plucks the folder off the table as well. "Trust me, I wasn't." As they start for the door, Bee rattles off the directions and true to her calculations it only takes a minute and a half to her place. It's a small condo. "I know. What am I do lighting a check on fire by renting? I wonder the same thing," she laughs stepping out of the trunk.

"I mean it makes sense. Just you and your son."

"And the cat, Jewels."

"And the cat, Jewels," Calum corrects, standing behind her as she unlocks the door. "More of a dog person."

"I'm aware." As the lights turn up, Calum sees the dark wood and teal decorating her living room. There are some metal pieces thrown in as well, giving way to a rustic modern look.

"Anahera talks about them a lot doesn't she?"

Bee steps into him, eyeing his chest. He suddenly worries that he hasn't made it to the gym in a couple of weeks. Everything is so much harder to maintain now. It takes twice as long to lose weight, but nearly no time to gain it. She pulls at something on his shirt, holding out an orange-colored strand of fur to Calum. "That gave it away."

He laughs, looking over the gray t-shirt and seeing Tammy's fur coating him. "My corgi mix. She wasn't happy with me as I left, so I gave her extra cuddles. Guess I didn't think to double-check for fur."

"Much better than my morning routine. Jewels sat on my face and decided 5 am was a great time to screech to the cat gods."

It's only as the silence settles that they both realize just how close they are to each other. At this distance, Calum notices the moles decorating her nose and cheeks and Bee notes a small scruff on his jaw. Her eyes have a few spots around the white. It's a crazy thing to note, but he only notes it because she hasn't quite met his gaze.

Bee sees that tattoos decorating his wrist and left arm. With a soft touch, she turns it over to read the word Alive inked across the top of his wrist. His right-hand finds her cheek, fingers brushing over the skin before his palm cups it. "It's crazy to think we're still alive," she breathes. "You'd think we'd give up by now."

"Got too much to live for, more so now than ever."

"Such a poet," she teases. He's a good head taller than her, so it takes a moment as she stretches up to brush her lips over his. His lips are bitter and hers are sweet. Calum thinks for a moment he should've grabbed a mint from his car, something because he knows the taste of coffee must be strong.

He gets caught up though on the way her fingers gently trace up his arm. As she pulls back, he pulls her in. His skin feels hot, electric as she touches him. It's been so long. Too long without a touch like this for him. He finds her waist, a little doughy beneath his grip and slides his arm around her. Bee buckles, knees, and legs quaking when he squeezes her.

"Okay?" He asks with a soft smile on his face, eyes not fully opened from their kiss.

She should be embarrassed. She should be downright mortified by her own body's reaction to just being held. But she be damned if she finds any amount of shame in it. She can't remember her own name at the moment, but all she wants is to mark his skin. Rather than answers verbally, she winds her arms around his neck and kisses down his jaw, and then up and over the small moles decorating his cheek.

As she kisses down he throat, taking just a small lick at his Adam's apple, she feels the deep shake as Calum groans. It's deep from his throat. She wants to hear it again and bites down just a little, nothing crazy, just a tiny nibble at his skin and he groans again. "You like to tease I see," Calum huffs, breath coming out in tufts.

Holding her thumb and forefinger a few centimeters apart, she laughs. "Just a little bit." She takes a step backward and Calum follows closely behind.

Shoes are toed off. His shirt is shed first. She rakes his fingers down his chest, carefully tracing the tattoos on his chest. There's a tiny footprint that decorating the ends of a feather, or maybe some sort of plant. She's not sure. But she has a guess who's footprint it is. Close to his heart too.

Her kisses are light on his chest and Calum drops his head, holding himself above her. Bee knows he holds a lot inside him. A lot of love, but also a timid-ness and pain. She doesn't fault him.

Calum finally gets her shirt off, eyes dancing over the chest tattoo, reds, yellows, and purples dazzling against her skin. It's a bouquet of flowers, right in the center of her chest, some of the foliage spilling over to the swell of her breasts. He kisses over the ink, gently running his fingers over her stomach to the back of her bra. With his teeth, he pulls the straps down one at a time while his finger unlatches the clamps. "Never said you had ink too."

"Now tell me would it have made a difference?"

"Not in the slightest."

As the bra is discarded, he brings a nipple into his mouth, drinking in the sounds of her pleasure-filled whines. She hums before bringing his head up and kissing him again. They climb up higher onto the mattress. They wiggle themselves out of their jeans. Calum notices the stretch marks. More ink decorates her hip, he can see the black line work and two little footprints rest on top of right one.

