#hfaoneshot

That strength was beginning to crumble; his resilience was breaking and sheer exhaustion was winning. One night felt heavier than most. Late hours were filled with more tears and questions than ever before. It was nearly one in the morning when Calum finally picked up his phone. He was hesitant; not wanting to wake Ashton or his family at such an hour, but with Declan in hysterics and Addie unable to sleep, he felt he couldn’t handle it alone. Not tonight. He swallowed his pride and dialed, it rang only once and he didn’t have to say anything more than a cracked hello before Ashton told him he’d be over in a minute. Living so close by lent truth to Ashton’s words but even a minute felt like a lifetime. It took all of the strength left in Calum to pick himself up off of the couch with Addie in his arms and Declan trailing him to get the door. An instant sense of relief washed through him when Ashton pushed his way through and began taking control of a situation Calum nearly felt helpless and hopeless in.

“Declan,” Ashton began, his stern fatherly voice taking hold. Usually it was reserved for when one of his flock ran a little too wild. But this time there was a presence of softness and understanding. “You need to go to bed.”

Declan, with tears still in his eyes and a staunch stubbornness innate within him, simply said no. It wasn’t funny; the nights of no’s and tears were heavy and becoming a problem. But the dry laugh that spilled out of Calum may have indicated otherwise. If it weren’t for the tilt of Ashton’s head at the simple word of defiance or the way his jaw went slack, laughter wouldn’t have been his first response. Calum could only watch the rest of the exchange as he gently bounced a stirring Addie, hoping it might lull her.

“No?” Ashton asked as he bent down, one knee hitting the tile floor and hands settling on his other leg. Declan stayed contrite in his answer with crossed arms. “Why?”

Declan merely shook his head and planted himself firmly at Calum’s side. A few minutes of bargaining and begging ensued, a small bribe and an eventual agreement got Declan’s hold off of Calum and scooped into Ashton’s arms instead. Calum felt a pang as Ashton walked off with Declan, a tightness in his chest that ached and wondered if he was doing the right thing; if he was doing right by his kids and handling everything well. Through the pain and doubt a small noise cut through, Addie’s giggle settling his worries as he looked at her in all of her innocence and love. She stared back at Calum, now more awake than ever, brown eyes big and small curls wild as another little laugh escaped her.

“What’s so funny, little lady?”

Calum wasn’t expecting her to answer and was startled when Ashton’s voice rang out instead. “He knocked out as soon as I turned the lights off.”

“Good,” Calum notes; unsure how Ashton even managed to get him so far as into bed. Most nights Calum couldn’t get him down the hallway and usually ended up with Declan restless in his bed for the night. “He’s overtired. Needs to get some sleep.”

“And so do you,” Ashton quipped with a raised eyebrow and gesture to hand Addie off to him.

Calum quickly shook his head and held her just a bit closer. “It’s okay, I can get her to sleep.”

“She’s wide awake and you’re half asleep on your feet.”

Calum considered that for a moment. Felt the weight of Addie in his tired arms, the weakness in his knees and the gentle sway of his body begging him to rest. He ran his fingers gently through her curls and gave her one last kiss before reluctantly letting Ashton take over. He wasn’t sure how he managed to bring himself to bed, always noting the absence of another on the left, or how he fell asleep when his life was spiraling out of control. But when morning came and the house was silent Calum realized he hadn’t slept so well in weeks. Panic cut through him when blurry numbers on the clock came into view. A blinking ten am stared back at him and prompted him to jump up and rush to the living room. He caught his breath and a subtle wind of confusion when he saw Luke on the couch, coddling Addie.

“Where’s Declan?” Calum asked abruptly and tacked on, “and Ashton?”

Luke turned to face Calum and then shot his eyes towards the front door. “Ash brought him to preschool. Said he was gonna get you some groceries after. Called me for backup with Addie. She had breakfast and helped me do the dishes.”

Calum relaxed. All the tension he had been holding inside began to ease at the help from his friends. The kitchen was cleaned from its once perilous state of dishes stacked in the sink and food cluttering the countertops. Calum sighed, shook his head and felt his heart drop. He hadn’t meant for their world to be spun so far into chaos. He had been trying to keep his head above water and his kids afloat for weeks. Last night they sank.

“I’m sorry,” Calum whispered as he joined Luke and Addie on the couch. “I’m sorry you guys got pulled into all of this. I should be doing better on my own.”

