confetti & solitary

There’s this all consuming joy within me now. Like my dahlia bulbs that I was so unsure would even germinate, so too has this divine happiness that I’d never dreamed of perceiving, and they’re both finally growing.

A few weeks ago, my mind started to heal.

And now my body has begun to heal as well.

A new age is coming. A new era arising. Things are starting to change for me, and I’ve never been more ready. Ive been cutting out all the toxicity in my life that I had previously tricked my brain into believing was just fierce loyalty.

I choose myself. And I am loving it.

No longer does that little ball of anxiety sit right beneath my abdomen. No longer does my head hurt or feel foggy. I have energy, I feel motivated, and I’m seriously happy all the time.

I feel used and abused and taken advantage of and then discarded, neglected, and abandoned.

Where the real ones at? Is there a Mate for me here? Am I allowed to get another one? My real, true one is so far away. May I have another?

I don’t know if it’s just a different type of people here, a different community, I’m just having trouble truly connecting with people because they’re all too shallow and self-unaware and because the ones that aren’t don’t necessarily want to connect with me. But maybe that’s just because they’re straight and they haven’t been seduced enough lately.

I feel isolated, alien. Misunderstood.

And I know I’m a double Aquarius but my Cancer mood is down bad.

Why are these fire signs causing me so much turmoil?

The first time I saw him I was in jail the second time. Disheveled hair, sleepy eyes. Moved in a sort of low-key way as to not draw too much attention to himself. He was barely older than me and had a smaller but incredibly lean frame (even though those matching dark red uniforms we all wore were ill-fitting as hell so it could hard to tell the shape of the bodies underneath them sometimes), his face spattered with acne in that weird way that makes someone almost more endearing because you know they're still very attractive but insecure about it.

For some strange reason I had this intuition that he was going to be a part of my life in some way.

The first time I was in jail, well the first night I was put in dorms, I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of attention I was getting from multiple people that seemed interested in talking to me. Not having been in jail (well, not ever officially having to stay because I'd always bailed myself out my first several arrests), I had no idea what to expect except for what I had seen in maybe movies or show that had prison scenes in them. Definitely didn't expect to have such a warm welcome, I know that much. I know the queers tend to find each other, but this one guy in particular, Dillon, took this initial liking to me, and while I was wandering around the dorm, he'd pop up randomly to ask me questions and then disappear again. He had a girl on the outs but in one way or another disclosed to me that he was bisexual. Whether or not drugs were involved in this portrayal of defining his sexuality, I still liked him. He was also around my age but had that goofie almost -teen-like spirit about him that loved to pick on his friends and would laugh with them about perverted jokes. He was also kind of the leader of this little rag-tag group of guys I'd eat with each meal. Well, them and Johnathan who this tall, strong looking man a couple years older who had long luscious black hair. But a law degree as well. I'm actually gonna pause this jail experience thing and do a new entry just on that.

Anyway, where I was getting with that is that I was these thugs be loving me. The second time, I had a friend from the outs (the first and technically only person to sell me herion lol) that was in the dorms with me. He introduced me to this 6"4 big ass Norteno that quickly took a liking to me. We played spades pretty much the entire day and big homie would flirt with me the whole (hole?!) time. Whether I manifested it or not, Alex got placed next to big man, Victor. After I pointed him out to Victor, he motioned Alex over to our table who came and sat down. From that point on, he was part of "our table." It took him a bit to catch on, but he became my permanent Spades partner (when the Russian Twink would stop bitching about not being included). We had secret signals we'd do like wink the left or right eye or raise an eyebrow to let the other know we had an Ace, King, or Queen of Spades.

The first time I saw him naked, I thought I'd seen an angel. Pretty tattoos that complimented his body well. Solid pecs, six pack, good sized bush with a beautiful penis. Our table was on his side of the dorm (it's split into 4 tiers) and when he'd get in the shower, he'd face me and I'd fantasize that he was doing it on purpose.

