Just A Phone Call Away
Being a single father to a young child is never easy. And it hurts more when being a rockstar has to take Calum away from his little boy.
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“What do you have there, buddy?” Cal laughs, noticing his four year old, attempting to hold his hands behind his back. Calum can see it’s some kind of toy. He’s not even sure how Jaiden got his hands on it.
“Nofing,” he replies, trying to hide the small trinket he found sitting on a shelf.
“Jaiden, give it to Daddy,” Calum can feel the small smile on his face. The little boy is generally very sweet, but occasionally has his stubborn streak. Jaiden pouts, lower lip jutting out, before handing over the small green alien keychain. When Cal takes hold of the toy, he inspects it. The tag is still attached. It’s not something that what left behind someone else. “Where did you find this?”
Jaiden points to his left. Calum nods, knowing he paused at a rack near the jewelry after spotting some earrings he thought his mom might like. “Do you want it?” Cal asks.
“Yes, pwease, Daddy?” His son nods vigorously.
After double checking the price, Cal agrees, handing it back to his son. It’s only a few bucks. “Next time, please ask.”
“Okay.” Calum stares at his son, his black curls and chubby cheeks. A spitting image of himself, except for the eyes. They’re blue like his mother’s. Calum still has to fight the urge to send her a photo, call her, ask her why she’d abandon the sweetest boy he’s ever known. But he knows he shouldn’t do that. She left for a reason; she wasn’t ready, not like she thought she once was. Calum can’t fault that. Parenthood is not easy at all. He just wishes she stuck it out for Jaiden’s first word, the first wobbly run, the pleases’s and thank you’s that always fall so easily from his lips. That would change her mind, maybe. That would make her realize what she gave up on.
Jaiden kicks his feet a little, playing at the keychain before looking back up to his father. He smiles, showing all his teeth. Calum presses a soft kiss to his forehead, before rustling his hair. He hates this; Calum knows well enough. But sometimes Cal can’t help just a quick tussle of his curls. Jai likes to return the hair tussle when he can, their way of showing affection.
“Daddy, stop!” Jaiden cries, trying to dodge his father’s hand. The two of them laugh before Calum finally stops, double checking that he’s added the soap to the basket. Positive that he has, he starts pushing the cart down the aisle before hooking a right. He grabs his shaving cream and a new set of razors.
Jaiden points out the dog food as the pass by the section. “Duke?” he questions.
Cal nods, grinning down at his son. “I got him a new bag last week. He’s covered.”
With a satisfied nod, Jaiden glances around the Target. Calum pauses at the produce. “Green apples or red ones?”
“Red, pwease.” With a hum, Calum finds a good bag and holds them to his son. Jai gives them a look over too before putting up his thumb.
Grocery shopping is fun for them. Cal tries to get Jaiden to make choices about the foods, so he’s more inclined to eat the new stuff. It’s a challenge when it comes to vegetables. The staples like carrots, broccoli, and corn Jai will eat. But peas, cauliflower, and string beans have been a tug of war. Calum finally got brussel sprouts on the okay to eat list and he’s been working on that for a year now.
Jaiden inspects the bag of brown rice. “What makes it brown?”
Calum pauses, twisting his lips up. “I don’t know actually. Let’s look it up,” he suggests pulling out his phone. Cal place a foot on the bottom rack, typing in the passcode to unlock his phone. He brings up the safari page and types in the question while speaking out loud. “What makes brown rice brown?”
Jai watches his father type deftly on the screen. “What it say?”
Calum scans over the results. “So, it looks like that with brown rice only the first layer is taken off. White rice has the first three layers peeled off when it’s collected and processed.”
Jai nods. Calum knows he doesn’t quite understand, so he attempts to explain it down further. But this leads Calum down a spiral that not even he knows not much about. “I’m sorry, bud. I’m probably confusing you even more.”
“It okay.”