"Guess I'm not the only one," Calum teases, tapping the tatted foot.

"No, it would appear not."

Bee watches him climb over her, the silver chains that tap his chest, the small streaks of gray decorating his black hair. His fingers dance over her hips before they brush over a thin tough line hidden by the band of her panties. Calum doesn't waste a moment to kiss down her stomach, over the tiny pouch left behind. As the thin cloth material is peeled away from her body, Bee wonders a moment if this is the end of the line, if the scar is too much.

Her stomach twists into knots, waiting for the pullback, the rushed and excused exit. Instead, Calum kisses over the scar and continues on fingers brushing over her core. But just a brush. "Who likes to tease now?" Bee huffs, holding herself up on her elbows.

"Still you," he laughs, squeezing at her thighs and trailing a finger up from the entrance to clit. Her head falls back and he takes his time, slipping two fingers into her heat. He kisses over her. Her fingers tangle into his hair, trying to urge him just an inch down on her.

He knows what she wants, but he takes her wrist, threading his fingers through hers and kisses down her inner thighs, slowly working her with those two fingers. She squeezes at his hand, that warmth in the pit of her stomach growing warmer. She mashes her lips together, whines falling over her throat anyway.

Finally, he brings his mouth to her core, sucking at her clit. "Fuck," she cries out. Her breathing is ragged. Calum wraps his arms around her legs, holding her still as she begins to squirm. There's a spark of pride to know he's still got it. That he hasn't lost his touch just yet.

He continues to work over her, sucking, licking, fingers a constant pull at her. She unravels rather quickly, thighs shaking just a little. But the cry of his name over her lips is more than just fuel to the fire. Calum kisses over her inner thighs, a groan falling over his lips. "God, my name sounds good from your lips."

Sitting up, Bee slides out from beneath him. Her chest falls rapidly. Her brain still feels foggy in the post-orgasm haze. But something about this—something about Calum, keeps her going. She pats the bed and Calum lays back, falling into space she once occupied. She slides a hand over his cock through the boxer briefs. "You know what will sound even better?" She quips.

"Tell me."

"My name from your lips." The end of the sentence is punctuated by her pulling down his own underwear. She wraps one hand around the base, licking a strip up to the head and sucking on it lightly.

Calum's whole body tenses, there's no hesitation on her part. Either. "Bee," he hums, reaching for her head. She moans, the vibrations shooting a tingle up his spine. She definitely knows what she's doing, working for another sound, working for another groan, another hum of her name.

She takes him as far as she can into her throat and holds it there, slowly twisting her hand that's wrapped around the rest. As she pulls back away from him there's a line of saliva from her mouth to his cock and the sight lights his gut on fire.

"Come here." His voice is low, demanding. All but a growl and Bee doesn't dare disobey. She keeps one hand on him, pumping as she stretches upwards and he cups her face. They share a searing kiss, exhales tickling over their faces, moans being swallowed.

The apartment was cool, a nice airy feel to it, but now the bedroom is thick with heat and sweat. Bee's a little shocked. She didn't think it would turn out like this. Didn't think she would be so hungry to please somebody. But even as they kiss, she wants him to be weak with pleasure. She wants him to cave to every carnal desire that plagues him.

Calum pulls her hand off him, kissing down her neck. "Thought you were too old to play games," he breathes into her ear.

"How dare?" The words fall with a tuft of laughter, but she pulls away, reaching into her bedside table. She finds a foil packet and opens it. "May I?"

"Be my guest."

Her touch is light as she rolls the latex down his length. Calum notes the snake tattoo on her left hip. The way her skin still glows and still has a rich warmth to the dark brown. The way her cheeks are still full, but the cheekbone and brow bone are strong. A small groan leaves him as she settles on his length.

They rest chest to chest as Bee rocks her hips. He kisses at her shoulder, arms wrapping around her waist. Soft sighs escape them. The room is nothing but an echo of their bodies. Her pace isn't slow, but methodical. She knows there's no rush. Calum leaves a reddening spot on her neck. He would apologize, but she works one onto his chest as well. So now they are even.

Bee feels that sting in her right hip, the pain of a tightening muscle and stills. A hiss leaving her lips. "Sorry. Just an old injury."

"No, no, don't apologize." An awkward shuffle ensues, Bee having to climb off and Calum kneeling next to her. He helps stretch out the muscle. "Our bodies aren't what they used to be. I get it," he utters in a soft tone.

"Let me guess. Football. And I'm not talking American either."