I've had this affinity for attracting and holding the attention of straight men for as long as I've realized I was gay for some reason. To get in with the ones I didn't really talk to at all in jail, though, I pretended to be doing interviews with people for my "blog" or "podcast" about inmates and their life stories. Alex was one of my interviews. While he admitted to not liking her, he did admit that his favorite Taylor Swift song was Love Story. As was Victor's. I distinctly remember asking about the red A he had on one of those muscle titties of his. The first thing that came to my mind was the Scarlet Letter, but since a bunch of addicts have that tacky anarchy symbol tattoos, I had to ask because his didn't have the circle that went around it. He confirmed my suspicion with a simple "yeah" and I could tell he was lying (which I would normally be offended by) but didn't mind this time because it somehow made him more mysterious, and whether this was intentional of him or not, I found it appealing. Sexy. He had this weird thing with lying, actually, that I was strangely fascinated by. After he passed, we found out that his daughter never really existed. I loved coming up with all these theories as to he would lie about something like that- were any of his girlfriend ever pregnant? Did he want to be a dad that badly? DId he try and convince his brain that he had a kid because it somehow gave him some sort of greater meaning or purpose? Was it just for fun? Just cuz he liked throwing people off a little bit. Holden Caufield from The Catcher in the Rye came to mind several times when talking to him. This funny way of making up wild stories to strangers on the subway. I loved the freedom in that and sense that Alex did too.

When he came back from court one day and told me that Drug Court was on the table for his plea bargain, I was elated. I hyped it up to him but made sure he had a clear idea of what all it entailed.

The first time I see his ass in one of those drug court chairs at the treatment center I was elated. By himself, sunglasses on, quiet in his cute little outfit. I thought to myself, he's gonna be a part of my little friend group. I just knew they'd love him. Particularly my good Judy, Haley.

I ended up being right, and they started seeing each other more and more. In a way, I feel strangely guilty. If I never had introduced them, could I have saved her from all this pain? Was I being selfish? No, he was my friend and I wanted him to do well in that program, start a new life for himself.

Unfortunately he cut that off too early.

I knew he had

“the reason I was born and came into the world is to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me.”

Well I'm on my knees wondering where this truth is.

What is even real anymore?

Are any of my relationships legit?

And I don’t think anyone else realizes that because regardless of how infrequently they talk or see each other, they know that if they reach out, they’ll receive a response. Unfortunately, regardless of what I say, I will never receive the same luxury.

While I message Sam more often and send him stuff on socials, I receive the same amount of responses as I do from him. Except he’s alive. So while the grief wasn’t as heavy when I lost him, my brain compartmentalized his absence as him being on a several year philanthropic mission across the globe with no cell coverage. Because I know he’s alive and that he’ll never respond. We’re both on our own journeys doing our own things and our paths aren’t gonna cross over assuming we can navigate this mutual friend thing without having to talk about it.

Am I hurt about how he handled all of this? How he chose to be convinced about my reasoning for things and didn’t care to hear any other interpretation whatsoever? How he didn’t consider what I was going through or didn’t care enough to ensure I would get better? Do I feel used and unseen and unvalued? Yes of course, to all of those things. I just choose not to let it bother me anymore.

It just feels so incredibly fucked that the one person I knew saw me and deeply cared for me, who saw me as so much more than just some free entertainment or a secured plus one who's down for anything, had to leave me here on this earth wondering if I’ll ever find something like that again and deep down, knowing I never will.

I miss both of them deeply. But death will always sting more.

But being told I don’t want you anymore- your place in my life doesn’t serve me like it used to, I don’t care that much about what you have going on in that crazy head of yours, I’m taking both parachutes bc I don’t want to tend to your wounds if you get injured or have to try and find you should you get lost on the way down. You didn’t maintain that larger than life attitude you normally do and I’m not going to wait for that to return. I don’t want to help you return. Let me suck this last bit I can out of you and then warn someone else who is capable of compassion and love and grace and patience and let them know I’m worried about you. And then you're cut off.

That shit still hurts.

Was I only ever a play thing for you? An independent puppy?

On one hand I’m grateful you’re as naive and emotionally unintelligent and incapable of deep and meaningful relationships or this would have hurt more.

Thanks, I guess?

I’ve just never been through anything like this with anyone in my life. It’s kind of bizarre.

And oddly enough, I still feel a pang in my chest knowing that you’ll never find a lifelong relationship with anyone. It does make me genuinely kind of sad to think you’ll almost certainly die alone.

But I can’t let it make me that sad because you chose this for yourself. You choose to live that way, you choose to refrain from change, you choose to take your friendships for granted and neglect any and all of them that don’t provide you instant gratification because you’re unwilling to put up with anything that won’t potentially benefit you in the long run.