“Excuse, I’m sorry. I hate to be a bother,” a soft voice starts. Calum looks up to his left, a woman standing in the middle of the aisle. She grins. “Don’t mean to interrupt a very cute moment. I just need a grab a bag of rice too,” she laughs.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Calum rushes out.
“Brown or white?” Jaiden asks looking at the woman.
She laughs. “What do you suggest? Looks like you like brown.”
Jaiden nods. “It my favorite.”
“Then I think I should go with brown, yeah?”
With a toothy grin and nod, Jaiden stretches to reach it. His fingers don’t quite reach, so Cal scoots it closer until he can grip it. He hands it over to the woman. “Thank you. Sorry again for interrupting,” she says.
“No, I probably should’ve moved out of the way,” Calum says, a blush heating up his cheeks. “He asked what made brown rice brown and I got too invested answering the question.”
“That’s so sweet. Don’t worry; I heard the whole lecture. Would’ve said for a lot longer but I’m on a bit of a time crunch.” She starts pushing her basket away, still smiling at the two them as she walks. “I hope you’re little man was taking notes. It was a great lecture.” She turns back around, keeping on down the aisle.
Calum watches the sway of her hips before he turns attention back to Jaiden. “What’s up next?” the little boy asks.
Calum thinks for the first time in history, they’re going to make it through a Target run without making a detour through the toy aisle, considering how enamored Jaiden is with the alien keychain. But Calum remembers he needs to get another pillow, his is starting to go flat. Now he can go down towards bedding, which is right across from the toy section. Or he can sleep on a flat pillow for a couple more days until his mom takes Jai for the weekend. He’d rather not sleep on the flat pillow. However, the second Jaiden sees that toy section he’s going to beg to at least see what’s new. If he asks for a new toy, Calum’s not going to be able to say no. He can’t ever say no to his little boy.
His neck is killing him. He refuses to go another night on that godforsaken pillow. With a sigh, he pushes the cart to bedding. If Jaiden asks for something, he’ll just have to say no. Calum can do that. Is it fun? No. But he can do it this time. Jaiden’s birthday is coming up soon. Patience is a virtue, or so that’s what he’s always been told and learned. “Can we look, Daddy?” Jaiden asks, craning to look at the toys.
Calum glances over the plastic covered pillows, before he finds the one he’s looking for. “Only look, alright.”
Tossing the pillow into the full cart, Calum starts towards the toy aisle. Jaiden starts to get a little antsy so when Calum stops, he pulls the boy out the cart and holds him to his side. He likes being up high to see everything. Slowly, Calum walks them through the aisle.
“We meet again,” comes with a laugh. Cal looks over to see the same woman before, the one on the rice aisle. “Can I pick your little boy’s brain about which water gun is better?” she asks.
“I help!” Jaiden responds eagerly. “Can I?”
Calum nods, setting his son down. The lady approaches holding out two different kinds of water guns. She squats down to Jaiden’s level. “My nephew is little older than you, if I had to guess. And I’m trying to be the cool aunt, but I feel like I’m failing miserably. Which one you think is cooler?”
Jaiden purses his lips, looking between the two toys in front of him. The green and blue one is big and cool. But the white and green one has the little pump to it. “This is hard,” he mutters to himself. Calum chuckles, hearing his son take choosing the right toy so seriously.
“Take your time, sweetheart. Thanks for helping me,” the woman encourages. She looks up to Calum again. “Thanks, again.”
He nods, leaning into his cart. “Don’t worry about it.”
“This one,” Jaiden concludes tapping the one with pumping action.
She grins down at Calum’s mini me. “Thanks so much. You’re a rockstar, you know that? Got me my rice and helped me pick out a toy. You’re dad should be really proud of you.”
“Thanks,” he blushes, walking back to his dad, wrapping his arms around Calum’s legs. Calum can’t resist the urge to pick up his son. A grunt falls over his lips.
“You’re getting big,” he mutters to Jai, straightening out his t-shirt.
“Have a great days you guys,” the woman smiles one last time before exiting the aisle.
