#singleat30

I’ve been on an interesting path throughout my life, but the last few months life has hit me with some hard truths. Some truths I’d like to share with you.

 I’ve been relentlessly feeling restless to the point I have exhausted myself in reflection trying to figure out what it is I needed to do to fix it. 

First thing i noticed, I didn’t want to go to work anymore. I began to have a few glasses of wine just to avoid the thought of work. I started coming down with all these psychosomatic stress responses that developed into flu like symptoms and period pain that left me bed ridden for 8 hours just long enough to ensure I was absent from work. 

I realised this was not the first time I had experienced this sort of response to work. I’ve always been the Queen of “sickies” for as long as I can remember. I had always chosen jobs that had always landed me in familiar roles i had grown accustomed to.

As long as I can remember I have always played the role of “the Rescuer”, “the Mediator”, “the Counsellor” and it had somehow over taken every part of my life. Furthermore, these roles had  left me disempowered me which enabled me to play the role of “the victim” due to this silly idea of service and martyrdom which i had picked up in my childhood to survive the conflict within my family. I had all these roles down pat and I played them perfectly. I have always been a high achiever and I had received top marks til now. What I realised was I was sick of being me to the point I had experienced suicide ideation. But when I found it wasn’t actually me that I was sick of and discovered it was these roles that I had been playing did I start to feel empowered to do something about it. 

For years I felt trapped, blaming the people that I felt boxed me in. I felt anger that they had not given me the opportunity to change or be something else or someone else. I felt like a bonsai tree confined and unable to grow to my full potential. Something was holding me back! But what was it? Who was it? 

I quit my job. I knew I would find another one quickly when I was ready or hard up for cash whatever came first. I just needed some time to clear my mind and work out what made me happy and what could i do just for me and not for anyone else. Art! I enrolled into an art class on a Tuesday Morning. Great, this should move something inside me. A shift perhaps to lead me on my way. It didn’t. I had no choice but to return to the helping profession of Youth Work. Work i enjoyed but quickly realised I had lost my passion and spark for. I was tired of giving to clients, managers, my garden, my car, my house, my friends and relationships that simply did not appreciate my efforts and worst yet abused me for it. I was truly over it.

Secondly, my partner and i had always had an unhealthy relationship based on a strong friendship, mutual love of partying, shared experiences of irresponsible choices, addictions, dissapointing biological fathers and dreams of freedom living life on the road. We were a beautiful mess to onlookers but perfect for each other during this stage of our lives. We settled each other down and found stillness in our storm. I had always wanted to help him find his passions, his interests, his strengths and his purpose. I thought if I can help him become the man I believed he could be than we would be happy forever and always. The perfect happy family and we would be able to succeed together climbing any mountains hand in hand. I pushed and pushed and pushed and I worked really hard to support and encourage him to do and be his best after many broken hearts which slowly made my heart turn resentful. Too many lies had been discovered, too many secrets I had found out, I felt betrayed. I found strength in myself through my pure love for him though to keep trying again and again. Trying to forgive and trying to let go. But as soon as he behaved in any manner that triggered a past hurt the resentment in me would turn to rage and come gushing out like flood waters all over anyone who happened to be unfortunate enough to be there at the time. Creating an uncomfortable ambience to be in for our friends and family. To see me full of pain and to see him being humiliated like a child by his mother in front of his friends for his past mistakes was simply not fair on anyone. We had to let go of each other, we had to release, we had offer ourselves new possibilities, we had to forgive, we had to allow each other the space for future happiness. We loved each other enough to give one another that gift. We kissed goodbye through out tears.

Thirdly, I had been consumed by this aching, burning desire to run! To run as far away as I could. I know a typical flight/fight response to threat. Yes. The last time i could remember feeling happy was when i was travelling in Europe as a single girl all of the age of 21. Freedom and Independence. Where had mine gone? I realised no one was to blame, nothing was to blame but me. I had imprisoned myself in a place, in towns, in jobs, in relationships that only made me unhappy, where I struggled, where I felt trapped, helpless, where I self sabotaged. I was well aware I had experienced complex trauma at various times throughout my life but I had become so accustomed to those feelings I had unpacked my suitcases and started living there.