Calum nods. "Your guess would be correct."

"It's the slight accent you still have."

"Tell me more. Something else gave it away."

"Your physique. And it might've come up during my google search, but that's neither here nor there."

Calum releases a small laugh, palm still rubbing deep at her muscle. "So you're no psychic, just a good reader, huh?"

"What can I say? It's my job."

"You're very good at it from what I can see." Bee grabs his hands, mentioning for him to come down. He does so and she cups his face, kissing his soft lips. The kisses grow deeper, more desperate. Calum settles between her legs, thumbs caressing her right hip. "You okay now?"

She nods, lips brushing over his. "Yeah, I'm good." His necklaces are no longer cold, but as they brush over the valley between her breast, a shiver runs down her spine.

Calum is careful as he re-enters her, taking it slow. She holds onto his biceps and smiles, though a moan falls over her lips. Calum buries his face into her neck, hips a ready pace. "Feel like heaven," he whispers into the hickeys he's put there.

Bee can't help the giggle. "Never heard that one before." Calum huffs at her comment, the start of his own orgasm building. Grabbing the back of her thighs, he pushes her hips up just a little.

Her mouth falls open, a groan falling over her lips. "Shit, Calum."

"That's more like it." He leans back, thumb rubbing over her clit. One hand reaches out for him, holding onto his wrist, the other falls to the sheet, grabbing a tight fistful. Her second orgasm hits fast and she cries out, no real words in particular, just a deep guttural sound ripping over her throat. "Oh, what a beautiful sound," he encourages, still slowly circling her clit.

Her whole body shutters and Calum knows he's done for. He spills over into the condom. But bends over to kiss over the column of her throat. The haze is heavier this time. It takes longer to reconnect to her head but she manages to direct Calum to the bathroom before rolling over to her side.

Finished with his business, Calum opens the door and right on the other side is a black cat. Bright green eyes staring up at him. "Nice to meet you Jewels," he greets. She meows and then continues on to the bedroom. It sounds a little aggressive, but he takes it in stride.

She enters the room first and Calum finds his boxers, watching the cat jump onto the bed and then climbing onto Bee's shoulder. "Yes, Jewels?" Another meow. "Uh-huh. But you weren't rude were you? Did you at least say hi." Another meow. "Good," she coos, holding out her arms. The cat leaps back down to the bed.

Bee gapes. "I don't get a hug, nothing." She sighs as Jewels saunters out of the room. "I feed you, you know. Me."

Calum laughs as she walks to the bathroom next. "This is why I'm more a dog person."

Spinning around, she levels a finger at him. "She does love me. She's just acting out because there is a strange man in the house."

"Should've greeted her at the door, huh? How rude of me."

"Nah, she's a little skittish and probably hid. Which is why she hasn't made herself known until now." Once Bee exits, Jewels comes back standing at the door. Calum only notices after pulling the t-shirt back over his body. Nothing is said. But he does squat down, holding a hand. He wonders if she'll come closer.

She looks at his hand then back to his face before sticking her paw out. He chuckles and Bee walks up behind her. "Oh, she's sassing you. Gotta watch out."

"This is her house. So it's okay."

Bee picks her up and walks into the room kissing her head. "We talked about this. No sassing guests, Jewels. Do you need anything? Water?"

Calum stands, with a shake of his head. "Thank you though." Bee nods. He finishes getting dressed. It's not awkward when he heads out. Though something is different. She does hand him her number.

"Call me. Doesn't have to be for sex. Just whatever."

He smiles softly at her leaning forward and kissing her cheek. As he walks back to his call, stares down at the numbers. Just whatever, he thinks. Could be about anything. Inside the truck, he programs her number into his phone and sends a quick text with his name.

___

When Anahera climbs into the truck after school, she immediately launches herself into a spill about a fight that happened at school. It didn't get worse, but it did disturb the lunch schedule. Which wasn't fun and made her ten minutes late to a class. Calum listens, nodding along, paying attention to traffic. "Do you know why the fight started?" He asks.

"No, I heard it was over some girl. But then someone else said it might've been a drug thing. I'm not really sure."

"Drugs?"

"It was two seniors fighting. I figured one of them might've owed the other."

He's not too pleased to know that if it were a drug issue that she's so close to it. But Calum also knows that the in life she'll be exposed to things like that. That he can't protect her from everything. "Is there anything—," Calum starts.

Anahera rolls her eyes. "I can't. No Dad. I don't do drugs. I hate the smell of weed anyway."