It takes Calum another ten minutes to get Jaiden satisfied with his tour of the toy section. As the check out, he piles his items onto the conveyor belt, glancing back to Jaiden, to make sure everything’s alright. The drive back home is filled with Calum singing, on and off key, and Jai in the backseat dancing, doing his grandma’s finger wag of a dance. Cal remembers seeing Jaiden do that dance for the first time after coming back home after a weekend away. He took a video, laughing and sent it to his mom. She replied with a smiley face. Of course she’d not say anything else.
Home, Calum gets Jaiden inside with a couple bags of grocery. Jaiden follows his dad back outside. “I help, Daddy.”
“Head back inside. I’ll be done soon, Jai.”
He shakes his head. “No, I help. I’m strong.”
A sigh falls over his lips and then looks down to his son. Yeah, Calum could never deny him. He finds the lightest bag from the trunk and hands it over to the boy. “Wait for me before you go inside.” Jai nods, holding the bag of chips with both hands. Calum grabs a few more bags into his second hand and then nods as he starts towards the front door. Jai walks in front of his dad, putting his bag down next to all the other ones.
Jaiden walks behind Calum, helping him unpack things until Duke distracts him asking for pets. Calum watches the two of them play around a grin lifting his cheeks. For all the craziness that has happened since Jaiden came into the world, watching him grow up is the best thing to ever happen. Calum moved back to Sydney after Jaiden was born and his mother walked away. He wanted to raise a family back at home anyway. But Jaiden’s mother thought staying in the States would be a good idea. Calum, not one for arguing, decided to give it a shot. But a year after Jaiden’s birth, she left. She wasn’t ready nor did she think she was fit to be a mother at that point in her life.
Calum tried to talk her, get her to realize that like no one’s really ready to be a parent, but the only thing they can do is give it their best. She was convinced it would be best for the both of them if she left. Calum cried to his mother. He had never imagined his child being motherless; how would he raise a kid as a single parent? Would Jaiden resent his mother? Would he ever think himself different and grow sad about it? How would Cal explain that his mother walked away and never called? She said she would but he knew that her promise to call was more for his sake than Jaiden’s.
How would Calum explain that he never reached out to her because he didn’t want to hurt her further even though that means potential pain for him? How does Calum juggle caring for both feelings of the mother of his child and his child when they inherently conflict? “You okay, Daddy?”
Calum snaps from his daze, eyes focusing on the concern pulling at his son’s face. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure, buddy. Don’t worry. I was just thinking for a second.” Calum walks over, tussling at Jaiden’s hair. “What should Dad fix for lunch, huh?”
“Dinosaurs!” he exclaims, referring to the dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.
“Dino’s coming right up.”
The second Calum mentions a nap, Jaiden flees. Calum knows where he always goes, under the sheets of Cal’s bed. It’s where Jaiden goes to when he wants to avoid something or he’s scared. Many times when it storms, thunder booming outside, Jaiden will knock on his father’s door, tiny hands clutching his favorite blanket, blinking up at Calum with tears in his eyes. Calum always does the same thing, scoops his little boy up, shushing him with gentle back rubs. He settles into bed, Jaide pressing into his side, head resting on his chest. Jaiden falls asleep to his father’s voice singing in low hums to his favorite lullabies.
Now Calum watches as Jaiden zips down the hallway, shouting no to nap time. “Jai you know you need a nap,” Calum calls out to the little boy.
Here we go, Calum thinks to himself pushing away from the table. He slows his gait, giving Jaiden enough time to curl up under the sheets. “Now where has my son gone?” Cal says loudly into the house. “He was just as the dining room table. I make mention of a little thing called a nap.” Jaiden giggles; Calum can hear it as he closes in on his bedroom. “And Jaiden has run away. Oh what am I going to Grandma and Grandpa?”
Calum closes in on the bed, kneeling on the floor. “Is my tamatāne...under the bed?” Calum looks under the bed. Jaiden giggles from under the sheets. Duke fights to under with the boy too. “Is he….in the closet?”
“No, I’m right here, Daddy!” Jaiden pulls down the covers to reveal himself.