Luke scoffed, eyebrows knitting together and an incredulous look capturing his eyes. He shifted, moving to better face Calum and keep Addie comfortable in his hold. “You don’t have to go through this alone. You don’t have to be sorry for needing help. We love you and the kids, we’re gonna be here for you whether you like it or not.”

A dry laugh escaped Calum and an appreciative head nod followed.

“Besides, I don’t think I’m ever letting go of Addie,” Luke continued and gave her a small squeeze. “She’s mine now.”

Calum shook his head and reached his arms out. “Luke, give me my baby.”

Luke grinned then scrunched up his nose as he looked at the sleeping baby in his arms. “No, maybe later.”

Calum could only laugh at the exchange and found himself feeling much lighter by the time Ashton was walking through the door with bags of groceries in his grasp. When all was put away and Addie was put down for a proper nap—Luke being very reluctant to let go—Calum took a moment to express his appreciation.

“Thank you guys, for everything. I don’t—I don’t think I can do this alone.”

“You won’t have to,” Ashton reaffirmed Luke’s earlier sentiment. “We’ve got you. Why don’t you go get some extra rest. Mike’s gonna pick Declan up from school and bring him to dance practice—we’ll have a big family dinner tonight. You don’t have to do a thing.”

Calum nodded as he realized how much he missed the company of his friends and their families. That they truly were all one big family. His kids would always have him and the extra love of their extended family. He came back to the surface in a gentle float as he reminded himself he’d never have to go through anything alone—all he had to do was ask for help.

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After sucking in a deep breath Calum opened the back door and put a foot up in the car, let his gaze settle on his son who refused to meet his eyes.

“C’mon bud, it’s just for the morning. I’ll be right here the second school is over,” Calum tried once more.

Declan shook his head and refused to move. Calum didn’t want another fight.

“Addie doesn’t want me to go,” came Declan’s reply after a moment of silent refusal. His hand still gripped his sister’s as she stared blankly back at him. “I stay.”

Kids passed Calum in a rush to get to the playground.

“Look, all your friends are going to play. We can walk you down to the slides. You love the slides,” Calum attempted and felt a cut of relief when Declan finally turned to look at him with contemplative eyes. “Will you try for me? If you want to go home after you can.”

It was a bargaining chip Calum hoped Declan wouldn’t take him up on. He knew that if Declan got out there with his friends and found some semblance of normalcy it would be much easier than he anticipated. Declan hesitantly nodded his approval at the proposed plan and Calum unbuckled him from the car seat and helped him out and onto the gravel below. He stuck right to Calum as he rounded the car to get Addie out. With a baby in one arm and his son’s hand in his Calum slowly ventured down the hill to the playground. The teacher gave a cursory look as they passed but didn’t comment—probably just glad to see Declan headed towards the school.

Calum kept his eyes on Declan as they entered the yard and headed to the slides. His friends waved as they passed and Calum was relieved when Declan’s eyes skirted around the familiar faces and he timidly smiled. They made it to the slides with Declan’s hold on Calum’s hand loosening with each step. His interest was fleeting and Calum worried his bargain would wind up with Declan back in the car. But then Calum realized Declan was eyeing the other kids. His friends scattered the yard.

“Wanna go play with you friends, bud?” Calum asked and kneeled down with Addie slightly wiggling in his one arm hold.

“You promise you come back for me?” Declan asked with watery eyes and a pouty lip.

Calum nodded, feeling heartbreak for his children and all they would have to endure. He promised again, used his free arm to pull Declan into a hug and kissed the top of his head.

He couldn’t hold back the want to chase after them; thoughts of the slide and staying with his dad abandoned in a moment when his best friend waved from the jungle gym. And suddenly Calum was standing alone with Addie in his arms and a smile on his face but worry still sitting heavy in his heart. Getting Declan to school was only part of the battle, leaving for the morning was the rest of the war. Everything inside Calum wanted to stay, anxiety of his son needing him as soon as he left eating at him. He waited a minute, unable to move himself back up the hill until Addie caught his attention. She was waving at Declan.

“Bye,” she said in a small voice with wide eyes.

Calum laughed; knowing that was a sign to let Declan go. He held Addie a little closer as he ventured back up the hill; sneaking glances back at his son who was adjusting much quicker than anticipated. He stopped at the top of the hill, watched as Declan swung from the bars and found ease in being reunited with his friends. Calum knew it was good for him, a piece of his life was back in his hands.

