Remember when Vale and Mari were fighting (they're so similar to us, it's so cute) and Monica asked us if there was anything that could come between us, something the other one could do that would result in the destruction of our friendship. And we both thought about it and laughed and couldn't come up with a single thing, saying things like he could kill my dog and I'd be like oh, it's fine girl, I'm sure you had a good reason lol

Well as Nancy Baskin would say: "winner, winner, chicken dinner" bc I guess I figured that shit out! :/

First of all, I'm sorry I got into a weird funk after drug court and did nothing to get myself out of it. The story I ran with was that when I experienced all those tragic losses, my brain said, "girl, we're not doing all that, we gotta graduate mawma" and put all that grief in a chest and locked that bitch up for after I finished the program. I guess it was implied that I grieved after, but in reality, I never did. You did get to see more than a lot of people what Sam meant to me, but I genuinely feel that he was one of the very few people in the world that truly understood the entirety of who I am, who I felt like could see my soul and connected with it, loved me for being my authentic self, and celebrated and encouraged me to keep doing so despite anything. We had this unspoken connection that I felt was truly unique and I'm not sure how else to describe it other than say what we felt with Spencer X100 but across a 14 year span.

In truth, I never really grieved Alex or Sam (not other than attending his memorial which is the entirety of what my brain allowed me to do) or Daniel or my aunt or even what I felt like was losing Nolan who was my safe place at my parents house, where even now they're trying to pray the gay away and hope I still marry a woman one day. HA! Bc they look at me and feel love but they see through me, see sin, and feel disgust. That being said, I didn't realize how much holding onto grief could fuck so hard with my mind, and in turn, I'm sorry I let it affect how I treated you.

I know you said I have an explanation for everything, and I'm not trying to justify anything that I did (and maybe you don't care or it doesn't matter) but I did want you to at least have some sort of understanding of my behavior, actions, and intentions (even though some people say intention doesn't matter).

We have such a similar sense of humor, have these super compatible personalities that just wanna do fun stuff and talk shit and be stupid. But we're also SO different. I suppose the ultimate representation of sister signs.

For me, you know I think nothing is that deep unless someone's livelihood is involved (unless it's someone we both don't like then it's still not that deep lol). When you talked about principle with the package thing, I thought that's what I was getting at with the phone thing. In reality, I could care less what was in your phone, who you were talking to, what pictures you had, whatever it may be. But I was too fixated on my principle of you having access to mine and not the other way around and that was shitty of me. You were right, I could have just taken you out of mine, I just didn't care that much that you could get into it. I shouldn't have made such a big deal about it. The principle of boundary (yours) was valid and mine wasn’t. But after our cute little break, it made me realize: to hell with my own idea of principle, I just didn't want to lose you, yet another person that meant so much to me.

Once again, had the air tag thing been done to me I would have thought omg you lii psycho, laughed, and thought no more of it. But obviously you're not me and you'd established firm boundaries beforehand and I disregarded them. In actuality, I truly don't give a shit where you go (you're already going to Nampa all the time so does it really matter where else you go, what could get worse, right?!). That being said, that air tag doesn't' give like live updates or anything, it keeps track of where it is for like four hours after it's in proximity to the phone and then it stops (not that that changes anything but still). Probably the only time I'd ever check someone's location is to see how late they're gonna be to my fuckin movie. Well, and to see where Mari was last Sunday cuz she' was supposed to open the store with me (which she ended up not showing for, my 10am didn't show, and then Grace didn't show and I I was by myself LOL I told everyone sorry bitch we closed). But there were four tags, and I only needed two and Jay wanted me to give you one. Of course he thought it would be silly to pull a prank with it (which I low key figured you would hate) but I said sure bc in my mind, this could potentially keep me from losing you were something bad to happen. Turns out I lost you anyway (tongue emoji), but I was so over loss that if somehow knowing where you were via that tag had the potential to keep you alive, that was worth the cost of my friendship. Kinda does feel like you did die bc everything stopped so abruptly but what matters most to me is that you're alive and thriving. Regardless, that was still fucked of me. If you don't want anyone knowing where you are, it's your life, and just bc I was worried something crazy could happen to you doesn't make it right. That's my issue, not yours. For a while there, and I'd done this in the past just not to this extreme, but I would randomly just imagine a person I loved (including you) dying in some tragic way and I'd genuinely feel the pain of losing them in that moment. I know, I'm such a freak, but I kept doing that until I made the time to actually grieve Sam. When your phone alerted you of it, I wasn't about to unload all that onto you so I just said that Jay wanted to test the range on the thing cuz you'd go out to Nampa. And I didn't want to bring up some sad shit later on cuz ew but we also tryna play the mini crossword and Connections bitch!

Anyway, I'm not trying to convince you to change your mind. I wanted to say I'm sorry for choosing to do what I wanted (regardless of the reasoning) even after you made yourself clear about what you didn't want-even after it had already caused a rift with us in the past. I know you know how hard it is for me to empathize with people and how open of a book I am but that doesn't excuse the fact that I chose my fear & pride over your boundaries & privacy.

I've also recently come to learn that me not taking my pills consistently as they're instructed and staying up super late on a sedating pill and waking up super early taking Vyvanse, not taking them at same time every day, or maybe even being on them at all has really messed with my head, put me in weird moods, and made my body feel awful. I know this is a theme, but this doesn't excuse anything. It just sucks knowing you think I genuinely don't give a shit about what you've clearly expressed you don't want me doing. I got off subs (even though you know imma keep collecting that script lol). I feel so much better. Now, I'm just tryna have a good time.

Does it make me sad that I lost my (show watching, NYT gaming, river floating, movie going, tea spilling, escape rooming, BigMac inhaling, shit talking, straight boy seducing (and sometimes gay boy tag teaming), bottom lip only kissing, constant referencing, and calling each other bc driving) partner in crime?

Absolutamente! But I'm not gonna beg for our friendship back. At first I was hurt you didn't even want to talk to me about it and just cut off all ties. But maybe that's bc you didn't need to know all this bullshit I just made you read lol and just cuz you felt it's what you needed to do. It did sting realizing I was supposed to be cut off right after that package was delivered but once I sent you the pic of what you needed, it seemed like a let me use him this one last time and just let Haley know I'm worried about him bc you had to be done with me. I don't hold it against you. *Who knows, if it had been me, I might have done the same thing*. Meeting with Haley & Monica was really good for me. It was healing.

Yes, I would like to be back where we were last summer having the most fun ever, but I know Leos and their capacity to hold onto things. I just wanted you to know about the mental space I was in and hope you don't still think I was just continuing to do whatever I wanted. Would I love a little grace (ew not the black), and understanding? Of course. I'd never break any boundaries or violate your privacy again for ANY reason bc I'm back on that tryna have a good time juice! But if this is something you'll never be able to get past, then so be it. Here's my opportunity to practice acceptance, baby!

I know this was long and this last part may be cringe and sappy but I gotta stay true to myself:

When asked why I was so bothered about the end of the Grames era, (which some may say actually could qualify as iconic) and I'm not gonna talk about depression either bc also ew, but laughing with my bestie and making fun of the fats, blacks, and retards was like medicine to me-life's anti-depressant. When I was with James, I knew I’d be laughing and having a kiki, and all my worries would be gone.

While I want to watch Drag Race and Euphoria, play connections, make Old man noises at scary movies, and try to die floating, literally all I can ask of you and truly hope for is your forgiveness.

But also,

and I don't know what to do with myself.