“Ah there he is!” Calum laughs, “A silly little bug, aren’t you? You still have to nap though.”
Pouting, Jaiden looks up with his blue eyes, wide and blinking slowly. “Can I sleep in your bed?”
“Yes, yes you can sleep in my bed. But no silly stuff, mister.”
Jaiden nods, settling his head on the new pillow. Duke settles in near his feet. Calum tucks the sheets in around him, brushing his hair back with his palm. “I love you,” he whispers.
“Love you too, Daddy.”
Positive that Jaiden’s fast asleep, Calum slips up front. He’s phone has been lighting up with messages for a while now. But he didn’t want to talk about work until he was sure he’d have a big block of time. Tour’s starting up in the next six months. Jaiden should be enrolled into school by that point and it terrifies Calum that he has to leave for so long. But his mom doesn’t think taking Jaiden out on the road is a good idea. Not that Calum is angry at her logic. But he’s worried he’s going to miss so much. He’s worried Jaiden will never forgive for leaving him. He’s wondering if he can hire a teacher who has some experience nannying to go on the road with him. So he doesn’t have to miss so much of his son’s life. Some days that feels like wishful thinking, a dream that will never materialize.
When Calum first became a single parent, the boys were very willing and understanding to take a break. They helped him immensely when he felt too embarrassed to go to his mother for the thousandth time over the same concern. All he’s known for the last three year is living everyday with Jaiden, waking up to him, carting him around on adventures and Duke’s walks. All he’s known are the play wrestle matches, and building rockets out of legos and singing to along to every Disney movie. The last few years have just been daily lessons at the kitchen table in Maori and in English. Can Calum give all that up? Can Calum subject Jaiden to the constant shuffling of tour?
Calum dials his mother’s number. He knows her stance on the issue; he just needs someone to talk to, someone to listen to his fears. “Hello?” she answers.
“Hey, how are you?” he starts.
“I know that tone. Talk to me.”
“I can’t leave him.”
“Hey, it’s going to be okay. Jaiden’s going to be alright.”
“How do I bring that up to him? He’s going to want to come along. He’s never been away from me for that long.”
She listens; she hums, she waits. Waits for him to spill his guts, spill every ounce of fear in his flesh. She knows that it’s not that Calum doesn’t trust her, or is concerned about her ability to watch after Jaiden. He’s afraid about what the distance will do to his child. He’s afraid that Jaiden will get mad, afraid that he will start to question why Dad left and why Mom’s not around. Calum’s terrified that Jaiden will compare him to his absent mother.
It ultimately has to happen. Calum has to leave Jaiden. They have spent the months leading up to this, talking about what it means that Calum’s leaving. That Grandma will be staying at the house with him, that he’ll be won’t be going to daycare anymore but school. The first few days of school are thankfully a smooth transition. The week before Calum leaves, his mother stays over to help transition. This what he’s been dreading, being absent. He’s never wanted to be absent.
Leaving for that flight is the toughest part of the morning. Jaiden cries into Calum’s shoulder. “Please don’t go Daddy.”
“I’m so sorry, buddy. I don’t want to leave you.”
“Take me with you.”
“You can’t miss school.”
“I don’t want to miss you, Daddy.”
That declaration breaks Calum’s heart; all the air presses out of his chest. The tears sting behind his eyes, hot and fast. He buries his face into Jaiden’s tiny shoulder, hugging his boy chest to his body. “I love you,” he whispers. “I love you so much. I’ll call everyday; I promise.” This is a promise he will not break. “When we come back here to play, Grandma’s going to bring you to the show.”
Security try to keep the schedule as best as possible. They don’t want to interrupt the tearful goodbye, but the boys need to get kicked in. So Calum place his boy on the ground, squatting in front of them. Calum’s mother stands behind her grandson; she didn’t think it’d be this hard. Calum wipes Jaiden’s face on the sleeve on his shirt. “Daddy’s going to be back real soon. Be a good boy for Grandma, okay, please? I’m only a phone call away.”
