now that i’ve had time and space to view my depression in a detached manner, i’ve seen that i’m probably manic depressive. i feel like a small boat trapped in a moon driven pattern of waves. it’s not just the moods that sway and switch, it’s the wants, thoughts, thought process, emotions, i feel nauseously overwhelmed at the thought of trying to manage it all. i am going to look into health insurance again, see if i can find a proper therapist and have someone objectively to talk to. being the victim, the researcher, the therapist, the stenographer, the analyzer, every role involved all at once is a shit ton of work and while i am able to manage this, albeit slowly, i should not have to. “being able to endure something does not equal an obligation to withstand it.” and damn i could use the help honestly this shit is exhausting
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
did i say already that my avocado seed sprouted!! it grew like three times its original size but that’s still maybe just under an inch, he’s got a long way to go! i’ve been calling him Nando.
the propagated pothos are doing good, a few of the leaves are standing and facing the window, need to remember to give them extra water. E got a bag of potting soil but not a brand i’ve used before; it seems particularly dry. definitely going to make a point to stock up on the regular shtuff.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my trauma has become pervasive, but i have to tell it to hush -- often literally -- to my brain to hush enough for me to enjoy whatever leisurely activity i’m indulging in. then the manic stirs things around and i have so much going on in my brain that i end up with a tension headache. Dirty John: Betty Broderick is on, it’s a sad story. going to give that my full attention. her story, like everyone’s, is one to be learned from.