I can do the full gambit of human emotion, but what doesn't sit well with me is insecurity. Besides a solid five that live in other states, and of those being Sam, how am I supposed to view any of my other friendships? How do I gauge the depth? Am I misconstrued in thinking they're deeper than they actually are? Is the actual level just based on the one who cares less?

Who can never me sure?

All I can say for myself is that it got me shook.

And all I can say for you is that I wish you well.

Okay I'll be honest, I'm actually low key pissed. For one, the timing of all this is incredibly frustrating, and I don't believe I did anything to warrant such a pompous yet lack luster response. But what exactly are they responding to? The fact that I've lost 30lbs in 6 months? 1.5lbs in a week?

Yes, Vyvanse will have that effect on people for one. It's an appetite suppressant after all. But it was also the depression that followed after several of tragic losses I experienced just two months before graduation.

No offense, but the logic behind all of this does not make sense to me. You were worried I lost too much weight too quickly, you did a random UA on me and I passed. You knew what meds I was taking and my reasoning behind taking them. Then you waited 2 months, and randomly decided to put me in Re-engagement class and have me go back on UA's for an unspecified amount of time. And I can't help but think it was just because Tess saw me at graduation and thought I looked too skinny. Even though I didn't lost any weight since the last time. Talking on the phone to her, I could easily tell that everything I told her was going in one ear and right out the other.

One of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to drug court participants is when they tell the judge, or even in their graduation speech, that they used to hate said PO and now they know that they were really just looking out for them because they care.

And every time I hear something like that, I cringe. The PO's want to catch you doing something bad. I say that because for one, I know full and well, what compassion fatigue looks like. But also, how would anyone expect them to care when they're looking after 100+ people? 95% of their clientele is bullshitting them. Most graduates who make it through the program don't really have a great intention to stay sober, or maybe not at first, and most of them just breezed their way through drug court by checking off all the boxes. It's not hard. It's just school with a few assignments. But how could you be expected to care for people who don't care. I mean sure, I'm not saying they're completely devoid of empathy or compassion. But nothing I've heard mine say has ever felt genuine. Even the way in which she speaks sound fake. They get off on catching people trying to hide something. And I'd probably enjoy it too! But don't act like these people care. What does care have to do with any of this anyway?

I was really upset I missed that show, something that was VERY important to me and ALREADY paid for. It's rare that big people or productions actually come to Boise so we don't have to travel to see them. I needed that show. I hand't done anything with people, or made a deliberate choice to do something for myself, for my mental health, in quite some time. I have a few friends I'm in communication with frequently but I was taking some time to myself to work grieving all those tragic losses I had repressing for so long. I needed something uplifting and exciting while I was in this phase of trying to understand, letting go of what I couldn't, going through photos, wiring about stories I would recall with the people I'd lost. Sending them messages. Telling them exactly what I felt that they meant to me. It's been incredibly painful but also cathartic. I've been doing the work to heal.

Then I get blindsided with what feels like a punishment by having to call for UAs for an unspecified amount of time and a re-engagement class from what I can tell is for people who have relapsed post-graduation. And Tess pops into class with her dismissive tone and that fake "totally understand" way of speaking, referring to local events as willy-nilly lil things that wouldn't be considered as a viable excuse for missing class - "Sorry Greg". Bitch, fuck you. You didn't even answer me until 30 minutes before the show started and now you're referring to one of my favorite as a dumb lil thing that the courts don't care about.

What if that thing was good for my recovery? And how is this engagement group supposed to help my recovery? It's a check in class - the ones I'd always dreeeeeaded going to.

I live with my family, none of whom have ever used drugs, are totally supportive of my recovery and would snitch to drug court in a heartbeat if they felt like they needed to. I have a tight knit group of friends I see on a regular basis. I have life-long friends and mentors in other states. I go to HA when I can make it on Wednesdays. I have non-drug court people living in recovery. I've stayed sober after graduation.

I wouldn't say it's the fact that I got put on UAs and got put in a class or more so the fact that I feel like no one is listening to me. And if they are and can hear what I'm saying, then I feel like no one cares. That's the opposite of love and caring. It's indifference.