He nods, it's not a pleasant smell. "I'm not asking to punish you. Just curious. Because if you did, I'd rather you be smart about where you're getting it from."

She laughs. "Making sure I do it legally."

"Well, yeah. Or at least with people you're safe around."

"I appreciate that. But sometimes I wonder why you don't freak out."

"If I panicked over everything, you'd never tell me anything. You're okay to tell me things. You should feel safe around me."

"I do. What I don't feel safe around is this Lit essay."

Calum laughs. "You've got it, sweetheart. You're smart."

"Can you read over it? I just feel like I have a bunch of word vomit on the page and it's not making any sense."

"Sure thing." As they pull into the driveway, Calum takes her backpack, slinging it over his shoulder. Anahera grabs her jacket and closes the door behind her. She watches a mark, dark on the small sliver of skin that's exposed due to the pull of her bag, but thinks nothing of it.

Calum looks over what he has in the fridge, trying to put together what to make for dinner while she prints off her essay. He knows he wasn't a good student, but he does what he can to help her out. Luke usually gets the math-related questions though those are rare. He takes the Lit stuff.

Calum lets the dogs out and Anahera comes back with her essay. It's only three pages right now and she brought the prompt along with her. He stands in the backyard, reading and pacing. Anahera watches him from the steps of the deck. She looks at that dark spot again and it's clear it's something new. Her eyes widen and she jumps up. "Is that a hickey?"

Calum looks down his heart racing. "What? No!"

Hooking her finger into the seam of the neck, she pulls it back. "That's totally a hickey and you have multiple!"

"How do you even know what a hickey is?" He counters. He feels like a teenager again, caught by their parent. This time he is the parent. "What a second? I'm the parent! Why does it matter?"

"Since when did you get a girlfriend?"

"She's—she's just a friend!"

"That's one heck of a friend, then." Truth be told, she's a little giddy. Maybe her dad's finally getting back out there into the dating world. It's one hell of a way to jump back into the pool. But who is she to judge that. "Do I know them?"

Calum turns back to the essay. He's trying not to give it away. He knows she'll figure it out. "Wait!" She exclaims. "It's not Miss Bee is it?" Calum can feel his cheeks growing hot. He stares harder at the paper in his hand. "Oh my god! Dad! I like Miss Bee! No!"

"She just helped me with some university stuff for you in the future."

"Dad, I'm not even done with my sophomore year. I still have like a year and a half left."

"I just wanted to be prepared, that's all. I didn't even graduate secondary. I have no clue what to do or where to be looking for you. I just asked her for some help."

"Oh and you got help alright, too," she mutters. When he lands a stern eyebrow raised at her she apologizes.

"Apology accepted. But no, she agreed to put together some information for me and we talked over coffee."

Anahera sees the small grin that overtakes his face. She holds her hands up in surrender. "If things go poorly, I just don't want her to hate me for it. I still need to get into university, Dad. Miss Bee is literally the only librarian that goes like out of her way to help us at the public library. She knows that place like the back of her hand and she has connections. I need her. Don't blow this, Dad."

"Oh, c'mon. Have a little faith in me."

"She's not even your girlfriend. You called her a friend. You're rusty!"

An incredulous tuft of laughter falls from him. "What do you know about being rusty? You haven't dated anyone that I'm aware of."

"Did you get her number? Please tell me you got at least that."

"As a matter of fact, she gave it to me."

"Did you text her? How long has it been?"

Okay, now he can admit he is rusty about that. After he left Bee's he went into the studio until it was time to Anahera from school. "Phone's inside," he says quietly. Ana screeches and runs inside. She finds his phone right where it usually is, right under the key rack. She looks over the notifications and sees Bee. The last message was at 10:42 AM. Oh my god, she chants to herself. They had to have met soon after she got on the bus.

She knows his passcode; he gave it in case of emergencies. He has her passcode too. Calum never goes through her phone. Doesn't even think to touch it in all honestly unless she's left it behind and only then does he grab it to pass it along. "Dad! It's nearly 4. Please text her back."

"What did she say?"

"I'm not reading your messages. What if I read something too impure for my virgin eyes? You'll have scarred your precious daughter for life."

Calum sighs, handing her the essay and taking his phone. He reads over the text message. "She just said she hoped my day goes well."

"Dude! You still have to reply. Say thanks at least."

"I know that."

"I'll leave you to that." Stepping inside, Jake right at her side , she watches through the back door as he types away at his screen.

“Please. I’m sorry, baby girl. Should’ve set an alarm on my phone.”

