Itās 9:15 in the morning, Iām drinking a self made latte with coconut milk, and wrapping up my final day in training in my new position.
Iām so sleepy. Mornings are still not suited to me, but I feel good. I am proud of myself, excited for this opportunity, and working so hard to dismantle the toxic behaviors and patterns in myself that rob me of goodness. Iām working to rewire my thought processes, pushing away frustration/anger/self-disappointment/defeatedness and taking time to clear my mind and try again. Itās helped push me a considerable distance in a short amount of time. Iām relieved to feel that Iām finally making progress. And though it initially saddened me, I am proud to have achieved this on my own.Ā
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I may have already written about reaching out to my dad from February - May and receiving no response. Deep down I couldnāt help but hope that once I graduated, became an adult, graduated with a degree, got my own place and a good job, that things would change. I hoped he would see me as an adult, as an equal, as someone to be proud. I thought his mistreatment was because I wasnāt good enough, driven enough, hadnāt achieved enough. But that isnāt true at all.Ā
He never let me quit anything. He enrolled my brother and me into karate, and I had to cry for over a year, and sob on the long drive to the final class before he let me quit karate. He berated me on the car ride over and it was only when my brother said he wanted to quit too, that he agreed. He belitted us as weak, quitters, lazy. We were pre-K. I would ask try something superficially -- watch a cheer tryout, enroll in track for a semester, whatever -- and when the activity didnāt suit me (racially degraded by a coach, an entire team encouraging me to try drugs and sex as a 14 year old, not being fit enough to run 6 miles in 100+ degree) and asked to try something else, I was met with absolutely not. Even if he was originally against the activity, he became obsessed with forcing me to continue even if it was dangerous, as a punishment for wanting something in the first place.Ā
In year 4, I tested into high school. I had never been more proud of myself. I wanted to go to Brown, Princeton, or Harvard. Study law and become a prosecutor. Put away the bad guys, protect the innocent, the broken, the tormented, me. I was set to go on Wednesdays to a special school that would integrate me into high school and fast track me to have my high school diploma by 13 and my collegiate degree by 17. I was a fucking prodigy, and I didnāt realize it until 15+ years later.
There was no celebration when the school told my dad the news. He literally didnāt mention it. He told me to have fun the first day I went and that was it. I felt so small, unworthy, and unimportant. No one cared that i had achieved so much. No one noted that I did this while being abused, neglected, and mistreated. Not one person took a moment to celebrate me. I convinced myself I didnāt deserve to be there, that if my family didnāt care, it wasnāt important enough to talk about. So it must not be important enough to do. I felt so insecure by the time I got off the bus at my new school that I shut down. I convinced myself if my parents didnāt care, it didnāt matter. I convinced myself I didnāt deserve to be there. The only thing I remember from that day at school, was using a plastic spork to push cold corn around and biting my cheeks to stop myself from crying. I went home in tears and said I didnāt want to go back. My dad said okay. It was the only time he let me quit anything without a fight. I know now it was because my intelligence intimidated him, my achievements made him feel like we were in competition, and he never let me forget for the next 20 years that I was a stupid, small, insignificant child no matter what I did, no matter how old I was; I was nothing.Ā
So now, I will make myself everything. I will build up the environment I deserved all along. I will do it alone, by myself, for myself, and I wonāt let anyone in who doesnāt deserve it.
I will make myself everything. I will do so unapologetically. I will forgive myself for carrying pain that I did not create nor was/am I responsible for. I will, I will, I will.Ā
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Today, after a handful of unsuccessful attempts, I achieved something I have always dreamed of.Ā
My avocado pit sprouted a lil root <3.
Maybe Iāll name her Dream.