I mean yes, I did sign up for this program and agreed to follow all of its rules which includes random UA's and submitting to PO's orders. But Drug Court also stresses the importance of advocating for oneself.

So here's a little bit of that: I've never felt more triggered since I graduated than when Tess called me to pretend to listen about why I was on certain meds. Being asked such an awful but revealing question about my mental health (you were doing so well in the program, what changed?) was not only in poor taste but also triggering. And being in that class where people talked and talked about how bad things were for them was hella triggering.

Why are you doing this to me? Why is no one listening to me? What are you after? What do you want from me? What's the goal of all of this? I mean for starters, If anyone was paying attention or cared about what to do with me, why wouldn't anyone suggest a Grief class instead of a re-engagement class? I mean I'm over here telling you guys, hey this is the program, this is the issue, I've figured it out, I've identified it, here you go. And I feel ignored.

I'm confused, frustrated, angered, and sad, and I ultimately feel completely isolated. I thought this was my team, I thought they were supposed to have my back. If you didn't like that I was on subs two months ago, why didn't you keep me on UAs when I did that random one for you two months ago? I even said that if it bothers you so much Tess, I'd be happy to get off of it. And you told me not to. But don't make up lies about how people only get on subs when there's been a relapse and then somehow correlate that to microdosing mushrooms and ask if I'm doing that??? Wtf are we doing here people?

I couldn't be more disappointed with this treatment response. I only know 2 graduates that have remained completely sober from all substances. And I know a lot of graduates. So why are ya'll doing this to me, specifically?

I can't help but feel that my life and recovery are being fucked with under the guise of we gotta make sure you're doing the right thing because we care.

I think the first thing that got me hooked was that he loved Lights. I remember texting him on my ghetto phone Sophomore year at soccer practice about her newest album, Siberia. “And what’s your top song from it?”

“Well I gotta give it a couple more listen throughs, but right now id have to say Banner.”

Definitely top 3. Heavy Rope really spoke to me. And Cactus in the Valley. Go figure- the two slowest, most lyrically gut wrenching songs off the album. In some way I wished we’d chosen the same one, but for some reason, I was glad we differed on certain things, especially this one.

Then Banner. Then Where the Fence is Low.

There’s something so intimate about making a playlist (mixtapes is what we’d call em in my day lol). But also dissecting an album together of a mutually favorite artist.

One of the last days I spent with him, or mornings rather, we spent jamming out to old Relient K. Sharing with each other, thought we both despised her personality, our favorite Taylor Swift songs. He’d never heard it but I showed him the song Clean bc it’s my favorite but also bc it kinda showcases addiction in a unique way- to anything really, substances or lovers or people or whatever. He told me he was convinced Mikey’s Malibu was about addiction as well. I actually secretly recorded us singing out loud. I gotta find the phone that has that audio.

Remember when Vale and Mari were fighting (they're so similar to us, it's so cute) and Monica asked us if there was anything that could come between us, something the other one could do that would result in the destruction of our friendship. And we both thought about it and laughed and couldn't come up with a single thing, saying things like he could kill my dog and I'd be like oh, it's fine girl, I'm sure you had a good reason lol

Well as Nancy Baskin would say: "winner, winner, chicken dinner" bc I guess I figured that shit out! :/

First of all, I'm sorry I got into a weird funk after drug court and did nothing to get myself out of it. The story I ran with was that when I experienced all those tragic losses, my brain said, "girl, we're not doing all that, we gotta graduate mawma" and put all that grief in a chest and locked that bitch up for after I finished the program. I guess it was implied that I grieved after, but in reality, I never did. You did get to see more than a lot of people what Sam meant to me, but I genuinely feel that he was one of the very few people in the world that truly understood the entirety of who I am, who I felt like could see my soul and connected with it, loved me for being my authentic self, and celebrated and encouraged me to keep doing so despite anything. We had this unspoken connection that I felt was truly unique and I'm not sure how else to describe it other than say what we felt with Spencer X100 but across a 14 year span.

In truth, I never really grieved Alex or Sam (not other than attending his memorial which is the entirety of what my brain allowed me to do) or Daniel or my aunt or even what I felt like was losing Nolan who was my safe place at my parents house, where even now they're trying to pray the gay away and hope I still marry a woman one day. HA! Bc they look at me and feel love but they see through me, see sin, and feel disgust. That being said, I didn't realize how much holding onto grief could fuck so hard with my mind, and in turn, I'm sorry I let it affect how I treated you.