“It’s alright, Dad. I lost track of time too. I’ll call it in.”

“Love you. Thanks.”

“Of course. Love you too.” 

It still blows Calum’s mind that for the last fourteen years it’s been just Ariyana and him, and somehow he’s managed to do the whole Dad thing well. Ariyana isn’t his kid, an apparent fact when she stands next to him at the grocery stores when they go shopping together or when they go out to the movies, on the rare occasions that Ariyana doesn’t think Calum’s lame. Her much darker than his own, almost like her skin swallowed up the night sky. 

But he wouldn’t trade it in for the world. Even though it meant he lost one of his best friends along the way, complications post-birth seemed to just linger and linger on until they unfortunately claimed Ariyana’s mother, Jazmyne. But both her and Calum knew things were going south fast. They both knew that one day would be her last and when Jazymyne told Calum that no matter what happened to her, she wanted him to take care of her baby, he agreed without hesitation. Ari was close to a year old when her mother died, leaving Calum to the wilds of parenthood alone. 

He was there for everything before that. When Ariyana first kicked in the womb. When the doctors let visitors in, he was the first to hold her. He watched her crawl for the first time, attempting to keep up with Duke who was shockingly good with a baby. Maybe it was because they were kindred spirits. All he did was sleep and eat all day and Ariyana as a baby did the same. He has so many pictures of Ari and Duke at his place on the couch, fast asleep, when Jazmyne had doctor’s appointments or whenever she was just too physically tired to do much of anything. Calum always kept his doors opened. He loved, and still loves, Ariyana, so there was never a problem when he got to watch her for a couple hours. 

Ariyana had a game she liked to play, especially when she was being put down for a nap, where when she finally could support her upper half, she would hide her face in Calum’s chest and then push up. He would kiss her forehead or cheek and she’d giggle before hiding her face again. It would go for ten minutes, a cycle of their version of peekaboo and kisses until sleep finally overtook her right there on his chest and Calum would be left, hearing the echo of her sweet giggle, the way only a baby can laugh, with one hand on her back, keeping her secure to his body.

Calum feels the tears filling his lower lashes and tries not to think too much about how much Ariyana has grown up since then. How at almost 25, he became a dad to the sweetest kid in the world. And it might not have been under circumstances that he would’ve liked, or ones that he would’ve expected, but he couldn’t deny the blessing Ariyana was in his life. So how much complaining could Calum really do?

Turning the corner onto the block, Calum can see Ariyana and Elizabeth standing on the front porch, huddled together. And almost, as the sounds of his tires rolling over of the street, are fire, they jump apart. Elizabeth falls into the swing and starts rocking as if she were doing it the entire time. Calum knows. He suspected it long before when suddenly Ari talked about Elizabeth all the time. They stayed after school a lot, on homework as the excuse. But Calum never pushed it. 

Instead, Calum parks. He opens his door just as the front door opens and Elizabeth’s mom steps out waving. “Thank you again, Jodie,” Calum calls out as he stands behind the opened driver side door. 

“Anytime. You know Ariyana’s welcome over literally whenever. Maybe next week, girls, we can do that candle thing I was showing you guys.”

“Mom,” Elizabeth groans. 

“What? It looks fun,” Jodie defends. It’s easy to see the relation between the two of them. Elizabeth getting her mother’s dark and wild curls. “You guys said you wanted something to do the next time you hung out? I figured what’s to lose by learning how to make candles?”

“Yeah, but they’re in those elementary school milk cartons.”

Jodie shakes her head. Her gaze lands on Calum and they both share a knowing look before Jodie turns back to Elizabeth, hands up and palms out. “Well, think about it then. Maybe we can find some other craft. Doesn’t have to be candles.”

Both girls are glancing at each other, communicating something and Calum has a good idea what it is. But with a small wave and smile, Ariyana steps down from the porch and over to the passenger side of Calum’s SUV. They both climb inside, doors closing at the same time. “Pizza should be done by the time we get there,” Ari says, sliding the seatbelt across her. 

“Cool. Tomorrow, I’ll cook.”

“You mean, tomorrow you’ll attempt to cook but I’ll have a take out place on standby.”

“My cooking’s gotten better over the years.”

“I’ll give you that,” she laughs. Then falls silent, mostly car rides are full of her talking about her day, asking questions, making terrible puns about the street names. But now, she fiddles with her phone, staring out of the window as the world passes by them. And she questions for a brief moment if they are passing the world by. Because it feels like it, as she sits next to her dad. 