Jaiden steps into his father, hugging his neck. “I love you, Daddy,” he cries into Cal’s shoulder.
“I love you, Jai. I love you so much.”
As the boys walk through the airport, they notice fans lined up. Calum can’t stop to talk to them, still wiping tears and fighting the sobs in his chest. He risks a glance back through the glass doors and see his mother picking Jaiden up. He pauses, legs desperately wanting to turn him around and run back to his son, that’s his whole life gone from his fingertips.
“Guess what, Daddy?” Jaiden shouts, settling down in front of the laptop.
“Oh, look at you!” Cal coos, looking at his son. He’s shot up it feels like over night. “You’re getting so big.”
“Grandma’s going to measure me tomorrow!”
“Make sure to do it when I call. Now what did you want me to guess?”
Jaiden shakes his head. “No, you have to guess!”
“Hmm,” Calum thinks for a second. “You got recess today?”
“We get that everyday, Daddy.”
“Okay, uh, you kissed Grandma today?”
Jai rolls his eyes. “You’re bad at guessing.”
Laughter bubbles out of Calum. “Help your old man out. What happened?”
“I got a new teacher today!”
“He had a substitute,” his mother clarifies from the background, fingers working out peeling something just off screen.
“Yeah, but she’s the lady that I helped pick out a toy!”
“Oh!” Calum remembers her. She was very sweet. “Is she nice?”
Jaiden nods. “Yeah, and she remembered me too! I like her a lot. I wish she was my real teacher.” They talk until dinner is made for Jaiden. Jaiden drops his head. “How much longer?”
“Soon, I’m coming back soon. Another month.”
“I miss you,” he finally admits looking back to the screen with his eyes swimming in tears.
“Oh, Jai, bug, I’m always a phone call away. I miss you too. You should be getting something in the mail from me soon, okay?”
He nods. “Okay.”
“I know it’s the same as me coming back home. But it’s only a little bit longer.” When the call ends, Calum rests his head against the leather couch. Why did he have to be so far away when his child only wanted him close?
The last four weeks feel like the drag on, Calum counts the seconds until he can get back to his son. He loves playing shows to fans; he wishes when he crawled into bed, he had Jaiden’s knocking on the door to get in with him. He wishes he could kiss him on his forehead, tussle his hair. His body ache just to hug his little boy. What he wouldn’t do to hold his son?
As the plane lands, Calum fights to keep his knees from bouncing. He grabs his carry on and follows behind Luke out the plane. Fans are lined up and Calum takes a few pics until a voice cries out for him. “Daddy!”
He snaps his head in the sound of the voice. Jaiden waves behind the barrier. Calum rushes over, sliding his carry on bag over his head and drops it to the floor. He sinks to his knees in front of his little boy. “Jaiden, oh,” he cries, wrapping his arms around the boy. He’s grown so much over the course of the tour. He’s a good three inches taller. His face is still chubby, but it’s almost like Cal hasn’t seen him in years.
Tears stream down his face. Calum doesn’t care; doesn’t move an inch to wipe them from his skin. Pulling back, he laughs, through watery vision and blinks to clear it. Cal runs a hand over Jaiden’s hair. “Cut your hair I see,” he laughs. “Matching me now?”
Jaiden nods, tussing Calum’s hair in return before hugging him again. Words are lost in this throat. He doesn’t know what to say now that his dad is back. Maybe words would make the moment less special. All Jaiden knows is that he’s so elated to have his Dad back. Calum stands, holding Jai in his arms. Calum signs for a couple more minutes, but says no to the pictures. He wants to get home as soon as possible and listen to all of Jaiden’s stories, catch up on all that’s he missed.
Jaiden smiles at the fans, waving, but mostly he buries himself into Calum’s neck and shoulder. He doesn’t care how long they stand in that airport. Because he’s dad is finally back, not on a screen, not a phone call away, but here in the flesh. He could stand in that airport for forever if it meant being back in Calum’s arms.