“Guess it’s just you and me for the morning,” he said to Addie. “Don’t grow up and leave me too quick.”

“Say,” she said with a lisp on the s and dropped her head to his shoulder.

Addie didn’t know many words yet, but Calum was nearly certain that say was supposed to be stay; a promise from her and a request for him. He would never truly leave them.

***

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He couldn’t help but check on them, stopping first at Addie’s room, her door always open. He knew she was asleep due to the baby monitor he kept on him being silent but he still needed to see her; heart begging for his kids to be okay. When he found her sound asleep a ripple of emotion consumed Calum; he knew she was too young to understand and too young to remember when she was old enough to. For that he was almost grateful. But for the years of wonder and heart hurting curiosity of why she would have to endure he was torn to pieces. He sucked in a shaken breath and stumbled backwards, out of her room and across the hall. Declan’s door was closed as he usually liked it at night. Duke would be in with him; especially on a night where tears accompanied him to sleep. The old dog was protective in every sense. 

Calum slowly opened the door just enough to see in. The night light plugged into the wall at Declan’s bedside illuminated him in a soft blue glow. Calum held his breath as he took in the sight of his son. His curls were wilder than ever and Calum assumed he’d been tossing and turning too. Tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes broke Calum’s heart. He’d done his best to comfort his son, held him close, rocked him and tried to explain. Tried to get words that tasted like venom out between clenched teeth. He tried not to break his heart anymore than what it already was. Duke was curled into his side and only spared Calum a glance before nuzzling closer to the small boy.

Declan stirred and sat bolt upright in a split second, his voice was small and strained. “Dad?”

Calum moved into the room and bypassed the toddler bed rail to sit on the bed. Declan didn’t hesitate to climb into his lap, a fresh wave of tears becoming both of them. It was hard to breathe for Calum; chest gone tight and throat burning. He couldn’t get out any words to calm the three year old falling apart in his lap. All he could do was hold him tighter. Brush through his tangled curls and hum a tune that was familiar and usually soothing. Calum could tell Declan was trying to keep quiet, knowing Addie was sleeping and not wanting to wake her. He was only three years old and already super protective of his baby sister.

With his vulnerable and breaking son crying his heart out in his lap Calum’s eyes shut and memories took hold. He remembered the cries of Declan as a newborn; the tears that welled in his own eyes and the overwhelming happiness that came with the arrival of his first born. Calum was wrapped around Declan’s tiny finger as soon as he first saw him. He remembered the cries of Declan the first time he fell while learning to walk. He also remembered the tears that welled in Declan’s eyes when Addie was born; the joy of having a baby sister overwhelming the toddler to the point of tears of happiness. Even at two and three years old Declan was selfless and compassionate beyond his years.

Watching his son fall apart sent anger striking through Calum. It was a warm and fast spread of anguish laced with hostility. It had only been two days since the kids mother had left yet resentment was already building a home in Calum’s heart, built with tattered pieces of his trust and love and the life he was supposed to be able to give his children. He was mad beyond comprehension at her. But he knew he needed to let go of that anger in order to hold onto his kids; Declan needed him, he needed his dad to be the same for the changes that were already beginning in the home were too much to handle. Calum needed to be the constant.

“Is momma gonna come home?” Declan asked through the quiet sobs that wracked his small body. He asked that question for what felt like the millionth time in just two days. And again Calum found himself without an answer. Or, rather, an answer he wanted to shelter his son’s heart from—Calum knew it was already broken, he didn’t want to be responsible for any more damage.

So Calum didn’t answer. All he did was all that he could. He held him closer and tighter. He promised he was there. That he would always be there. He would never leave. It took hours to calm Declan back down, for the sobs to subside and the heartache to be drowned out by exhaustion. Getting him through the night was just one battle in the new world they faced. 

“Momma’s gone,” Declan whispered, voice worn and weary, against Calum’s chest and Calum knew those two words were a harsh reality that they were all going to have to get through; together.

When Declan finally gave in, his exhaustion winning out and closing his eyes for sleep, Calum carried him to his room. Tucked him into bed and silently went back to Addie’s room. She didn’t stir when Calum picked her up and only let out a small sigh when he held her close and brought her to his room, an extra crib in there for nights when she was too fussy and wanted to be close. Tonight, Calum wanted them both close. As a reminder for them that he was there for them. As a reminder that he still had them.

***

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