Ariyana knows about her mother dying, she knows about Calum adopting her because of her mother’s wishes. She’s grateful for it. She can’t imagine what her life would be like if it weren’t for Calum, if she wound up with someone else, if she wound up with her grandmother, who lived back in the South. Calum never kept her family out of her life, but it’s always a question that plagues her. What would her life be like if things had been different? What would she be like if her grandmother took her in? Would her grandmother dress her up every Sunday like she did to her mother? Would she be eating oatmeal in the mornings with bacon on the side and just on the other side of the kitchen table a Bible would sit? 

She’s not sure why her mother didn’t leave her to her grandmother. Though she’s asked Calum several times, he never really answers it. Her grandmother never treated her badly. When she spent the summers at her house, running through the neighborhood with the other kids, and they scrambled to be inside doors or on porch steps as the streetlights came on, her grandmother would always be waiting, hands on her hips, with a shake of her head. ‘Cutting it close, like you gunnin for trouble,’ her grandmother would always say. 

But on the table would be her plate for dinner. Her aunts and uncle would always hook her up with the latest sneakers. Ariyana learned how to walk not to put creases in her shoes. She spent many nights sitting in her mother’s childhood room, cleaning sneakers with toothbrushes. She stared up at peeling wallpaper, feeling the soft pressure of reassuring hands on her shoulders. No one else would be in the room with her. 

And Calum never sheltered her from any of that. He took really good care of her and she never felt like she couldn’t tell him anything. She never felt like there was a disconnect. Until now. Because in her soul, deep in her gut, she knows that she wouldn’t have to worry about this with her mother. Her mother would just get her. There was nothing else in the world besides a mother’s love. Or maybe Ariyana just yearned for her mother right now that it made it seem like that. Maybe all she wants right now is that soothing touch, like when Grandma’s worn leathery palms would cup her cheeks and every ache was soothed. Every worry was squashed in just one touch. 

“I’ll be right back. Don’t drive away now,” Calum teases, sliding out of the truck. 

Ariyana finally notices that they’re pulled up right in front of the doors of the pizza shop. She nods, glancing over to Calum. Does he know? Is he going to flip? She hopes he wouldn’t. Ariyana hopes that the track record of telling Calum major news proves accurate for future reactions. Like shockingly, he didn’t flip a lid when she was near failing trig. Mostly because she was too busy passing notes to Elizabeth. But she covered that up by saying the teacher just taught it in a confusing manner and Calum asked her if she wanted a tutor. That was all. He encouraged her that she could always try the subject again in the summer or maybe again once school started, but he didn’t give her a spill about how failing classes would never get her into college, or never help her make a living in the world. 

But almost failing trig and having to tell him this, the truth, admitting that even she’s not sure about the label--that could never compare. 

The car door opens and Calum slides the pizza onto the floor to keep it safe. Just as he gets into the driver seat, Ariyana speaks. “Can we go visit Mom? Like after dinner or whenever it really works?”

Calum nods. “We can go right now if you want. I have blankets in the back. Make it a picnic.”

“Those are the dogs blankets but sure, they’ll suffice.”

“Hey, now, the dogs don’t complain about those nice soft blankets.” He says it on the shot to make her laugh. He can tell something in weighing on her mind. That’s not his Ariyana but sometimes things are just hard to express verbally. He gets that. 

“They lack the ability too. So…” she laughs, watching as Calum makes a dramatic show of rolling his eyes and sighing. 

The smell of cheese and marinara sauce fills the car. There’s not even the radio playing. Calum lets her have control most of the time. According to her, all he ever plays are the throwback jams. Though occasionally in her shuffle she slips in one of the songs he’s mentioned or played before. She only puts the ‘good ones’ on though, her exact phrasing when Calum brought it up once. 

Upon arriving at the cemetery, Calum pauses, watching Ariyana slip out of the car. She skirts around to the trunk, pulling out the blankets. “Trunk water?” she asks, referring the case of water Calum keeps in the trunk. Mostly for emergencies and because he’s had a case always on hand. 

“I got it,” Calum returns as he grabs the pizza. He wants to ask if everything is okay. If there’s anything he needs to do, or anything she wants him to do, but he’s not sure if the question warrants verbalization. Something is not okay. Something is going on. Though he doesn’t want to push her at the same time. 

Walking over the grass, Calum doesn’t even take note of the headstones that lead their way. Most of the time he does. Most of the time he hates coming here. He never really thought he would’ve griefed a major loss in his twenties. He didn’t think life would be that cruel to him. Yet it had. Yet, he buried her six feet deep, let the oak be a barrier between her flesh and whatever creatures lived in the dirt. But this whole row, the plot they had to pick out together while Ariyana was still much too young, still a babbling baby on one of their hips. Calum can’t remember anymore the specifics. 