I know you said I have an explanation for everything, and I'm not trying to justify anything that I did (and maybe you don't care or it doesn't matter) but I did want you to at least have some sort of understanding of my behavior, actions, and intentions (even though some people say intention doesn't matter).

We have such a similar sense of humor, have these super compatible personalities that just wanna do fun stuff and talk shit and be stupid. But we're also SO different. I suppose the ultimate representation of sister signs.

For me, you know I think nothing is that deep unless someone's livelihood is involved (unless it's someone we both don't like then it's still not that deep lol). When you talked about principle with the package thing, I thought that's what I was getting at with the phone thing. In reality, I could care less what was in your phone, who you were talking to, what pictures you had, whatever it may be. But I was too fixated on my principle of you having access to mine and not the other way around and that was shitty of me. You were right, I could have just taken you out of mine, I just didn't care that much that you could get into it. I shouldn't have made such a big deal about it. The principle of boundary (yours) was valid and mine wasn’t. But after our cute little break, it made me realize: to hell with my own idea of principle, I just didn't want to lose you, yet another person that meant so much to me.

Once again, had the air tag thing been done to me I would have thought omg you lii psycho, laughed, and thought no more of it. But obviously you're not me and you'd established firm boundaries beforehand and I disregarded them. In actuality, I truly don't give a shit where you go (you're already going to Nampa all the time so does it really matter where else you go, what could get worse, right?!). That being said, that air tag doesn't' give like live updates or anything, it keeps track of where it is for like four hours after it's in proximity to the phone and then it stops (not that that changes anything but still). Probably the only time I'd ever check someone's location is to see how late they're gonna be to my fuckin movie. Well, and to see where Mari was last Sunday cuz she' was supposed to open the store with me (which she ended up not showing for, my 10am didn't show, and then Grace didn't show and I I was by myself LOL I told everyone sorry bitch we closed). But there were four tags, and I only needed two and Jay wanted me to give you one. Of course he thought it would be silly to pull a prank with it (which I low key figured you would hate) but I said sure bc in my mind, this could potentially keep me from losing you were something bad to happen. Turns out I lost you anyway (tongue emoji), but I was so over loss that if somehow knowing where you were via that tag had the potential to keep you alive, that was worth the cost of my friendship. Kinda does feel like you did die bc everything stopped so abruptly but what matters most to me is that you're alive and thriving. Regardless, that was still fucked of me. If you don't want anyone knowing where you are, it's your life, and just bc I was worried something crazy could happen to you doesn't make it right. That's my issue, not yours. For a while there, and I'd done this in the past just not to this extreme, but I would randomly just imagine a person I loved (including you) dying in some tragic way and I'd genuinely feel the pain of losing them in that moment. I know, I'm such a freak, but I kept doing that until I made the time to actually grieve Sam. When your phone alerted you of it, I wasn't about to unload all that onto you so I just said that Jay wanted to test the range on the thing cuz you'd go out to Nampa. And I didn't want to bring up some sad shit later on cuz ew but we also tryna play the mini crossword and Connections bitch!

Anyway, I'm not trying to convince you to change your mind. I wanted to say I'm sorry for choosing to do what I wanted (regardless of the reasoning) even after you made yourself clear about what you didn't want-even after it had already caused a rift with us in the past. I know you know how hard it is for me to empathize with people and how open of a book I am but that doesn't excuse the fact that I chose my fear & pride over your boundaries & privacy.

I've also recently come to learn that me not taking my pills consistently as they're instructed and staying up super late on a sedating pill and waking up super early taking Vyvanse, not taking them at same time every day, or maybe even being on them at all has really messed with my head, put me in weird moods, and made my body feel awful. I know this is a theme, but this doesn't excuse anything. It just sucks knowing you think I genuinely don't give a shit about what you've clearly expressed you don't want me doing. I got off subs (even though you know imma keep collecting that script lol). I feel so much better. Now, I'm just tryna have a good time.

Does it make me sad that I lost my (show watching, NYT gaming, river floating, movie going, tea spilling, escape rooming, BigMac inhaling, shit talking, straight boy seducing (and sometimes gay boy tag teaming), bottom lip only kissing, constant referencing, and calling each other bc driving) partner in crime?

Absolutamente! But I'm not gonna beg for our friendship back. At first I was hurt you didn't even want to talk to me about it and just cut off all ties. But maybe that's bc you didn't need to know all this bullshit I just made you read lol and just cuz you felt it's what you needed to do. It did sting realizing I was supposed to be cut off right after that package was delivered but once I sent you the pic of what you needed, it seemed like a let me use him this one last time and just let Haley know I'm worried about him bc you had to be done with me. I don't hold it against you. *Who knows, if it had been me, I might have done the same thing*. Meeting with Haley & Monica was really good for me. It was healing.

Yes, I would like to be back where we were last summer having the most fun ever, but I know Leos and their capacity to hold onto things. I just wanted you to know about the mental space I was in and hope you don't still think I was just continuing to do whatever I wanted. Would I love a little grace (ew not the black), and understanding? Of course. I'd never break any boundaries or violate your privacy again for ANY reason bc I'm back on that tryna have a good time juice! But if this is something you'll never be able to get past, then so be it. Here's my opportunity to practice acceptance, baby!

I know this was long and this last part may be cringe and sappy but I gotta stay true to myself:

When asked why I was so bothered about the end of the Grames era, (which some may say actually could qualify as iconic) and I'm not gonna talk about depression either bc also ew, but laughing with my bestie and making fun of the fats, blacks, and retards was like medicine to me-life's anti-depressant. When I was with James, I knew I’d be laughing and having a kiki, and all my worries would be gone.

While I want to watch Drag Race and Euphoria, play connections, make Old man noises at scary movies, and try to die floating, literally all I can ask of you and truly hope for is your forgiveness.

But also,

I miss when we’d get stupid gay retarded excited to see each other at work.

I miss having you at Taco Bell even though we both hated it and thought we were leaving together but they had a way better gig for you at your place and didn’t really have anything for me there.

I wish we could go back to when we drove Spencer home and spent the entirety of the way headed back to your place discussing how how we’d just shared a car ride with an angel and how our lives would never be the same.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss when we were all in drug court.

I miss when you didn’t fight me on every single thing that came out of my mouth.

When you didn’t accuse me of being negative as an excuse for offering my opinion you asked for.

It seems every time we watch a show, you just wanna fight me.

I’ve bee typing my feelings and experiences and wild and obscure thoughts on here since around 2012 now. And with this risk that it all of it might be lost, I’m absolutely torn. Tumblr reminds me of Sam. Of Tori. And I remember the first time I decided to create my writing tumblr in college because my thoughts and emotions were a giant tangled mess. And I remember that relief that washed over me and the peace of mind it provided me, if only long enough to fall asleep.

Enough about that because I’m already too in my feels right now about it and I’m not trying to sink further down this already slippery slope.

Toss me a heavy rope.

I had this thought today, “Do I have too high of expectations?” “For friendship?”

And while the past few years have felt like this, surely this can’t be true. I have Hayden. I have Tori. I have Benjamin.

It seems easier to blame my location. Idaho as a whole. And I will admit, I’m not he biggest fan.

It’s just that this loneliness that I thought I’d outrun has discovered me once again.

And yet again, I feel isolated.

I feel as though friendship has always meant more to me than any romantic relationship ever could. Maybe it’s because I’m a double Aquarius and maybe I always say that but my costar does say that Aquarius’s prefer forms of intimacy less obvious than romance.

It didn’t hit me the other day until I was in the Chili’s parking lot, Cody on the phone, our conversation connected to the car when Nora and Laryssa hopped in. I had shared with Cody the drama, which is weird to even say it like that, with my buddy James. And. Without any backstory as what happened with him, Cody told said that it sounded like our relationship after we broke up and became best friends. How I never really thought he cared. And what’s even stranger to me is that after the couple weeks that have transpired, I felt like James would have given the same, simple excuse as that if he didn’t care, he wouldn’t have had me around.

I have to stop here because I’m falling asleep and need to get all this out in it’s entirely but I’ll leave it at this: cody has hit me with an iron and I have screenshots of him telling me in all caps to kill myself. But I’ve never been so shocked or at a loss for words or hurt by someone who I thought was my best friend. But the essence of what James said was basically that he’s indifferent.

And for all intended purposes , I’d rather be hated.