This whole trek though shows him he’s not alone. Many others have had those same feelings. Many others have cried a flood of tears before him and he can only hope those that cry for him don’t feel too burdened. He hopes that they know his life began and had to end too. It’s at the plot as Ariyana starts to unfold the blanket that Calum wonders if she wants to go to stay with her grandmother. Before she spent a lot of summers there because Calum had to go for a tour, but even during her Christmas breaks, she asked to go more often. Because he has to leave during the school year too sometimes, Ariyana stays with Luke’s wife and their kids. It works out, never find the fact that they have to make it work. 

“Do you want to live with your grandmother, Ari?”

Ariyana looks over to Calum, her brows pulled in together in confusion. “Did you nap so hard, Dad, that you lost your marbles? I love Grandma Gigi. But no, I don’t want to live with her.”

“I just--you’ve been quiet. Like something’s wrong. And I didn’t--I didn’t want you thinking that you couldn’t talk to me about whatever it is that’s going on. I know it’s not easy when I have to travel so many months at a time. But like, if you wanted something more stable, I don’t fault you. I wouldn’t be mad.”

Their blankets are straightened out and Ariyana places her arms under the boxes. “It’s crazy, yeah. But let’s be real. I have like four rooms at this point, one at every uncle’s house. Birthdays are like, insane when we all get together to have a party. And I like it, just us. Besides you don’t flip like Grandma Gigi about curfew. Though her cooking is better.” She sees Calum’s faux offense and quickly adds on, “But I do love you. You taught me how to ride a bike. You’re there to help me study when I can’t decode Shakespeare. You paid for me to learn how to fail at tap dancing.”

“You were getting better, sweetheart.”

“I was awful, Dad. And you taught me how to play football and helped me make junior varsity. There’s no one else that could’ve done all that.”

“You were an easy baby. A difficult teen. But an easy baby.”

“I won’t take offense at you calling me difficult. For now. It might come back up in other later arguments.”

Calum laughs, nodding his head towards the ground. “Believe me, I expect it.”

They finally sit, the pizza still warm as they take their first bites. Ariyana really asked to come out here because maybe she could tell Calum without actually having to say it. Maybe her mother would give her strength even beyond the grave. It would be like, coming out to both the people she cared about the most, at the same time. She wouldn’t have to do this over, and over, and over. Except her uncles of course. 

Grandma Gigi is going to be a whole other battle. That will have to be a battle she’ll have to fight when it comes up. Right now, she has to tell Calum. With nothing but crust in her fingers, she looks over to Calum. “Dad,” she starts. She’s never called him anything other than that, though she knows he’s not her biological father. She’s never known him as anything other than that. She’s never known him as anyone that would freak, or stop loving her, or shun her for anything. 

“What’s up, baby girl?” If Ariyana doesn’t want to move in with her grandmother, Calum’s at a loss. He just wants her to be happy. And healthy, of course, too. But seeing her torn up like this makes his gut constrict. He’s only been able to stomach one slice thus far. 

“Have you ever known you were different? Not like you suspected or you were guessing. But you just knew.”

It clicks. Like the switch of a light being turned on, Calum gets it. He exhales, reaching for another slice of pizza. “Well,” he starts, holding the slice on his fingers as he chews over the right words. He stares down at Jazmyne’s headstone. What do I tell her? You’d be so much better at this. He doesn’t want to start out with the ‘whole everyone’s different’ thing. It feels contrived, like he’s trying to weigh his own struggles against hers. All he wants to do, at a moment like this, is let her know he’s listening. He’s picking up the clues. “There’s nothing wrong with different, ya know? Different is good.”

“You don’t think different is like, wrong? Like, there’s a ‘normal’ that everyone’s used too. And different is scary. But is it wrong, ya know?”

There’s no use in trying to beat around the bush anymore. Calum swallows down his bite of pizza resting it on the cardboard box on the side where none of the other slices rest. He looks over at her, as she picks at the dog fur coating her black jeans. “Who you love or find attractive isn’t wrong. It may be different from what others expect of you or what others deem is right. I don’t care who you love. I love different. I accept different. I respect different and that means I love you; I accept you. And it also means I respect you too.”

Almost like a popped balloon Ariyana sighs. All the tension from her shoulders drop. “Was it that obvious?”

“I know when someone’s smitten when I see it.”

There’s a moment, where they both sit, watching the setting sun. Ari’s glad that it went well. That she doesn’t have to hide or fear anything. “You didn’t even let me say it, though,” she points out. “Like, I had this whole speech prepared and everything!”

Calum laughs. “Okay, let’s redo.”

“No, it’s too late now,” she huffs, holding her arms across her chest. Her laughter is bubbling in her chest and escapes her in tufts. “But, in all honesty, thanks. For understanding. I was kinda scared.”

Calum nods. “I understand. But I don’t want you to be afraid of telling me things. I’m always in your corner, Ariyana. Always and forever.”

“Thanks.”

“Of course.”

With empty boxes collected and the blankets folded back up, Ariyana looks down at her mother’s gravestone. “I hope you understand, Mom. Love you.” The car ride is DJ’ed, like usual, Ariyana’s playlist and things are easy again. 

It’s about a week later as Ariyana gathers her books from the dining room table for school, when she notices a tiny pride flag pinned to the front pouch of her backpack. She didn’t buy that. Not even in her venture to the mall with Elizabeth last Saturday and they stopped at a small kiosk that was selling a bunch of pins. Elizabeth bought one, if she remembered correctly. But not her. 

“Ready to go, Ari?”

“Dad, did I buy that pin?” she asks, pointing to her brown canvas bag. 

“If it’s too much, you don’t have to leave it there. But I know you’re into pins now.” That explains it. He bought and pinned it there. And if she knows anything, inside will be a bottle of orange juice and some candy, in case she needs the sugar boost during the day. She hates that he does it, but as of late, she’s needed then more and more. 

“When’s my doctor’s appointment again?”

“Tomorrow, Tuesday. 1:30. I’ll be there to get you before your lunch time.”

“I’m going to miss trig.”

“You mean you’re going to miss Elizabeth,” Calum corrects, shouldering the loaded up backpack. 

“No, I’m failing trig, not failing in my relationship.”

“Smart ass,” he laughs as they shuffle out of the door. “C’mon. You’ve got a test first period and you’re not being late as an excuse.”

“Oh, c’mon, Dad. It’s World History. I can ace it in my sleep.” 

It’s true, but still, he’s not going to risk it. Ariyana plays with her phone, mostly texting but Calum’s not shocked. When his stops in the parking lot, the buses are already lined up and unloading. Ariyana grabs her bag, but not before leaning across the console and kissing Calum on his cheek. “Love you.”

“Love you too. Kick ass on that test. Don’t be afraid to go to the nurse’s office or call me if you feel another dizzy spell, okay?”

“I won’t.”

“Tell Elizabeth I said hi, alright?” 

Ariyana can’t stop the smile as she shuts the door. The window already rolled down. “You love having that power, don’t you?”

Calum laughs, leaning forward into the steering wheel but not pressing down on the horn. “C’mon your pops has to have a little fun, ya know.” 

She rolls her eyes, wishing she could seriously be upset. But instead, all there is is elation. She calls out another ‘love you’ and then starts towards the front doors. Right on the curb is Elizabeth, waiting for her. Their embrace is quick and they shuffle inside, hand in hand. There’s a moment, where there’s a small pause, Ari showing off the pin and Calum can only grin watching them. “You’re probably already seeing this Jaz. But God, she’s growing up fast. Her first girlfriend. Like, fuck, I’m getting old. So old, but I hope you’re proud. I hope she’s everything you wanted in a daughter. I hope I’m doing you proud.”

Calum knows he’s been watching too long when the buses start to leave. But part of him is worried. Afraid that he’ll pull out of the parking lot and she’ll wind up in the nurse's office waiting for him to rush to get her. He’s worried that he’s going to pull off and when he comes back she’s going to graduate. It might be her second year in high school but it already feels like with every blink she keeps growing up. He can’t stop her. He can’t keep her as that babbling baby on his chest who’d laugh at the raspberries on her cheeks. 

It’s on the drive back home, when there’s no music, no laughing from his right. When it’s just him and the road and the breeze floating in that he feels something on his cheek. It’s warm for a quick moment, even tinkles, and then gone. It’s not a bug, not some stray piece of hair. It encompassed his whole cheek and he thinks it was Jazmyne, cupping his cheek, like she always did before she’d pinched his cheeks. It never failed to annoy him. 

A tear slips from his eye. At the last red light before turning into his neighborhood, he doesn’t stop the ones that overflow the waterlines of his eyes. “I know you’re there.”